Pitch TV drama ideas that involve Dean Gaffney

Miracle Goodnight: Gaffney stars as a by-the-book cop, catapulted back to the early-mid 90s after being caught in a terrorist explosion blahdy blah Gene Hunt still alive but is wheeled around in an Iron Lung by that girl with the big teeth from Man Stroke Woman.

PLUS ONE: Dean Gaffney plays a Jack-The-Lad straight out of Belmarsh who blags his way into a job with a London-based PR firm specialising in promoting superclub DJs.

HAMLET: Dean Gaffney stars as Danish prince, paralysed by conscience following the murder of his father.

Tower Hamlet more like

CR7: Dean Gaffney stars as an over-emotional Portugese winger for a major Lancashire-based sporting team.

AKELA - Dean Gaffney stars in gentle comedy about a Cub Scout group in Dorset.

Gaffney's Gaffer Gaffs: Dean presents clip show of accidents around the exdecutive producer's home involving industrial adhesive tape (C) Lee & Herring 1999

COCK FARMER: Dean Gaffney stars as Dane Gaffrey, a streetwise Premiership star forced to retire through a sickening injury inflicted by Irish hardman Ray Zealous. Dane is persuaded by his Glamour Model girlfriend (played by that Birds of a Feather that wasn't Pauline Quirke) to take over his grandfather's run-down poultry farm in rural Hampshire. Bittersweet comedy ensues as city boy Dane learns to live with his inbred fuckwit neighbours.

DAYS OF WHINE AND ROSES: Dean Gaffney stars as an internet message board poster.

UP THE TOTTERIDGE AND ROUND THE WHETSTONE: Dean Gaffney stars as lovable rogue cockney minicab driver caught between love for his girlfriend (Denise Van Outen) and his overbearing mother (Miriam Margolyes).

Pitch at Gaffney: Reality show in which a stern-faced Dean Gaffney sits behind a big desk while various internet layabouts pitch ideas for TV shows starring the man himself. Winner gets a pilot at 2AM on BBC 3.

DEAN GAFFNEY IN A TUTU: Speaks for itself, really.

I'M A FREE MAN INNI?: Dean Gaffney stars as call centre worker who suddenly quits his job and is kidnapped to a quaint holiday village where he has to answer to The Gaffer (Bill Bailey). Watch out for hilarious comedy balloon Rover! (Ade Edmondson)

Dean Caught Stealing: Gaffney's loveable rogue is banged up and spends his days winding up yer man from Still Game's stick-in-the-mud warden

Gaffney's Up Mother Brown: explicit sitcom ft. a cameo from Paul Jewell

extreme makeover is already a tv show.

SKINS - Channel Four teen drama, Dean Gaffney co-stars as pervy psychology teacher, repository for wanking gags.

(Actually that one might happen)

PART-TIME ROZZER: Dean Gaffney plays a streetwise Bow Street Runner who receives a blow to the head whilst pursuing Dick Turpin and wakes up in 2008. Somehow he must piece together the events which led to his accident, before an 18th century doctor saws his head to see what would happen, like. Features i-Phones.

DINO: Dean Gaffney stars as lovable rogue entertainer Dean "Dino" Martin in this wry, warts and all three-part drama. Also featuring: Ross Kemp (Frank Sinatra), Nick Hancock (Sammy Davis Jr) and Martin Kemp (Sam Giacana).

CHOPPER-VETS: Dean Gaffney plays a no-nonsense Veterinary Surgeon during the first Gulf War, where his skills are pushed to the limit rescuing injured camels and shit.

D.G.: Gaffney plays a former message board admin who embarks on a epic quest to reclaim his ownership rights. Co-starring Martin Jol as his loveable sidekick 'Fet Neek'

COCK-BLOCK COP: Dean Gaffney plays a rogue homosexual copper who must prevent his partner from getting a shag, because there's a dirty bomb wired to his knackers.

THE VELVET GLOVE - Dean Gaffney stars as a bisexual assassin in Victorian London, script by Russell T Davies.

SKEGNESS: Dean Gaffney stars in new askew comedy series where a group of package tourists arrive in the well-known resort of Skegness, United Kingdom, Europe, without a script and pretend they're Larry David, or something.

SOLE MAN: Dean Gaffney plays a fishmonger in blackface

STREETS OF RAGE: Dean Gaffney stars as streetwise former Rage Against the Machine frontman Zack de la Rocha, who leads an underground rebel militia against a totalitarian US government in 2013. His plan to bring down the system mostly involves walking really slowly from left to right and punching dudes in the face. Cameo appearance from David Hasselhoff as Hilary Clinton.

TOY SOLDIERS: Inspiring biopic starring Dean Gaffney as a toymaker in Kandahar whose resolve and courage helps bring down the Taliban.

DUE WEST: Dean Gaffney stars as streetwise serial killer and handyman Fred West, whose life is turned upside down when a black Police Inspector moves in next door. Co-starring Alexa Chung.

