tonight I have witnessed Carrot Top "jump the shark"

*beats Adam down*

Gear, have you ever seen Carrot Top before? This gag is perfectly in line with his m.o. of suckitude. Court/court, geddit? It's a complex pun.

At this point my eyes began to bleed and my soul fell out of my ass.

Your intestines are rising, up towards your throat
Stale bile escaping through your bloodied nose
Your colon digested into acidic slush
Your tongue gargling on your dislocated anus

i wonder if it comes out orange...

I did, and yeah, it is. That whole netherworld of Christian entertainment is, among other things, a gold mine. I worked briefly at a studio/record label that was failing at regular rock music and begining to flirt with Christian Contemporary, so those guys were always hanging around. We heathen rock types were busting our butts to get the civilian bands door gigs, but the Christian bands were playing churches for big fat guarantees plus all the money they made on merch. If you're gonna sell your soul, so to speak, you can get a good price therein.

The sad part is that this isn't the first time I've posted this picture.

http://www.nndb.com/people/989/000031896/gest-enl.jpg

My world has been turned upside down.

"(click for larger versions)"

http://photos30.flickr.com/35174899_5c5364fd52_o.gif

http://www.calamusbooks.com/newsletters/v2_35/Madame200.jpg

Nah. That's just the roids. They do all sorts of fun things to your facial structure.

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGG GAAAAAGAAAAGAAAAAG

JAYMC TO THREAD

who the fuck is that on the left?!

http://photos8.flickr.com/9236013_d2f36a8934_m.jpg

Well of course you must make sacrifices- I for one lost my peripheral vision after my last cheek implant but I weighed it over carefully and realized I only used it for driving so it was a decision I could live with.

http://www.blogsmithmedia.com/www.tmz.com/media/2007/06/0611_carrot_top_sov.jpg

So not gonna happen (the horrible part is that it probably could).

carrot top is in madame tussaud's now?!?

what was left of my soul has just asphyxiated itself

http://fastjack.at/images/uploads/Forbidden_Zone_Devil.jpg

OMG - why?!!!!!! He's so gross in every way.

Your search - "carrot top harem anime" - did not match any documents.

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once again:

http://photos30.flickr.com/35174899_5c5364fd52_o.gif

Uh-oh, folks -- read upthread a few years back:

I saw him on Howard Stern a while ago (I know, why was I watching that, I think I was sick or something) and he was UNSPEAKABLY creepy. He was showing off his freakishly muscular arms, and talking about how he loves to go to Nevada brothels and come on women's faces aka one-man bukkake.

Now vom further.

if a certain LA judge was REALLY smart, he'd have allowed paris hilton to remain under house arrest -- provided that she be confined with carrot top for her entire sentence.

i mean, we don't have habeas corpus any more & "cruel and unusual punishment" went out the window with guantanamo -- and paris & carrot-top are quintessential products of THIS decade -- so why not?!?

Hah, I forgot his real name was Scott Thompson. Did the Kids in the Hall Scott Thompson ever acknowledge this?

Trivia

* Carrot Top's father appeared as a contestant on GSN's revival of I've Got a Secret. The Panel figured out his secret, and Carrot Top gave a performance.
* He has made guest appearances in TV shows such as Scrubs, Reno 911!, Figure It Out, and Mind Freak.
* Carrot Top has also been frequently parodied, often in a manner mocking his routine as unfunny. Such examples include Mr. Show (in which David Cross appears as "Blueberry Head"), King of the Hill ("Celery Head"), and Family Guy ("Carrot Scalp"). Even his Scrubs appearance as himself shows him being unfunny to the present interns.
* Carrot Top recorded a commentary track for the 2002 Roger Avery film The Rules of Attraction. On the commentary he states that the reason he did it was because "they couldn't find anyone else to do it."
* Carrot Top took up bodybuilding in 2001.
* Carrot Top has the same plastic surgeon as Axl Rose.

Awards and honors

* American Comedy Award: "Best Male Stand-Up", 1994

* American Comedy Award: "Best Male Stand-Up", 1994
* American Comedy Award: "Best Male Stand-Up", 1994
* American Comedy Award: "Best Male Stand-Up", 1994
* American Comedy Award: "Best Male Stand-Up", 1994
* American Comedy Award: "Best Male Stand-Up", 1994
* American Comedy Award: "Best Male Stand-Up", 1994

yeah, I was just gonna post the trivia but that's a punchline in itself

lol olden days

He seemed kinda funny the first couple of times I saw him when I was 10.

