Top 100: Simpsons moments/dialogue

Lisa: I washed the dog today
Homer: Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies?
Lisa: Of course not.
Homer: Awwww... our dog isn't famous, and you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack.

Ms. Hoover: No Ralph. Just put your head down while the other children are trying to learn.

Ralph: Oh boy sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

"I've wasted my life."

homerpalooza punter number 2: i... don't... know....

bonus points for MAAAAAAAAAT-LOCK!!! just because of tour fun.

Marge: Wow, i wonder if the kids heard us.
shots of the kids wide eyed.
Ned: Oh my.

cut to Lisa and others running from hoard of big monsters on an island

Lisa "I thought he said it was just a name!"
Man: "What he meant is that Monsters Island is actually more a peninsula"

and this is just Lisa's brief fantasy sequence...its the complete abandonment of logic and fairness in favour of the surreal and absurd that makes The Simpsons writing genuinely genius

Student: or with our help you can CRAAAM LIKE YOU'VE NEVER CRAMMED BEFORE!

the montage of Homer trying various cramming techniques is classic, right up to where he submits the exam paper and clicks his heels

"They're not cooties, they're lice, and my mom says they're nothing to be ashamed of."

also:

Kids:"Lisa likes Nelson!"

Milhouse:"She does not!"

Kids:"Milhouse likes Lisa!"

Janey:"He does not!"

Kids:"Janey likes Milhouse!"

Teacher:"Children, please! Nobody likes Milhouse!"

From the episode that brought you the word "Jebus".

The only spcific moment I can call to mind is Apu saying 'I once worked a 96 hour shift. By the end I thought I was some sort of hummingbird', then playing the security tape showing him gradually float across the screen going 'eeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee....'

The whole Stop The Planet of the Apes musical is fab.

Lenny (in pain): Ow! My eye! The doctor said I'm not supposed to get pudding in it!

And in the same episode, the film reel about why it's okay to eat meat - especially the food chain part, where we see a shark eat a gorilla and a dog catch a frisbee.

Also, the Japanese soap advertisement with the two-headed cow and the Japanese girls turning fat and all the other crazy stuff. That was beyond fucked up.

Milhouse's dad: "I sleep in a racing car, do YOU?"
Homer: "I sleep in a big bed with my wife"
Milhouse's dad: "Oh."

(From the one with the Itchy and Scratchy movie)
Homer: "When I was young, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out, and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage."
Bart: "Is there any point to this story?"
Homer: "I like stories!"

Homer: Hey! Where are you going?
Bart: Dad, you can't expect a person to sit for thirty minutes straight.
Lisa: I'm going to get a snack, or maybe go to the bathroom.
Marge: I'll stay here, but I'm going to think about products I might like to purchase. Ooo... ooh, I don't have that!

Brilliant. Any awkward conversations with someone of the opposite sex are now called 'do you like stuff' conversations. Among my friends, anyway!

Burns becomes the New God.

"My name is Guy! Guy Incognito!"

"I'm just going out to commit certain deeds."

"Scorpio! He'll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth!
Beware of Scorpio! His twisted twin obsessions
Are his plots to rule the world
And his employees' health!
He'll welcome you into his lair
Like the nobleman welcomes his guest -
With free dental care and a stock plan that helps you invest!
But beware of his generous pensions
And three weeks paid vacation each year
And on Fridays the lunch room sevres hot dogs and burgers and beer!
He loves german beer!"

Too much.
Al

Chalmers: "That sounds like a prayer. A prayer in public school! God has no place within these walls. Just like facts have no place in organized religion!

Dr Colussus (slopes off looking utterly defeated): But all my stuff is there!

(pinitchio's lengthening nose pokes scratchy's eye out!)

"ey Pepe, go fer face!"

where would the simps be without Italians eh?

"Well, there's Jerry, the Cowboy.
And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan ... the Cowboy."

"Oh Papa Homer, you are so learnéd!"

"Heh heh heh. Learn'd, son. It's pronounced 'learn'd'."

H: and then his wife comes back!
kids: so?
H: did i mention she was dead?

the same episode is also home to
'that's not a bible, that's a book of carpet samples' / 'mmmm, fuzzy'

the 'oh, i'm needed in the basement' bit from the 'homer: bad man' is funny too.

and everything prof frink does.

andy

Amen to that.

"Relax Frinky, these puppies'll be in stores while he's still grappling with the pickle matrix, mmm-hae."

"Woah, I think that hippy I ate had something in it...the colors!"

Man: In that case I sentence you to a lifetime of horror on Monster Island. [to Lisa] Don't worry, it's just a name.

[Lisa and others are chased by fire-breathing monsters]

Lisa: He said it was just a name!
Man: What he meant is that Monster Island is actually a peninsula.

And where Carl is in the cafeteria with everyone, agrees with something Homer said, and says "I concur". Everyone looks at him funny until he shows a vocabulary-builder type calendar that has the word "conquer".

And Homer in the Milhouse's girlfriend ep:
Marge: Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite?
Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satieties.

And the one where Homer eats the hot pepper and hallucinates...

(Later that episode.)

Stan Lee: He can't be the Incredible Hulk...I'M the Incredible Hulk!
(tries to rip off shirt, grunts)
Stan Lee: It really happened once, I swear!

nelson, ralph, martin watch a man paint white patches on a black horse

martin: uh, sir why don't you just use real cows?
effex guy: yeah, cows don't look like cows on film. you gotta use horses.
ralph: what do you do when you want something that looks like a horse?
effex guy: ehhh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together

krabappel: "...he's a war hero"
nelson "ha ha!"

You are, of course, OTM. (Oh, wait, wrong thread?)

Lisa needs braces

DENTAL PLAN!

Lisa needs braces

DENTAL PLAN!

Lisa needs braces

DENTAL PLAN!

Lisa needs braces

* Homer: If the Bible has taught us anything, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girl sports like hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.

* Milhouse: Hey! Way to knock out my teeth!

Apu: That's it Milhouse! Keep up the chatter!

Homer: heh heh, Taft! you old dawg!

Homer: heh heh heh, shazam...

Marge: stop remembering TV and get back to work!

Homer (put out): whats the point of all this cleaning? ARE WE SO VAIN?

and nickalicious is SO OTM about Daryl Strawberry crying!

*Homer and Marge getting married*

*Bart's birth*

Well! Looks like we have a new champion!

And featuring former president Dwight D. Eisenhower! LET'S GET BIZZZAY!

"Yeah, boy cries wolf-- has a few laughs-- I forget how it ends."

Bart is crying.
Homer: "There, there. Shut up, boy."

Oh yeah, and this one, from when Bart's dog runs away:
"Crying won't bring your dog back. Unless your tears taste like dog food. So you can sit there, eating can after can of dog food until your tears taste like dog food, or you can go out and find your dog!"