THE LAUGHING GNOME: Dean Gaffney stars in exciting new Sixties fantasy series as twenties philosopher Ludwig Wittengstein who gets shot by a desperate gunman (Hugo Speer) and wakes up in Swinging Sixties London, England, World, where he has to work with idiosyncratic "bobby" (old slang for policeman) Sergeant Gene Hunt and understand why Alex Drake is now his uncle.

FUCKING SHAMBLES: Gaffney excels as incompetent T5 baggage handler Terry Milquetoast

DOCTOR WHO: Dean Gaffney as Davros.

TERMINAL FIVE: Dean Gaffney stars in exciting new docudrama comedy as hapless hopeless manager who has to revive stuck career of early noughties chart-topping boy band. Guest star Brian May appears as himself.

MY LOVELY WHORES: Dean Gaffney stars as a streetwise Tibetan lama whose life is turned upside-down when he inherits a string of high class prostitutes from his late grandfather. Featuring Girls Aloud.

VERNON KAY'S TWENTIETH CENTURY ATROCITIES MARATHON: Featuring a special appearance by Dean Gaffney as Pol Pot.

BI PLAINS DRIFTER: Dean Gaffney stars as a right-wing newspaper columnist who lives a double life, cruising Salisbury Plain late at night in search of gay sex. In a Sopwith Camel.

THE WOODENTOPS: Dean Gaffney stars in this revival of the fifties children's show where he shares a flat in exclusive Docklands, east London, Britain, with the lovable wooden characters and hilariously tries to avoid being sectioned by the cunning but evil caretaker (Nicholas Ball).

ZINGS OF LIFE: Dean Gaffney plays renegade Techno star Derrick May who nods off whilst remixing "Nude Photo" and wakes up in 2008. As he struggles to understand what the fuck Minimal is supposed to be, Derrick must piece together the events which led him to his coma, before Kevin Saunderson drops "Big Fun".

SYSTEMS THINKING: Dean Gaffney stars as hardbitten football manager struggling to stay in "Division One" and keep his job until he employs young thrusting whizzkid DJ Marty (Rupert Grist) to save the day with his brand new "Holistic" approach. Also featuring Mackenzie Crook as hardbitten team captain "Terry John."

CONGO HONGRO: Dean Gaffney stars as streetwise musicologist Geir "Geir" Hongro, who is posted to West Africa as a UN envoy to teach the natives the virtues of European tonal music. Will he able to make them stop with the amelodic rhythmic hurdy-gurdy, or will he succumb to the mysterious "Heart of Darkness" (James Brown)?

GET IT TOGETHER: Dean Gaffney hosts this revival of the Granada seventies kids' pop show. Featuring the Wombats, Jamelia and Gabriella Climi as well as Gaffney's own weekly interpretations of songs like "Golden Skans" and "Crosstown Traffic" accompanied by Petra Lorenzo and her Girls Now! Dancers.

GAFF TO THE FUTURE: After having a mysterious dream about a futuristic society where all disputes are solved in hi-octane death races, Dean Gaffney suffers a blow to the head outside Camden Sainsbury's and is killed instantly.

DEAN'S GAFFES: Sidesplitting new series where viewers send in their videos of the lovable EastEnders rogue in embarrassing yet hilarious situations, e.g. falling in pond, crashing into Xmas tree, &c. Harry Hill narrates.

THE ROQUEFORT FILES: Dean Gaffney stars as a streetwise, renegade restaurant critic who isn't afraid to bend the rules when it comes to reviewing overpriced meals. Co-starring Patsy Kensit as Michael Winner.

Gaffy Taffy: Polarity ensues when Man like Dean relocates to Cardiff to run a strip club. The guy who played Huw in Eastenders probably features at some point.

DEANS MEANS HEINZ - Dean Gaffney stars in biopic of Joe Meek protege Heinz. Ricky Gervais plays his mentor Joe Meek.

STEPTOE AND SON 2.0 - Gaffney plays Harold Steptoe, an ambitious internet auction site owner who is held back by father Albert Steptoe (Paul O'Grady) who still prefers to do business from a horse and cart.

STEPTOE AND SON 2.0 - Gaffney plays Harold Steptoe, an ambitious internet auction site owner who is held back by father Albert Steptoe (Paul O'Grady) who still prefers to do business from a horse and cart Geocities page.

DEAN GAFFNEY IS A. TWUNT: Dean Gaffney plays the role of Arthur Twunt, a man who is a complete and utter twunt, in this hilarious ITV sitcom.

A. TWUNT IS DEAN GAFFNEY: Out of work Shakespearean actor Arthur Twunt plays the role of Dean Gaffney, in this hilarious ITV fak-reality-TV-show-load-of-old-cobblers-thingy, based on a half-arsed idea some producer wrote down on the back of a beermat during a marathon speedball session. This series may be cancelled at very short notice.

FIVE STARS OR NONE: Dean Gaffney plays Alex Partridge-Dish, a lovable rogue music writer for a major newspaper, who continually tries to convince overlord editor Michael Hanna (Mick Hucknall) to let him write about music he likes.