I've actually seen Carrot Top's act live. I bet he was an only child.

omg what the hell did you do to deserve that?????

unfortunately, carrot top's existence justifies the UK's anti-ginger prejudice

That bit about The Rules of Attraction is what's making me wonder.

Free tickets and a suffocating case of ennui. -xp

And they got Carrot Top to do the commentary on Rules pretty much because he had never seen the movie before.

During the first two minutes of it, he goes "Oh look at her. She's hot. Yeah I like that!" I didn't watch any more of it after that.

Bret Easton Ellis should do a Chairman of the Board commentary.
x-post

Why make him suffer?

During the first two minutes of it, he goes "Oh look at her. She's hot. Yeah I like that!" I didn't watch any more of it after that.

You turned down your only chance you'll get in this day and age to openly make fun of a retard!

I actually like that movie a good bit. Carrot Top? You're kidding. It's not a bad movie. It might even be a good one, I still haven't decided.

xpost re: Rules of Attraction

norm mcdonald should do a chairman of the board commentary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GoLm-vD89SQ

Is Gallagher still touring?

You wanted to know:

http://gallaghersmash.com/

Gallagher is working with Michael Quinn on a toilet design that will save water.

i wish that said Martha Quinn

Gallagher's words of wisdom: Don't Fry Bacon Naked!!!

xp to youtube: oh, for the days when Conan still had Andy Richter

Don't fry your naked bacon.

i thought gallagher's twin brother killed him ina murder-suicide

stylee

Maybe he killed him and took his place.

going from poor man's gallagher to gallagher isn't worth a murder rap

Yeah but who would know?

The “Gallagher Too” controversy

At some point during the early 1990s, Gallagher’s younger brother Ron Gallagher asked Gallagher for permission to perform shows using Gallagher’s old routines, and also using Gallagher’s trademark Sledge-O-Matic routine. The idea was that Ron Gallagher, who was unemployed, would tour the country working small venues that couldn’t afford a show put on by Gallagher himself. Since Ron bears a strong familial resemblance to his older brother, the show would be almost like having a real Gallagher show.

Gallagher granted his blessing to his younger brother on the condition that Ron and his manager would make it clear in their promotional materials that it was Ron Gallagher, not Gallagher himself, that was putting on the show.

After a few years of complying with Gallagher’s conditions, Ron began subtly blurring the line between his act and that of his brother. He would often promote his act as “Gallagher Too,” a moniker Gallagher felt was insufficiently informative. In some instances, Ron’s act was promoted in a way that provided no clue to prospective attendees that they were seeing someone other than Gallagher himself.

Gallagher initially attempted to get his brother to stop these activities by requesting that he stop using Gallagher’s well-known Sledge-O-Matic routine. These efforts proved fruitless, and Ron kept touring as “Gallagher Too” while using the Sledge-O-Matic routine his older brother had made famous. Consequently, in August 2000, Gallagher sued his brother for trademark violations and false advertising. The courts ultimately sided with Leo Gallagher, and an injunction was granted prohibiting Ron from performing any act that impersonates his brother in small clubs and venues.

During the lawsuit, all of Gallagher’s immediate family sided with Ron over the controversy. As a consequence, Gallagher is now estranged from his parents and siblings.

:(

Gallagher as King Lear.

"proved fruitless"

I'm trying to find this legendary demolition of Gallagher's attempt at a Latino-themed show in Santa Ana some years back via the LA Times archives but my library access is slowed to a crawl (doubtless because it's finals week). Maybe tomorrow.

now I'm imagining watermelons with sombreros and mustaches glued on them and shit.

Based on the photo that ran with the article, you are not too far wrong.

figures

Score! I have found it. Hold on here...

Okay, this was by Alisa Valdes-Rodriguez, one of the sharper writers there when this ran. Haven't kept up with her work since. Anyway:

Hmm. How to put this delicately? We'll simplify: Mime-like, stringy-haired man in black hat smashes food with mallet on stage for living. Man, who no espeakey no Spanish, hears Spanish, thinks Spanish good, Spanish muy muy dinero. Man spends one month learning important Spanish words such as cerveza, caca and culo (butt). Man invents Spanish words, such as "sperm-o" and "embarazamante." Man decides this is enough Spanish to put on show for Latinos. Man smashes pinatas, wears giant sombrero and shakes keg-sized maracas. Man mocks Jews and gays and women and constipated old people. Man thinks he is muy funny comedian-o.

Man hopes all Spanish-speakers agree.

But wait. There's more. Mucho more.

