how to take a poop at work.

This list is uber-funny, dude...I especially got a kick out of the Havana Omelet.

Assuming there are clean bathrooms, taking a shit at work is the greatest thing ever. Time yourself while doing it, and based on your hourly wage, figure out how much you just got paid to shit.

Also, I note nothing on this list deals with the problem of returning to work after giving yourself a raging case of FIREHOLE.

(even though it's from earlier this year)

Here where I am work is also home and there's one one-seater for 10 people which can get rough. It's where I learned the fine art of the "sink shower" which can actually be quite refreshing and as good as a regular shower.

I hate this.

this thread is cutty's worst nightmare

Did my Dad forward ILX this thread?

http://www.snowboard.org.vt.edu/Images/TheHunt/Christina%20Hicks/4%20Poop.jpg

the worst - when yr work loo is all cubicle (no urinal) and ppl insist on using the cubicles without shutting the doors!

I hate this.

-- MarkH (MarkH), Saturday, November 15, 2003 4:48 PM (4 years ago) Bookmark Link

I know it's been 4 years, but I want to know why this bothers you. People pee at urinals with less concealment than in a stall w/ the door open, so what's the difference?

Because people begin to walk into a stall when they see the door partially open and then it's awkward when you realize someone's already there. that doesn't happen with a urinal since you can clearly see someone leaking into it.

the worst was my father, he would sometimes in the house be on the can taking a dump without the door being closed. one of the times I walked in I felt like retinal detachment was the way to go

Good lord. I just L'd OL all over the place in the library, as much as I tried not to, and then when I scrolled down to type this, somehow my mouse got stuck on the giant turd picture a few posts above. I've pretty much alerted everyone near me, without saying a word, that I'm laughing at poop-related webpages.

It was the Pooping Friends Network that did me in, because I immediately thought of my PFN at my last job and how a small group of us had tacitly agreed to participate.

ASTAIRE. Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to
>alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying
>a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
>occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom
>immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

Larry Craig rest in peace.

SAFE HAVENS

I MISS THEM

I have a safe haven at school that's in the basement that no one uses, is single-user, and has a lockable door. If only it had a deafening fan, it would be heaven on earth.

thanks, lady!
http://www.safe-havens.org/images/cover_cropped2.jpg

God the whole Larry Craig thing makes me aranoid and I am a woman. OTOH my paranoia knows few bounds.

***

The other day I got out of a bathroom stall and my boss was washing her hands. I washed mine, saying "Don't wanna get MRSA!" as there was an outbreak here recently. She is WAY more put-together and prim than I, and she said, "I don't touch any of the handles, etc in the bathroom," all paranoid germophobe like that one thread. And THEN I realized I had taken Giant Dump which must have stank very bad while my BOSS was in the room, and I flashed back to the one thread about how no one should ever ever poop outside their home toilet bcz it ruins things for everyone else. And I was like "oh my I have broken alll these bathroom rules," and it was very jarring.

SO ILE and Larry Craig have made me terrified of my formerly calm & confident bathroom ways.

I don't understand. Why does the authour of this piece think "escapees" and "jailbreaks" are embarrassing? Outside of a bathroom such noises may be rude, but the whole point of a bathroom is to relieve bodily functions.

-- fletrejet, Thursday, 9 January 2003 20:10 (4 years ago) Link

i don't know who fletrejet is (was), but this is kind of on point. i remember once relieving myslef at a Knicks game when some dude a few urinals over let out a huge fart. someone in line shook his head and acted all disgusted and all i could think is if not here, then where?

no one should ever ever poop outside their home toilet bcz it ruins things for everyone else.

This is ridiculous. Toilets are for shitting in. Use them well.

I don't understand. Why does the authour of this piece think "escapees" and "jailbreaks" are embarrassing? Outside of a bathroom such noises may be rude, but the whole point of a bathroom is to relieve bodily functions.

-- fletrejet, Thursday, 9 January 2003 20:10 (4 years ago) Link

This is OTM post.

"aranoid"

http://www.gonomad.com/gallery/west-ireland/images/aran-horse-b.jpg

Yeah thee Reverend that is what I thought but apparently there are like people who don't think this!

Where else can one take a dump, sheesh

That pony looks like it could jump that fence if it had half a will to.

