Australian Open 2004

But then it's Hewitt or Federer in the quarters. Bye, bye, Timmy.

Yours etc.,
Mark C"

The Adorable Bobbin: 19 year old Swede Robin Soderling, who showed by his Shuttle Scuttle that he wasn't soderling around.

In other results, my old mate Sexton Blake beat some bloke called Miranda (fortunately that's his family name), who desperately needs a nickname but I can't think of one.

My other old mate Eunice Alan Hughie (who lost to Roddick 19-17 in the fifth at 1.30 am in the quarters last year, softening up the Big A for Schuttler's armchair ride to last year's final) made a 5 game fly-in limp=off contribution to 2004, retiring and conceding his match to a Spaniard called Galo Blanco (= The Great White Wind? OK I'm guessing.)

I've just seen local Oz fave Nicole Pratt prove she's anything but well named by tipping out 12th seed Meghan Shaunnassy of the US, who moved in quickly to fill the 'appalling tennis fashion' hole made by the absence of half the usual contingent of Williamses.

Agassi and 'legendary Australian' (acc to the Channel 7 teaser) Todd Larkham have just started. The LA in 5-1 down after 18 minutes, but has already won half as many games as he did against the slightly better known Australian Lleyton Hewitt in his 2003 campaign.

More tomorrow.

perhaps a start of season glossary would be useful and then you can expand from there jonesy?

so who are the dangerous opponents that could block Tim's route to the final?

his serve, his attitude, his not being terribly good etcetcetc, oh my sides...

I saw this! It was the most ludicrous thing I'd ever seen, JVL en route to probable victory AGAIN, but his body gave out AGAIN - from 2-2 in the fifth he was completely wracked with cramps and kept falling over after every two points. That Lotto actually went up 5-4 indicates how awful Guga was (double faults everywhere, no attampt to make a cramping opponent run, mishit backhands).

Elsewhere, the Red Army has suffered some losses, but it's barely made a dent in their numbers - Elena Dementieva (from Russia without serve) got creamed by Jelena "Weird Al" Jankovic and blamed it on Christmas, while Nadia Petrova (suffering a buttock injury, by all accounts) got sent packing by Aniko Kapros, whose parents used to be in a circus. But they still have the Bovine One, the Kooz and Zvonareva, who I can't think of a nickname for.

And Daniela Hantuchova has managed to win her first match since... ooh, September or October. Too bad she'll be facing Molik next.

So, Timbo to go beyond the last 16 in a non-London Slam for the first time? Feds to pick up his frightening end-2003 form?

Neither... FedEx is coachless and scatterbrained, and if someone else doesn't get him first Hewitt will take him out. Unfortunately. And Chicken-legs won't get past Nalbandiandiandian.

AGH I've just realised the horrifying possibility of a Roddick v Hewitt final, AGH. That'd be the worst thing ever.

Potential Myskina-Rubin last 16 showdown. Can't they both go through?

The best thing about the whole lark thus far has been "House Of Jealous Lovers" being the theme tune on Eurosport! It's wonderful to hear that riff every changeover.

I should pay more attention to the tennis news (I think it's after the shipping forecast); actually, I did hear something about packing Lund the Rotund in but what's this scatterbrained business all about?

He was in such terrifying form in Houston, that he seemed to have reached some higher mental state. End-of-season form no guide to the Oz Open, of course - look at Becker in '92/'93. Ha ha ha ha.

Fed's form this season = patchy, scrappy win over Johansson and straight-set loss to Agassi, never looking remotely like the player who won Houston (and yes, Lund was sacked post-Houston). Also his record against Llittle Lleyton and Big Dave is woeful.

I expect Tag to pop up any minute and proclaim RF the Manchester City of tennis, such is his mercurial nature. Or was that Goran?

Still... mercurial, he's got nothin' on Safin.

VW or J double H?

Henman currently coasting: 6-2 plus a break in the second vs Liskeard. PolyPhilla is up later.

In answer to the question, VW or JHH, it's Sunshine Band time (she's 6-3 4-1 vs Weingy).

I may have to start getting to work earlier so I can monitor the last dregs of the daytime schedule, rather than just the night matches.

The Big Ouzo and ex-champ Tommy Jo Hanson on serve in first set 4-3, the local lad having to work slightly harder to keep it that way. The Clidge thru with very little hassle.

TJ has first point and two serves to come.

I take all my FedEx scepticism back after watching him school some American kid last night - he was magnificent.

La Clidge would've been my pick a couple of weeks ago but I don't trust that bum ankle - I think she's being incredibly stupid even trying to play on something she admits will require surgery. I wouldn't be surprised if she fell to whoever comes out of the Myskina/Sharapova/Rubin quarter (today - Rubin looked very shaky, Myskina looked semi-shaky and Shaz looked awesome as ever).

Tommy Jo actually allowed himself to become 'almost' animated right at the end when it was too late. It was a good solid performance by the Big Ouzo, and he could go a long way. It would be handy for both Lleyt the Llout and MP to have the other still around a while, and I wouldn't be surprised at all if the seeds turn out OTM and Mark stays in the hunt longer.

Goddamnit, you're right. See, falling back on old nicknames = dud, I've been calling her Mootinez for nearly a decade now.

The draw's certainly opened up for MP now that Wee Willie Coria is gone - a semi-final is well within reach, though negotiating Ancic and Ferrero Rocher could be tricky. The Llout has the Draw From Hell - but I suspect he may be best equipped to survive it...

Oh dear. It's highly probable that Roddick, Hewitt and Philippoussis are 3 of the 4 semifinalists. They happen to be my 3 least favourite players. This may not prove to be such fun.

Bovine lolloped out to Lux Interior and Citizen Smith had a few wobbles (perhaps more vs Open All Hours next round - if Granville can stay on her bike?), but the women's went mostly to plan. Oh, hang on, Dannii's out.

(With the regrettable absence of Anna the Hologram from this year's festivities, the Pole from Russia did her job and possibly even hung around longer than contracted.)

(Who's Open All Hours?)

It's all part of the plan!

The Prattster, as they are wont to call her in Melbourne, beat Morigami, who I remember giving Capriati a rough ride at Wimbledon... I call her Mpaperfolding.

