Write synopses for a comedy show

In which the Gary and Pauline Wicked with their son and daughter Henry and Tracy move next door to a building site whose workers are practising for a charity rock concert.

ITV, 1982

starring: derek nimmo

what else do you need to know about this programme? hell, i think it actually happened.

Two lovable Serbian rogues (Dick, Dom) flee to a building site in Barnet to seek asylum and cause havoc with their law-bending antics, while having to remain one step ahead of the dreaded Immigration Officer on their trail, Harold Himmler (Stephen Lewis).

Dick and Dom appear as the loveable rogue animal duo to perform the pair's famous cartoon antics in real life (one-off special only - total running time: 12 secs).

An everyday suburban couple, Frank Bruno and Margot Kidder, are placed a hairtrigger of insanity by ornithologist-next-door David Warner who insists on mic'ing up his large collection of cuckoo's through Pink Floyd's sound rig. Cameos by Roger Waters, Bill Oddie and the Lurpac trombone guy.

The World is my Cloister (Granada Men and Motors, 2008)

Lovable rogue priest David Essex falls foul of the meddling Cardinal La Monde (Richard Stilgoe) and has to spend one year locked inside his priestly lodgings with only a anthropomorphized old sandwich for company.

half-serious here...

Novel sitcom where everyone communicates in mobile phone txt speak only. This week: Louise sez 2 meet in pub at 7 then hers shes fit mate well in there lol c u l8r m8.

Trevor Nelson, Zane Lowe, Emma B and Paul Coia voice embarrasingly poor CGI cows who's constant fights against weight gain are a huge source of annoyance for grizzled old Farmer Heemus (played by Wizbit).

Astonishingly ill-advised claymation romp-a-thon from Nick Park's oscar winning team detailing the foul exploits of serial pederast Johnathon King. Voices by Mark Almond, Desmond Dekker and the Borg.

Keith Barron stars as a bloated, lonley old cove convinced by American friend Randy Trolmatic to find a replacement for his dead missus via international internet mail order. Ken C guest stars as a pair of curtains.

Swimfan star Dan Hedaya stars as the disembodied voice of a small plant of the genus Lilium living in constant fear of being castrated by Australian fast bowler Dennis Lillee.

The spirit of the Bard inhabits body of modern-day Rasputin. Tonight: The Taming of the EU (PBS, 30 min.)

Light-hearted spin-off from the popular movie franchise Cube wherein a series of fiesty young pop starlets are forced to endure the Cubiscus and it's unrelenting mix of high level math and low level torture.

Speedway announcer Thuh Presentt (Arthur English) finds his modest existence increasingly complicated by his uncanny resemblance to centuries-dead occultist Noh Tyme (Diane Keen), whose followers hound him with mostly slapstick results.

A guy needs a shite, but lacks the anatomy to do so! Hilarity ensues.

In this quirky yet bittersweet comedy, wheelchair-bound ex-trucker Dave leads a glamorous second life on an off-topic message board, but things become complicated when his feminine alter ego is pursued by an obnoxious horror films fan. In tonight's episode two hundred guinea pigs are freed from a laboratory at the same clinic where Dave has an appointment with a sexy new neurologist.

Alexei Sayle returns to the art of sitcom as a Soviet worker committed to the liberation of his comrades and the debasement of the Tsar (played with predictable aplomb by Bobby Davro). With a malnourished Judi Dench as Rasputin. Guest starring Neil Tenant as Trotsky, Jim Tavare as Lenin and a CGI goose as everyone else.

Stephen McGann, Paul McGann, Lesotho McGann and Streptococcus McGann star as four identical cousins who repeatedly find themselves in bizarre situations pregnant with comic potential which are never resolved within the 9min format of the show.

An attempt to reprise the Melrose Place aesthetic with a CSI/Forensic Investigation element added for insurance.

An exceptionally sweet, perky and doe-eyed young lady (Ronnie Corbett) goes on the run in Victorian Britain from a squad of evil witch-hunters (played by boyband Blue) when her vaginal yeast infection develops it's own personality and starts yelling pornographic anecdotes at inopportune moments.

Three part comedy drama chronicling the attempts of Joe from the film Joe Versus The Volcano to set up a wind farm in Devon - but the locals have a few surprises in store... Starring SAM KELLY as Joe, DANIELLA DENBY-ASHE as Sevilla, CARLISLE UNITED FC 1993-1994 FIRST XI as Plymouth Argyle FC 1993-1994 First XI.