Wait, will I look paranoid if I say here that, altho I usually feel like the dirtbag at my office, seeing as how there are lots of black-pants girls with blow-outs and older women with the whole wool-slacks-twinset thing, I've noticed a disturbing number of people who just run warm water over their hands for two seconds after coming out of the toilets, then dry off and leave?

Actually I'm fine with not washing if you've just had a light pee, I don't wash every time at home either, but what kind of mental evasion is it when you pretend that a little water is doing anything?

Poppy's a little sloppy...

At least they're even acknowledging the handwash. I see so many guys walk straight out of the men's room it's ridiculous.

I don't care about the ritual, I care about results -- results like killing or washing away bacteria, and two seconds of lukewarm water can't be accomplishing either. It's sort of...delusional? Which is perversely really amusing to me and also really aggravating.

guys wtf are we doing at home on a saturday night talking about this

(i know, i know, but like, god)

We are sad folk.

I've been drinking like seven days out of the last 10, I'm home taking a break and saving money. Plus tomorrow I start packing to move.

I'm watching Battlestar. And drinking. And pumping brick.

That last is a freeweights thing, not a poop ref.

I haven't left the house since Thanksgiving evening.

I have taken about ten shits since then.

ha I took my one of my post-tging bear shits in the atlanta airport

did you see any undercover cops?

I have to power down the active surveillance when I evacuate ballast

Best not to take poops, but leave them.

"It's an Abba turd!"

I don't understand. Why does the authour of this piece think "escapees" and "jailbreaks" are embarrassing? Outside of a bathroom such noises may be rude, but the whole point of a bathroom is to relieve bodily functions.

-- fletrejet, Thursday, 9 January 2003 20:10 (4 years ago) Link

It's not that I think they're inappropriate, but I just don't care for farting around strangers regardless of context. Not that it's rude, but still kind of embarrassing.

On another matter, my work bathroom is a one-seater that is off the reception area, which would be bad enough if it weren't for the fact that the toilet makes absolutely no sound when it flushes--it's eerie and annoying.

Oops! I was going to say-- The other function of a courtesy flush is to mask the violent results of a drunken trip to Taco Bell for the (grrrr) "Fourth Meal."

Srsly though what the hell is it with people who try the cubicle door even though it clearly says ENGAGED? What are they hoping? That the lock will give way and they will burst in catching you in flagrante delicturd (weak pun soz)

http://img66.imageshack.us/img66/9186/imageuploadimagemk5.jpg

I'm usually only embarassed at work if there are co-workers I know, but I one time went to a pizza place where the bathroom was a one-seater. UNISEX.

And I had the worst diarrhea of a lifetime. I mean if I was a boxer, I woulda changed weight classes. My friends could kind of tell with the repeated facial clenching so I excused myself and I mean...the bathroom is RIGHT NEXT to a goddamn table. Seriously, this three top is like not even 100 feet away.

Of course the door is kind of old and weak and I hear someone pull on it twice and have horrors of the door coming free and everybody seeing me farting and dumping with my pants around my legs and a sheepish, scared look on my face.

It didn't happen. But I guarantee once I flung that door open and the scent wafted outwards, there were at least 3 patrons who no longer had an appetite.

I've had worse. When I was in seventh grade I had a bout of explosive diarrhea that decided to commence *as soon as I entered the stall* (note before I managed to pull my pants down or sit on the toilet). I got shit all over the place including my clothes. I ended up sitting there for half the day not knowing what to do. I eventually managed to get someone to bring me my gym clothes and a plastic bag and get a hold of my mom.

^^^I'm freaking glad I didn't have the egg salad I'm eating in my mouth at the time I read that, because I would have spat it all over the cpu. rofl.

I would have shits with all this white girls.

a sexy shit party?

black-pants girls with blow-outs

what is this please?

http://img48.imageshack.us/img48/1438/lw2toiletkj1.jpg

^^ The Reverend in junior high.

Fo realz.

Black pants blow-out = the mainstream young lady's office uniform. Unexceptional in all ways: black pants, black shoes, few accessories (very modest ones, possibly a silver Elsa Peretti necklace from her parents), blow-dried hair, unobtrusive but always acceptable. Not too stylish, but with just enough expenditure showing.