Hungary will now officially reprazent in the last 16 as the Other Kapster takes on the gorgeous Petra Mandula in round 3 - the winner, I suspect, will progress to the quarter-final.

More inane bullshit from Eurosport commentators about early round blow-outs on the women's side and the lack of depth in their field. Given how often they're talked about over and above the women, I'm surprised they missed the Ferrero, Roddick, Agassi, Hewitt, Nalbandian and Federer blow-outs, which were as one-sided as anything Venus Williams or Justine H-H has ever dealt out.

(Although Sexton Blake in the fourth round would probably do a better job than the Todster if the s.g. survives that match, provided the Inspector can get past the virtuous M. Olivier Patience, whose name alone makes me want a look at him.)

There's also a British player called Amadeus Fulford-Jones. Christ, and we wonder why we're lacking serious contenders behind Henman.

About Haas, I know naas.

He may figure that's the best of a bad lot. 'Timothy Patient' makes him sound like the court jester in a bad imitation of a bad Shakespeare comedy.

Haas still hasn't recovered from the shoulder injury he sustained approximately a decade ago... he hasn't played in over 12 months, that I know.

I hope Marat Safin wins this thing, he's by far the best-looking male player around.

I'm no expert (there! a confession) but your comment re Safin may fall into the 'sad but true' basket.

Neither the Llout nor the Fed would, I imagine, be many peoples' concept of an oil painting, and there seems to be general consensus that the Bodyshop Boy's eyes are too close together.

Ferrero is the only one who comes close to the Safin Studness!

JHH used to look just like a very cute elf. Now she looks like a scary mutant crazy buff elf.

Nicole Pratt looks like an extra from Prisoner Cell Block H, I certainly wouldn't mess with her. My Australian sources inform me that all their tennis women are raging dykes except for Molik, who is their current collective target.

But you may like to guess where most hits to Anna the Hologram's web site per head of population come from (Clue: Aussie Aussie Aussie Oi Oi Oi!), while you are deciding how much cred to give to the views of 'your Australian sources'.

Also consider that some extremely ugly men have represented Ourlandgirtbysea at tennis (look at Wayne Arthurs, Andrew Ilie, Richard Fromberg as well as the aforementioned Llout).

Agree that Nicole Pratt's ability to inspire relates totally to her mental strength. But the mature Evonne Cawley was, and is still at age 50+, stunning. Nicole Provis Bradtke also had her admirers.

Agreed on Pratt's mental strength, she seems to win matches on willpower alone.

She looks like Claudia Kodhe-Kilsch from the wrists out and Francoise Durr from the eyelashes in. Maybe.

Now, La Goolagong made Safin look like Ivan Lendl, did she not? I'll always remember my Dad picking her as Wimb champ in '80, and (even at 12) thinking this was sentimental nonsense but I better politely go along with it to humour him. Good old Dad.

There were some weird reports floating around a week ago that Capriati had pulled out of Melbourne because she'd gained 25kg. It's never stopped her in the past, she's always had a bit of a beer belly. Mauresmo is looking buff 4eva at the moment too.

Obviously I support my Russians above all others, but I'll be genuinely torn if the expected Venus/Justine final materialises - they're the only realistic Slam contenders (sorry, Anastasia - love you but you're not there yet) I have any time for, and I want them to win for very different reasons. Hopefully Myskina or Sharapova can tear up the draw and spare me the dilemma.

No Serena, you do NOT need to try and top it.

(if you turn the brightness up the background shifts to green but it otherwise reads as black on my monitor anyway)

Elsewhere, Arfurs outlasted by the indomitable Costa (play Wimbledon one year, why dontcha?) despite 39 aces. 2002's boy wonder Ancic lurks in round three for the winner of Santoro-Philp, and right now Mark P is on the verge of levelling it at one set all. I hope this is a long one, we haven't had a running commentary sesh on this thread yet.

The women's last 32 looks very tasty - I'm pulling for Jill Craybas, mostly cos her name reminds me of some exotic Louisiana dish, when in fact she's a Rhode Island girl. They're big on seafood too, I expect.

Wayne Ferreira-Jacqua, even 12 years after stopping McEnroe's Last Stand, still shows no sign of going away. Unlike his vertically challenged compatriot Armarmda Coetzer, who bowed out today and must be running out of chances. Which is a major pity because I always found her Ice Queen persona strangely attractive.

Coetzer was/is ferociously attractive, and one hell of a competitor. Yeah, WF keeps plugging away - usually into the 32s or 16s of the Slams. He'll keep it tight for two sets vs Bandy, but go down in no more than four.

Meanwhile, Lleyts has a dangerously undaunting-looking date with one Rafael Nadal (who has crept up to 41 with barely a murmur) before he need think about any probable altercations with the Roger Federers of this world. And beyond Rodge, one of the quartet of Nailbags, Billy Canine, Waning Wayne or the Henperson will lie in wait and we're STILL not up to the semis.

Right now the Oz pair are looking more like Floorboard and Turkey, 6-2 in first set. But most of the few good shots originating from the Oz side of the net are Rafter's.

I don't think Nads will be able to threaten the Llout as much as I'd like, oh well. Reid's match was by all accounts a cracker, losing a two-set lead only to guts it out in the fifth. The Scud is resolutely failing to impress. Super Mario to take him out next round?

Second highest ranked lady to lose - 14th seed Anna Smashnova-Pistolesi, who after dithering with her maiden name and married name for the best part of two years seems to have decided to use both of them. La Smash-Pistol was ousted pretty convincingly by 15-yr-old schoolgirl Tatiana Golovin - ethnically Russian, but playing for France. Saw her at Junior Wimbledon a couple of years back - she's a very special player, and will be up at the top with Sharapova in a few years' time.

Biggest upset on the women's side - eighth seed Aiiii "Booyakasha!" Sugiyama dethroned as Queen of Japan by compatriot Sweet'n'Saori Obata, who was 4-0 up in the second set, tried to choke, but pulled it out in the end.

Arguably the first big women's match has been set up: Princess Anastasia will be posed the somewhat tricky question of "how do you solve a problem like Maria?" in the next round. I'm so torn.

(Camera panned to the AO Grand Poo Bah, Paul McNamee, during Pat's interview. Has that man aged or what? Can it really be only twenty years since he and the other Mac were the Woodies of their day?)