As hapless farmhand Tem, James Dreyfus must fess up to his disapproving father (played by the drummer from The Zutons) regarding his latent homosexual tendencies. Michael Barrymore cameos as the straight man, Kathryn Drysdale (of 'Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps Please 'fame') the cheery but desperately annoying and unfunny girl next field who try as she might just cannot 'turn' the tenacious bugger (they both end up falling in love with the same horse).

Now that Raymond and his brood have left the neighbourhood, the remaining Generically Italian Surnamed Family intrudes on the lives of the new inhabitants of Ray's old house: A Gay Couple.

Will from TFI Friday plays a female sheep obsessed by Holger Czukay and the element with atomic number 82, constantly plagued by a sore throat and both the current conflict in Iraq and the ancient battle of Hastings she befriends a depressed sentient archery target (Mr. Soft from the Softmint commercials) together they enter the European parliament dressed as transcendental idealist Immanuel Kant and a large Mackerel Shark where they expose a secret plot involving Microsoft and a New York furniture designer.

Umm, when's TV go home being updated?

M. Night Shyamalan's failed foray into sitcom, which takes place exclusively in the dirty unfinished room made famous by REM's chart-breaking hit. This week - some dude dressed as a painted angel despairs over a falling jug of milk whilst Peter Buck stands to the side with a mandolin looking visibly bored.

*stands up, applauds rapturously*

An ambitious young Trotskyite shipping clerk from Bootle kidnaps an entire public school and attempts to open their eyes to the world by giving the hits of Mud a contemporary trip-hop re-working with his motely crew of mis-matched mates - but the locals have a few surprises of their own in store... Six part sitcom starring JIMMY MULVILLE, JIMMY McGOVERN, JIMMY SOMERVILLE, JIMMY BULLARD, JIMMY HILL, JIMMY CARR, JIMMY FALLON, JIMMY KIMMEL, JIMMY JAM, DESI ARNAZ and CHLOE ANNETT.

Cloris Leachman and Bill O'Reilly star in this outrageous new sitcom as siblings who can't believe the shit coming out of one another's mouth.

Hapless everyman Martin Freeman is recurringly hampered by assorted wacky characters in his efforts to 'health grill' some skinless chicken breasts. Hilarious cameos including Leslie Joseph (as a superannuated minx intent on getting hold of Martin's chunky butcher's sausage), Aled Jones, and Harry Hill (featuring Stoofah).

Depressed by the cynical attitudes of their young customers, Blackpool donkey handlers Neil Buchanan and Ted Rogers attempt to devise ways to put young people off coming to Blackpool. This week, Clement Freud is unimpressed by a family from Kidderminster's attempts at beach volleyball.

An aging good-time girl in the Moll Flanders mold reminisces on her saucy past and many loves, in this gentle and sentimental romp through history. Mild fantasy horror and violence.

Nookie Bear stars in this four-part adaptation of Amanda Plead's sparkling novel. 2. Bec has accidentally left her septum on her ex-boyfriend's pillow - but is borrowing her flatmate's burqa really the solution?

Dutch version of the hit NBC sitcom. Technically gay but virtually asexual metrolite law talking guy (ditches flighty faghag (who in this series plays Rotterdam's leading pornstress Grice Stradler) and moves next door to recently relocated rappin' Reverend. Justin Lee Thingybob and some gas play the sidekicks Jakob and Karena. Hilarity far from ensues despite regular appearances by journeyman workhorse Jari Litmanen wearing an assortment of giant hats.

Comedy-come-expose of life on the road with Ryan Adams (played by ex-Slimfast UK hotshot Barry Bethel). Narration by the Manchester Utd winger Ryan Giggs, Bryan Adams, some rye, the biblical character Adam, housewife Anne Skiggs, a Cornish 6-man rowing boat, some ants, an igloo and the first ever female winner of UK Gladiators, Jean Clenk.

Frank Thornton and John Inman are reunited in this one-off special set in a department store during the French Revolution. "I'm free! (And equal and brotherly)".

Howsabout That Then? (NHS, 1981)

Larks aplenty as the staff and patients of Stoke Mandeville Hospital woefully misinterpret a weekly challenge set for them by Sir James Savile (Tony Osoba), resulting, ultimately, in a number of free beds.

