"Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much but you're living in a world of make believe with fairies and leprechauns and dancing frogs wearing fancy little hats"

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haha

― rainy (rainy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 02:56 (twenty-three years ago)

your favourite Homer Simpson quotes here please

― rainy (rainy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 03:02 (twenty-three years ago)

i love homer but i am HOPELESS at remembering quotes from shows or books. so i will just have to say "everything that homer says"
HHHHHmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ( thats meant to indicate a marge noise )

― donna (donna), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 03:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Dr. Foster, joined by another doctor, sit behind a two-way mirror,
observing Homer's interaction with Ned. The sliding partition reveals
Homer to Ned. Homer emotionlessly says what is written in his speech
cards.

Homer: Ned Flanders, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others.

Ned: Well howdy, Homer! [partition slides up] Ooh, thanks for dropping by!

Foster: Hmm. He's not responding. [into microphone] Proceed to level 2 antagonism.

Homer: [slides down partition] Past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.

Ned: Oh, well, I'll just have to try harder. Heh heh. [partition slides up] Ooh! Thanks for dropping by!

Foster: Ah, he's still repressing. [into microphone] Maximum hostility factor.

Homer: [slide down partition] I engaged in intercourse with your spouse or significant other. Now that's psychiatry! Eh? Eh?

Jess reminded me of this exchange. It's great.

― Alex in SF (Alex in SF), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 03:35 (twenty-three years ago)

"Lisa, never stop in the middle of a hoedown!"

― rainy (rainy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 03:44 (twenty-three years ago)

"Saxamaphone... saxamaphone..."

― Nate Patrin, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 03:53 (twenty-three years ago)

"Donuts: Is there anything they can't do?"

― Jody Beth Rosen, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 03:57 (twenty-three years ago)

"Marge! With today's petrol prices, we can't afford NOT to get a pony!"

― rainy (rainy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:09 (twenty-three years ago)

jay sherman: "and you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil!"
homer: "it was a gummi bear."

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:10 (twenty-three years ago)

my favorite homer ever moment, however is when he answers the door to "so, you don't like the olde tyme bikes, eh?" and the guy kicks him in the face and wheels away.

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:11 (twenty-three years ago)

"Trying is the first step towards failure."

― Jody Beth Rosen, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:14 (twenty-three years ago)

"Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!"

― Nate Patrin, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:15 (twenty-three years ago)

"They have the internet on computers now?"

― Jody Beth Rosen, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:32 (twenty-three years ago)

"Ah, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos."

― Nate Patrin, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:41 (twenty-three years ago)

"Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?"
"No."
"Ham?"
"No."
"Pork chops?"
"Dad, those all come from the same animal!"
"Heh heh heh. Yeah right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal."

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 04:53 (twenty-three years ago)

http://southsidecallbox.com/images/homer.jpg

― Jody Beth Rosen, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 05:00 (twenty-three years ago)

Here in the boudoir, the gourmand metamorphosizes into the voluptuary!

― Leee (Leee), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 05:03 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer has sex?!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 05:06 (twenty-three years ago)

tracer, the wedding is off.

― boxcubed (boxcubed), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 06:07 (twenty-three years ago)

you fanta baby

― boxcubed (boxcubed), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 06:23 (twenty-three years ago)

"Oh fiddle dee dee! That will require a tetanus shot. I'm not going to swear, but i am going to KICK THIS DOGHOUSE DOWN!!!"

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 06:52 (twenty-three years ago)

"TV - Sister, Mother, Lover, Friend"

― H (Heruy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 06:58 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer, to retreating Santa's Little Helper who has gone off to make friends with George Bush: "You're barking up the wrong bush!"
Homer's Brain: "Homer, that's the funniest thing you're ever likely to say, and no-one was around to hear it!"
Homer: "DOH!!"

― katie (katie), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:05 (twenty-three years ago)

"That dog has a ham!"