Five News With Dean Gaffney: sod off Kerplunksky, this is the real ratings winner

LIVE TV NEWS: Revival of popular nineties news bulletin series featuring Dean Gaffney as the new News Bunny.

CRATERMASS: Dean Gaffney stars as a maverick nuclear physicist who wakes up in 1953 after nodding off during a 72 hour World of Warcraft marathon. With the help of his sexually promiscuous sidekick, Barbara Castle (Lucy Speed), he must piece together the events leading up to Roger Bannister's record-breaking sub-four minute mile, a feat which will have shattering consequences for the subsequent peace of Western Europe. Also starring UK Hip Hop star Blak Twang as a young Cliff Richard.

SNOWBOARDING ON CEMENT: Dean Gaffney comperes this exciting new reality TV show where 12 celebrities strive to slide despite all the odds. Celebrities will include: Rowland Rivron, Nick Owen, Ben out of Gomez, Jenny Frost, Rose Marie, Alannah Currie, Sal Solo, Roy Jay, tbc.

TONIGHT SPECIAL: "DOLE GAFFNEY"
Dean Gaffney shows how you can continue claiming benefits, even though you have obviously been paid a shit tonne of money very recently for various TV appearances. A completely factual ITV documentary and in no way a bunch of made up and exaggerated scare-mongering hearsay. Next week: watching BBC causes diarrhea.

...provisional title TONIGHT SPECIAL: "Brown Broadcasting Corporation?"

WE CAN'T AFFORD CILLA ANYMORE: Dean Gaffney hosts new series where items which would previously have merited at best five minutes on Surprise Surprise - bloke does dance routine to propose to his girlfriend/family learn crappy dance routine to song which got to #56 in the UK and no one remembers it but it was number one in America and it's an American copyright so tough shit - are stretched out to a gruelling 60 minutes and then decomissioned after one episode but at least they save revenue on all those awkward Equity fees.

I've been judging these over the past 24hrs and the winner of the GAFTA Award for Best Original Drama Starring Dean Gaffney goes to...

My Lovely Whores.

Dan, E, Bakers, Owen, Coles and Gaffney: Da Vinci Code author Dan Brown, Eels frontman E, Cheryl Baker, a nameless man who earns a living cooking up crack in his kitchen, Sid Owen, Britrap icon Andrew Cole, erstwhile ILX poet Jack Cole and of course Dean Gaffney face disaster in this TV movie when their plane crashes in the Highlands en route to a rugby sevens tournament. With almost 90 minutes to wait until a rescue team arrive, will the cookery tips of former Eggs N'Baker presenter Baker be adapted for the consumption of human flesh?

I was out of action while this thread took place, but I'll say now it's an all-time classic.

GOD: THE MOVIE - Dean Gaffney stars in this biopic of Robbie Fowler.

(Co-starring Paul Nicholls with a stupid perm as Steve McManaman and featuring a cameo appearance from the real Robbie Fowler as a pub landlord).

DEAN WHITE AND GOLD: Dean Gaffney and James Nesbitt are two young IRA volunteers who are both in love with the same woman in 1980s Belfast. Only a hunger strike will decide who gets the girl!

DEAN NOT HERD: Dean Gaffney plays a dumb farmer attempting to win 'One Man In His Dog' using only sign language.

I'VE DEAN THINKING ABOUT YOU: Dean Gaffney hosts a talent search to recreate 90s dance hits for the 00s. Judges include Calvin Harris/David Cameron.

GAFFA CAKES - cookery programme during which Dean Gaffney is filmed in soft focus, pouting a lot and occasionally dipping strawberries in chocolate and eating them in a seductive manner while making double-entendres.

OUR GAFF, OUR RULES - harrowing drama in which Dean Gaffney plays an undercover police officer who infiltrates the National Front in 1980s Haggerston.

GAFFNEY & CELESTE - that annoying blonde one gets ditched in favour of Our Deansy, duo subsequently conquer charts with timely (and indeed timeless) odes to doner kebabs and Well'Ard (or some tasty combination of the two)

STOP! OR MY MOM WILL SHOOT UP: Dean Gaffney plays a maverick traffic warden who hatches an audacious plot to rob 7 billion pounds in twenty pee pieces in order to pay for his mother (Hazel Irving)'s unfeasibly large smack habit

JEW SANS FRONTIERES: Dean Gaffney stars in a made-for-TV drama documentary as Dan Gaffenstein, a maverick Jewish nightclub bouncer in 1930s Dusseldorf who leads 240 fellow Jews in an audacious attempt to escape to Portugal whilst disguised as gigantic cartoon milkmaids. Featuring Chris Brown as Albert Speer.

WEARING MY RALGEX: Dean Gaffney stars as the coach of a Sunday league women's football team. As an illicit romance blossoms between two of the players, Gaffney's hardline Islamic beliefs are challenged. A three-way battle 'twixt love, religion and soccerball results.

3 UP, 215 DOWN - Prime time sitcom in which Keith (Dean Gaffney) and Aussie barmaid girlfriend Kerry (Libby out of Neighbours) take a room in the house of notorious serial killer Dr Harold Shipman (never seen onscreen). Hilarity ensues.

