The Onion: Your Favorite Headlines

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We all know about The Onion, right? What are your favorite Onion headlines or stories or STATshots etc.?

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:38 (twenty-three years ago)

Mine...

"Ritalin Cures Next Picasso"

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:38 (twenty-three years ago)

From Our Dumb Century...

"Latest Dirigible Accident Prompts Safety Officials To Call For Less Hydrogen, Fire, Cloth In Airships."

― Andy, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:45 (twenty-three years ago)

"Area Bassist Fellated"

― Nick A. (Nick A.), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:51 (twenty-three years ago)

he he he...I remember that one, brother-in-Nickness, it made me miss playing bass.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:53 (twenty-three years ago)

"Unattractive Man 'Like a Brother' to Area Woman"

― mike a (mike a), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 19:55 (twenty-three years ago)

'Sex Had'
'Man Accidentally Ends Business Call With "I Love You"'
'Bosses Dick Not Going To Suck Itself'
Editorial entitled 'Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My cock?'
The story about the 30 litre bottle of Coke introduced solely 'as a display of corporate might'.
Many others.

― Ferg (Ferg), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Trophy Wife Mounted

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:01 (twenty-three years ago)

Israelis, Palestinians Sign "Screw Peace" Accord

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:14 (twenty-three years ago)

Owls Are Assholes

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:16 (twenty-three years ago)

Clinton Found Alive

Clinton Vetoes "Stab Clinton" Bill

Notorious B.I.G. Cremation Enters Third Week

Little Indonesian Kid Loves To Volunteer

& the all time best:

Mothership Descends On Hootie Concert By Accident

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:20 (twenty-three years ago)

HAHAHAHAHA No the best one in that vein: Clinton To Drop Da Bomb On Iraq.

The picture of the protester with a sign saying "No Blood For Funk!" with the opposing one saying "SADDAM NEEDS TO GIVE UP THE FUNK"

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:24 (twenty-three years ago)

can't forget these three greats from November 2001:

Nader Vote, Voter Wasted
Clinton Declares Self "President For Life"
McVeigh Urges Calm

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:29 (twenty-three years ago)

best recent one (article too): "Just Wait 'Til I Get These Fucking Rubber Bands Off," by Freddie the Lobster

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:29 (twenty-three years ago)

and from Our Dumb Century: "HOLY SHIT! Man Lands on Fucking Moon!"

― M Matos (M Matos), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:30 (twenty-three years ago)

and my all-time favorite, which I am still convinced was based on my life:

Local Girlfriend Still Hasn't Seen Apocalypse Now

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:31 (twenty-three years ago)

from 1974:
Nixon Ordered to Hand Over 8-Track Tapes
Content of Tapes Linked to Washington Post by Anonymous Source Known as 'Deep Purple'
Nixon to Be Fined One Penny for First Eight Tapes Not Turned in, $4.95 for Each Subsequent Tapes

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:36 (twenty-three years ago)

I like this week's "Bush Gives France 30 Days To Speak English."

One of my all-time favorites is: "Amish Give Up". "'This is bullshit,' say elders."

― die9o (dhadis), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Still like "World's Largest Metaphor Hits Iceberg"

― Chris Barrus (xibalba), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:38 (twenty-three years ago)

'Chicken Dies'

― Ferg (Ferg), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:39 (twenty-three years ago)

"Mr T Announces Plans To Pity Fool"
"Coffee Shop Encounter Results In Conversation, Cunnilingus"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 20:52 (twenty-three years ago)

"New Ted Nugent Cologne tested on 'Every Goddamn Animal We Could Find'"

"Massive Oil Spill Results In Improved Wildlife Viscosity"

Point Counterpoint: The Space Program...

"According To This Article In The Economist, NASA Is An Industrial Subsidy In Disguise"

vs.

"Ooh Look At Me! I'm Reading The Economist!"

― robster (robster), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:13 (twenty-three years ago)

"Ironic Porn Purchase Leads to Unironic Ejaculation"

― cprek, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:19 (twenty-three years ago)

"Marilyn Manson Now Going Door To Door In An Attempt To Scare People"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:31 (twenty-three years ago)

"Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes"

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:35 (twenty-three years ago)

"God Finally Gives Shout-Out Back to All His Niggaz"

"National Funk Congress Deadlocked On Get Up/Get Down Issue"

Also I must say how fortunate I feel to get free paper copies of the Onion every week, nothing like the real thing.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 21:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Almost forgot:
Point: U.S. Out Of My Uterus
Counterpoint: We Must Deploy Troops To Jessica Linden's Uterus Immediately...