These might be from the same episode.

This sequence:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=p5s4tmA-8-A

doo doo doo-do doo-do doo doo doo-doo...

Hahaha, easy to forget how truly great it used to be.

I'm guessing that's the one where he's in the elevator with Mindy thinking "unsexy thoughts", yes?

nah, it's Homer becoming obsessed with clown college and having circus-based hallucinations.

Shopkeeper: Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!
Homer: Ooh, that's bad.
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That's good.
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of toppings.
Homer: That's good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
[Homer looks puzzled]
Shopkeeper: ...That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

YOU PEOPLE HAVE STOOD IN MY WAY LONG ENOUGH, I"M GOING TO CLOWN COLLEGE.

nickalicious thought i was doing Barney singing 'I Dream Of Jeannie' heh

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal.
Homer: Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Bart: The Krusty I know didn't get where he is today by giving up!
Krusty: No, I got where I am today by naming names in the Fifties.

man I ref. that frogurt exchange all the time (usually whenever frogurt is mentioned, or whenever something good or bad happens)

(isn't that exchange lifted from some other movie too...?)

I refer to pig as a wonderful, magical animal with some regularity.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/39346

(isn't that exchange lifted from some other movie too...?)

Yeah, from Billy Wilder's Sabrina. The set up is this: Sabrina has written her father a letter from cooking school in Paris. Her father reads this letter outloud to his coworkers (He is a servant for William Holden anbd Humphrey Bogart's family). I'll paraphrase the exchange:

Sabrina's Dad: "She says she's loves Paris..."

Butler: "That's good!"

Sabrina's Dad:"But she's still can't stop thinking about William Holden."

Maid:"That's bad!"

uhhhh it's an ancient vaudeville routine

marge: somebody perform cpr!
homer: (starts singing bad moon rising)

Apu and Jailbird in couples therapy:

SNAKE: Sometimes, when I'm robbing you, it's like you're not even there.
APU: That is because you are robbing my brother Sanjay!

Me and Joel's current favourite:

HOMER: What's a Funday?
SQUEAKY VOICED TEENAGER: It's a Sunday that's Fun!

Bart: "Oooh! A soiled wig!"
Clerk: "bbannamerrychristmasandhappynewyear."

There's one time Krusty was asked to do two shows on a Friday and he was all..."TWO shows? It's hard enough to get through just one show, even with all the *mimes snorting...something*"...and Bart and Lisa look at him and he's all "...sniffing flowers...such expensive flowers".

TV: GABBO! GABBO! GABBO!
Bart: Did you see that?
Homer: I think so.
Bart: Who's Gabbo?
Homer: I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ua129pv-eKE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PlI-Ityd4JQ

"NOBODY LIKES MILHAUSE!"

er, HOUSE

THRILLHOUSE

Lisa, see you in the car! Best Wishes, Milhouse

Lovejoy: Everyone is saying GABBO this and GABBO that. But no one is saying WORSHIP this, and JERICHO that.
Jasper: What'd he say about Gabbo?

oh here's frogurt
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XX-oe1srz_4

Homer: "To alcohol: the cause of, and solution, to all of life's problems!"

Milhouse passes Nelson Lisa's love note, Nelson reads it ("Somebody likes you"), Nelson turns around to see Milhouse waving/smiling/eyebrow arching, cut to scene w/Milhouse on stretcher

(From when they went to Japan)

Marge:"But you like Japan! You loved Rashomon!"

Homer:"That's not how I remember it!"

I've never noticed that joke before! CLASSIC! I am recovering from tears of laughter!!!

CHIEF: "You’re off the case, McGarnical"
MCGARNICAL: "No, you’re off the case, Chief."
CHIEF: "What does that even mean?"
HOMER: "IT MEANS HE GETS RESULTS, STUPID CHIEF!"
LISA: "Dad, sit down”

hahaha

Ah McGarnical, eases the pain...

('Sweet liquor eases the pain' has become something of a catchphrase amongst my friends)

That whole roadtrip episode, and both on Nelson:

Walking out of movie theater with NAKED LUNCH on its marquee

Nelson: I can think of at least TWO things wrong with that title.

and that slow pan of the boys bored in their seats watching Andy Williams in Branson with Nelson at the end, hands clasped and euphoric smile in place.

BAR-TON FINK! BAR-TON FINK!

Snake: Ohhh, that's L'il Bandit.. and she's in pain! Screw the honor system, my car needs me!
[Snake opens the gate bearing a sign, "NO ESCAPING PLEASE," and runs out into the street.]
Kearney: Hey, you're ruining it for the rest of us!

[L'il Bandit, and Homer, speed away.]
Snake: Stop! That's my car! Hey, that smells like regular.. she needs premium, dude! PREMIUM! DUUUUUDE!!

(its the way he says it, really. I love Snake).

http://www.theminorthirds.com/ilx/simpsons-classy.jpg

Homer: What if instead of donating one of my old worn out kidneys, I gave grandpa that artificial kidney I invented.
Marge: Oh Homer, that was just a beer can with a whistle glued to it.

"Lost your dad?"
"Mmm-Hmm."
"He's not coming back, is he?"
"He might."
"No, he's not. But at Bigger Brothers, we can help!"

Homer: "Flanders! Open up! I need to use your bomb shelter!"
Flanders: "Hiya Homer. I figured this might happen, so I built the bomb shelter big enough for both our families!"
Homer: "No deal. Out."

"PIPE DOWN IN THERE, HUTZ!!"

From when Bart loses his soul:

lISA: Pablo Neruda said "laughter is the language of the soul."
BART: I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

(Bart's alarm goes off at 4 a.m.)

"Top of the hour, and time for the morning news. But of course there is no news because everyone is asleep in their comfy comfy beds. Goodnight everybody."

Bart's prank phone call to Principal Skinner:

"Hmmm. Well as a matter of fact, my refrigerator wasn't running. You spared me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you anonymous young man!"

Bart sits in a prison cell with a harmonica-playing tough guy.

Bart: What are you in here for?
Tough guy: Atmosphere.

Hahah yeah I love that one too :D

Another Snake fave: after he's just stolen someone's VCR during the riots, he stops, looks at it and says "oh no! *BETA*!"

That was Homer in prison with the atmosphere guy, actually.

Clown college? You can't eat that.

Homer's Night Out with "Scene Missing" slides!

Homer in candy land and/or escalator elevator rising land while climbing the Murderhorn. Really, any Homer fantasyland set to that music.

When a con man tells them there's a treasure buried somewhere in Springfield and uses the diversion to escape, once they realize there's nothing there:

Marge: How do we get out?
Homer: I know, we'll dig our way out!
Chief Wiggum: No, no, no. Dig UP, stupid.