BUBBO: Dean Gaffney stars as Bubbo in this live action children's feature about a baboon who is driven from his jungle home and goes to the city. Features screeching.

SOMETHING IN THE WATER - Gaffney plays a seven-year old boy whose father has been enchanted by an evil magician into buying him a cursed cafetiere for his birthday.

ALPHA AND OMEGA - Dean Gaffney stars as Lord Custos.

SUSPENDED IN GAFFNEY: Dean Gaffney plays the role of a transvestite Kate Bush impersonator.

GAFFY DUCK: Dead Gaffney plays the role of a cartoon duck. Featuring Gene Simmons as Porky Pig.

DEAN GAFFNEY: Dean Gaffney plays the role of Mr. Gaffney, who is the Dean of the Faculty of Pointlessness & Fuckwittery at a minor university. To add an air of mystery to the character, the audience never finds out his first name. Features full frontal nudity.

DEAN GAFF"KNEE" HURTS HIMSELF REPEATEDLY: Factual programme. Every week Dean demonstrates a different way of causing a painful knee injury that requires hospitalisation.

DEAN, MARTIN, FRANK AND SAMMY: Dean Gaffney, Martin Clunes, Frank Skinner and Sam Allardyce revive the hits of the Ratpack at the new Manchester Supercasino. Hugh Grant appears as Peter Lawford, Frankie Dettori appears as 'Lucky' Luciano.

DEANO READS THE BEANO: Short film for C4. Dean Gaffney attempts to read "The Beano" comic while the camera shows a close-up of his confused face. With commentary by Boris Johnson.

DEAN GAFFNEY'S SPAM ATTACK!!!: Another stupid attempt by a TV channel to make a programme relevant to today's internet savvy public that just ends up using tired old memes that are at least six months old. Dean Gaffney acts out the subject headings of various celebrity spam e-mails.

NUTTY BOLT: Dean Gaffney takes the title role in wry, pognant docudrama about the life and times of Jamaica's lovable double record breaker. Watch out for Michelle Collins as Paula Radcliffe and Sir Ian McKellen as the ghost of Roy Castle.

DEAN GAFFNEY'S PENIS: Gaffney walks down the street while various comedy characters pop out of windows and doors and shout "PENIS!!!" at him. C4's replacement for The Kevin Bishop Show.

SOLE MAN: Dean Gaffney plays a fishmonger in blackface

-- Dom Passantino, Monday, March 31, 2008 12:40 PM (Monday, March 31, 2008 12:40 PM) Bookmark Link

Strangely enough when I read the thread title the first thing I thought was "Dean Gaffney plays a fishmonger" - he must have a face for fish.

I had him as a Granville-type fishmonger to Paul Shane's Arkwright in OPEN EEL HOURS.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF PAUL DANAN - THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND: Dean Gaffney stars as Paul Danan in this docudrama about one of the most influential and revered figures of the early 21st century. Gaffney sensitively portrays Danan from his early years, through his experiences on an island, up to his rousing political speech where he urged the people of Preston to "make some motherfucking noise" in defiance of New Labour.

TESTICLE THE NATION: Dean Gaffney attempts to teabag everyone in the UK, starting with Philip Schofield, and leaving Anne Robinson until last.

DANCE WIV ME: New BBC3 Strictly Come Dancing spinoff where Dean Gaffney stands in the street asking members of the public to join him in as many as three different, specially choreographed dance routines. He'll lose half his fee if he's left "on his Jack Jones" at the end of each episode!

BONG WAY ROUND: Dean Gaffney circumnavigates the globe out of his pock marked face.

GAFFNEY'S GAFF: Wry, irreverent chat show where the host gets to make funky soups for all his guests as well as asking them probing questions e.g. can you have a look for the 50p I dropped down the back of the sofa?

COOKS GAFFNEY CHALLENGE: Daily afternoon show where Antony Worrall-Thompson uses our lovable host as an economy sized stirrer to see what funky flavours he'll add to today's recipes.

THE GREAT GAFFNEY: Dean Gaffney hosts lavish parties in his huge mansion, while members of the public in a "video booth" located on Oxford Street speculate where he gets all his money from.

DEAN UBU: The lovable Cockney star stars in a new specially written sitcom about a man named Jimmy who moves into a flat which he shares with an Irishman obsessed with flatulence (Dara O'Briarariairaian) and the mysterious "Supreme Beauty" (Daniella Westbrook).

DEAN & DIDDY: "Mork & Mindy Begins", staring Dean Gaffney and P Diddy. Also featuring Boris Johnson as Arnold Wanker.

GAFFTER THE RAIN:

Dean Gaffney sits on a rain-soaked park bench mournfully contemplating the direction his life has gone in, while his erstwhile companion Stephen Fellows (Jack Davenport) mutters reassuring platitudes in his ear in a frail baritone.

btw i'm not dean gaffney

DEAN GAFFNEY'S ACNE FACTORY: Dean Gaffney takes viewers on a whirlwind tour of a spot-cream plant in Hackney.