― cprek, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:01 (twenty-three years ago)

"Top Cute"

"Soviet Space Program Ahead in Dog-Killing Race"

"Hippies Celebrating 'Fuck-Summer '67'"

"Area Man's Blood Runs Cold After Harrowing Centerfold Sighting"

"Why Do People Laugh After I Do Something Funny?" by Ralph Malph

Point Counterpoint: Bears
"Whoooooo! Bears!" by Bob Bratzke, Bears Fan
vs
"Aaaaaggh! Bears!" by Dan Turpin, Bears victim

― Richard Copping (avoid80), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:04 (twenty-three years ago)

Kid Rock Starves To Death: MP3 Piracy Blamed
Death Star To Open Day Care Center
DEA Chief: Winners Occasionally Use Drugs

― Vinnie (vprabhu), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:27 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, of course, the new all-time classic:

"Guy From Strokes Accused Of Trying To Look Like Guy From Strokes"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 22:57 (twenty-three years ago)

"Aging Gen Xer No Longer Interested In Stupid Ironic Crap" or something like that, that was the funniest story.

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:03 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh! "Totally Hot Chick Also Totally Psycho!"

― Ally (mlescaut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:03 (twenty-three years ago)

"Entrepreneur takes big risk with L.A. bookstore"
"Phone sex ad masturbated on for zero cents a minute"
"School bully not so tough after being molested"
"Ebert victorious"

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:12 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh yeah.. "Ironic porn purchase leads to unironic orgasm"

― donut bitch (donut), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:14 (twenty-three years ago)

"You Know Something? I Think That Stripper Likes Me"

― DV (dirtyvicar), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:15 (twenty-three years ago)

what's the onion?

― dwh (dwh), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:21 (twenty-three years ago)

Casual One-Nighter Gives Strom Thurmond Change of Heart on Gay Issue
Revolutionary New Insoles Combine Five Forms of Pseudoscience
Video-Game Characters Denounce Randomly Placed Swinging Blades

...but yes, "Area Bassist Fellated" still wins for its sheer economy and specificity.

― Douglas, Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:35 (twenty-three years ago)

Local Girlfriend Still Hasn't Seen Apocalypse Now

The O.G. to the dreaded Chick Music Primer thread, too.

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:39 (twenty-three years ago)

"Monkey Supercollider Cancelled By Congress"

― Sterling Clover (s_clover), Wednesday, 11 December 2002 23:45 (twenty-three years ago)

"Doctors Find New Way to Prolong Meaningless Existence"

― , Thursday, 12 December 2002 00:03 (twenty-three years ago)

Point - Counterpoint:

"An Informed Electorate is Necessary for a Functioning Democracy"
vs.
"Dixie Chix Fever Sweeps America!"

― llamaskool, Thursday, 12 December 2002 00:09 (twenty-three years ago)

"EBERT TRIUMPHANT"

― Joe (Joe), Thursday, 12 December 2002 00:56 (twenty-three years ago)

WA-

(story continued on page 2)

― Al Ewing (Al Ewing), Thursday, 12 December 2002 01:45 (twenty-three years ago)

"Nonconformity Linked to Peer Pressure"

― rat, Thursday, 12 December 2002 02:06 (twenty-three years ago)

"6-Year-Old Announces Plans To Become Ballerina Gymnast Veterinarian Horseback-Riding Princess"

"134-Year-Old Man Attributes Longevity To Typographical Error"

― A Nairn (moretap), Thursday, 12 December 2002 03:10 (twenty-three years ago)

What was the great one about the Japanese exchange student being quirky?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 12 December 2002 03:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Dude, seriously, there are too many. From the current edition: (Editorial) "I didn't mean to lead you on by fucking you".

― Nicole (Nicole), Thursday, 12 December 2002 05:17 (twenty-three years ago)

'Nation In Love With Girl Who Works In Record Store'

― jm (jtm), Thursday, 12 December 2002 05:39 (twenty-three years ago)

"EDITORIAL: "WE MUST STRIKE NOW WHILST ENGLAND IS WEAK""

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Thursday, 12 December 2002 09:00 (twenty-three years ago)

There's No 'My Kid Has Cancer' In Team

Dildo Washed

New Cambodian Barnes & Noble: Will It Threaten Cambodia's Small Book Shops?