Conversation I just had with my friend Kevin:

me: Kevin, do you poop at work?
kevin: Heck yeah I do. Pooping at work is fantastic.
me: Why?
kevin: Because it takes up time I'd otherwise have to spend working. Make an event out of it and don't do it at home so I can save up my morning shit. I even print out some reading material and take it in there with me. It's awesome.

He did admit to waiting until he's the only one in the bathroom until leaving. So I guess he's kind of an out of the closet pooper. In any event, he's my hero.

The teachers and staff of my high schools liked me so I was able to use their bathroom for most of a year until one nasty teacher put the kibosh on it. Then I had a serious stomach issue in the middle of the day and had to use the fucking students bathroom. Where the stalls had *no doors.*

Still not as bad as one school I went to where the toilets didn't have stalls separating them--just 3 toilets in a line. Grrr.

Still not as bad as one school I went to where the toilets didn't have stalls separating them--just 3 toilets in a line. Grrr.

Inhuman!

kevin: Because it takes up time I'd otherwise have to spend working. Make an event out of it and don't do it at home so I can save up my morning shit. I even print out some reading material and take it in there with me. It's awesome.

^^^ 4-4-2

thanks laurel. i thought it might be that but the blow-out part threw me off.

So have any of you GIS "2 girls and a cup" yet?

I wonder what the record for "longest ass-wiping duration" is. my record has to be 45 minutes

Did you get a chapped anus?

I got splinters...damn pine cones

okay, no

Be a man, use your hand, Bo.

I used smooth rocks when I lived in Wyoming. Best wipes ever.

Aspen leaves on all my camping trips. Resourceful...?

JW unless your hand is made of smooth rocks, you are not a Man according to the above couplet.

I use my shit to wipe. Is that man enough?

doesn't that just mash it in there more?

Not if you dry it out first.

the Chimay ale is about to come back out of my mouth in heaves

PP wins.

huh huh, you said peepee

how about on a cruise ship?

I had to do that this weekend (or else wait 3 days) and found due to the faulty vaccuum flushing that bits of the....material were still lodged in the toilet. took about 12 flushes to fix

Starboard ho, DUH!

haha!

captain's log

make a sailor flush

port'a'loo

yadda yadda poopdeck, something about starfish, tenous davey jones' shitter reference.

cul breach

make sure you only lay floaters

Coem on, guys. Everybody poops.

I'm wipe-shy, though. Big time. Can't do it if another human being is sitting a mere three feet from where I'm about to stick paper up my butt.

Correct Procedures:

1. Check whether cutty is squirming in his chair, has his legs crossed, or displays other signs of an impending trip to the restroom.
2. If not, return to cube. Wait 5 minutes and go to step 1.
3. Grunt like you've got a Coke bottle in yr colon.
4. Fart loudly enough for the vibrations to be felt in the restroom of the other gender.
5. Emit copious quantities of noxious gases. This step and steps 3 and 4 may be combined into a single step, if needed.
6. Deliver product.
7. Allow product to ripen for 5-10 minutes. No "courtesy flushes", please!
8. Wipe, flush, wash, and exit.
9. Stride quickly back to cube w/o swinging arms.
10. If cutty isn't in the restroom, thump him heartily on the back and call him a "bro".

memories.

I used smooth rocks when I lived in Wyoming. Best wipes ever.

Either JW was a mountain man or he had the coolest collection of brown rocks out his back door.

a recent correspondence:

4:42pm
I just went into the bathroom behind this lady and we each went into a stall...right away she started farting and going "ahh" and it was ME that was embarrassed...i couldn't pee for like 2 mintues after that and snuck out as quick as I could.

5:02pm
hahahah i was going to mention that to you, actually. that always happens where i'll be at the urinal and some guy who i've exchanged polite smiles with in the hall will go into a stall and just start BLASTIN! like.. i know there's a 1 inch thick half-door between us but guess what i CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU DIRTBAG. wait 2 seconds and you can have the place to yourself to indulge all your various farting delights.