GOODNIGHT SWEET PRINCE: Dean Gaffney stars as a John Everyman, a congenial family man who one day discovers that his garden shed is a portal back to 1941, where he falls in love with local publican Ray Stubbs (Nicholas Lyndhurst). Everyman makes a career out of bringing things back from the future and claiming them as his own inventions, but things turn sour when he brings back something that he wasn't expecting - AIDS.

ROOTSY: in this dramatic mini-series, Dean Gaffney stars as Kunty Kinte, the West African slave who brought the funk to the New World.

Thread got good again.

SEPARATING THE WHEAT FROM THE GAFF:

Thrilling gameshow in which teams of starving asylum seekers complete to efficiently harvest wheat grain from a field in Wiltshire in order to subsist over the coming winter, unaware that the field is aggressively patrolled by a nightmarish mechanical sentinel fashioned from body parts that were once Dean Gaffney.

DEAN NAILS 'EM: Documentary in which Dean Gaffney interviews women who lost family members or friends to David Copeland's notorious London nail-bombing spree in 1999, and tries to convince them to sleep with him.

YOU CAN'T SOAR LIKE AN EAGLE WHEN YOU WORK WITH TURNCOATS: Through a comical series of misunderstandings, lifelong Tory Dean Gaffney is made union rep at the uranium plant where he works. Watch out for a cameo from Tony Cascarino as a protestor at a CND sit-in.

DEAN VS DEAN: Former Eastenders colleagues Dean Gaffney and Letitia Dean bring one another to a sweaty climax while hotly debating the day's current events.

GUFFING WITH GAFFNEY: Hidden camera show. Dean has perpetual gas and is filmed by hidden cameras blowing off next to strangers in the supermarkets, in crowded streets, in libraries, etc..

IT'S THE PITS - Dean Gaffney plays a hard-bitten Lancashire miner who sets up an experimental theatre troupe in a 1980s colliery under threat of closure. Features a scene where Dean dresses as Margaret Thatcher penetrating a miner with a strap-on.

CANTEEN DEAN'S SCREEN SCREAM:

Dean Gaffney plays a paranoid schizophrenic school canteen employee with an irrational fear of televisions; each episode ends with an improbable chain of events that leads to Gaffney unexpectedly being confronted with a television and repeatedly, hysterically shrieking that it is the eye of hell.

MY DINNER WITH GAFFNEY: Wallace Shawn talks with noted raconteur Dean Gaffney, each week in a different one of Gaffney's favourite KFC restaurants around London.

DEAN'S DREAMS: Gaffney acts out his recent wet dreams. May involve mayonaise.

LIVEBLOG MY LUNCH - Dean Gaffney stars as a bored American office work who uses the internet to debate and describe his, frankly mundane, eating habits. This week Gaffney is strangely enthused by the prospect of a -at this stage imaginary- plate of "hoagies" and "chilli dogs".

PHONE THE GAFFA ON HIS MOBILE AND HE AGREES IT'S RIDICULOUS - Implausibly scheduled and disappointingly literal late-night phone-in show presumably commissioned by a minor digital channel for a one-off joke.

WILLIAM OF ORANGE: Dean Gaffney stars in the real life story of football hooligan 'Big' Willie Style, head of the notorious Barnet 'firm', who was notorious for his violent hatred of blacks, jews and catholics.

notorious

DEAN'S MEAN BEAN MACHINE: Gaffney stars as Dr. Robotnik in this live action dramatisation of the adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.

GAFF TO AMERICA:

Dean Gaffney stars in an ideologically and factually suspect Hassan Nasrallah biopic with a surprisingly small makeup budget.

GAFFNEB - Gaffney speculates for hours on the importance of Obama's latest photo call or some other trivial and almost instantly forgotten detail of the American Elections.

GAFF TRAFFICKING: BAFTA award-winning documentary in which Dean Gaffney goes undercover with a hidden camera, dresses as a 16 year old Albanian girl and is transferred all the way from Tirana to Soho. In this hard-hitting and often shocking footage, Gaffney opens the world's eyes to the true brutality of people trafficking. Gaffney spent a full year working on this documentary and only escaped when the armed gangsters guarding his room were bitten by his trusty German Shepherd.

GAFFA TAPE: Semi-autobiographical drama. Dean sues "everyone on the internet" in an effort to prevent people from viewing his sex tape. Which he put out there in the first place to get publicity.

ZACH GAFF: Dean lands the job of NME editor and manages to save the publication from being axed each week through dumb luck and no thanks to that pesky IPC Janitor (Marc Bannerman)

DEAN GAFFNEY AND ALEX JAMES WALK THROUGH THE ENGLISH COUNTRYSIDE WEARING TWEED AND TALKING ABOUT ELGAR AND HENRY PURCELL LIKE ANYONE GIVES A SHIT WHAT THEY THINK - Misguided attempt to promote English classical music to the youth market.