― weatheringdaleson (weatheringdaleson), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:05 (twenty-three years ago)

I love the old ones from Our Dumb Century - razor sharp. Like:

"Should U.S. set limits on Indian Slaughter?"

"Pure Food and Drug Act will limit Human Thumb Levels Permitted in Meats"

"600,000 Killed in 4-inch Advance on Western Front"

― James Ball (James Ball), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:11 (twenty-three years ago)

What was that one about 'Generation Xer gets tired of crap kitschy things' or something?

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:14 (twenty-three years ago)

my favorite, May 29, 1905, from ODCent.:

THE MACHINE: WILL IT REPLACE THE CHINA-MAN?
Many New Contrivances Just as Cheap, Dependable as Chinee
INDUSTRIOUS RACE MAY SOON BE BEREFT OF PURPOSE

― weatheringdaleson (weatheringdaleson), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:15 (twenty-three years ago)

Two favourites.
'Andy Warhols Factory Lays Off 195 Junkies' and the 'Dolphins Develop Opposable Thumbs' one.

― fractal (fractal), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Kennedy Slain By CIA, Mafia, Castro, LBJ, Teamsters, Freemasons

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:34 (twenty-three years ago)

New MTV Show About Idiots Who Watch MTV Big Hit Among Idiots Who Watch MTV

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:43 (twenty-three years ago)

'Karaoke singer will survive'

'Nation's Porn Stars begged to be fucked harder'

Point: European Men are so much more romantic
Counterpoint: Female US exchange students are so easy

― Dave B (daveb), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:46 (twenty-three years ago)

"8-Year-Old Accidentally Exercises Second Ammendment Rights

NORFOLK, VA--Gun owners nationwide are applauding the patriotic, though accidental, exercise of Second Amendment rights by 8-year-old Timothy Cummings Tuesday."

The Onion is a wonderful thing.

― James Ball (James Ball), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:48 (twenty-three years ago)

2000 brown people dead somewhere
hugging up 76000 percent (after 9/11)
microsoft patents ones, zeroes
37 Record-Store Clerks Feared Dead In Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster
Chess Supercomputer Beaten Up By More Popular Computer

(dwh - www.theonion.com and pick through the archives)

― koogs, Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:49 (twenty-three years ago)

'Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying'

― James Ball (James Ball), Thursday, 12 December 2002 10:50 (twenty-three years ago)

The entire issue after 9-11, available here as the Holy Fucking Shit issue:

http://www.theonion.com/archive/archive_37.html

God Angrily Clarifies "Don't Kill" Rule in particular.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Thursday, 12 December 2002 12:12 (twenty-three years ago)

"Laura Bush Noisily Devours Infant"

"Area Businessman Enjoys, Causes The Blues"

― mark p (Mark P), Thursday, 12 December 2002 12:37 (twenty-three years ago)

"Terrorist Extremely Annoyed By Delayed Flight"

"12 Customers Gunned Down in Convenience Store Clerk's Imagination"

The graphic with that one is classic.

And, yes, the right-after-9/11 "Holy Fucking Shit" is prob'ly the best issue of the Onion EVAH.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 12 December 2002 14:35 (twenty-three years ago)

The Yo La Tengo one koogs said.

― Graham (graham), Thursday, 12 December 2002 14:54 (twenty-three years ago)

"afro secretly poked"

― bob zemko (bob), Thursday, 12 December 2002 14:54 (twenty-three years ago)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love this thread!

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 12 December 2002 16:03 (twenty-three years ago)

the Holy Shit issue and the one after it were classic.
But Black Bear Attacks, Rapes Zookeeper was one I won't forget. Along with Clinton Deploys Vowels To Bosnia was good.

― Mr Noodles (Mr Noodles), Thursday, 12 December 2002 16:04 (twenty-three years ago)

that bear story is superb

― James Ball (James Ball), Thursday, 12 December 2002 16:33 (twenty-three years ago)

something like
"god answers prayers of little boy with cancer
"no" says god "

― robin (robin), Thursday, 12 December 2002 22:57 (twenty-three years ago)

(ok this is minor but the Busy Busy Post-Industrial Society r.scarry parody wz rilly sweet and i wish it wz available to link to)

― mark s (mark s), Thursday, 12 December 2002 23:21 (twenty-three years ago)

The "What Do You Think?" about RU-486 (from memory):
"We've always been behind Europe culturally and philosophically, but now we've caught up with them abortionally."