And isn't it strange how Australia seems to produce doubles pairings with well-matched names? Is that the first consideration? The 'Stoli' pairing of Jason 'Oi! Oo you callin' bignose?!' Stoltenberg and Sandon 'Son of' Stolid, oops I meant Stolle, didn't quite reach the same heights. Maybe they should have accepted that sponsorship from that vodka brewer....

I think they're big on crayons up there too.

The fabulous Fabiola Z of Colombia is into a Slam fourth round for the first time; Big Davey curses up a storm but still eases through; Russian teenager in choking shockah as Da Kooz blows a 5-2 second set lead over the Double H; all hail the last qualifier left standing, one Mara Santangelo of Italy, who scored a Big Fat Greek Win over Daniilidou. Mixed fortunes for the Ausettes - Nicole P fails to elicit a match-blowing tantrum from Zvonareva but Molik sweeps imperiously past the pride of Luxembourg, Claudine Schaul.

Dentyne never looked like toppling Rodd's crown; he clearly needs to brush up on that second delivery - eleven double faults (five on the top row, six on the bottom; two possible root canals), losing serve (a serve that reached 219km/h - unfortunately they were barely out there the hour) eight times. That leaves him with only 13 healthy gnashers. Enqvist's sampling theorem was undone by AntiAlias; brickwalled in round three.

Old Todd nixed from 2-1 up for the oofteenth time in his career, but it looked a hell of a struggle vs Saffy. Paradiddle strong enough to net Kuerten in three.

A Magyarathon on show court 2 as Kapros squeaks through 12-10; goodbye Nicole P and Crayon Girl, Hello Molli. Hards and Dave - no worries.

(not rewriting this! xpost)

Still, an impressive start to a major career for 'Cloudine' (as it's pronounced in the media guide), who also reached the third round of her only other maje, last year's US. Very very soon 'Clouds' will be very very good, but her service urgently needs work. That well known tennis writer of yore, George Orwell, would call it 'doubleoplusungood'.

Meanwhile, Our Leese goes on to a fourth round showdown with French charm school graduate Amelie Mauresmo, who allowed Anabel 'Funky Cold' Medina-Garrigues little chance to warm up. Best of luck Ali, you'll need it, but I sure as hell wish it for you.

I swear it's not just (or at all) because she's the most obvious suspect among the crew reported by Alex to be (literally) chasing the Molik tail, although that mental picture does little for my digestive system, but of all the players still in town she is the one I'd least like to see still taking up court space next weekend.

From there to the beer garden to see Safin finally shake off Forrest Gump oin the big screen, then back to MCA to see big-serving Flordan Rob 'Ringo' Ginepri put Lleyton's old Davis Cup mate Nick Escude out of his rather too obvious misery in straight.

Robbie dresses a bit like a rock musician from a slightly bygone era, except maybe worse. On today's effort he might not yet be in the Keith Moon or Ginger Baker class, but I'll grudgingly and (after my Ringo crack last night) in slight embarrasssment admit that he is better than Adam Clayton. Another Frenchie, Sebastien 'Big John', awaits.

I arrived just in time to see Sexton Blake finish off yet another member of the French nation, Ollie la Virtue, to set up the meeting with Safin I envisaged last night. I am no longer quite so smug about the likely result.

Meanwhile, Agassi just keeps bulldozing everything in his path. Today his anointed practice fodder was 98 King of the Castle Tom N. Quist (no relation to Adrian). He'll win this thing, you know, Andre. If not him, Federer. If Rodge has a shocker, it has to be 'Body Shop Boy' Roddick. Definitely. Either him or Safin. Unless Hewitt keps improving. But the other local hero might send him home to Adelaide at the SF stage....

Who'll win? Who'll make the final? 'How the hell do I know?' is the only available honest answer.

Tomas E was the finalist beaten in 99 by the even more sadly missed Yevgeny 'Spud' Kafelniklov. Hands up anybody who can honestly say they've noticed that this year Yevvers is not among us?

Sum total of my viewing experiences so far: one point each from JHH-Kuzzy and Safinity-Toddality on breakfast TV. However, the BBC promise extensive highlights for the middle weekend PLUS their usual through-the-night live coverage of the singles finals.

Running through some old videotapes back at the folks' last year I found a daily BBC2 highlights show from, I think, the 1998 tournament - with a trailer for live tennis on BBC Choice (which became BBC3, didn't it?) Shame there don't seem to be the funds available to do this again for the Freeview faithful.

No one gets out of the blocks quicker at the start of the season than Agassi - he's like a legal Ben Johnson. Funny, if he'd bothered to make the trip down under before 1995, I wonder how many GS titles he'd have now?

Yevvers? All ATP draws are odd-numbered now, aren't they? Leaving a space just in case Kaffee turns up. If only they'd changed the rules to allow him to play more than one event per week.

(Can I plead that MJ maintains his symboliste inscrutability? It's like Gertrude Stein grappling with Dan Maskell in a bubble bath of distilled SJ Perelman.)

A shell-shocked Dent admitted that he would have difficulty trying to put the result behind him.

"That was definitely without question the worst tennis experience of my entire life - not only professional career, but my entire life," he said afterwards.

Dent said at one stage during his match of humiliation a woman in the crowd yelled out. 'Come on Taylor I paid good money for these seats.'

"I answered back, 'it's costing me a lot of pride to stay out here'".

Bless.

yours was much better! My imagination was sadly lacking this morning. But I was one of the few who noticed the Kalashnikov's absence - Safin said in a press conference the other day that the Special K has retired without telling anyone, something he really ought to have done last year.

The ATP has officially turned into the WTA - between them the Bodyshop Boy and AA dropped less games yesterday than JHH and Big Dave combined, and they had the theoretically tougher opponents as well. Hopefully this will mean some crackers next week.

If I knew how to post pictures I could point out a quite astonishing resemblance between Roddick and Donald Duck, but I wouldn't know where to start :(

It's 1:13am on Saturday, so I should be able to last until MySki and Shari hit the MCA for a full dress rehearsal of the 2007 Wimbledon final (at the end, Barry Humphries - as the Duchess of Kent - will present the winner with a foil-disguised bin lid and there'll be a short barrage of disposal camera flashes, before the victor is whisked off to a nightclub for two glasses of complimentary Tizer and a quick slow-dance with Mario Ancic followed by mock-ups of ensuing tabloid sleaze: "Maria/Anastasia: I Dreamt I Was A Leopard And Roy Jenkins Was My Biochemical Dad Horror").