PATROCLUS: Dean Gaffney wrote and stars as Achilles in this moving depiction of the Greek Hero’s visit to the recently deceased body of his lover Patroclus. Based on a surviving fragment of Aeschylus’ lost tragedy The Myrmidons, Gaffney’s powerful one-man drama is a paean to regret, lost friendships and pederasty.

DEAN GAFFNEY'S GOLDEN OLDIE VIDEO SHOW: Lovable etc. acts out interpretative dance routines to chart hits of the past. First episode focuses on the career of Smokie.

NEVER MIND THE BUZZCOCKS - Features a round where Phil Jupitus and Bill Bailey struggle to pick out the real Dean Gaffney from a line-up of people who mostly look completely different.

DEAN'S CLUB POPTIMISM: The cunning sweep hosts a weekly music show featuring the best upfront pure pop sounds of today. Special guests: Athlete, Carter USM, Sean Maguire.

"Consonant please Dean"
"You fuckin what mate?"

WHO YOU CALLIN' A CONSONANT: Dean Gaffney stars in modern update of seventies adult literacy series On The Move.

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DEANS: Dean Gaffney follows in Michael Palin's footsteps as he attempts to go around the world in 80 days. Series is cancelled after he gets lost in a contraflow on the North circular.

IF I DID IT: Written by and starring Dean Gaffney, this show speculates on the hypothetical notion that Dean Gaffney murdered Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman, and features various dramatized scenarios of how this might have occurred were that notion true.

SHEIK GAFFER AND GOAL: Gaffney stars as a noble Middle Eastern businessman who takes over plucky Biddlesthorpe Town FC and leads them from Black & Decker East Midlands League Division 6 to the Premiership over the course of one bizarre season. But will the government catch wind of his dodgy dealings? Co-starring Mark Hughes as a cynical old pro who repeatedly tries, and fails, to sabotage matches.

DEAN'S JEANS: Gameshow. Contestants view a pair of Dean Gaffney's jeans, and must guess how long it has been since the jeans were last washed. Winner gets a dinner date with Dean Gaffney.

DEAN GAFFNEY'S WATERCOLOUR CHALLENGEZ: 3 members of the public enjoy a day out painting in the east end, with your affable host dean offering tips and ideas to improve techniques.

ROUGH GUIDE TO DEAN GAFFNEY: TV's Julia Bradbury explores the cheeky EastEnders rogue and offers timely advice for anyone wishing to spend time in him over the winter months.

GAFFNEY HUNT: Couples from all over the country comb their local car boot sales and jumble sales to try to find the cheapest price possible for the EastEnders star.

SAMARITAN DEAN: In which TV's rogueish bunny carpenter does a good deed every week, including helping old ladies across the road and only ever killing his own.

DEAN CUMS ON TITS: Moving drama starring Dean Gaffney and Sarah Lancashire as a loving couple whose marriage is torn apart when their baby is born with Down's Syndrome.

DEANS ARMY: World War 3 has broken out, and all that stands between blighty and the enemy is Dean and his rag-tag group of home guard volunteers.

DAPHNE & GAFFNEY: New C4 music and variety series featuring the bony EastEnders stalwart as a last minute replacement for Celeste.

DEAN GOES MARACAS: Dean Gaffney hosts this show in which a mixture of everyday and celebrity ilxors reminisce about maracas.jpg - what it meant then, what it means now, and how it changed the internet and the world around us.

DEAN EXPLAINS IT ALL: Join sassy teenager Dean Gaffney as explores love, life and everything else.

BEDDYBYES: Gaffney stars in this heartwarming drama as a nurse at a children's hospice in Plymouth.

oops pressed submit response prematurely

EVERYTHING EXPLAINED TO DEAN: A weekly wry irreverent panel show where the contestants line up to explain life, the universe and everything to wideboy man about town Dean "EastEnders" Gaffney, whereupon he blinks his eyes in rapid succession and stammers "What was all that about then? Eh? Eh?" before getting sued by Stuart Maconie for copyright infringement.

FANCY A PINT: TV's Dean Gaffney sits in a different pub every week and waits for members of the public to buy him drinks.

WOULD I LIE TO YOU? YES I WOULD, BECAUSE I'M DEAN GAFFNEY: Team captains Lee Mack and David Mitchell, along with their guest panelists and host Angus Deayton, rant and rave at a hapless Gaffney about his relationship infidelities.

BEDDYBYES: Gaffney stars in this heartwarming action-drama as a nurse at a children's hospice in Plymouth. When a mystery disease starts wiping out all the kids, he takes the decision to humanely kill them before their brains turn to mush. But this won't be so easy, with the SAS training-base next-door. Featuring Chow Yun-Fat as an officious health-inspector.

DEAN GAFFNEY CALLS FOR A PLATE, SHITS ON THE PLATE, AND EATS IT, EXCLAIMING "MMM, THAT'S MY RICH SUBSTANCE": William S Burroughs quoting sitcom.

THINK OF A NUMBER: Radical reimagining of the 70's Johnny Ball mathematics series. Dean Gaffney spends twenty minutes trying to think of a number.