Man rents hall in Cerritos. Man advertises "Gallagher en espanol: La Fiesta Grande" on Spanish radio. Man hopes thousands will come. Two hundred come, many with children and babies and old (possibly constipated) people. Man babbles for three hours Thursday night in "language" neither English nor Spanish. Language heretofore known as Gallagher-bonics. Next day, executive director of Cerritos Center for Performing Arts issues statement stressing that "Gallagher show was a rental event and not produced or presented by the Cerritos Center."

Man hires dance troupe to open show. Man performing for mostly Mexican American audience. Dance troupe, called Salsa Kids, performs Puerto Rican dance style. Male dancers wear guayaveras, the four-pocket shirts worn by old Cuban men in Miami. Mexican American audience appears unimpressed. Stone faces say: Ugh, bad medicine. "Is this like ballroom?" a woman in the audience asks. "My sister, she's taking that ballroom dancing."

Show goes on.

First nine rows of audience are in white plastic chairs. People in white plastic chairs equipped with clear plastic bag to wear over clothes because later mayonnaise and refried beans will spew over them. Signs warn: Cuidado, Piso Resbaloso. Wet floor. Man shoots water on audience from giant penguin after salsa dancers leave stage.

Other man named Vic Dunlop, a comedian hired to help because he supposedly speaks Espanol, takes stage. Dunlop wears Mexican blanket, sombrero and glasses with eyes painted on them. Makes jokes about black people and blind people in bad Spanish. Says show is sponsored by Culo Cola, the soda with the taste of an expletive. In audience, Debra Garcia, 50, is bored and thinks the show immature and plans to leave early.

Man appears with penguin and yells, "Como? Este hombre no esta en mi show. Vamanos."

Second assistant "comedian" who actually does speak Spanish comes on stage. Her name is Dyana Ortelli and she is Mexican American and makes a living mocking Jennifer Lopez's bottom, stereotyping Chicanos, and wearing bad wig and no pants. Ortelli helps man throw chocolate at crowd. Man says: "Quien no tengo chocolate?" Translation: Who I don't have chocolate? No one sure what he is saying.

Man introduces Chupacabras. Chupacabras is goat-sucking monster seen in Puerto Rico three years ago. Man in ape suit pretends to be goat-sucking monster. Man forces child onto stage with monster. Man asks: "Quien tiene mas pelo de Chupacabra?" Translation: Who has more hair of Chupacabras? Child makes disgusted face, jumps off stage. Ortelli looks sad. Man babbles about goat-sucker: "Es muy fuerze, es muy fuerza." Translation: Is very strength. No one laughs. Man frustrated. Tries to say "espectaculo," which means "show," but says "specta-culo," which sort of means butt-gazer.

Man calls for rock band. Fulano de Tal, from Miami, plays well. Man wears giant parachute dress and dances. Man spray-paints a lie on the back wall: Yo No Soy Gringo. Man says in Spanish that he is a cowboy. Man says he is newborn Mexican and caresses his naked hairy belly.

Man tells joke about bear and rabbit pooping.

Man gathers audience volunteers for Mexican hat dance. Says "Tengo un muchacha" over and over. No one laughs. Man says "Culo, culito" until people laugh. Man says "moco" for extra humor. Man is tired of trying. Man says in English "I need a beer." Man curses under breath off mike, but audience hears anyway.

Man begins dumping buckets of food onto plates. Man stops trying to speak Spanish. Man gives up and speaks English. Man says: "We were expecting a big crowd tonight and we're going to do a show for a big crowd anyway" because the crowd is small and shrinking. Man is booed again. Man yells: "It's the Fourth of July weekend, you don't got no place to go so just shut up." Man hits Pop Tarts with tennis racquet. Man says "Un muchacho quiero comer," which means "I want to eat a boy" and the boys look scared.

Many people who paid between $21.50 and $26.50 per ticket walk out as man flashes white underpants and yells culo, culo, culo and cerveza. Man angry Latinos have no sense of humor. Man throws egg and marshmallows at old woman and baby as they waddle out of theater. Man calls old woman vulgar name in English. Man spits beer on children. Some in audience too polite to leave. Others impolite enough to boo. One courageous enough to hurl a lunchbox-sized chunk of watermelon at man's head.

Man smashes food with 16-pound mallet. Man says, inexplicably, "Todo el mouthwash el hits me en el crotch-o." Man sings "La Cucaracha."

Man smashes more food. Show over. Man bows. Man slips on floor.

(And yes, Cerritos, not Santa Ana.)

"gallagher-bonics"

OMGWTFLOL

mierda santa

so is the photo lost to time?

Looks like. I just remember him with said sombrero and maracas looking like an asshole.

"I want to eat a boy"

Really, what hell could we wish on Gallagher that he did not bring upon himself there?

i know i saw either pauly shore or carrot top live in 1998 but i cant remember which it was.