Meanwhile, back on planet Roger, Feds is 6-3 6-0 4-1 vs Beryl Reid despite making more errors than his opponent. I guess RF is cleverly waiting until forty-love to attempt those blindfolded sidespun lob volleys from the ump's chair. Ooh, he's just won. This is getting ridiculous. If the top seeds were getting byes it couldn't be any less taxing.

Which would, of course, be a shame, wouldn't it?

The best thing that can be said about Chopper Reid's effort today is, it was better than Taylor Made, sorry Dent, was last night.

(BTW, I'm completely with Lex on the subject of 'when Andy Roddick beats Taylor Dent 1,2,0 it's because Andy's so good, but make 'Andy' short for Andrea, and change Tails's last name to Dayne, and the same result is because Dayne is crap'. It is becoming tiresome. And 'Clouds' the unknown provided much sterner last-set opposition to her obviously-superior opponent yesterday than experienced French Davis Cup rep Escude.)

So, we're both up and dreaming of sheets of Melbourne sun. Raymond Baxter may make tomorrow's (world) headlines if she keeps this up - a double break in the opener vs Venus. Frazier Crane and Princess Far I are stubbornly refusing to vacate MCA for the main event (four each in the decider).

Nope, didn't work, they're still sluggin' away.

Lex/Nerk OTM about how the 'lack of depth' argument is never touched wrt the men's game; half a dozen results isn't evidence of that, of course, but still it's pretty extraordinary. Not since Borg and Vilas used to make people look stupid on Parisian clay in the 70s have I seen a set of early-round GS results like this. I think Timbo will make up for it with a clumsy five-setter vs Canas.

Lisa R ahead by the odd break in three in set two vs Willie, but anyone who writes Venus off in this situation is plain retrograde.

Venus has recovered that break and it's 4-4 in the second now; Farina won that mysteriously suspended epic 7-5 in the 3rd and now our darlings are on court. Sharapova has won only two of the first twelve points. Settle down, now. Dishy Dechy and Ruddy Rubin safely through.

Kim coasting, Golovin a set up, Pavel have a 'mare.

Thank you and good night.

One of Dechy, Schnyder, Suarez, Golovin and Raymond will be a Grand Slam semifinalist for the first time. My money's on Suarez, but Golovin's career will eclipse the others' and I wouldn't be shocked if she came through... inexperienced, though.

Bloody Eurosport think we're more interested in the serve-fest of Super Mario and Flip than in Princess Anastasia vs the Queen of Scream, the cunts. Mario is fit, though, so it's not all bad.

Someone needs to get the Clidge out, she's so fucking boring and if she's out we have a SHOCK FINALIST and so much for "the women have no depth".

Nailbags ousts Farreira in straight sets 2 4 5. (At that rate, had they been playing best of nine, Wayne may have forced a tiebreak in the fourth and won the fifth and then anything may have happened.) Still, good to see a loser slugging it out to the end.

Y'know that feeling when you wake up on a crisp, sunny winter's morning and you just know that teletext is about to whip the bedsheets out from under you and push you into a cold shower? Thanks, page 481. So, out 9-7 in the fifth to Canas in 4hr53 after holding a two-set lead - it's all a bit disappointing (I'm only really knee-jerkily anti-Hen in SW19). Looking forward to the highlights on Grandstand though.

Gavel brings down the hammer in much the same comeback stylee vs NoVac, who belied his name by, well, ultimately sucking. I know nothing of this Fronchy prodg Golovin - could she catch career-high Raymond Scott on the way down? I whispered to Chanda before the tournament, "Play Mysky For Me," and now I get my wish - Annie orphaned the Shar of I-Ran-Down-Everything in three.

Right now: Lleytz is edging Nadal - up by two breakers to flatwater. The right to test Philps looks like being Costa's right now - 6-2 3-3 vs Arazi.

Few moments later, switch back to the in-vision, he's serving at 4-4. Kind of know it's over, somehow...

The odd one out of Lex's five is Suarez, down in three to Patty Schnyder, thus setting up the big money tie against Natalie Dechy that the whole damn world has been waiting for. From those four, I'd be backing Raymond for the semis. I dunno much about tennis, but following my failed £7.50 bet on Sharapova at Wimbledon last year, I no longer trust teenagers. Also, Schnyder and Dechy aren't usually very good at Grand Slams (particularly not Schnyder).

Furthermore, Lisa Raymond would appear to have nicked Jennifer Capriati's arms:

So much for my prediction genius. I'm now backing Pattycakes for the semis... she's got a couple of Slam QFs under her belt already, Dechy looked less than impressive yesterday and Schnyder has never lost to Liiiisa. I thought she was injured, but clearly not... beating the red-hot Bartoli and Suarez is good stuff, and she is uber-talented herself. I don't know why I don't have faith in Raymond, she was magnificent yesterday... but it also seemed that she was feeding off Venus's game a lot, I don't know if she'll be able to replicate that level against a lesser opponent. Also, this is a big opportunity for her and she gets nervous.

It's somewhat disturbing to find that there are already people perving over Golovin (though tennis commentators are all horribly lecherous), can't they at least wait 'til she turns 16 tomorrow? She's already been asked The Kournikova Question (response: "that's very unoriginal of you". Hee!)

Hitch 'Em High Arazi serving for the match at 5-1 in the fourth vs Costa. Looks like that's in the bag.

Little thrilling glimpses of the other matches on the Beeb - Nadal spiking his forehand into the court's extremes, Hewitt retrieving everything; Federer floating through with a weird loopy off-forehand to finish off Tod Reidstader; Scud's passing shots as brutal and matter-of-fact as they've ever been on a hardcourt.

Neck-extension exercise #1: Schalken will test Roddick more than Hewitt tests Federer. What precisely that means results-wise I leave in the hands of you, the jury.

ST: No, no. no... it's like an urgent telegram received in a nightmare, while the videprinter results are transcribed by a cryptic cruciverbologist

PF: Prefab Na2 Co3 Lavvia Anna was there hiver such a gill as hour pore lavvia, anna?