Justin Lee Collins, Rhys Thomas, and whoever the fuck else try to work out whether a celebrity guest or a monkey could beat up an otter the quickest. This week: Humphrey Lyttleton.

Zoe Ball and a leading London media conglomerate attempt to buy out all the UK branches of Toys R Us and convert them into more upmarket versions of habitat.

Gratingly mawkish pap detailing Billy Crystal, Jon Lovitz, Daniel Stern and William S. Burroughs' travels through South America, arguing constantly about wether to attempt to find a stash of gold nuggets left behind by recently deceased Jack Palance or wether to look for a fabled vine said to contain telepathic properties.

Three sexy young witches (Parminder Nagra, Michelle Trachtenberg and Kelly Osbourne) spend the summer practising magic while driving around Massachusetts in their open-top Caddy, flirting, experiencing prejudice, and stirring up trouble wherever they go! Life lessons are learnt with local covens along the way.

Fats Domino plays a obese cryptozoologist with a speech impediment on a trip to find the Yeti.

An incredibly distasteful series of animated shorts wherein Ringo Starr and Paul MacCartneys sperm discuss the futility of life inside Brian Epsteins rectum.

A bewildered time-travelling Rhett Butler tries to adjust to life in the late 70's New York post-punk scene.

Perenially bored ex-tennis pro Slobodan Zivojinovic returns to his first love of animal cruelty as he ceaselessly forces pheasants and geese into badger holes he's filled with kerosene. (3/6): RSCPA officer Ion Tiriac becomes increasingly suspicious of Bobo's impromptu barbecues.

A shockingly malnourised streetwise young hood, played by Coolio, finds a way of converting mashed potato to crack cocaine, earning himself billions of dollars in the process. Unfortunately as time goes on the crack disintegrates into rusted iron, leaving him bankrupt.

Each week a Mr Dastoor of Glasgow takes legal action against whoever makes the Excelsior thread on ILE within that same 7 day period.

As above but with none of the subpoenas ever actually coming to court.

Pointless guffawery wherein Tom Paulin attempts to win the heart of a talking clock by accepting it's bargain to make Chow Yun Fat's wife use Waynes World quotes in everyday conversation in exhange for a dirty weekend in the south of England.

Eastenders spin-off. Dr Legg is brought back to life (assuming he is actually dead) but quits the quackery to take a relaxing day job here chasing amublances (metaphorically you understand) which is a delicious irony if you think about it.

Ex-Miss UK Debbie Greenwood rides solid, dependable Chelsea defender William Gallas like a bucking bronco for 30 minutes each week whilst her quiz-show presenting husband Paul Coia looks on astonished.

Hidden camera show with Sonia Saul. Viewers observe the hilarious effects when various takeaways around Croydon have their food spiked with recreational stimulants.

Chris Tarrant presents this glamourous Saturday night hit wherein enigmatic Half Life villain "the G-man" and ILX's own pathetic scribbler Calum Waddell compare "O" faces, with the bearer of the least impressive one being pushed into a swimming pool in front of an audience of thoroughly hateable people.

Renaissance man and sonic arts luminary David Toop, together with a representative from the tinned food giants, discuss how beans really are the musical fruit over a warm receptacle of molten rock - the very sight of which causes a nearby factory labourer to develop a bizarre speech impediment when querying an anomaly on his next payslip.

Battered and broken, a severely injured man tries to draw a picture of his attacker from his hospital bed with incredibly shaky hands. Could it be a reincarnated zombie of a mid 90's road rage victim that assaulted him on that fateful night?

A despairing June Whitfield moans for fifteen pay-off-less episodes about Terry Scott's attempts to pass vermin through a sluice.

Ill-thought-out Eastenders spin-off where Ross Kemp attempts to manage a supermarket using a popular late 90's comic The Invisibles as his guide.

Shape-shifting millionaire Johnathon Chase (Simon MacCorkindale) leaves behind a life of fighting crime to become a surgeon, but quickly falls foul of the Board of Governors due to his habit of transforming into either a hawk or a panther during life-or-death operations.

Comedy about a minicab firm in Gretna.

Reality show... WITH A DIFFERENCE! The Dirty Sanchez "gang" attempt to learn how to become professional HGV drivers with a month. Week 1: raping a hitch-hiker and dumping her corpse somewhere off the A51(A).