And when a bunch of rats file into Moe's tavern:

Moe: Alright. Everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

"Looks like it's row versus wade - and it's my right to choose"

Dr. Nick: Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.
Bart: You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.
Dr. Nick: Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

From "Lisa the Vegetarian" where Lisa meets Paul and Linda McCartney:

Apu: You know what Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrees.
Lisa: Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is...
Linda: We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you find a big hunk of pork in them.

Also, http://www.snpp.com/ = heaven.

I don't like the way Snrub thinks.

After The Ramones play at Mr. Burns' birthday...

Burns: "Have the Rolling Stones killed."

Moe: "Waiter, bring me the finest food you've got stuffed with the second finest."

Waiter: "Excellent, sir. The lobster, stuffed with tacos."

"Team Discovery Channel!"

Homer opens a beer can that Bart has shaken up for hours with a paint mixer, Bart says "April Foo--" and the house explodes.

Haha that episode also has my favourite Homer line:

"you couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine!!"

TV: GABBO! GABBO! GABBO!
Bart: Did you see that?
Homer: I think so.
Bart: Who's Gabbo?
Homer: I figure it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.

-- J.D., Thursday, June 7, 2007 1:59 PM (4 days ago) Bookmark Link

ok what the hell is this. I'm guessing it's recent, because it's just awfully unfunny.

I mean, what's the hook? What is it making fun of? What the bleeding point?

wtf kenan

Um yeah Kenan thats a fairly old ep, and without its context is a bit pointless explaining maybe.

Imposter Homer walks through the door. He has a thick German accent:

Marge: Homey!
Fake Homer: Marge honey-fräulein, I'm home.
Marge: You're not my husband.
Fake Homer: Ja, please forgive my unexplained two-week absence. To make it up to you, we will go out to dinner at a sensibly priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex.
Marge: Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.

Hahah I am so propositioning someone for Efficient German Sex some time.

WTF ep was that scene from? I know I have seen it.

Lisa: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
Clerk: OK.
(reaches into a box of hamsters under the counter and randomly selects one)
Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D.McGregor.
Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Clerk: Well, he gets the ending first, then he works backward.

I can't find it, but isn't there an exchange where Burns says "Shine on you crazy diamond!" to this junkyard hippie guy and the guy says "You're living in the past, man. Contemporize!"

WTF ep was that scene from? I know I have seen it.

-- Trayce, Tuesday, June 12, 2007 2:01 AM (5 hours ago) Bookmark Link

Homer's "Mr. X" website episode where he gets sent to "The Island." It was on here just the other night!

Very hazy memory, this: Homer's in disguise somewhere (maybe the retirement home?), someone demands he gives his name and he quickly makes up a name based on the things he sees: something starting with H, then O, then M, then E, then R... D'oh!

Homer's "Mr. X" website episode where he gets sent to "The Island."

OMG is that the Prisoner pisstake? I have to see that again, it has my favourite line: "because shut up thats why!".

Homer opens a beer can that Bart has shaken up for hours with a paint mixer, Bart says "April Foo--" and the house explodes.

"Ahh, beer, my one weakness -- my Achilles Heel, if you will."

Abbott already mentioned it above, but "Lisa, I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda!" might be my favorite line ever.

There was one episode where Homer yelled "A dream deferred is a dream denied!" which cracked me up.

Hurting: it's Skinner & the junkyard hippie guy, and earlier in the episode the hippie guy says "Sounds like you're working for your car, man! Simplify!"

Kenan's wtf exchange is from "Krusty Gets Kancelled" (9F19), which is according to my official ranking scheme rates a KENAN HOW THE EFF DO YOU NOT KNOW GABBO???

From a "Treehose of Horror":
The streets of Springfield are awash in the havoc of Y2K-induced metal machine mayhem.
Lisa (ironically): Behold all the wonders of technology!
Homer: "Wonders," Lisa? Or "blunders"?
Lisa: Uh, I think that was implied.
Homer: "Implied," or "implode"?

Hahah I am so propositioning someone for Efficient German Sex some time.

"In America ... first you get the sugar ... then you get the power ... then you get the women."

TV: GABBO! GABBO! GABBO!

This always had one of my fave Krusty bits, for when he wears a large fake mustache and just the way he treats his audience with so much overt hostility. "So you want VENTRILOQUISM, do ya" and then beats the shit out of the doll when the bit fails.

I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.

I deride your truth-handling ability

krusty - "Chaim Potok! What is that some kind of klingon?"

the Gabbo episode will always be in my top ten. "I'll get you for this Bette Midler!"

kenan, i know it doesn't read all that funny, but when you see it it's somehow hilarious.

Mr Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun...

Homer: "Fossils, schmossils! You can't stop progress because of some musty old bones. Bones, schmones!"

Very hazy memory, this: Homer's in disguise somewhere (maybe the retirement home?), someone demands he gives his name and he quickly makes up a name based on the things he sees: something starting with H, then O, then M, then E, then R... D'oh!

Pretty sure you're thinking of a Family Guy joke, actually - "Pea...Tear...Griffon."

FG often steals gags from Simpsons tho

The GABBO/Krusty gets Kancelled ep also rules forever for "WORKER AND PARASITE".

I deride your truth-handling ability

No truth handler you!

Homer: Hi, I won't be in to work today. Religious holiday. It's the, uh, Feast of...(looks at sign on wall) Maximum Occupancy.

Pretty sure you're thinking of a Family Guy joke, actually - "Pea...Tear...Griffon."

OMG you're right! Thanks! *hangs head in shame*

dental plan... lisa needs braces

Stan dont worry, I conflate shows like that. True story: recently my mind was replaying what I thought was a futurama episode, in cartoon form and all, til I realised the scene I was imagining was the "hijack the garbage truck ship" scene from Firefly. Which is not animated.

I am odd.

It's not _that_ odd, imho. We've known these characters for so long, they almost seem real after a while.

Haw haw:

In the Latin American dub of this chapter, Luke Perry was renamed as fellow actor Robert Redford for no given reason, adding to the confusion when the Peephole magazine is shown, displaying Perry's name.

the fingers you have used to dial are too fat

"Welcome to 911. Please stay on the line, or if you know the name of the crime being commited dial in the code. You have selected regicide. If you know the name of the king or queen being murdered please press 1."

waitaminit, I'm a guy like me

Oh, geez, when Bart gets a credit card by using his dog's name ("Santos L. Halper"), and among his many purchases is a particularly garish pachinko machine which shouts, in the worst Engrish ah-so accent, "You a winnah! Ha ha ha! You a winnah! Ha ha ha!" Cracks me up, and usable in real-life situations.