WHEN LOUIS MET DEAN: Louis Theroux hangs around with Dean Gaffney for a few days. Gaffney remains completely oblivious to the fact that Theroux is ripping the piss out of him constantly.

GAFFNEY'S GADGETS: Dean TV's Gaffney with your weekly guide to all that's hot and new in technology. This week: Etch-A-Sketch: "Them bits of metal is confusin' me!"

FINAL DESTINATION 9/11: Reality show in which Dean Gaffney attempts to kill people who were fated to die in the September 11 terrorist attacks but somehow remained alive.

ok i just lost my shit

GAFFNEY'S SUPER POOPER CHALLENGZRX: TV's Bradley Walsh goes around London, England, with a mission to clear up all the shit on the streets within two hours. Featuring Tania Bryer as timekeeper.

WALKING BACK TO HAPPINESS: Dean Gaffney stars as a somnambulant Grimsby man convinced that he is well in there with a North Sea mermaid. Each week, the world-weary locals have to devise a new scheme to stop Dean from walking into the sea in pursuit of his imaginary paramour. However, is she really only a figment of Dean's imagination?

MORE THAN WORDS: Dean Gaffney in the tragic tale of a man who can only communicate via writing in the blood of people he has recently murdered. Features Tom Cruise in his first major role for ITV.

would watch walking back to happiness

DEAN OF AMERICAN ROCK CRITICS - Gaffney stars as Robert Christgau in this explosive dramatization of the 1986 Pazz and Jop list.

DEAN'S BACK PAGES: Celebrity psychologists leaf through Dean Gaffney's infamously large collection of Europorn and reveal for the first time exactly which pages are stuck together with crusting ejaculate and what theytell us about Dean.

I would put my money on German golden shower porn.

CELEBRITY DEAN GAFFNEY LOVE BOAT: A dozen stunning celebs are stranded on a slave galley drifting aimlessly around the pacific. Gaffney (initially gentle and sweet, but progressively more aggressive) appears as a huge projection on the sails trying to persuade them to have sex with each other. Each week the public votes for one celeb to 'walk the plank'.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLDMAN: Actor and director Gary Oldman is an open-minded guy who likes all types of music, apart from R&B, commercial dance ("especially that trance rubbish!!!"), garage, jazz, rap and country & western. Each week, a celebrity devotee explains why they think he should change his mind on a genre of their choice. The first episode sees Dean Gaffney arguing for the merits of "all-time legend" Gram Parsons, with a special acoustic medley of the great man's hits by Gabriela Cilmi and The Blockheads.

DEAN OF THE VALLEYS: A heart-wrenching period drama following the life of National Coal Board chairman Lord Robens of Woldingham (Dean Gaffney) in the aftermath of the Aberfan disaster. Torn between his bilious disdain of the poor and his guilt over the Aberfan deaths, Robens’ psyche undergoes a violent schism leaving two sides fighting for control – one a cynical, money-chasing industrialist, the other a futuristic space pirate battling aliens in the Ebulon system.

Results 1 - 10 of about 98 for "my lovely whores". (0.31 seconds)

None of these ideas are as stupid as remaking Minder with Shane Ritchie as Arthur Daley...

BI PLAINS DRIFTER: Dean Gaffney stars as a right-wing newspaper columnist who lives a double life, cruising Salisbury Plain late at night in search of gay sex. In a Sopwith Camel.

― Noodle Vague, Monday, 31 March 2008 13:02 (2 years ago)

funniest post

http://twitter.com/#!/Joey7Barton/status/133930311988944900

which cultural untouchable is next for a takedown, a nation wonders

Pointless revive.

KILLER KOALA: Dean Gaffney must save Walford from a giant mutant koala rampaging through East London.

https://scontent.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xft1/v/t1.0-9/s720x720/11947632_10153660618058249_3950464242360846572_n.jpg?oh=af5f54bbc0c48b20dec170c4828382f2&oe=56A99884

Because it bit Ian Beale?

DON'T LOOK BACK IN ANGERS: Set in a beautifully recreated Plantagent Anjou, Roland (Dean Gaffney) is a quadriplegic from a wealthy noble family who meets and trades places with Renard (Dean Gaffney), a peasant lookalike. In tonight's penultimate episode, the time has come to switch back, but Renard has other ideas. [Subtitles]

GAFFNEY KILLS DOGS - TV's Dean Gaffney visits animal hospitals to give some lucky pups with terminal illnesses a memorable last few hours before personally administering mercy. This week's epsiode: The Wrong Beagle

IT'S GOT TO BE PURFLEET - Dean Gaffney plays Sok, a Kampuchean carpenter hellbent on avenging the brutal slaughter of his family by the Khmer Rouge. When a poorly-planned assassination attempt goes awry, Sok is left for dead but found and nursed to health by mysterious and beautiful furniture restorer Kayleigh. Suddenly Sok is torn between his thirst for vengeance and a chance to escape the red shadow and lovingly craft a new life.