ST: Plurabelletristically, as Gerald Sindstadt said to Tony Gubba, one rainsoaked Saturday evening before the wrestling in 1978.

PF: A couple of late mid-Atlantic results in:

Goering, H 2-5 Churchill, W

MacGregor, I 2-2 Scargill, A

Lawrenson, M 3-3 Ratcliffe, K

Slothrop, T 2-1 Sinclair I

TG: Oh!... and a GOAL!... for LIVERPOOL!!

The total lack of surprise at Timbo's demise is in itself a bit surprising. Less surprising (to me at least) was the Arazi erasure of 'General' Albert Costa. The epithet 'Clay court hack' could easily be abbreviated to 'Bert'.

Molik out this morning, bravely but with an air of inevitability, to Amelie Moretestosterone.

Fabulous Fabiola has become just the fifth Latin American QF-ist at this tournament, halting the rapid rise of Aniko Kapros in straight sets. It feels both good and bad that you can be in the last eight of a Grand Slam by beating what must surely be the ultimate group of death - Asagoe, Diaz-Oliva, Craybas and Kapros.

Big Dave has swept imperiously through the first set against VZ, though both are being moody cows - I don't think a smile's been cracked on court yet by either.

Molik is such a battler! That match was entertaining.

(JHH having no problems whatsoever with our valiant Last Qualifier Standing, now 6-1 1-0 up.)

Hoping that the Grandstand highlights are of Louise Santangeli* running La Juste into a breaker, Duckworth's narky strop and Safety's bizarro thrown-racket winner vs Avon.

(* - OK, this ref is old schoolfriends only. Of which I have none.)

There's now been a run of six straight Grand Slams with at least one Russian woman in the last eight - My Skin A is their last hope to make it seven. I hope she makes it!

Good news: Llanwrst-Ffedereriog is the night match and can therefore be followed by somniacal worker-Brits with fast connections. Yay! Maybe even a touch of Champazi/Poopsis.

But now I must miss the next six hours play due to sleep commitments.

Chanda Rubin is gorgeous. She can play just a tad as well. Just won the first set v the Ana the Musk.

*Nastya is apparently her real nickname, the Russian diminutive of Anastasia.

La fille francoise is out, Venus's conqueror being a level too high for her. The Lleytonette, meanwhile, after a spot of empathy with her compatriot's Italian struggles, is now two points away from ending the challenge of Silvia Farina Elia.

Every FM morning DJ with pretentions (however unjustified) to being a comedian, which basically is all of them, will pronounce his name 'cane-arse', and that's basically what happened to him.

(Two 1969 hit parade refs in the one post. Shit you're getting old Nerk! Referring to the 'Hit Parade' surely removes all remaining doubt.)

So, what happened to Lippo? I gave a guilty whoop when I saw Razor Razi had seen him off, but what a hammering. Are we deliberately failing to notice Ferrero's unflashy, motorik progress, so we can act surprised when he wins the tournament?

Fred - just wondered how the Aussie press had treated Timbo's demise. Barely-concealed gloating or anguish at the dwindling numbers of men still in the competition who understand the rules of cricket?

Feds-Hewey in four minutes! I better get my ass to work...

(100th post is next)

'Telling the tragic news of Lord Smith's death to a population who had never noticed Lord Smith was alive'.

Lleyt has broken Rodge in the first set to lead 3-2.

Back to adding insultingly literal hard-of-hearing subs to a late 80s Hong Kong comedy thriller...

Mishit by Fed - Deuce.

Wow.

JM: 'Growing up in Switzerland, who were your tennis playing heroes?'

RF: 'Not many Swiss, although Marc Rosset's a good player and a good fellow who has helped me...I grew up watching Boris Becker, Stefan Edberg, Pete Sampras, not so much you, I was hardly born when you played, I had to ask my dad about you...'

My brain is trying to get to grips with the notion of Fabiola Zuluaga as a Grand Slam semifinalist, having beaten no one ranked in the top 40. Eek.

Andy Roddick v Marat Safin
Andre Agassi v Sebastien Grosjean
Hicham Arazi v Juan Carlos Ferrero
David Nalbandian v Roger Federer

Women's quarter finals:

Justine Henin-Hardenne v Lindsay Davenport
Amelie Mauresmo v Fabiola Zuluaga*
Patty Schnyder v Lisa Raymond
Anastasia Myskina v Kim Clijsters

*(Zuluaga is through to the semis and Mauresmo is out injured)

Tennis thread in rare moment of lucidity shockah.

Im which case both Jorjeous Jussie and Linz must really each fancy their chances if they can get past the other.

Shame OS-Jean couldn't stay operational long enough to give Andre3000 a full diagnostic workout. Right now, Jean Paul is struggling in his chains, down a set but, crucially, up a break in the second vs Pandy. Vive la revolution!

Big Dave didn't give The Hand much of a match by all accounts - she went 4-0 up, had three set points, then proceeded to fold.

I think the Princess is the only one left who can beat the Clidge in their half too... unfortunately I don't think it'll happen :( Which at least means I don't have to stay up until some unearthly hour to watch another All Belgium, All The Time affair.

Very first break point of the third set and Marry nails it. I can see it going to five, though. Great stuff.

Roddick is getting frustrated. I've just noticed that he has wonderful lips, but overall Marat's just the better man.

I think he's shagging that brunette. Bitch.

Roddick took it 7-0 and Safin looks tired :(

MARAT IS BACK!!!!!

Subtitling Laurel & Hardy shorts from 1930 has never been so tense.

The IBM scoreboard is the suckiest thing ever... in fact the entire AO website is rather embarrassing.