Followed by Lisa's freakout on the truckers' speed pills that Bart has bought her:

Lisa: You can't afford this. How can you afford this?
Bart: Ah, you've been all edgy and suspicious ever since I gave you
those Pep Pills.
Lisa: What are you talking about-I don't need
pep pills to be suspicious-If I wanna comment on it, I'll
comment on it-Who's gonna stop me-You, Pep Pill Boy?-Pep boys-
pills-Beverly Sills-Oh boy ah boy-Uh oh-uh oh... [walks out
of Bart's room and off-screen]
Uh oh. I gotta stop taking those pills...

I live in a one-room apartment above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley

My wife's not some doobie to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on our wedding day to bogart her for the rest of my life.

I call him Gamblor

I call the big one Bitey.

hahaha I'd forgotten that - Bitey is my default nickname for all hostile animals

MARGE: Homer, there's a man here who can help.
HOMER: Is it Batman?
MARGE: No, he's a scientist.
HOMER: Batman's a scientist.
MARGE: It's not Batman!

the cosmic ballet.... goes on

That IMAX movie Bart goes to w/Mrs. Krabappel Nature's Greatest Holes hosted by Rainer Wolfcastle

Wolfcastle:"Even dolphins, nature's most photograped creature, have holes--Blow Holes!"

"Did you know that the pile's only natural enemy is the hole?"

from same episode.

ICE TO MEET YOU.

smashy smashy

On clozer inspection, zese are looaaafers.

"Mrs. Simpson, I killed my pencil!"
"Broke. You broke your pencil."
"I... broke him."

A semi-recent favorite is from the episode where Selma goes to China to adopt a child, and on the airplane there, a dragon talks to Homer. Homer rejects him, and the dragon meets with two other dragons and they all begin to cry rainbows.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A0R5_6nTdSY

When Homer bought a season of Arts tickets:

"An evening with Philip Glass--Only an evening?"

the wild, shirtless lyrics of Mark Farner

Arnie: I can see them right below me ... I'm going to try to nail
the driver with one of my shoes.
Kent: Arnie, please, leave this to the police.
Arnie: I'm sick of being the reporter, I want to make the news!
Kent: Arnie, this is not the time ...
Arnie: YOU'RE NOT THE TIME KENT! YOU'RE NOT THE TIME!

Chief Wiggum singing along to Jammin by Bob Marley

homer's knees buckling under him, both when lisa refuses burns's check from the recycling plant, and also when flanders is telling him the dif bw cider and juice, and his brain floats out of his head

BART+LISA: Not Lenny!

HOMER (searching Hank Scorpion's compound with mug of coffee in hand): Uh... you have any sugar around here?
SCORPION: Sugar? Sure. (Produces handsful of sugar from pockets.) There you go. Sorry they're not in packets. Want some cream?
HOMER: Uh... I... no.

GUY: I heard we were going to Ape Island.
OTHER GUY: Yeah, to capture a giant ape.
GUY: I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.
SOME OTHER DUDE: Candy Apple Island? Whatta they got there?
GUY: Apes. But they're not so big.

One that I always think of when reading the Noize Dude board:

"Eyes bigger than your stomach eh, Wolfie?... Hey Marge, did you see me zing Werewolf Flanders!?"

Lenny: Uh yeah, I'm a techno-thriller junkie, and I'd like to know, is the B-2 bomber more detectible when it rains?
Kent: Oh, what do you think, Tom Clancy?
Clancy: Well, the B-2--
Lenny: No, no, no, I was asking Maya Angelou!
Angelou: The ebony fighter awakens, dabbled with the dewy beads of morn.
Moe: Maya Angelou is black?
Angelou: It is a mach-5 child, forever bound to suckle from the shriveled breast of congress.
Lenny: Oh, Maya, you're a national treasure!

My friend Nat was at a conference where Maya Angelou was going to speak, and I texted her the last line. She burst out laughing in the middle of a session and everyone looked at her.

Moe's line is by far my favorite though.

Lisa: Ew, you used my bracelet for a nose ring.
Homer: Possessions are fleeting.

Lisa is being inaurgurated as President, when it is disovered she once got an F.

Official: We strip you of the Presidency, and furthermore exile you to live on Monster Island! (aside) Don't worry, the name's a lie.

Cut to Lisa and others fleeing from giant monsters.

Lisa: I thought the name was a lie!
Fellow fleer: It is! Monster Island is actually a peninsular.

"Kill my boss? Do I dare to live out the American dream?"

Homer: "What's that thing called when a guy is gay for a girl?"
Marge: "STRAIGHT!"

"Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?!"

Ned: Well, a friendly Springfield "Hello" there, neighbors. Uh, you know, we think some kids of ours may be missing in your town.
Man 1: Missing children?
Man 2: Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem.
Man 3: Is that why our football team beats their football team nearly half the time?

(same joke - burns comes back from harvard/yale game, like "i dont know why harvard even bothered to show up - they BARELY even won.")

Homer: I have a plan! I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

haha, another 'same joke' kind of thing to the Speed gag:

Bart: "so what are you gonna do"
Principal Skinner: "Well bart, I was thinking of writing the great American novel. It's about a zoo where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it 'Billy and the Clonasaurus'."
Apu: "MY GOD, what is wrong with you, you come up with an idea that has already been done, and then come up with a name that noone will like and then..."
*hours later*
"...it has spent 24 months on the best-seller lists and has become one of the most popular movies of all time, YEESH, what were you thinking... I mean thank you,come again"

Haha yeah I love that Apu rant.

Brad Goodman [talking about some celebrity bimbo endorsement]: Isn't she wonderful? She was great in that thing I saw her in.

stupid am I? stupid like a fox!

Homer: [dismayed:] Oh no! Lisa's gone, and nothing will bring her back!
[slyly:] Unless ....

Lisa: Dad, I'm not dead!

Homer: [relieved:] Oh, praise God you're alive! [slyly:] Unless ....

From the one that started with the family going to see an ultra-pretentious foreign film that Lisa won passes to-

Lisa: "I felt so much empathy for those poor villagers. Their water supply got so low that they actually had to drink their own tears!"

From the "Marge gets a job" episode from season 4, the same episode noted above where Bart makes the boy who cried wolf comment.

(A wolf escapes from a Krusty show and ends up at Springfield Elementary, where it terrorizes Bart, who's in the hallway taking a test. Groundskeeper Willie comes to the rescue and tackles the wolf)

(Flashes to the Willie and the wolf swigging whisky under a tree, the wolf looking beat down and worn out)

Willie: "Ahh dohn't feel bad, lassie, ah've been wrestlin' wolves since you 'er sucking at yer muther's teet"

Ah, Tibor.

he didn't give you gay, did he? DID HE?