5:03pm
also: "ahhs"? really?? god

I refuse to even take a leak in the bathrooms at work if I see one stall door closed. For whatever reason, maybe the people all have the same bad diet, maybe they don't courtesy flush or what...but I always smell a shit cloud even as far away as the urinals are and sometimes its made me close to vomit in the urinal. Holding ones nose while peeing isn't as easy as it sounds either.

ppl texting on the shitter: this is rong

its not like the scent bonds to the text message

>(more pooping tips below!)

Conversation I just had with my friend Kevin:

me: Kevin, do you poop at work?
kevin: Heck yeah I do. Pooping at work is fantastic.
me: Why?
kevin: Because it takes up time I'd otherwise have to spend working. Make an event out of it and don't do it at home so I can save up my morning shit. I even print out some reading material and take it in there with me. It's awesome.

He did admit to waiting until he's the only one in the bathroom until leaving. So I guess he's kind of an out of the closet pooper. In any event, he's my hero.

― ENBB, Sunday, November 25, 2007 10:24 PM (1 year ago) Bookmark

This is till one of my favorite conversations he and I have ever had.

Also, people have hangups my God!

i CAN FUCKING HEAR YOU DIRTBAG. wait 2 seconds and you can have the place to yourself to indulge all your various farting delights.

wtf! like it is other people's responsibilities to back up their gastrointestinal systems in order to spare you hearing it? it's a public bathroom for christ's sake!

this thread makes me feel like Tuomas

Use ear- and nosebuds, listen- and smellbag.

wtf! like it is other people's responsibilities to back up their gastrointestinal systems in order to spare you hearing it? it's a public bathroom for christ's sake!

― Tracer Hand, Monday, June 22, 2009 3:00 AM (3 hours ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

srsly!

what's wrong with texting while you poop?

You'll be wiping your 455 with that hand, ew!

shext

shext ha. well, my reaction is that shitting at work is ok if you hafta, as taking care of one's necessities is just life and if youre sanitary its all good. but i guess shexting is my hangup then, i dont wanna borrow anyones shexting device

its good, resume shposting

when Cherry phones become Chocolate

Ok, dude at work just brought an open laptop and headphones into the stall, and then effortlessly dispensed tax advice to his gf/wife over the phone while typing on his computer and ripping an endless series of bowel explosions! Inscribe this guy's lifestory on a titanium disc and send it out into space in the hopes of communicating with extraterrestrials - this guy is the first legend of the 21st century IMHO.

this is what america is about!

did you wait around to shake his hand as soon as he emerged from the stall of champions?

I couldn't even blurb out an "I'm honored to poop next to you sir", I was in such awe. I'll be keeping a close eye in the future, though, no doubt about it. If I was in a position to promote him, I would, even over (no - ESPECIALLY over ) a more qualified candidate.

I bet his efficiency at his job is a significant percentage higher than people who don't type and use the phone whilst shitting. Next time you need a problem solved I'd take it straight to him.

I've got a grunter in the stall next to me.

http://begonias.typepad.com/srubio/images/triumph.jpg

this thread makes me feel like Tuomas

― Tracer Hand, Monday, June 22, 2009 8:01 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

i am kind of in agreement with this

although i suppose really the entire thought is "this thread makes me feel like the tuomas of taking a shit"

what's wrong with texting while you poop?

― harbl, Monday, June 22, 2009 7:52 AM (3 months ago) Bookmark Suggest Ban Permalink

we are all tuomas

One thing I hate is that being tall, and being a "standing wiper", my head comes over the door. so some schlub walks into the bathroom, he can like...see my face. that's all they can see but there is something unsettling about being seen at all while you are wiping your ass.

You should look into other methods of wiping. I believe there's even a thread dealing with it here somewhere.

I'm not changing my wipe style simply because the person that built the stall door had midgets in mind

Turn around so they can only see the back of your head.

or I could put my feet on the right wall then hold myself up with one hand on the left wall so that I'm horizontal and wipe that way

The bad thing about pooping at my work is that the light is activated by a motion sensor near the door, so if you're sat on the bog for more than five minutes or so and no-one else is around, the light goes off and you're suddenly plunged into darkness. It's kind of a relief when someone comes in and activates the light again, but then you're hit with this dreadful flush of shame that you've been sat there furtively dumping in the dark like some sort of poop criminal.

http://passitonsv.files.wordpress.com/2009/08/smooth-criminal.jpg

ahahahhahahahaha

wait standing wiper what

I prefer the jump and wipe.