I can only hope the scars have healed.

Ah, there's one for the "famous" guy in every movie:

http://m1.freeshare.us/150fs907547.jpg

That photo's gotta be fifteen years old. From his Myspace profile, you can witness his descent into looking like Barry Corbin. Just beware of the Chambers Brothers and liberal use of the "Porky's" font.

oh my god ned

This is probably the most embarassing thing I've ever said on ilx (including those ill-advised RHCP-fan early days) but I thought Carrot Top's Rules of Attraction commentary was hilarious.

I was waiting for your reaction, Dan.

http://m1.freeshare.us/167fs146967.gif

Your forehead's not supposed to do that when you raise your eyebrows up.

It's mesmerizing and horrific all at once. Well done!

Also, when is he going to make the leap to full time drag queen? COME ON.

CT has bummed me more than one cigarette. He was hell of coked up, but probably the only friendly person I dealt with all night (I was a valet in front of an exclusive Aspen night spot). Srsly, very nice!

I only say "CT" because that's what his homeys called him.

I'm listening to I'm Henry VIII, I Am by Herman's Hermits with that gif going. It fits perfectly, try it.

C on T

for some reason, he was part of comedy central's roast of flavor flav.

(and for some reason i watched it.)

hahaha what the hell would CT have to say about Flav? I mean if Flav were to make a list of "at least I'm not..." I'd think CT would be on it along with Vanilla Ice, Michael Richards, etc.

That said, I think I'm going to have to catch a rerun of that.

Srsly this thread is a wonderland of awfulness

http://i.cnn.net/nascar/2002/comm/chat/10/02/kwallace_transcript/kenny2.jpg

scanners.gif

the flava flav roast was hilarious.

carrot top was especially great because i don't think he knew that the roasters also get roasted, so you could see him getting gradually pissed as every single person got up there and was like "carrot top is here. he looks good... considering he died in 1996" or like "carrot top, you look like what would happen if ronald mcdonald and the girl from wendy's fucked." he was like cursing under his breath, and as the show went on, when they would cut to a carrot top reaction shot after someone zinged him, you could see like jeffery ross next to him kind of consoling him. then as every comic came up you would end up wating for the carrot top zing to find out how mad he was. jimmy kimmel (sitting directly to his left) was actually slouching away from him and covering his face as he laughed because carrot top was getting that frusturated.

anyway, go figure that carrot top would take himself that seriously (i.e. getting mad at someone calling him "retarded.")

it's on again now, I'm recording it and will watch in a bit

I'm pretty sure I'll be up all night, this thread scared me good

that's what you get for digging through threads that are best left buried

http://www.perfectduluthday.com/carrot-top.jpg

http://www.poprock80s.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/carrottop.jpg

http://content2.totallycrap.com/media/carrottop/carrottop_01.jpg

http://www.damnimcute.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/carrot.jpg

Jesus, waxed.

love the "carrot top" embroidery on his jeans there. a class act.

well yeah, Eazy. When you're Carrot Top, you have to wax, in case somebody later on wants to look at Carrot Top's penis.

the piece de resistance there is 'carrot top' embroidered around the jeans pocket

Disproportionately hyper-developed triceps and dyed eyebrows? Congrats, Carrot Top. You keep setting the Creepiest Human Alive bar higher and higher.

since i'm from the internet, i tooo know he's weird

http://www.nerdsonsports.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/barryvbarry.jpg

http://i37.tinypic.com/2gvq0es.jpg

The problem with posting hilarious Carrot Top ad spam is that no one would ever click on the thread! I mean, I understand, I wouldn't do it either.

I like to think that those ads are a case of modern technology gone haywire, an ungodly sort of marketing monster put together by a seriously misguided and ill-designed search engine algorithm.

I'm not sure if Carrot Top was ever on the other side of the shark...

Seriously, WTF?

"where he was tossing around some sports-related props, including a briefcase Kobe Bryant would bring to work that--wait for it!--has a tiny basketball hoop in it, so he can practice! with foam basketballs!"

This actually is really hilarious in an ironic Andy Kaufman sort of way (which I assume isn't what CT was going for).

holy hell, what is going on with his delts.

The Pathos Of Gallagher

You know, I think when Clinton ruined the presidency, it certainly made my point of mediocrity. We never pick a president who is above, we pick somebody we identify with: the lowest level, the most common. We didn’t pick the best politician in the Bush family, which of course was the governor of Florida. We picked the beer-drinking good ol’ boy. Ask them to lead us in areas that maybe didn’t require a good ol’ boy. You know, this is what I notice. Of course, I’ve been excluded from a lot of show business in America. So I’ve got a point of view that I don’t mind expressing, because I’m really not ruining a career that’s not really happening.