YES @ TIBOR

Cecil: There it is, the future site of the Springfield hydroelectric dam.
Bob: Just the thought of all that raw power makes me wonder why the hell I should care.
Cecil: Because _you'll_ be supervising the construction crew.
Bob: Oh, great. I supposed that when a woman passes by, it will be my job to lead in the hooting. `Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HRk-GvUHCcU

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zMVUKNkny3E

http://youtube.com/watch?v=l8InNKWYvDY

and I can't find a video for this one, but that episode where Homer devises a plot to take over the power plant from Mr. Burns:

BURNS: So, the caterpillar has emerged from his cocoon... as a shark... with a gun for a mouth.

Cecil: There it is, the future site of the Springfield hydroelectric dam.
Bob: Just the thought of all that raw power makes me wonder why the hell I should care.
Cecil: Because _you'll_ be supervising the construction crew.
Bob: Oh, great. I supposed that when a woman passes by, it will be my job to lead in the hooting. `Oh, yeah! Shake it, madam. Capital knockers!'

-- Trayce, Saturday, June 23, 2007 1:54 PM (2 hours ago) Bookmark Link

OH COUSIN MERLE, REALLY!

Principal Skinner tied in a burlap sack by his students: "quick Mr. Nibbles chew through my ball sack"

YES I LOVE THAT ONE.

Mr. Burns: Smithers, are they boo-ing me?
Smithers: Uh...no. They're saying boo-URNS, boo-URNS
Mrs. Burns: (To the crowd) Excuse me, are you saying BOO or BOOURNS?
Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! !!!
Hans Moleman: (to himself) I was saying boourns.

Whenever my friends and I make teams for something, one of us invariably shouts, "TEAM DISCOVERY CHANNEL!"

Also classic: Whenever Chief Wiggum uses his authority to reward someone's performance -- this is hard to describe, but here are some examples:

(The volunteer firefighters arrive at the "old Simpson place")
BARNEY: What are these axes for?
WIGGUM: I dunno. Choppin' stuff.
BARNEY: Ok! (Starts chopping mailbox)
WIGGUM: That's some nice choppin'.

Or when Homer pushes Flanders out of the parade and reclaims his role as town crier:

HELEN LOVEJOY: He is not the official crier! Somebody do something!
WIGGUM: I'd like to, ma'am, but he's too damn good! Let the man march, boys. Let the man march!

Another great line from "Homer the Heretic" comes from Rev. Lovejoy:

LOVEJOY: Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. But He was in the hearts of your friends to came to your aid - whether they be Christian, Jew, or (pointing to Apu) miscellaneous!
APU: Hindu! There are 700 million of us!
LOVEJOY: Aw, that's super.

boo-urns is used in my everyday vernacular

from the monorail episode:

"oh no! we're too late!"
"i knew i shouldn't have stopped for that haircut."

I think I am going to employ "shake it madam, capital knockers" dryly as much as posisble.

BOB: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.
CECIL: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

*chick-chick*
HERMAN: Hold it right there. Looks like the spider caught himself a couple of flies.

Also, from the same episode:

TALL MAN: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?
NELSON: Yeah?
TALL MAN: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore, be made the subject of fun?
NELSON: I guess so...

Apparently that very tall man is based on one of the writers, who is ridiculously tall and beanpoley. I can't remember who off the top of my head.

Homer: No offense, Apu, but when they were handing out religions, you must've been out taking a whiz!
Apu: (angry) Mr. Simpson, please pay for your purchases and get out (back to normal without missing a bit) AND COME AGAIN!

the tall guy was based on ian maxtone-graham which sounds like ian riese-moran

One from the ep where grampa needed a kidney transplant that I just revisited for a friend:

Abe: Uh, can I go to the bathroom before we leave?
Homer: Oh, we've got to go home! I don't want to miss "Inside
the Actor's Studio"! Tonight it's F. Murray Abraham!
Abe: But I really need to ...
Homer: F ... MURRAY ... ABRAHAM!

"Please do not offer my god a peanut."

I'm used to seeing people promoted ahead of me. Friends, co-workers, Tibor.

BOB: You do know I used to have a...problem with trying to kill people.

CECIL: Goodness! I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for
the past decade, in a cave with my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears.

BOB: Touche, Cecil.

I really like the vest

reverse vampires

Also, from the same episode:

TALL MAN: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?
NELSON: Yeah?
TALL MAN: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore, be made the subject of fun?
NELSON: I guess so...

-- kingkongvsgodzilla, Monday, 25 June 2007 05:42 (13 hours ago) Link

(it's amazing how unfunny it reads, though)

This 2-minute bit contains some of my favorite Simpsons moments ever -- "Pure...West....and how come Batman doesn't dance anymore? Remember the Batoosee??", Fourth Reich Motors ("hey, wait, that's not a dummy"..."this exhibit is closed!"), etc:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8QnbFtUpEA

LOLOLOL

jesus christ those slowed down voices killed me

It's uterUS, not uterYOU.

nelson: how many monkey butlers will there be?
bart: one at first, but he'll train others

Snuh.

Agent: Now, before I give you the check, one more question. This place
``Moe's'' you left just before the accident. This is a business of
some kind?
Homer: (thinks) Don't tell him you were at a bar! Gasp! But what else
is open at night?
(aloud) It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.
(thinks) Heh heh heh. I would'a never thought of that.

And then there's the Mr. Plow rap:

I'm Mr. Plow, and I'm here to say,
I'm the velvetest guy in the USA.
I got a big plow and I move a lot of things,
Like your cow if ya had one...

Senor Plow es un borracho

Bart: Ow! My bones are so brittle. But I always drink plenty of ... Malk?

Bart: You know, I heard Skinner say the teachers will crack any minute.the message is passed by about 10 people)
Guy: Skinner said the teachers will crack any minute purple monkey dishwasher!
Mrs. Krabappel: Well! We'll show him. Especially for that purple monkey dishwasher remark. (edit)

(ignore the "edit" at the end)

I'm trying to find the script somewhere but there was a hilarious scene where Nelson was giving Krabappel shit for not marrying Skinner and says "like his heart - which you broke!?" and when she tells him off he shrugs and says "eh - bros before hos".

I'm Mr. Plow, and I'm here to say,
I'm the velvetest guy in the USA.
I got a big plow and I move a lot of things,
Like your cow if ya had one...

this is a deliberate re-write, right?

From the film fest ep:

Burns: Get me Steven Spielberg!
Smithers: He's unavailable.
Burns: Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent!
(later) Listen, Senor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me
what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Spielbergo: Er, Schindler es bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
Burns: Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod:
we're both factory owners, we both made shells for the
Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me
that festival!

this is a deliberate re-write, right?