Re: rankings, http://www.tennisone.com/magazine/larson_news.html is a rather geeky site which reports on tennis. Daily. With emphasis on the mathematics of rankings. Which is useful for those of us whose heads are hurt by numbers. The situation apparently is:

Andy Roddick:
If he wins, he's #1 no matter what
If he loses the final, he's #1 if: Federer loses in the semifinal and Juan Carlos Ferrero is not the winner
If he loses his semifinal, he's #1 if: Federer loses his quarterfinal and Ferrero his semifinal (which probably means David Nalbandian makes the final)
If he loses his quarterfinal, he cannot become #1

Roger Federer:
If he wins, he's #1 no matter what
If he loses the final, he's #1 if: Anyone other than Roddick wins the event
If he loses his semifinal, he's #1 if: Roddick also loses his semifinal and Ferrero does not win
If he loses his quarterfinal, he's #1 if Roddick also loses his quarterfinal and Ferrero loses before the final

Juan Carlos Ferrero:
If he wins, he's #1 if Roddick loses the final and Federer the semifinal. Which, since Ferrero and Federer meet in the semifinal, means he's #1 no matter what.
If he loses the final, he's #1 if: Roddick loses the semifinal
If he loses his semifinal, he cannot become #1
If he loses his quarterfinal, he cannot become #1

Which means it's between Ferrero Rocher and FedEx... and they're both great, so I am very happy indeed today :)

It's like a dream come true. We could potentially have a Nalbandian-Safin final with Rog waking up Feb 2nd to find the keys to the kingdom slipped under his hotel room door. Actually, *any* final pairing from the remaining six looks good to me.

I suspect Ags might complete a quartet of GS runners-up spots to complement his career GS - not even Laver had such symmetry.

Oh, and Patty through as well, and most likely through to the final given that the Clidge can barely walk. Let's just hand the trophy to Justine now, shall we?

How the Clij managed to mortein the Mosquito (isn't that what all people from Moscow are called, just like anybody from Paris is a Parasite?) from that position, nobody will ever know. Except doubtless if it had been Kim admiring a 4-0 lead over a lame opponent, the reverse would quite likely have happened.

Last year, Eunice Alan Hughie wrecked Lleyt's chances by beating him (which tends to do the trick in the KO format of competition) and two days later did the same only slightly more subtly for Roddick, by putting him through a 40-game final set, which handed a final spot to Schuttler which in turn made a gift of the title for AA.

What remains to be seen: did Lex's favorite Donald Duck lookalike do Safin exactly the same favor last night, with the same man ultimately benefitting? Safin is surging but next up, having played 14 sets in his last three games, he cops a bloke who had played less than that for the tournament, and ten games last start, and also, just as inconveniently, happens to be the reigning champion?

FWIW, I think the Body Shop Kid looks like Shane Crawford. For those British and American members of the audience who have not the foggiest who Mr Crawford may be when he's home, he's the captain of Hawthorn FC (that's AFL, Aus Rules). If the 'occasionally mighty' Hawks ever turn up on ESPN or SkyChannel, you'll know Shane. He'll be the one that looks like Andy Roddick. Glad to clear that up.

(JCF a set up on the Marrakesh Expresss. Doubtless that will surprise many watchers who are just realising that 'No Not Wayne This Bloke's Spanish' is even in the country, such is the lack of media surrounding him.)

I'm sure that back in 1998 or whenever, when Arazi was terrorising the Big Ouzo the first time, he had a lot more hair and a lot more neck. Now especially from the back he looks a lot like Gladstone Small.

Feds in four.

(Unfortunately (for this thread only), the suburb of Sans-Souci is not in Melbourne, but just across the river from the legendary Sylvania Waters, in Sydney, where such ultra-wanky suburb names are very much in vogue. Just up the road from SS, heading towards the airport, is Brighton-le-Sands.)

Fed wins 4th set 6-3 and gets to be McEnroe's straight man again.

I'm not sure I can stay up for Leffe-Westvleteren Saturday morning; it's the third final in four between the two and only worth a long-play tape.

(Saffy serving at 4-5, first set. Off into the arctic wastes of SE London...)

(Getting to work was easy - aside from the slip-slide slalom down Gipsy Hill to the station).

Sexton Blake - James Blake
Forrest Gump - Todd Martin
Body Shop Boy/Kid - Andy Roddick
Clidge - Kim Clijsters
Eunice Alan Hughie - Younis El-Ayanoui
Romy - Patty Schnieder
Princess Anastasia/Mosquito - Anastasia Myskina
FedEx - Roger Federer
JCF - Juan Carlos Ferrero
Nailbags - David Nalbandian
Big Ouzo/Flip - Mark Phillipoussis
Marrakesh Express - Hichem Arazi
Dave/Big Dave/Citizen Smith - Lindsay Davenport
Tommy Jo Hanson - Thomas Johanssen
Anna the Hologram - Anna Kournikova
Yevvers - Yevgeny Kafelnikov
Chopper - Todd Reid

Ask about the others as needed.

Debating whether to get on with work or watch the Saf-Ags final set... I fear that Safin may have run out of steam, unless that fourth set was a tank job. Should have finished it off in the third, goddamnit.

(I am nearly over the Anastasia defeat. Nearly, but not quite.)

And Marat has a break point in the fifth! Which he takes! Flippin' 'eck! Serving at 3-1!

Safin's been quite something this tournament... to have come back from nearly a year out and beat Martin, Roddick and Agassi all in gruelling five-setters. I'd predict that he'd be too tired to win the final were it not for the fact that I thought he'd lose today - and certainly the extra day off helps.

(also - the women have been comprehensively outshone)

Agassi leaves. Bud Collins wonders aloud whether he will be back.

Marat is shagged on his feet but still has top do the McEnroe thing. Roger F might sometimes exaggerate the dodgy English, but with Marat it's no act and he really is struggling.

(Xpost back to my last)

We never get to see the J-Mac interviews. Eurosport censors it and cuts away just before they start talking.

Looking back over the women's semis... I see that Batty Patty pulled an Anastasia and choked a second set lead away. I really hope Justine wins the final. Trivia of the day: she becomes just the fourth active woman to have reached all four Slam finals (after the Williams sisters and Seles).