Set in the Birmingham branch of Ikea, self-proclaimed hip young style guru Vanessa Valium (Susannah Constantine) battles it out to be the first to get the GNURDSTRØMMERWEK sofa at the special promotional price of only £49. This week she savagely rips the arms off an old age pensioner (Joan Collins) and uses them to beat off the rest of the hysterical crowd of shoppers. Guest appearances by Valerie Singleton and Luciano Pavarotti.

Suprisingly well-realised spin-off series concerning the antics of the angry young policeman from the movie Withnail and I.

Curb Your Enthusiasm style quasi-fictional docu-sitcom about Gunter Parche, the guy who stabbed Monica Seles.

For buddies Andy Ponce and Noble Prinze, a brutal assault is never consummated until the victim cries out -- without prompting -- the key phrase, "This isn't happening!"

Gordon Brown and Ali G live in a house together (if Gordon isn't available, try Derren or Jackie).

Satirial current affairs show starring Chris Morris in womens underwear.

Former Sunday Show presenter Donna MacPhail becomes a member of the Irish parliament. With hilarious results.

Things were looking up when Polish immigrant, Vakov Ucunt, found employment pulling sprouts out of the frozen earth for seventeen hours a day, but things began to get hilariously awry when locals began pushing burning newspapers through his letterbox, claiming he was stealing British people's jobs etc.
Ep. 5: Vakov agrees to take part on a mid-morning BBC TV discussion programme concerning immigration entitled 'It's Not Racist To Say "Wogs Out"', but when he discovers the host is a leathery-skinned bigot, hilarity ensues or something.

Opportunistically topical rom-com wherein two Man Utd fans are brought together by their hatred of nefarious ginger haired Mekon-a-like Malcolm Glazer

Antics ensue on a rapidly sinking garbage scow helmed by near-comatose Elizabeth Taylor; strung-out, burbling Liza Minnelli; and angry but equally bouyant, Camryn Manheim, your cruise director. Cameo by Rosie O'Donnell as an oil derrick

The autobiography of Steve Lamacq is turned into a hilarious new sitcom by the team behind 'Early Doors', with Phil Tufnell as Lamacq, Sarah Jessica Parker as Jo Whiley, Pete Postlethwaite as John Peel, Lucas and Walliams as Collins & Maconie, and Jon Culshaw hilariously playing both the Gallaghers. Episode 4: Steve goes down the Good Mixer with Gallon Drunk (Punt & Dennis), where he first catches sight of Elastica (Jane Bussman, Donna McPhail, Sally Phillips, Alistair McGowan) and thinks they're quite good. He then goes home and listens to Carter USM for a bit.

With his 90 year old father wired up to a life support machine and gulping his last few breaths of air through his rancid spittle crusted mouth, cheeky octogenarian and knight of the realm Sir Cliff Richard recounts the story of his youthful joyriding spree. In flashback the young Cliff played by Stuart Murdoch of Belle and Sebastian fame indulges in reckless driving and jives with chicks at milk bars and other larks. Having cleared his concise and seen his father into the hereafter Cliff loads up on prescription meds and drives his car into a brick wall at 90 miles an hour, instantly snapping his neck like a twiglet. Based on a short story by Albert Camus adapted for TV by Russel T Davies.

Having punctured his bicycle on a desolate hillside miserable Mancunian youth Stephen Patrick Morrissey would go out tonight but hasn't got a stitch to wear, he tries living in the real world instead of a shell but is bored before he even begins. Later he goes to a club and stand on his own. On his way home he see's a couple arm in arm pass him by. Next week he goes looking for a job and finds a job. Guest apperance from Billie Whitelaw as Myra Hindley adapted for TV by Russel T Davies.

Woody Harrelson returns to the bar in this wacky new sitcom! While on a trip in Southeast Asia, aging backpacker Mike Spritzer (Harrelson) loses his wallet and passport in a Cambodian taxi. With no money for hotels or transportation, Spritzer does the only thing he knows well...serve up drinks! With special guest appearances by international musical stars like Keo Sreyneang and political figures like Khun Sa, slapstick is sure to ensue.

A disembodied group of dienfranchised rock critics bitch about pitchfork in an all white expanse of digital nothingness whilst a deranged Nowregian regales them with crack pot musical theories and Crowded House annecdotes. This week hilarity ensues when after much anticipation the crew end up flipping out over some record or another. Adapted for TV by Russel T Davies.

A suburban couple turn to cannibalism. To the dismay of the neighbours!