I dunno, that's how it was on the site. The 'velvetest guy' bit seems wrong. IIRC, he rapped "plowingest"

- be careful of the apple pie on the seat
- uh-oh!
- grampa, are you sitting on the pie?
- i sure hope so...

http://supak.com/simpsons/wavs/abe_simpson_sitting_on_pie.wav

its amazing to me... i never realized how much of this stuff i use in every day conversation

TALL MAN: Do you find something comical about my appearance when I'm driving my automobile?
NELSON: Yeah?
TALL MAN: Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall. This was the largest auto that I could afford. Should I therefore, be made the subject of fun?
NELSON: I guess so...

(it's amazing how unfunny it reads, though)

its totally in the delivery, absolutely... it gets better as the guy sounds more incredulous

"would YOUUUU like it if i were to make fun of YOUURRRR misfortune?!? HUHHHH??"

"hey everyone! it's that boy that LAUGHS at everyone! lets laugh at HIM!"

Yeah, it doesn't transcribe very well.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=PyyTwGcrVAA

Homer Simpson on meeting Ricky Gervais:

"You take forever to say nothing!"

Single Female Lawyer
Fighting for her clients
Wearing sexy mini skirts
And being self-reliant

that is Futurama, but still A++

oh man, the entire plot of that Futurama episode just came rushing back to me!

From the "Max Power" episode:

Grandpa: You can't change your name! My name is my legacy to you! I got it from my father; he got it from his father; he got it from his father, and he traded a mule for it! And that mule went on to save spring break...

Single female lawyer
Having lots of sex!

There's a Kwik E Mart in Seattle!

There are Kwik-E-Marts across the country.

It was like that when I got here

It would be a much cooler gimmick if the Kwik-E-Mart 7-11s stopped carrying normal products completely and sold malk instead of milk.

And doughnuts covered in twizzlers and jolly ranchers.

there's one right down the street from me. i went to buy a gatorade today thinking it was just the regular old 7-11, and would've had to wait in a 20 minute line to get to a beleaguered-looking pakistani guy wearing a nametag that read 'apu' if i wanted to complete my purchase.

Sideshow Raheem:

Krusty: (holding a hammer) Uhhh... the script says I'm supposed to bonk you with this" (holding a hammer)

Sideshow Raheem: "I wouldn't."

Krusty: "Uh..Right on"

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/a/a1/200px-Sideshow_Raheem.png

(holding a hammer) sorry didn't mean to be redundant

would've had to wait in a 20 minute line to get to a beleaguered-looking pakistani guy wearing a nametag that read 'apu' if i wanted to complete my purchase.

This image makes me extremely sad.

Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to... effervescent!

only kal kalash

<a href="http://youtube.com/watch?v=tlFMq2Esx20";>abortions for some, miniature American flags for others</a>

the episode where Lisa joins the hockey team was on the other night; I forgot how many totally classic Simpsons moments are in that one (Monster Island, "Me fail English?", "SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS SPORTS!", probably others that I'm forgetting)

homer is at his obnoxious best in the hockey episode

Marge: "Homer, I'm very uncomfortable about having a gang of crows in our bedroom."
Homer: "It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder."

really really really long piece about the simpsons in vanity fair. lots of quotes from lots of people, mostly about years zero through four.

years s/b seasons

Just a sign on a wall, this one:

Springfield Sperm Bank

Put your sperm in our hands

Best sign gag ever:

SNEED'S FEED & SEED
(FORMERLY CHUCK'S)

man, that Vanity Fair top 10 episodes list is RONG. Frank Grimes AND the George H.W. Bush episode?

the inclusion of the Eva Peron-parody episode is way more questionable - Season 15?!? wtf, pretty much nothing after Season 8 should be considered the "best of" of anything

frank grimes is absolutely top 10, maybe top 5

I would say Grimes belongs in a list of 10 most 'notable' episodes or something, but not way 10 best.

I mean, it's basically the episode where Homer finally became Ralph Wiggum with a deeper voice.

i would agree if not for bart's abandoned factory subplot

I like the Grimey episode, I thought people stopped hating on that one about 2 years ago?

'i-i live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!!'

srsly of all the shitty episodes on the list you single out that one???

ethan OTM

Two Bad Neighbors is also really great

I think Groening's noted in several different places that the Grimes episode is his personal favorite. Not that his opinion matters or anything.

OK I forgot about the subplot, you're right, it is worth it for "and my son Bart...he owns a factory downtown." I don't hate the episode or anything, I just wouldn't put it anywhere near a 10 best. It's more notable for being meta and kind of darker than usual than for being any funnier than dozens of other episodes.

Waaaaacky shaaaacck!

haaa shakey i thought i was the only one who loves the bush ep

'dont understand lemonade myself... not my forte...'

'hmm, a KRUSTY burger... that doesnt sound very appetizing... what stews do you have?'

whenever im angry about some shit & ranting i always include 'then he makes fun of the way i talk... probably!'

Two Bad Neighbors is also really great

^^^ YES

George: All right, Mister: you want trouble? You're going to get
trouble.
Homer: Oh, I want trouble, all right.
George: Then you're going to get trouble.
Homer: No, _you're_ going to get trouble.
George: Oh, that's good, that's good, 'cause I _want_ trouble.
Homer: Then we're agreed there'll be trouble.
George: Oh, yeah, lots of trouble.
Homer: Trouble it is.
George: For you. [walks inside, slams door]
Homer: For -- d'oh!

And the ultimate demonstration of Bush competence:

Hibbert: I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad
neighbors?
George: No! That's not Bar and me, it's them!
Ned: Who, Maude and me?
George: No, the man and his boy. You know, the -- the boy is named
Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name
of the man?
Barbara: [off-camera] I'm not getting involved, George.
George: Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty
straightforward, but I'll just take it down.

The Bush ep has its moments but I kinda hate all the Dennis The Menace stuff and have always felt like when The Simpsons can't get a celebrity walk-on voiced by the actual person, they're better off inventing a Rainier Wolfcastle-style caricature of them than having someone do a crappy impersonated voice.

Table 5, Table 5, ah ah ah ah Taaaable fiiiiiive

The original Disco Stu joke in the Bush episode is a hilarious callback joke (first Homer having the Disco Stu jacket because he ran out of room for Disco Stud, then "Disco Stu doesn't advertise").

The Bush ep has its moments but I kinda hate all the Dennis The Menace

So so so otm.

I will always hate "Homer's Enemy."

My own VF-style top 10:

10. Lisa's Substitute (Season 2, 1991)
In a bygone past when the Family Simpson was no different from the typical dysfunctional American family -- merely yellower and lacking one finger on each hand -- Lisa's Substitute showed that not only could it satire the typical dysfunctional American family, but it could pull A-list stars and integrate them vitally into an affecting narrative of a precocious black sheep as it tracked the protagonist's journey through the mirror stage.