THE COMPLETE ILX TENNIS THREAD DEMISTIFIER, SORT OF

Rainy/Shousted - Rainer Schuettler
Bobbin - Robin Soderling
Karl-Ivo9/Ivy - Ivo Karlovic
Gorgeous Gustie/the triple Garrosian - Gustavo Kuerten
van Lottum/Vannie/JVL - John Van Lottum
Timbo/Henny/the Henperson - Tim Henman
Bandy/Nalbandiandiandian/Big Dave (in context of men's tournament)/the Nalb/Nailbags - David Nalbandian
the Bovine One/Bovine - Elena Bovina
the Kooz/Da Kooz/Kuzzy - Svetlana Kuznetsova
FedEx/Fed/Feddy/Rog/Feds/Rodge/Radio Frequency - Roger Federer
Chicken-legs - unsure, poss. Lleyton Hewitt
VW/Willie/The Queen Vee - Venus Williams
J double H/JHH/Hards/La Juste/H squared/Jorjeous Jussie/The Pencil/The Hand - Justine Henin Hardenne
Ferry/Ferrero Rocher/JCF/'No Not Wayne This Bloke's Spanish'/NNWTBS - Juan Carlos Ferrero
Lleyts/Lleyt the Llout/The Llout/Chewitt/Hewey/Hewi/Low Hum - Lleyton Hewitt
Cap'n Verkerk - Martin Verkerk
MaxMi - Max Mirnyi
Lopezzz - Feliciano Lopez
PolyPhilla/the Dinosaur - unsure, poss. Mark Phillipoussis
Roideski - Greg Rusedski
The Big Ouzo/Flip Poo Sis/MP/Philp/Mark P/Sissy/The Scud/Flip/Poopsis/Lippo - Mark Phillipoussis
Tommy Jo Hanson/Tommy Jo/TJ - Thomas Johansson
The Clidge/La Clidge/The Lleytonette/Clij - Kim Clijsters
Cowchita Mootinez/'Remy' Martinez - Conchita Martinez
Kristina Brandi Butter - Kristina Brandi
Shaz/Shari/Shara/The Queen Of Scream/the Shar of I-Ran-Down-Everything - Maria Sharapova
Wee Willie Coria - Guillermo Coria
Rodders/the Bodyshop Boy/the Dickhead/Rodd/Pandy/Anita - Andy Roddick
Ags/AntiAlias/AA/Andre3000/The Agmeister/The Agster/Agatha/Dr Dre - Andre Agassi
NQuest/Tom N. Quist/Tomas E - Thomas Enqvist
Steradent - unsure, poss. Paradorn Srichaphan
ToddAO/the Todster/Unibrow/Old Todd/Forrest Gump/Toddality - Todd Martin
SjengALeng/Sjenga - Sjeng Schalken
Blakey/Sexton Blake/The Inspector - James Blake
Lux Interior/Clouds/Cloudine - Claudine Schaul
Citizen Smith/Big Davey/Dave/Big Dave/Linz - Lindsay Davenport
Open All Hours - Laura Granville
Dannii - prob. Eleni Daniilidou, unsure
Chris GucciGucciGoone - Chris Guccione
Origami/Mpaperfolding - Akiko Morigami
Anna the Hologram - Anna Kournikova
the Pole from Russia - could be anyone of a number of Russian women, probably either Sharapova or Anastasia Myskina
The Prattster/Nicole P - Nicole Pratt
Other Kapster/the Kapster - Aniko Kapros
Nemo - Jarkko Nieminen
Ourlandgirtbysea - Australia
Sarkis Sarkasm - Sargis Sargsian
Reidy/Beryl Reid/Chopper Reid/Tod Reidstader - Todd Reid
Charlie Pasarell's forgotten son - Jeff Morrison
Wizened Wayne/Ferrari/WF/Waning Wayne - Wayne Ferreira
Arfurs - Wayne Arthurs
the Fabrication/Faberge/Suntory/Santoro!toro!toro!/Fab - Fabrice Santoro
Sancheez - David Sanchez
Armarmda Coetzer - Amanda Coetzer
Saint Patrick/Raft - Pat Rafter
Billy Canine - Guillermo Canas
Nads - Rafael Nadal
Super Mario - Mario Ancic
La Smash-Pistol - Anna Smashnova-Pistolesi
Aiiii "Booyakasha!" Sugiyama - Ai Sugiyama
Sweet'n'Saori Obata - Saori Obata
Princess Anastasia/MySki/Myska/Annie/My Skin A/Anasty/Ana the Musk/Stasia/the Princess/the Mosquito - Anastasia Myskina
Petra M - Petra Mandula
Fabiola Z/Fabulous Fabiola/Fabiola Zellweger - Fabiola Zuluaga
Dentyne/Taylor Made/Tails - Taylor Dent
Saffy/Safinity/Jean Paul/Maratski/Marry/MS/Ratso/Marais/The Big Feller/Fina - Marat Safin
Crayon Girl - prob. Jill Craybas
Molli/Our Leese/Ali - Alicia Molik
'Big John'/OS-Jean - Sebastien Grosjean
Ollie La Virtue - Olivier Patience
Yevvers/Kaffee/Kalashnikov/Special K/the Kafmeister - Yevgeny Kafelnikov
Raymond Baxter/Rain Man/Lisa R/Raymond Scott/Liiiisa/Ray du Monde/Venus's conqueror - Lisa Raymond
Frazier Crane/Smokin' Joe - Amy Frazier
Princess Far I/Kazan - Silvia Farina Elia
Rick Rubin/Ruddy Rubin/Moet et Chandon - Chanda Rubin
Discount Booze - Elena Likhovtseva
Dishy Dechy - Natalie Dechy
Lina K - Lina Krasnoroutskaya
Gavel - Andrei Pavel
NoVac - Jiri Novak
Pattycakes/Romy Schneider/Batty Patty - Patty Schnyder
Hitch 'Em High Arazi/Champazi/The Marrakesh Express/Razor Razi - Hicham Arazi
Amelie Moretestosterone - Amelie Mauresmo
VZ/Duckworth - Vera Zvonereva
Last Qualifier Standing/Louise Santangeli/The Saint Angel - Mara Santangelo
Safety - prob. Marat Safin, poss. not
Avon - poss. James Blake, no idea
Coq-au-vin/La fille francoise - Tatiana Golovin
Llanwrst-Ffedereriog - Lleyton Hewitt vs. Roger Federer
Eunice Alan Hughie - Younis El Aynaoui
Leffe-Westvleteren - Justine Henin-Hardenne vs. Kim Clijsters

Clearing up some loose ends -

Chicken-legs = Tim Henman
The Dinosaur = Andre Agassi
Steradent = Taylor Dent
Dannii = Daniela Hantuchova (though I'm sure it'll be used for Daniilidou at some point too)

Steradent - Taylor Dent
The Pole From Russia - Danila Hantuchova
Crayon Girl is right
Avon - no idea. I might have to go back thru the results and work it out.