Too...many...good...moments. Really, is there anything that competes with the Onion nowadays? And don't say Modern Humorist, because it is just awful; the only funny things I saw on that site were the MP3/Communism propaganda posters.

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Thursday, 12 December 2002 23:27 (twenty-three years ago)

It's not on the web, but Australian satirical newspaper "Chaser" is in the ballpark.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 12 December 2002 23:36 (twenty-three years ago)

And German satire mag "Titanic"! (the "Saddam Hussein joins Modern Talking" headline haunts my dreams)

― Daniel_Rf (Daniel_Rf), Thursday, 12 December 2002 23:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Not a headline, but a quote: "You know, they say people get the government they deserve, but I don't recall knife-raping any retarded nuns."

― Melissa W (Melissa W), Friday, 13 December 2002 00:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Feminists Declare Humor Strike

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Friday, 13 December 2002 01:21 (twenty-three years ago)

Man Listening to "Highway To Hell" Actually on Parkway to Waukegan

― zaxxon25 (zaxxon25), Friday, 13 December 2002 16:00 (twenty-three years ago)

You could post another favorite with every new issue, they're that good.

I think I loved the editorial that I listed above so much because some idiots on another message board I lurk on once in awhile took it seriously and were posting all of the messages about all men are horrible cretins and cads for writing things like that. That was at least as funny as the editorial.

― Nicole (Nicole), Friday, 13 December 2002 16:06 (twenty-three years ago)

three weeks pass...

I just remembered one of my favorites:

Head Dead Head Dead

― A Nairn (moretap), Tuesday, 7 January 2003 03:12 (twenty-three years ago)

SINATRA WARNS RUSSKIES TO KNOCK IT OFF: Singer Gives Khrushchev 24 Hours to 'Drop This Commie Bunk or It's Ring-a-Ding-Ding for You Bozos,' Calls Soviet Premier a 'World-Class Knucklehead'

― Curtis Stephens, Tuesday, 7 January 2003 04:00 (twenty-three years ago)

also,

WA- (headline continued on page 2)

― Curtis Stephens, Tuesday, 7 January 2003 04:04 (twenty-three years ago)

one year passes...

African-American Neighborhood Terrorized By Ask Murderer

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

― dean! (deangulberry), Thursday, 22 January 2004 20:26 (twenty-two years ago)

"Narcissist Mentally Undresses Self"

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 22 January 2004 20:50 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah but the best part of that one is this line:
Knowles added that he's "so asking to be fucked."

― oops (Oops), Thursday, 22 January 2004 20:51 (twenty-two years ago)

my favourite is still 'owls are assholes'

― cozen (Cozen), Thursday, 22 January 2004 20:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Who totally thought that was Harry Knowles at first?

― teeny (teeny), Thursday, 22 January 2004 21:06 (twenty-two years ago)

I did. :>

Is this the part where I brag about how great it is to get a new, free hard copy of The Onion every week?

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 22 January 2004 21:08 (twenty-two years ago)

(although NYC has them now, right?)

― Jordan (Jordan), Thursday, 22 January 2004 21:08 (twenty-two years ago)

"My computer hates me!" vs "God, do I hate that bitch"

Video-Game Character Wondering Why Heartless God Always Chooses 'Continue'.

― Al_Ewing, Friday, 23 January 2004 00:48 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow no one mentioned my fave - the Sep 11 issue with "WAR ON AMERICA - HOLY FUCKING SHIT" on the front page.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 23 January 2004 00:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh yes they did... I need to read better gah.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 23 January 2004 00:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Jurisprudence Fetishist Gets Off On Technicality

― Ferrrrrrg (Ferg), Friday, 23 January 2004 00:55 (twenty-two years ago)

from 'Our Dumb Century' in the late 30s:

Why Does Our Joyless President Never Dance?

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Friday, 23 January 2004 00:57 (twenty-two years ago)

ACLU Defends Nazis' Right to Burn Down ACLU Headquarters

― j c (j c), Friday, 23 January 2004 01:13 (twenty-two years ago)

this probably isn't it exactly, but my favorite was "Vladimir Putin orders the, how you say, beef stroganoff"

― Gear! (Gear!), Friday, 23 January 2004 01:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I like the latest one's opinion piece "My vote cancels out y'alls" by Duane Bickels.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Friday, 23 January 2004 10:15 (twenty-two years ago)

four weeks pass...

Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades.

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Saturday, 21 February 2004 20:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Former Chinese Dissident Has Your Order Ready

probably the most hilarious and completely depressing headline ever

― amateur!st (amateurist), Saturday, 21 February 2004 20:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Mr. T announces "Pity List '84"

― Sengai, Saturday, 21 February 2004 20:17 (twenty-two years ago)

"George Bush President. The Nation's Nightmare of Peace and Prosperity Finally Over" or something like that.

― David Beckhouse (David Beckhouse), Saturday, 21 February 2004 23:26 (twenty-two years ago)

So prescient

― Sym (shmuel), Sunday, 22 February 2004 00:37 (twenty-two years ago)

it's spelled "president"

― s1ocki (slutsky), Sunday, 22 February 2004 00:39 (twenty-two years ago)

"37 Record Store Clerks Feared Dead in Yo La Tengo Concert Disaster"

"William Safire Orders Whoppers Junior"

― Donna Brown (Donna Brown), Sunday, 22 February 2004 01:25 (twenty-two years ago)

"Attempt to Impress Becky Lundegaard Undermined by Interloper"

"I Bet I Can Speak Spanish"

― Prude (Prude), Sunday, 22 February 2004 01:29 (twenty-two years ago)

The "Five Blades" headline made me laugh out loud when I read it, so yeah.

― NA (Nick A.), Sunday, 22 February 2004 01:55 (twenty-two years ago)

The whole "Kerry Makes Whistle-Stop Tour From Deck Of Yacht" story from the new issue is way up there.

― Colin Beckett (Colin Beckett), Sunday, 22 February 2004 04:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Christ Returns to NBA!

― el maury, Sunday, 22 February 2004 04:27 (twenty-two years ago)

People of Kuwait Liberated by Bottom 10% of Last Year's Graduating Class

― subgenius (subgenius), Sunday, 22 February 2004 07:49 (twenty-two years ago)

two months pass...

http://www.theonion.com/opinion/index.php?issue=4019

Shit was lost upon scrolling down on that one, let me tell you.

― ferg (Ferg), Friday, 14 May 2004 16:42 (twenty-two years ago)

"Bereaved? Come Bathe in the Healing Light of My Cock"

― Bnad, Friday, 14 May 2004 20:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I'm the only one who finds the "Ask A Refrigerator Instruction Manual"-type columns funny. The trick, I tell my friends, is to actually READ them. It never fails to bring me to tears.

Obviously, classic all the way.

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Friday, 14 May 2004 21:49 (twenty-two years ago)

"French Unveil Arch de Capitulation"

― dave225 (Dave225), Saturday, 15 May 2004 00:27 (twenty-two years ago)

BRING BACK ZWEIBEL

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Saturday, 15 May 2004 01:14 (twenty-two years ago)

There was that one about someone buying a bottle of RC Cola.

― Kim (Kim), Saturday, 15 May 2004 01:30 (twenty-two years ago)

My really truly favorite was the editorial they used to have up called "I Like All Kinds of Music." It's not there anymore, but take my word for it. It was a thing of beauty.

― NA (Nick A.), Saturday, 15 May 2004 04:58 (twenty-two years ago)

From 'Our Dumb Century' in the early 70s:

'Cambodia Switches to Skull-Based Economy'

― Spencer Chow (spencermfi), Saturday, 15 May 2004 05:01 (twenty-two years ago)

My favorite item in the Onion ever was a small article that ran on page 2 about an abortion clinic that had been besieged by protesters, wherein Superman would be upholding women's constitutional rights by performing abortions with his heat vision until doctors could be brought in to resume normal operations. That was in my first issue of the Onion, back in about 1993. The damn paper hasn't provoked a belly laugh from me in the last decade, but I still read it faithfully for the AV Club and the ads.

― Chris F. (servoret), Saturday, 15 May 2004 06:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Tee-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game in Special Olympics

Area Cat Speed-Dials Man's Ex-Grilfriend

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Saturday, 15 May 2004 22:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Perky 'Canada' Has Own Government, Laws

― Evanston Wade (EWW), Sunday, 16 May 2004 00:27 (twenty-two years ago)

From John Kerry infograph:

"John F. Kerry: More than just a big cock and a nice ass."

"Kerry: A voice of reason who's killed, like, 20 dudes."