its like some sort of poop olympics in here

poolympics

i won the gold medal but was dqed from the last event

pooping standing up sounds so inefficient because your buttcheeks are pushed closer together

IT'S HOW THE PACK OF WOLVES TAUGHT ME

wolves don't have buttcheeks, so it's all well and good for THEM

ok, this is an appropriate thread to quote these lyrics:

Plagued with diarrheal secretions
Post-anal drip
Unable to stop the flow of fecal matter
Colostomy irrigation necessary
Colon brought to the surface of the skin
For intestinal drainage
Obsolete anus sewn closed
Remnants of my bowels flood into a bag

I have a new ass

Porthole constantly leaking
Cavity always stinking
I just long to be normal
Secrete from an open bunghole
Overflowing liquified feces
I can't keep it a secret, the evidence stains my clothes
Colostomy has a hole

I soiled myself

("Bag", Malignancy)

People where I work like to sing hymns and pray while poopin'.

Amazing Deuce?

I never poop at work, but today was my last day at a job where the toilets are like McDonald's clean, they're inspected every hour, so I thought what the hell.

wait, standing wiper

Well yes both actually.

I mean, the restroom was clean, but not that clean.

wait so.... when you need to poop during the day do you go to starbuck's or something? idgi

i was also not aware that mcdonald's bathrooms were a byword for cleanliness, times must have changed

I was gonna say, if you're using McDonald's as your bathroom cleanliness barometer there is pretty much no bathroom you won't find acceptable for pooping

xp Well McD's are inspected every hour or something, so they're probably clean. And to clarify, I was at work. Or at least where I used to work up until late this afternoon. And no it wasn't a McDonald's.

xp I actually haven't been in a McDonald's - toilet or the establishment in general - for about 10 years, so I guess they've gone downhill?

did you get fired for pooping?

No, my short term contract ended. Although I could have got fired for using my mobile on the premises (big signs warning that YOUR MOBILE MUST BE SWITCH OFF and MOBILE PHONE USE WILL RESULT IN INSTANT DISMISSAL). Or possibly excessive breaks resulting from excessive pooping.

i actually got the sack once for taking too many toilet breaks. production line at a door-knob factory, i wasn't heartbroken

http://images.static-bluray.com/reviews/5576_4.jpg

No, my short term contract ended.

euphemism or...

what is wrong with pooping at work you get paid and it feel so good except for the flush splashback. flushback

nobody wants a bead of wet poo in the eye

I have to say that upthread I was against pooping at work, but pooping just before leaving the office for the day results in a relaxed feeling of well being that makes the bus trip back home a lot less stressful.

Not least of all because you know you're not going to have to poop again any time soon.

this little story transcends categorization

it's a little bit of poop, a little bit of general washroom talk

anyway

i go into the washroom just now and give myself a quick look at the mirror to take in the view of my dashing self, and fix the hair a bit

as i turn to one stall a colleague comes in

and we stare into each others eyes like deer in headlight

so i say to him, you look a little out of it today, which stall do you prefer? to break the ice

i talk to him often outside the washroom but this was our first time double teaming it

he confesses he does have a preference, so i being the gentleman that i am, ask him to proceed before me and i say okay well we gonna let this place have it!

and he rushes inside his stall and he screams it's a tag team and makes a high pitch laugh

he continues, o this place is gonna be a gas chamber, and breaks into laughter again

i am already in the other stall and as dragon is dangling in the cold, white, stoic room, he says "you know it's just the drive that kills me"

i grow unsure of what to say or do because i just heard his zipper and pants drop

and i say in befuddlement o ya well at least it's not gonna rain...

people from los angeles hate driving in the rain, i don't blame them, everyone drives like a maniac here, and it's been raining on and off, so i try to show a little compassion

and then he continues to talk about the weather and how there's rain in the forecast this weekend, all the while making grunts and pushing sounds

i urge dragon to empty itself out by swinging it a little, as if it had a mind of its own, which is foolish i know, and my visage distorts into a messy puzzle

o i see, is all i can muster

and there is a strange silence for a few seconds, then a grunt, and then the sound of a heavy, dense ball landing deep in water

never had i been so happy about running dry

but he kept evacuating his army out into the sea

and he continues hey have you watched the return to macon county?

i'm shaking off clean and i say making?