A curious but lovable quasi-Masonic cult group congregates in a pub every Thursday and exchanges bizarre occult codes before causing mayhem with their madcap hivemind-defying antics. Starring Ricky Gervais as Tom, the benevolent if enigmatic cult leader. Also featuring his wacky funnymen chums Gareth (Martin Freeman), Martin (Mike Reid), Mark S (Anthony Stewart Head) and Suzy (Sandra Dickinson).

James Dreyfus, Graham Norton, blah blah blah.

Whaiddaminnit. Is the video anything like this?

Incredible Paul Auster spin off series starring Austers fictional silent movie star Hector Mann (Tiger Woods) as the unhearing merchant captain of a nineteenth century clipper ship on its final, doomed voyage.

Completely ill-advised slap-com featuring an obviously lobotomised quadragenarian making a fool of himself. This week, Mr Stupid goes to the farm not before weeing all over his trousers. Hilarity ensues when Mr Stupid manages to superglue his head up a cow's bottom.
Laugh track by Can-U-Laff.

Here the dull-voiced Burroughs impersonator demonstrates the celebrated 'cut up' technique on the week's news and current affairs -- with disturbing consequences.

Explosive pomo hilarity ensues when long-suffering June Slothrop's husband gets frisky! This week: The neighbours are devastated - literally after Tyrone's accidental purchase of an Imipolex G insulated toaster and everyone

Full cast list on pages 25-26

Unsettled Brazilian midfielder in a directionless sitcom pilot with hints of Seinfeld. "No hugs, no learning, no foul throws."

Tiswasn't (Trent-Tigris, 1998)

Mockumentary following Chris Tarrant as he systematically erases evidence of his past in Saturday morning kids' TV. (2/6): CT spends three evenings phoning the Gwyn Hall in Neath making bomb threats in an increasingly unconvincing Belfast accent, leading to the postponement and eventual cancellation of one-woman show Sally James Remembers.

Jam Batty Mine (PierHead, 1971)

Confusing but cheerily racist three-parter in which pit-owner Ken Dodd (Ken Stott) struggles to kept control of his Diddy Men workforce after the arrival of a flamboyant-but-self-loathing Jamaican homosexual (Alastair Sim).

Angular blandishment set in an outmoded graphics card. This week - Neil and Barry try but fail to process the large texture files of a new real time strategy game.

The beginning of a deluge of Post-Sith Star Wars TV series' detailing the exploits of four friends living in an expensive New York loft conversion.

Family-orientated belmfest based on the video to the REM song. This week Peter starts to become concerned as Michael enters his sixth year of dancing like a grasshopper whilst Mike stares slightly to the left of the camera thinking about chips.

Overtly confrontational expose of the slapheaded techno artiste.

Roy Barraclough stars as the titular Catholic apologist, struggling to finance a new edition of Paths To Rome after he moves in with his uncle or something in somewhere dead posh in America. Or whatever.

A detailed 6 part series of interviews with token ring frames from famous token ring networks around the globe, this week the Guildford Borough Council network token ring frame talks candidly about MAUs and the various phases of the Token Ring Insertion Process. Presented by Jeremy Irons.

Light-hearted Sunday teatime fare, with James Cromwell as Horace McGonagall, a Highland sheep-farmer who lives a peaceful life - or he would, were he not being continually interrupted by a barrage of abusive text messages from Morag McGlasheen, the girl he was engaged to marry forty years ago (played by Stephanie Cole). This week: Horace's livestock auctions are going swimmingly until Morag decides to ask him for advice on how to seduce the council surveyors who are inspecting her outhouse.

It's Mars or bust for one of Britain's ugliest MPs as John Selwyn Gummer straps himself to a rocket with two members of Die Toten Hosen whilst clutching a basket of the country's best beefburgers which he aims to feed to whatever lifeforms he encounters on the red planet. This week, the ghost of Bill Grundy appears to John in a dream insisting this show will never work unless he tumbles down Olympus Mons in a makeshift barrel launched by aforementioned Teutonic rockers.

Kay Adams and Nadia Sawahla fuck builders in a carpark.

ATV vehicle aimed at branching Herman's Hermits out into the light-entertainment market by having them perform specially adapted versions of the plays of Oscar Wilde. 4/6: A Woman Of No Milk Today.

Nelly and Tim McGraw run a fertility clinic.