Wow. Yeah, just, wow.

are you fucking kidding me with this stuff

http://media.avclub.com/images/articles/article/36622/Gallagher_jpg_595x325_crop_upscale_q85.jpg

And I kind of take responsibility for the mosh pit. Major amusement parks now have splash rides—you don’t even have to be a participant in the ride to get splashed, you can be on a bridge. And of course there’s Blue Man Group, GWAR, Insane Clown Posse, all have a necessity of putting plastic on the chairs or people wearing plastic to the show. It becomes a blurring of the rules. And I’m, you know, somewhat at fault here.

Holy shit, I didn't know what a lunatic Gallagher was.

Don't forget this choice bit of him upthread.

Good grief. I knew he was a buffoon, but I didn't know he was such a bigoted buffoon.

Still, I gotta admit that "Man says 'Un muchacho quiero comer', which means 'I want to eat a boy' and the boys look scared." is kind of a diamond in the rough imo!

Man, WTF with these guys.

http://www.ugo.com/movies/guide-to-best-hair-cuts/images/entries/krusty-the-clown.jpg

I'm not sure if Carrot Top was ever on the other side of the shark...

― Huck, Wednesday, 11 August 2004 05:08 (5 years ago) Bookmark

first response hall of fame material tbh

Oh my god, how did I forget the terrifying wonder that is the "Gallagher en espanol" story?

Gawd that Gallagher Too story is so bizarre.

gallagher correcting the flopping comedian has totally the same aspect as quayle egging the kid on til he adds an "e" to "potato"

his wikipedia resume is killing me:

Carrot Top has appeared in Larry the Cable Guy's Christmas Spectacular, Gene Simmons Family Jewels, Space Ghost Coast To Coast, Criss Angel Mindfreak, Scrubs (2001), George Lopez, and Tugger: The Jeep 4x4 Who Wanted to Fly (2005).

http://gawker.com/you-simply-must-see-carrot-top-at-the-luxor-reports-na-1443841594

"I have this (toy) bus that smoke comes out of, that I say is Snoop Dogg's tour bus, and there have been many occasions where I've pushed the button and no smoke came out of it," Carrot Top reveals to Heather Turk, a writer at 10Deep.com, a division of USA Today. "The crowd would just be like, 'What?'"

dying

https://i.imgur.com/0tfWRuH.jpg

DUDE WTF

I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW HE WAS FACTORY

today i have witnessed Carrot Top's "Carrot Top"

i'm talking about pubes

Seven days from today, Carrot Top's pubes will crawl out of your computer screen and do prop comedy at you until you die

all told, it's probably what i deserve! i mean i wouldn't choose that ending, but it is fair

please carrot top, don't open that briefcase, i don't want to know what's inside, no-nononoooooooo

Awesome pics. Great size. Look thick. Solid. Tight. Keep us all posted on your continued progress with any new progress pics or vid clips. Show us what you got man. Wanna see how freakn' huge, solid, thick and tight you can get. Thanks for the motivation.

I kinda imagine pandemic Carrot Top to be really out of shape and flabby now.

still looking freakn’ huge, thick, solid and tight as of april 2020

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r_-zkPAqZDU

haha dammit you beat me to it

This was in March:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6GZJWsrN5U

cursed image

now that Ron Jeremy's been arrested on multiple counts of rape, Carrot can finally assume his throne as Preeminent Aged Alpha Adonis Entertainer Not Yet Charged With Rape

hahaha I was wrong. Glad he's sticking with it.

he looks like he’s been skipping leg day tbh

Can't believe this is some ILXors first exposure to Carrot Top's pubes.

It’s not the first time that pic has been posted on this board

Pubes I've seen via ILX: Momus, Carrot Top

Carrot Top is his own best prop.

there was some Bruce Springsteen photo with pubes posted once, it was hot

Carrot Top looks like he was assembled from a panoply of mismatched spare human parts.

https://vignette.wikia.nocookie.net/pixar/images/9/98/Ducky.png/revision/latest/top-crop/width/360/height/360?cb=20200102012854

welp thanks, thread.

Now that I've seen, this, I will probably have a nightmare that I am Luca Brasi getting garroted, but instead of piano wire, they'll be using one of CT's pubes

Seven days from today, Carrot Top's pubes will crawl out of your computer screen and do prop comedy at you until you die

― shout-out to his family (DJP), Tuesday, June 23, 2020 3:47 PM bookmarkflaglink

"I call this the 'Rubik's Pube'...."