WBS is the missing link between Harvey Keitel's Cleaner and Keft Shamblin, the compulsive glossarian-hero in JN Nepotion's novel A Week Of Sour Porridge.

So, g'bye to St Andris of Agsisi, the boy who only recovered from the shock of Santa's non-existence when his folks told him (at age 24) of a strange faraway land called Oz, where a mythical fourth Grand Slam is played - under a roof if it rains. "Late, but in earnest" - maybe he's a Kerr way back.

Good news for those of us near the Greenwich meridian - it all kicks off at 4am GMT tomorrow in Rockhampton Rocket's Realm with the women's doubles final (P'ual/S'rez-Kuz/Lik), followed by Erlich/Huber*-Paes/Navratilova in a mixed semi and THEN There Can Be Only Juan vs Mount Federest. So, it's almost like a night match, with point-by-point followability for the commuter crowd.

(* - not Anke, Tag. Do calm yourself.)

Gerfed is streaking away from Geraldine in his usual greased-track rocket-sled manner: first two sets, 6-4 6-1. The coronation should happen in half an hour at this rate.

In the mixed, Marty N is in the running for her five-kabillionth title, easing into a final vs Bovril/Nenad (but what happened to her and Baxter in the women's? Love and three in some early round?). Virgi'n'Paolz nabbed the WD title, squashing the SovaSeva threat.

Safin hasn't a hope in Hades of course. Just like he wasn't a prayer against Roddick. Or Agassi. Just like if he somehow snuck past Martin, Inspector Blake would then put him on the bus.

Just like the Croat....

But one ABC talking head chose an most unfortunate time (in these days of rumors of high-level corruption in sport) to pronounce the first name of one of the WD winners as 'Payola', not once but twice in separate statements.

Fred, no howler could possibly come close to "Christine Henin-Hardenne" at the US Open last year!

The Ageless One is in the 3489383th Slam final of her career in the mixed doubles, and with Leander Paes will take on the equally legendary team of Nenad Zimonjic and Elena Bovina. Who would ever have though that Martina Mk I's career would outlast Martina Mk II's?

Marty I was on the radio beforehand, and was at least as interesting (and probably far more so) than the game itself. She said the first time she was meant to be 'past it' was 1981, before Marty II was a year old.

It's just dawned on me that my favourite players are #1 in the world - that hasn't happened since... well, it's never happened.

I like how JHH is being portrayed as a bit of a bad girl, too... probably residue from the hand incident (gotta admire any 5'5" girl who can make Serena cry, really), but apparently she influenced the overruling of a dodgy line call at a crucial point in the final set in her favour. Then screamed "allez!" Allez indeed Justine, put your hands in the air like you just don't care cos niceness (the Clidge) gets you nowhere in tennis apart from the wrong end of Slam final losses.

Anyway, the winners mostly came from Juhenji; a man who is tired of that backhand is, well, possibly nauseated by arcs of Belgian midriff. Agassi used to have his shirts especially tailored (a testament to the flexibility and forgiving nature of the English language that I can just about use that word there) to give the snaparazzi lensfuls of Las Vegan belly-hair as he pivoted to slap back a forehand return (at, one likes to think, Buffalo Boris's shuffling shoelaces, as the Liemen Lech forfeited another service game).

RF skies a backhand on the 11th stroke of the rally attempting some subatomic spin: F0-1S
RF rolls an immaculate b/h line pass: F1-1S
Clean f/h winner off typically short MS 2nd serve: F2-1S
RF b/h error: F2-2S
First point with the serve, as RF slices in a wide one drawing the Russian mistake: F3-2S
MS loops an approach onto the baseline, RF thinks about it then whips the f/h pass: F4-2S
Surprising b/h error off an impoverished MS delivery: F4-3S
MS dragged wide, goes for low %age line-drive, misses: F5-3S
MS misses return long: F6-3S
RF hits creamy f/h winner, kissing tape en route: F7-3S

Saffy so befuddled at 3-5 he tried to serve from the wrong court; last time I saw anything like that in a GS final it was an utterly drained Stefan Edberg in the fifth set in Paris vs Chang in '89.

MS toughed out three set points in that game but is offering only token resistance to the Swiss delivery, now that 'Oges has decided to take a little pace off and get most of them in.

I hope Marat can find something from somewhere...

[200th post!]

I just hope nobody says Federer had a soft final like Lleyt's Wimbledon. Rodge did what the Body and AA were unable to.

In other news, Navvy didn't win her queenteenth title in the mixed, but lost to the NZ/EB partnership (which seems Australasian enough to me). Men's doubles? Search me. It's 5:40am and I need my bed.

N'night, Fred.

Final roll of honour:

Men's singles - Roger Federer
Women's singles - Justine Henin-Hardenne
Men's doubles - Michael Llodra and Fabrice Santoro
Women's doubles - Virginia Ruano Pascual and Paola Suarez
Mixed doubles - Nenad Zimonjic and Elena Bovina
Boys' singles - Gael Monfils
Girls' singles - Shahar Peer
Boys' doubles - Brendan Evans and Scott Oudesma
Girls' doubles - Sheng-Nan Sun and Yung-Jan Chan

Good to see that the nickname potential is being kept strongly alive by the junior contingent. And that's that, the women now traipse off to Tokyo (where we have a Hantuchova/Molik re-re-re-rematch in round one, with the winner to probably face Sharapova) and the men play Davis Cup. Thankyou and goodnight!

Sorry Prat, it's over. Your time in the spotlight has passed, you were always a painful little turd, and after all your puerile spoilt-brat antics as a player you're not embarrassed with your choice of legs to stand on now. Just go away, please.

To return to much more relevant and interesting issues, Roger carried off the title and we all enjoyed watching him but it was the other bloke who was involved in the memorable matches, and clagged himself thoroughly in the process. But the Agassi and Roddick epics will live long in the memory, and if Safin can stay fit he must be a chance to carry off some silverware later in the year.

Whither Hewitt? Who knows. Whither Rusedski? Who cares. Whither Agassi? Maybe he's starting to. Whither Nerk? Back to tennis hibernation until Wimbers. It's been fun. See yas in late June!