Universally despised moonfaced cunt Jimmy Carr dresses in French-influenced fashions of the mid 60s and stabs a guy dressed in a leather jacket to death with a flick-knife. Music by the Spencer Davis Group.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus stars as a Jewish New York editor and single mother of two who relocates to Utah to marry the man of her dreams, only to discover that he has five other wives.

Inexplicable docu-comedy crossover. The downtrodden staff of a large consumer electronics store are relieved when their cantankerous human resources manager is moved on to another branch, only to discover that his replacement is the Witch King of Angmar.

Episode 3: The employees are left grinding their teeth as the Witch King of Angmar puts out a staff announcement on the tannoy consisting entirely of an ear-rending shriek, and then forgets to authorise Claire's holiday pay for the second month running.

Zany gameshow. The erstwhile Wire frontman is pumped full of rage-inducing drugs and despatched into a television studio armed with a crowbar under order to kill everybody he encounters named Paul. In a hilarious twist, the only such person in the entire building is hog-eyed dignityphobe Paul Ross, who is obliviously recording an obviously clueless talking-head comment about Jossy's Giants for a non-existent nostalgia show. Unsettlingly cathartic hilarity ensues.

Please, please can I pitch this??

pete tong's accountant explains that maybe he hasn't invested his money so wisely and now for the rest of the series pete has to live the life of a hobo, each day trying not to get knifed.

Set in 1960's France, those meddling revolutionaries in the French collective Situationists Internationale have wreaked havoc from Calais to Perpignan with their actions. Will they paper the walls of Toulouse this week? Will they publish books with sandpaper covers to ruin the books beside them on your shelf the next week? Will a movement be incited after that? Stay tuned for catchy slogan(eering). Special guest appearances by Rik Mayall, Jean Baudrillard, Serge Gainsbourg (with Jane Birkin and Brigitte Bardot in tow), a topless Catherine Deneuve, and Jean-Luc Godard as the boots of Luis Bunuel stomp on his face eternally. Blink-and-you'll-miss-it cameos are made by Bernardo Bertolucci, Jacques Derrida, Charles de Gaulle as he is chased across the Sorbonne, and the ghost of Buenaventura Durruti.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus stars as a Jewish New York editor and single mother of two who relocates to Utah to marry the man of her dreams, only to discover that he has five other wives.

-- Hurting (Hurtingchie...), May 13th, 2005.

Please, please can I pitch this??

-- Markelby (boyincorduro...), May 13th, 2005.

Apparently HBO beat us to it:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2004/08/05/entertainment/main634269.shtml

This was alright

Adventures In Minimal (2007 Zeppotron)
Episode 1: Dog Latin (James Lance) is an inquisitive message board poster with a hunger to learn about exciting new musical genres. Will he discover all he needs to know before a group of snarky zinging bullies (Nick Frost, Robbie Savage, Cam'Ron) mock his sitcom script too thoroughly?

"Too Many Cooks Spoil the Broth"
Set in the fictitious town of Broth in Scotland, the infamous Cook family run a crime syndicate

"Horsez for Koursez"
Set in Medieval Poland - two powerful warring noble families find themselves in a predicament - the King of Poland has arranged for the marriage (and therefore Union) of the families through the beautiful Katherine Horsez and the Koursez's eldest son, Gregory. This uneasy alliance takes us through all the trials and tribulations and provides a fascinating insight into medieval politics. Plenty of sex and violence

"Pop Goes The Weasel"
A three-parter about a widower's bid to win Leicester's infamous 'Weasel-Run'; a madcap race based around a cross between whack-a-mole and a school-day obstacle course. Helped along by his three children, will Pop win the race and come up trumps, or will he be out-foxed by his adversary Gary Stoat?

"Let Them Eat, Cake"
Catering documentary presented by disruptive host Donald Cake.

'Beyond the Pale.' An albino played by Telly Savalas suffers from a particularly terrible form of the condition. He gets whiter and whiter each episode and knows one day he'll simply get so white that he'll die. However, 'beyond' his condition lies an expert ability to hunt down serial killers on the tough (but unfortunately VERY sunny) streets of Los Angeles.

'Needle in a Haystack.'
A wrestler based loosely on Giant Haystacks is struck by lightning and becomes pregnant with a skinny wimpish guy that he can't actually give birth to. Needle basically lives inside Haystacks and acts as an unwanted internal monologue that constantly wants to cower away from opponents in the ring and generally ruin Haystack's beer guzzling, fighting, womanizing ways

No Holds Barred
The sequel to the above. Haystacks becomes so bad at wrestling because of needle that he starts being called 'No Holds' in the wrestling world. His local pub are so disappointed in him that they refuse to allow him entrance until he learns some new moves and gets his championship belt back.