"John Kerry: Certainly not worse"

― de, Tuesday, 18 May 2004 00:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Melon balled

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:58 (twenty-two years ago)

[w/ pic of empty beer cans]

Taste Acquired

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 07:59 (twenty-two years ago)

I think I'm the only one who finds the "Ask A Refrigerator Instruction Manual"-type columns funny.

the best one was "ask a foxtrot collection."

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 18 May 2004 08:09 (twenty-two years ago)

one year passes...

Father Doesn't Understand Teenage Son's Obsession With Classic Rock

― Billy Dods (Billy Dods), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 18:36 (twenty years ago)

I always liked the abortion point counterpoint.
"Life Begins at Conception"

vs.

"Life begins at forty!"

― deej.. (deej..), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 18:56 (twenty years ago)

Local Sales Rep Hanging In There, Can't Complain.

― schwantz (schwantz), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:25 (twenty years ago)

Metal Council Convenes To Discuss 'Metal Hand Sign' Abuse

Point Counterpoint: You The Man vs No, You The Man

Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Justifiable If They're Terrorists
vs
Killing Wheelchair-Bound People With Missiles Is Awesome

Also, the link above is broken now, so here's the new link to Holy Fucking Shit

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:41 (twenty years ago)

"Dog Lovers Demand to Know Who's Been a Good Boy"

― Dave will do (dave225.3), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:42 (twenty years ago)

point counter point headlines are often hilarious:
"I want to be a fireman"
vs.
"I want to be a 6 year old girl"

― peter in montreal (spaces are allowed), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:45 (twenty years ago)

"Detroit burnt down for the insurance money."

― Tantrum The Cat (Tantrum The Cat), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 19:53 (twenty years ago)

"Optimists half full of shit"

― Black Arkestra (Black Arkestra), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:10 (twenty years ago)

"Heroic pit-bull travels 2,000 miles to attack owner"

"U.S. Military ordered to pull out of small, Vietnamese peasant girl. 'That's enough now boys', says Captain."

"Clinton escapes through air vent"

― darin (darin), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:40 (twenty years ago)

Can't believe no one mentioned this one:

European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American men

vs.

American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

― Ash (ashbyman), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:52 (twenty years ago)

Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
'We Expected Eternal Paradise For This,' Say Suicide Bombers

September 26, 2001 | Issue 37•34

TWO WEEKS after 9/11!

― Cracks (Crackity), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:54 (twenty years ago)

Not a headline, from the coverage immediately following Katrina:

Radio stations still in operation are advising store owners and white people in the affected areas to locate firearms in sporting-goods stores in order to protect themselves against marauding blacks looting gun shops.

― viborgu, Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:54 (twenty years ago)

Heh, took me a minute to realise what was going on there.

― Cracks (Crackity), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:58 (twenty years ago)

"Latest Bin Laden Tape For Completists Only"

― Jena (JenaP), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 20:59 (twenty years ago)

I've repped for the "Heroic Pitbull" before. The photo makes it even better.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v165/noodle_vague/onion_imagearticle231.jpg

Cos somehow the dog looks so pleased with itself.

― Raw, Uncompromising, and Noodly (noodle vague), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 21:00 (twenty years ago)

Jenna Bush's Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling
http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_imagearticle599.jpg

― Stephen X (Stephen X), Tuesday, 28 February 2006 21:14 (twenty years ago)

Can't believe no one mentioned this one:
European Men Are So Much More Romantic Than American men
vs.
American Women Studying In Europe Are Unbelievably Easy

-- Ash (ashbyma...), March 1st, 2006 7:52 AM. (later)

Point: European Men are so much more romantic
Counterpoint: Female US exchange students are so easy

-- Dave B (REMOVETOREPLYdave.boyl...), December 12th, 2002 9:46 PM.

― S- (sgh), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 02:56 (twenty years ago)

Hahah this new one is good:

Copy Editor's Revenge Takes Form Of Unhyphenated Word

BOSTON—Bruce Huntoon, a copy editor at Pilot magazine, intentionally did not correct the copy of columnist Justin Mann Monday. "I am tired of that insufferable asshole's mean-spirited jokes," Huntoon said. "So, when he described the carburetor warmer as a 'twentieth century' invention, I decided to leave the copy untouched and let him deal with the consequences of his actions. The fucker." Huntoon said the unhyphenated compound modifier is the most extreme step he has ever taken, adding that he drafted a resignation notice that he will hand in should his superiors notice the omission.