EL SEQ - A grateful Dean Gaffney is offered the job of presenting a reality TV show based on tourists' shenanigans in Marbella, but is actually taken to the village of Seq in Siyahu Rural District, Iran. How long will it take him to realise that he is not on the Costa del Sol, and how will the locals react to Dean's efforts to introduce them to Jägerbomb Strip Poker?

bless this day

DEAN'S LIST: TV's Dean Gaffney invites us to peruse the 35 years' worth of spreadsheets he has maintained featuring female contestants on TV quiz shows and his complex 14 category rating system for evaluating whether they would get it. Episode 9: Blockbusters, featuring an appearance by DCI Clive Jenkins as himself

TOURVILLE AND DEAN: Travelogue-style examination of the life of Anne-Hilarion de Tourville. Dean Gaffney travels to significant locations from the admiral’s life to learn more about both Tourville and Bourbon France. In tonight’s concluding episode, Gaffney finally reaches Versailles, where he seeks to discover why the comte had a girl’s name.

I wish I was a commissioning editor

a+, would forget to watch but would enjoy gifs from on twitter and then forget to watch again before it falls off iplayer

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD DEAN: Weekly singles jukebox with Dean Gaffney and celebrity chums

STAN JAMES: Debut of an ambitious 6-part dual biopic contrasting the lives of British prime minister Stanley Baldwin and novelist/essayist James Baldwin. Stanley’s life is turned upside down when his former headmaster at Harrow is appointed Master of Trinity; meanwhile, Jimmy’s 19th birthday brings his father’s funeral, and violence in Harlem. Dean Gaffney (Eastenders, Bi Planes Drifter) flounders in both roles.

HOW DEAN WAS MY VALLEY: Dean reminisces about his time as a member of the B Mob Charlton Youth Casuals and talks to today's hooligans about how football has changed since the late 1990s, while they take the piss out of him.

that's a real show, surely

MUJAHID DEAN: Dean Gaffney stars as 15-year-old Salahuddin Rabbani, struggling to step out of his father’s shadow against the backdrop of the Soviet–Afghan War. Salahuddin realizes that the changing tenor of rhetoric from new general secretary Gorbachev means that an end may be in sight for the war, but also for his opportunity to bring glory upon himself and Allah. Episode 4: A cassingle of Midge Ure’s “If I Was” causes tension between Salahuddin and Faysal (Shaun Williamson).

NO DEAN BREXIT: Dean Gaffney speculates on how the UK's impending separation from the EU will impact the career of television's Dean Gaffney. Features inflammatory racist rhetoric.

GAFFNEY ORAM - Dean Gaffney presents this BBC4 series on the history of musique conrete in the UK, and grapples with a colossal modular synth.

HIDING BARRY - Dean Gaffney stars in this jaunty comedy in which an isolated Celtic community conspire to conceal a corpse.

DEAN'S HOUSE PARTY - Actually a party at Dean Gaffney's house. DJ Spoony guests.

GAFFY DUCK TAPE - Dean Gaffney stars as an incompetent theatre tech who keeps using gaffer tape where he should be using duct tape and vice-versa. Hilarious high-jinks ensue.

BLADE RUNNER: DEAN’S GAFF KNEE EDITION - director ridley scott returns for a final time to his 1982 science fiction masterpiece, harnessing cutting-edge digital technology to present his vision as originally intended: with the pivotal role of gaff, originally portrayed by pockmarked character actor edward james olmos, now inhabited by a smiley face rendered in sharpie marker on deaf gaffney’s left kneecap

And you still can't understand what he's saying when he meets Deckard at the noodle bar.

DEAN GAFFNEY'S POINTLESS - existential reflections, with co-host Richard Osman

THE GENTLEMEN: Hilarious mockney gangster drama starring Dean Gaffney as John the Bastard

I DREAM OF DEANNIE: Gaffney stars as the title character in this modern reworking of the 60s American fantasy sitcom. Co-starring Elon Musk as astronaut Tony Nelson.

DEAN'S UKULELES OF JUSTICE: Instead of getting your charges and sentence read out by the judge, Dean turns it a rockin' ditty and sings it to the defendant while playing their head like a washboard and twanging their ears etc...

Dean Gaffney is Dracula lol its ironic its good because its ironic

DGAFney: Dean Gaffney finds more things that he doesn't care about this week. Today: car parking charges, overdue library fees and the homeless.

nice

EASTENDERS: dean gaffney essays the role of lovable tearaway robbie jackson in the longrunning serialised BBC1 drama

GREEN SPAFFNEY: fly-on-the wall documentary following loveable tearaway dean gaffney as he visits a series of medical professionals in an increasingly desperate attempt to determine the cause of his bafflingly emerald-hued ejaculate

GAFF IT UP THE WALL: Dean Gaffney, the nation's most loved actor, attacks the opportunism of sexual abuse survivors.

Actor Dean Gaffney (C) poses with other actors to promote the pantomime "Aladdin" in Croydon, England. "Aladdin" will be showing over Christmas at the Fairfield Halls (2003) pic.twitter.com/YcoDAn2tlU

— Great British Getty Images (@shitbritishpics) December 1, 2023