9. Behind the Laughter (Season 11, 2000)
Proving doubters wrong (once again) that the series had permanently jumped the shark, this episode is a wry commentary on our celebrity-obsessed culture and breached the metaphorical fourth wall -- or in the case of the idiot box, the tv screen -- with a riotous self-reflexive elan that left the series never to be the same again.

Great Moment: Homer jumps the shark.

8. Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment (Season 2, 1991)
Conservatives eventually embraced The Simpsons for its emphasis on Beltway family values, but this episode reveals the preoccupation of the series with theology, as Lisa grapples with applying Christian morality to day-to-day Springfieldian existence.

7. The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular (Season 7, 1995)
This episode breached the metaphorical fourth wall -- or in the case of the idiot box, the tv screen -- with a riotous self-reflexive elan, which left the series never to be the same again. It also revealed the series creators to be (alternately) racists, fatcat capitalists, or radical right-wing ideologues.

6. Mr. Plow (Season 4, 1992)
Just one of 22 classics from the golden Season 4-era, it reveals that, even if we never heard their specific names, certain Leave it To Beaver actors were gay.

5. Lisa's Wedding (Season 6, 1995)
I must have seen this episode... twice!

4. Lisa's Sax (Season 9, 1999)
Some may complain that this list has too many Lisa episodes, but this one reveals that Homer pronounces the names of instrumaments funnily.

3. The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons (Season 9, 1997)
It marked an end to the bachelorhood of erstwhile character Apu, but in addition to a remarkable, heartstopping musical number (two words: "Hot blooded!") and perhaps the funniest one-show cameo ever (Apu's mother), it is revealed that Manjula -- Hindi for "spaceship" -- is, indeed, one ma-hot-mama.

2. Mom and Pop Art (Season 10, 1999)
Proving doubters of the show wrong yet again, this episode showed that the series was still relevant in an art-historical sense, contextualizing -- with good reason -- Leee's cousin into the same cultural lineage as Picasso and Jasper Johns, and, more importantly, paved the way for future collaborations with debutante/party girl Thomas Pynchon.

1. And Maggie Makes Three (Season 6, 1995)
Some may complain that this episode harped on sentimentality, but it nonetheless remains key to the series because it reveals Maggie to be a baby.

^^^ wtf

dood nominated a clip show as one of the best episodes

No wonder you guys like the Grimey episode!

A CLIP SHOW

it is revealed that Manjula -- Hindi for "spaceship"

Leee pls tell me this bit wasn't made up.

unfortunately, it means "melodious, sweet" :-(

he'll believe anything his cousin tells him

Hahaha.

You guys, am I the only one with a sense of humor who remembers things? ;)

Marge:    [Apu and Manjula argue in Indian] I think we should leave.

Homer:    Uh uh, no way.  I don't wanna miss a word ...

Marge:    But you don't know what they're saying!

Homer:    I'm picking it up ... "sala" seems to mean "jerk," and I

          think "Manjula" means some kind of spaceship ...

Marge: Hello?
(cut to Homer and Bart, who are on the other end of the
line. They're in another house with a window overlooking
the Simpson home)
Bart: (pinching his nose shut to disguise his voice) We have a
person-to-person call for Marge Simpson.
Marge: (impressed) Person-to-person?
Homer: (takes phone, disguises voice) Hello, this is Chad
Sexington, the model for Burly towels.
Marge: (gasps) How did you get my number?
Homer: I don't know, but I was quite moved by your letter. I'd
love to meet you and your family; shall we say, dinner?
Marge: Oh, my goodness--
Homer: Perfect. I'll be there at seven. (hangs up)
(he and Bart high-five)
Marge: Oh, my God. Dinner with Burly.
(cut to Homer and Bart, laughing. The camera pulls back
to reveal that Homer is in Ned's house. Also, Ned is
there, entertaining guests)
Ned: Playing a prank-er-oo, eh?
Homer: I was having a private conversation with my wife, in the
guise of Chad Sexington. Do you mind?

"And then I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters and that our success had led to some crazy propaganda network called Fox News."

Bart at the shrink in season 18 or sumting.

"I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?"

For some reason, Homer's Chad Sexington prank on Marge is one of the only times I have really been angry at the writers. It was a really really cruel awful prank and I have a hard time believing Homer would do that to Marge. It always makes me sad how easily she's duped and then how humiliated she is :( Maybe it touched a nerve for me.

HOMER: Why would I have gone to Utah? I love booze, caffeine, and monogamy.

FAT TONY: I told you you should've got more than four bullets! Come on, let's go to Big 5.

FAT TONY: You have 24 hours. And just to show you we're serious, you have 12 hours.

Homer: America, take a good look at your beloved candidates. They're
nothing but hideous space reptiles. (unmasks them)
(audience gasps in terror)
Kodos: It's true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about
it? It's a two-party system; you have to vote for one of us.
(murmurs)
Man1: He's right, this is a two-party system.
Man2: Well, I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.
Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away!
(Kang and Kodos laugh out loud)

From ESPN, the Umpire in the Springfield softball game laying down the rules:

"You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning."

a couple of chants:

"WHERE'S MY BURRITO! WHERE'S MY BURRITO! WHERE'S MY BURRITO!"

"BLOOD FOR CREAM! BLOOD FOR CREAM! BLOOD FOR CREAM!"

"stupid sexy flanders!"

Simpson
Homer Simpson
He's the greatest guy in historyyyyy
From the
Town of Springfield
He's about to hit a chestnut tree

Linguo... dead?

SENTENCE FRAGMENT

i'll never understand why people hate "homer's enemy." i saw it again the other night and it's so fucking good, i mean it's like "death of a salesman" done RIGHT.

leee's list makes no sense to me. that "behind the laughter" thing was horrible. nonstop unfunny "breaking the fourth wall" crap that garfield would've done better.

I think Leee's list was a joke though :)

Look, Marge, you don't know what it's like. I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order! You're out of order! The whole freaking system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown!

Lunchlady Doris: Yon meat, 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze.
Homer: Can I have some?
Lunchlady Doris: Mine ears are only open to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English.
Homer: Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup on some suckling pig this noon.
Lunchlady Doris: Whatever.

"Let's buy makeup so the boys will like us!"

and other great Malibu Stacy quotes.

"I wish they taught shopping in school!"

"Don't ask me, I'm just a girl! (titter)"

Lisa: Oh, the earth is the best! That's why I'm a vegetarian.
Jesse: Heh. Well, that's a start.
Lisa: Uh, well, I was thinking of going vegan.
Jesse: I'm a level 5 vegan -- I won't eat anything that casts a shadow.

Preceded or followed by "do you pocket mulch?"