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 03:55 (twenty years ago)

I really liked "Yak Chews Thoughtfully"

― Abbadavid Berman (Hurting), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 04:14 (twenty years ago)

Nation's Educators Alarmed by Poorly Written Teen Suicide Notes

― joseph (joseph), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 04:29 (twenty years ago)

"Orgy a Logistical Nightmare"

― shookout (shookout), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 04:33 (twenty years ago)

"Study: Dolphins Not So Smart On Land" was just beautifully cruel.

― clotpoll (Clotpoll), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 05:18 (twenty years ago)

"I Can Write 600 Words About Anything" link should become the new "Momus and nabisco to thread" meme.

― Allyzay Rofflesberger (allyzay), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 18:31 (twenty years ago)

"Manic Depressive A Blast While Manic"

I also love Jean Teasdale's "Women Are From Venus . . . Men Are From Out Of This World!!!"

Opinion piece from the head of a razor company: "Fuck Everything: We're Doing Six Blades"

― Wax Cat (Wax Cat), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 21:01 (twenty years ago)

Bah, so it was "Five Blades" not "Six" and someone's already mentioned it... No one saw that, right?

― Wax Cat (Wax Cat), Wednesday, 1 March 2006 21:02 (twenty years ago)

two months pass...

Novelist Thinks People Shrug 10 Times More Than They Actually Do

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 13:07 (twenty years ago)

already mentioned, but:

Melon balled

― sleep (sleep), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 14:48 (twenty years ago)

1945:

NAGASAKI BOMBED JUST FOR THE HELL OF IT
Second bomb would have just sat around anyway, say generals.

Also:
JAPANESE JOIN FORCES WITH WHITE SUPREMICISTS IN WELL THOUGHT-OUT PLAN

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:35 (twenty years ago)

Amazon One-Click Bankrupts Area Parkinson's Sufferer

― Michael A Neuman (Ferg), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:45 (twenty years ago)

i think this thread proves they should only write headlines

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:48 (twenty years ago)

My really truly favorite was the editorial they used to have up called "I Like All Kinds of Music." It's not there anymore, but take my word for it. It was a thing of beauty.
-- NA (naamm...), May 15th, 2004.

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/33708

― pisces (piscesx), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:50 (twenty years ago)

John Daly: 'I Lost $1 Million In The Earl Woods Death Pool'

― Pleasant Plains /// (Pleasant Plains ///), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 16:57 (twenty years ago)

i think this thread proves they should only write headlines

So very very accurate.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:02 (twenty years ago)

Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language

and the one about greenland thinking it looks fat on the mercator projection.

― sunny successor (katharine), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:08 (twenty years ago)

People of Kuwait Liberated by Bottom 10% of Last Year's Graduating Class

Sources have found that the people of Kuwait were liberated from Iraqi forces by the bottom 10% of last year's graduating class. The study goes on to reveal that the coalition soldiers were largely students who failed to make grades sufficient to attend college, putting their relative worth to society in sharp contrast to the importance of their duties in the Middle East. First Private Chad Palmer was quoted as saying, "Yeah dog, Iraq is totally off the hook! Party!"

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:13 (twenty years ago)

^^^ cringe at the standard for 99% of satire now

― and what (ooo), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:17 (twenty years ago)

New, Delicious Species Discovered

Pope Emerges From Chrysalis A Beautiful Butterfly

Soup Kitchen Thinks It Can Solve The World's Problems With Soup

White House Denies Existence Of Karl Rove

― sleep (sleep), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 17:39 (twenty years ago)

Last week's "Alligator's dangerous no matter how drunk you are" was pretty great.

"Despite its slow-witted demeanor and tendency to bask motionlessly in the hot sun, it's a mistake to believe that an alligator will passively tolerate a half nelson, no matter how much Southern Comfort is fueling it."

― darin (darin), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 22:27 (twenty years ago)

Clinton Goes Back in Time, Teams Up With Golden-Age Clinton

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 22:35 (twenty years ago)

I love that one, but it muct be accompanied by the picture:

http://www.theonion.com/content/files/images/onion_imagearticle477.jpg

― chap who would dare to be a nerd, not a geek (chap), Wednesday, 17 May 2006 22:52 (twenty years ago)

fourteen years pass...

With Trump a no-show, Mar-a-Lago guests left to party maskless with Rudy Giuliani and Vanilla Ice

I mean this literally is a The Onion headline if there ever was one.

― Paul, Sunday, 3 January 2021 00:31 (five years ago)

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