"Katz and Doggz"
A Jewish lawyer (Katz) is sent by his company to work in the new Brooklyn office. He knows nothing about the rough streets and befriends a black tough-guy called Doggz who shows him the ropes. Together they solve crimes despite hilarious cultural misunderstandings.

"Chalk and Cheese"
Set in Napoleonic times on a ship.
Captain Walter Chalk and young Stuart Cheese are the only two surviving members of a Royal Navy shipwreck that leaves them in a strange and exotic island paradise - how will they fair? and is everything as it seems?

"Safety In Numbers"
'90s educational programme following the exploits of mathematics whiz-kid Corey Safety as he takes kids on a whirlwind tour of his super-dimensional spacenet teleporter.

"The Domino Effect"
Dominic Domino is an Italian American struggling to make ends meet in 1970s Brooklyn, until one day a hitherto unknown rich auntie dies and leaves him a fortune - the money changes everything for Dominic, (and everyone he meets) - for the worse - in spite of this he tries his best to rectify the damage he inadvertently causes every week

"Lauren and Hardeep"
Romantic sitcom from Powell-era 1960s. While generally agreed to have helped the cause for racial dialogue at the time, it has more recently come under fire for its destructive racial stereotyping. Later, our South Asian beau goes to sea, in the shortlived naval sitcom "Kiss Me Hardeep"

"Hook, Line and Sink"
Three quintessential English musketeers, Thomas Hook, Robert Line and William Sink campaign through 18th century Europe - gambling, drinking port and winning the affection of lots of ladies along the way. Of course get in-broiled in lots of adventures, including duels, rescuing maidens and palace politics

Off the Beaten Track
Christopher Track is a dangerous terrorist who has suffered numerous beatings from the police and has vowed to kill those who hurt him. Fearing for their lives the police recruit a known Mafia killer played by Jack Klugman (Quincy ME) and pay him a fortune to ''off'' Track.

Death and Taxis
A taxi driver has a near death experience and subsequently has to drive the Grim Reaper around for the rest of his career. With hilarious consequences of course.

Heard it on the Grapevine
A paranoid delusional Italian vineyard owner begins to hear voices when out picking grapes. They tell him of a forthcoming Apocalypse. Should the townspeople repent and build shelter or is he just another nutter?

Bite The Hand That Feeds You
A Vietnam War drama in which 7 guys are POWs. Each day they are thrown food from somebody but they can only see his hand. The three-parter concerns itself with morality, survival, and revenge. Should they bite their captor's hand or be grateful for the food.

Chew The Fat
A kung fu adventure set in China following the exploits of an overweight martial artist (Chew) played by Sammo Hung. Every time he gets in to a fight he suggests having a conversation instead to settle their differences.

Chalk and Cheese
Set in Napoleonic times on a ship. Captain Walter Chalk and young Stuart Cheese are the only two surviving members of a Royal Navy shipwreck that leaves them in a strange and exotic island paradise - how will they fair? and is everything as it seems

Burning the Candle at Both Ends
The story of an artisan wax worker in the North East and his passionate gay affairs both locally and in Canterbury where he is often called away on business

Talk the hind legs off a donkey
Risque riding school drama set in North Wales under the shadow of Snowdon

Popped his Clogs
Mini-series about a cobbler and an undertaker in Edinburgh in the late nineteenth century and their involvement in the cadaver industry for the medical schools

Sloppy Seconds
Alfie Seconds is a slob and a good-for-nothing layabout. Rarely getting up from his chair, luckily this show lasts only half a minute per episode.

All Mouth and Trousers
Harry Mouth and Peter Trousers present their hit light entertainment variety show.

United We Stand
It couldn't be going better for the Glossopshire United team. They are ahead of their game, winning matches and storming up the league tables... Until one day their after-match jam sandwiches are spiked with a debilitating joint-hardening poison which drastically limits their ability to bend legs or arms. Alan Gitsummer, the Glossopshire striker, is forced to shuffle and sway his way through the county's back-alleys, searching for the culprit in order to find the antidote that will get his team back up and running. Meanwhile, manager Robbie Badenochal develops an ingenious system of horizontal poles with which he can turn and spin his rapidly ossifying team to victory.