-the return of MACON county

oh the return of MAKE-UN county, no

-well you know it's a car movie, i know you're not really into that

i'm done and out the stall and say well you never know

another silence for a few seconds as i do my hygienic ritual

and then my parting words:

well i will leave you to it coach

...

that was a great story though i did only read the line breaks and not the sentences btwn them

https://images1.miaminewtimes.com/imager/marco-rubio-pleads-for-tolerance-for-his/u/original/6560364/marco_rubio_thumb_560x383.jpg

the prohibition on talking while going to the washroom in islam is good imo

please never refer to your penis as the dragon ever again

or any penis for that matter

just don't

i have a snake

Xp

Tbf that name was bestowed to my member by another person (a woman), not me

I’m just trying to remain an objective observer as all great writers have been

i don't shit in a multi-stalled bathroom at work

we put in a single-use gender-neutral bathroom and that's what i use

I am such a quiet stealth pooper at work that I admire the women who blow the place up while other people are having conversations by the sinks.

Our HR person makes such horrific noises and sighs so much when she's in the stall that someone requested they pipe music in and they actually did.

Every place needs to pipe in music. It's such a stupid thing that they don't. I love all the toilets in Japan that have a button for white noise or music.

i like to sound an airhorn continuously while i poop at work

someone needs to invent a reverse-panopticon bathroom design where no one can see (or hear) anyone

Toilets here are generally in fully walled stalls so you can’t hear others

must be nice. today someone pulled the ol' peep thru the crack in the stall to see if it was truly occupied but i'm not psychotic enough to hang a strip of toilet paper over the crack while i go

The single stall/handicap bathroom at work (unknown people would come from other floors to poop in it lol) had the worst design. The lock was one of those that you weren't ever sure if it was fully locked, when you went to test it, it would unlock. And the toilet was far from the door, so if the door was indeed not locked and someone walked in, you would have to stand up and run three steps to the door to shove it close. I understand that the room needed the space but that f'ing lock.

A bar I used to go to in Prague had a single toilet in a long room, with a door with a broken lock that opened up to the whole room. And that wasn't even the worst thing about the place, it was a skinhead bar we only ever went to because we knew we could buy weed there.

xp I discovered a while ago that the cubicle doors at my work are easy to unlock from the outside. luckily I feel like I do not work with anyone who would do such a thing and I'm usually paranoid enough to make sure nothing would be visible by default anyway, but still not ideal

(the lock indicator was in a halfway position and I'd already checked the cubicle was empty but for some reason decided to push the outside of the lock gently with my finger, and in fact the entire lock could move all the way from locked to open and back by swiping the outside vacancy indicator)

current peeve: the sanitary bin is taller than the toilet seat and barely an inch away from it so if you are a larger lady you have to arrange yourself quite carefully on the seat to avoid the bin touching your bare thigh

I keep thinking about complaining about this and then thinking of the horror of writing to the facilities guy to say "hello, here is how fat I am, now think about my bare thighs. signed, a fatty"

splashback solution:

https://i.imgur.com/iLMx1kU.png

i used to be self conscious about doing this but now I just fucking dump it out. don't even care.

better than letting whistlers fly at the desk

boss makes a dollar, i make a dime
that's why i poop on company time

I go to other floors so I won't run into my direct coworkers. It's not shame, specifically. Nor is it a denial that I have bodily functions, it's more like... I want to preserve an arm's length distance between me and my immediate coworkers.

I prefer to be a bit of a mystery, and to retain a zone of privacy. I don't even like to eat in the office if I can possibly avoid it. I don't want to go to lunch with coworkers, or drinks after.

I am here to work and that's it. I already have friends. I already have a family. I don't need work peeps to be either entity.

or work poops amirite

Wokka wokka

I poop at work every day and it’s been pretty amazing lately, just word class poops that leave me weak-kneed

Been desperate to tell someone

congrats, getting paid to poop is the best

Pooping at work is mandatory. What is the key here is not getting splashed with yr own deuce juice by a zealous auto-flush.

i will admit, before I was virtual, i definitely milked bathroom time. it was the best. a 20-30 minute break, bring the boombox into the can and play your fav jams