"The kids can call you Hojew."

hahah i love that one, though for some reason i always thought it was "hojoo" not that it makes any difference

UH clearly "hoju," cause it comes from "homer junior"

haha yea that's right

"This film is against tooth decay, but it also kinda glamorizes it."

"I'm going... outside... to.... stalk... Lenny and Carl"

pretty good

you'd better run, egg!

"oh, marge. first you DIDN'T want me to buy a pony, NOW you want me to take the pony BACK."

Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?
Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.
Homer: I don't, but the block association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa.

For some reason, Homer's Chad Sexington prank on Marge is one of the only times I have really been angry at the writers. It was a really really cruel awful prank and I have a hard time believing Homer would do that to Marge.

I wish I could pin down the exact moment when this happened, but at some point after season 7 or so Homer became a consistently unforgivable dickhead...who is always forgiven by Marge (I believe the nerds on the internet who are not geeks refer to this as "jerkass Homer").

Oh, and:

Marge: You know, you are a member of a very exclusive club.
Homer: The Black Panthers?

rare classic moment from I think 2007, forget what episode:

Chief Wiggum (reading aloud from the Song of Hiawatha):

By the shores of Gitche Gumee
By the shining Big Sea Water
Stood the Wiggum of Nokomis...

I'm sorry, did I just say "Wiggum"? I...I meant "wigwam." Yeah, let me, uh, let me start again. (audience groans)

Ralph Wiggum: Ms. Hoover! My worm crawled in my mouth and then I ate it. Can I have another one?

Ms. Hoover: No Ralph. Just put your head down while the other children are trying to learn.

Ralph: Oh boy sleep! That's where I'm a viking!

― Aaron W, Wednesday, December 11, 2002 7:57 AM (7 years ago) Bookmark

?

noooooo don't start this AGAINNNN.

I've got three (two from "Homerpalooza"):

1. Roadie: "Someone here ordered the London Symphony Orchestra, possibly while high. Cypress Hill, I'm looking in your direction."
2. Homer: "Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact."
3. Marge: "We can't afford to buy a pony."
Homer: "Marge, with today’s gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony!"

Number 2: Why did you think a big balloon would stop people?
Scientist: Shut up! That's why!

Moe: Freddy Quimby was with me the entire...night in question. We were collecting canned goods for the starving people in...er, you know, one of them loser countries.

From "Homer Loves Flanders"

Homer: Now I have four children! And you shall be called "Stitchface".

PRINCE ON USENET

there sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood

"don't you dare sully this moment with your price-taggery!"

McAllister: Arr, matey. Nary a warning light to be seen. 'Tis clear sailing ahead for our precious cargo.
Sailor: Uh, would that be the hot pants, sir?
McAllister: Aye, the hot pants.

The Sea Captain has a name?

there sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood

Ooh, look at that one!

what no youtubes!

Xxpost: Captain McAllister is how he went by in court.

Bart: Hey, it's ZZ Top! You guys rock!
Hasidic Jew: (shrugs) Eh, maybe a little.

Apu: Look at that outrageous markup! You magnificent bastard, I salute you!

two of my favorite moments are both from bart gets an elephant

Homer, stuck in a tar pit: I'm pretty sure I can struggle my way out. First I'll just reach in and pull my legs out, now I'll pull my arms out with my face.

and, the very end of the episode, when stampy is headbutting the other elephants

Marge: Gosh, I thought he'd be happier in his true habitat.
Warden: Oh, I think he is.
Marge: Then why is he attacking all those other elephants?
Warden: Well, animals are not like people, Mrs. Simpson. Some of them act badly because they've had a hard life, or have been mistreated...but, like people, some of them are just jerks. Stop that, Mr. Simpson.

I love the passing sign humour gags too. "Screaming Monkey Medical Research Centre" was a good one.

Nelson: "Ha ha! I touched your heart!"

Lisa: “I’d like twenty-five copies on Goldenrod.”
Copy Store Clerk: “Right.”
Lisa: “Um, twenty-five on Canary.”
Copy Store Clerk: “Canary.”
Lisa: “Twenty-five on Saffron.”
Copy Store Clerk: “Mmm-hmm.”
Lisa: “And twenty-five on Paella.”
Copy Store Clerk: “Okay, one hundred yellow.”

i say the last line a lot.

That's with the Charles Bronson "okay pally" voice, right?

I didn't read the whole thread, but I just like the way Mr. Burns pronounces "tartar sauce."

Millhouse: Remember the time Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish, and you lied and said I never had any goldfish? Well, why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Lisa: Friends? These are my only friends. Grown-up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will!
Marge: Girls, Lisa! Boys kiss girls!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eb6sfGY0IS4

Millhouse: Remember the time Santa's Little Helper ate my goldfish, and you lied and said I never had any goldfish? Well, why did I have the bowl, Bart? Why did I have the bowl?

Hahaha I have this as my Twitter bio.

Burns pulls his old-timey car into a gas station, sees Marge and says, "You there! Fill it up with petroleum distillate and vulcanize my tires, post-haste!"

And from whence came part of my username:

Homer, answering the front door and seeing Ralph: "She's in the can, go away."
Ralph: "Yes sir! I'd do anything for Lisa!"
Homer: "Anything, eh?"
[cut to Ralph on the roof, spreading tar]
Ralph: "Mr. Simpson! The tar fumes are making me dizzy!"
Homer: "Yeah, they'll do that."

http://img855.imageshack.us/img855/1917/200channelscats.jpg

Comic Book Guy: "Come back! Those are Prescription Pants!"

Mr. Burns: this the best thing for labor relations since the cat-o-nine tails

Lionel Hutz: "Do these sound like the actions of a man who had ALL he could eat?"

______

Mr. Burns: [Holding a model plane.] "Smithers, I've designed a new plane. I call it the 'Spruce Moose,' and it will carry two hundred passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in seventeen minutes!"

Later:

Mr. Burns: [Holding the model plane.] "Now, to the plant! We'll take the Spruce Moose! Hop in!"
Mr. Smithers: "But, Sir --"
Mr. Burns: [Drawing and cocking revolver.] I said hop in.

Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked" guy. He had long hair and some wild idea, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was…I forget. But the point is…I forget that too. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car.

Bart: Murderous mob, I beg you to spare our lives, at least until you've heard the story of how we ended up with the head of our beloved town founder.
Barney: How long will this story take?
Bart: Uh... About twenty-three minutes and five seconds.

“Mr. Simpson, if word gets out about this, Crazy Clown Airlines will be a laughing stock.”

“Dad, knocking over a gravestone is bad luck!”

“Really? I heard good!”

xp also from that episode

"I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!"

"And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!"

followed by Homer flicking a switch and the co-pilot saying "uh, we'll need that to live"

Mr. Burs: "Wait.. there's a NEW Mexico?"