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:13 (twenty-three years ago)

(When that guy on the news has won the lottery.)
Homer: "Money doesn't buy you everything you know."
Marge: "What doesn't it buy you?"
Homer: "Err..a dinosaur!"

― Livvie, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:24 (twenty-three years ago)

"First you didn't want a pony, now you want me to take the pony back. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, MARGE!"

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:25 (twenty-three years ago)

[quite likely badly paraphrased, nothing new there]

Homer: "b-b-but what about dessert?"

Marge: "You can pull the ring off your own can of pudding, Homer"

Marge leaves, Homer pulls pudding-can ring, it snaps off.

Homer: "Shows what you know, Marge!"

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:27 (twenty-three years ago)

"I'm just going out to...stalk...Lenny and Carl...DOH!"

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:28 (twenty-three years ago)

"Mmm, floor-pie!"

― Colin Meeder (Mert), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:34 (twenty-three years ago)

[Homer in jail]
Wiggam 'Simpson, you've got a visitor'
Marge 'Hi Homer'
Homer 'Just a second Marge, I've got a visitor coming'

― Fuzzy (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Livvie, thats one of the best !!!

― Fuzzy (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:47 (twenty-three years ago)

"I noticed / she was sitting on / her / sweet can / sweeeeeet can s-s-s-weeeeet caaaaan"

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 07:48 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer: "No beer and TV make Homer go something something"

Marge: "Go mad?"

Homer: "Don't mind if i do"

― mms (mms), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Trampopoline

― bondstyle, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:13 (twenty-three years ago)

Hmmm - sacrelicious.

― Pete (Pete), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:21 (twenty-three years ago)

mmmm...64 slices of american cheese... 64 (chomp) 63 (chomp) 62 (chomp)

i think i'm blind!

― dave k, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:26 (twenty-three years ago)

but marge, when kids today say "bad" they mean "good", and to shake one's booty means to wiggle one's butt. allow me to demonstrate

― dave k, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:28 (twenty-three years ago)

why don't bears pay the bear tax? i pay the homer tax!
dad, that's the homeOWNER tax

― dave k, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:33 (twenty-three years ago)

See Bart, a turkey is a bad person. Quit jiiiiiivin' me, turkey! You gotta sass it.

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:36 (twenty-three years ago)

(haha this is the thread-equivalent of FAP Auckland!)

― Ess Kay (esskay), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:39 (twenty-three years ago)

the hoedown quote is great because he's doing that awesome "thinking" dance while saying it!

― dave k, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:44 (twenty-three years ago)

(haha this is the thread-equivalent of FAP Auckland!)

Err except i've only done the 'fiddle dee dee!' line ONCE on this thread. arf.

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 08:55 (twenty-three years ago)

Mr Simpson, the tar fumes are making me dizzy
Yep they'll do that

― Fuzzy (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 09:21 (twenty-three years ago)

there's that one where bart has gone to the box factory and homer sees a red cap on a box and he's like
"they've turned my boy into a box! why god why!?"

― dave k, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 10:15 (twenty-three years ago)

From the show where Homer is going to have a bypass:

Homer: "Oh, don't worry kids! Good people don't die!"
Lisa: "What about Abraham Lincoln?"
Homer: "Er... he sold poisoned milk to schoolchildren."

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 11:40 (twenty-three years ago)

It takes two people to lie marge. One to lie an done to listen

― Sofa King Alternative (Sofa King Alternative), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 11:42 (twenty-three years ago)

mmmmm, open faced club sand wedge

― chris (chris), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 11:56 (twenty-three years ago)

homer to the ivory dealer: "here's the keys"
ivory dealer: "elephants dont have keys"
homer: "i'll just keep these then"

homer: "dont worry bart, we'll get you anothe elephant"
ivory dealer: "i'll take that one too"
homer: "done!"

plus

"hello, is that the whitehouse? i figured if anyone knew where to get some tang round here it'd be you.....shut up!"

and

"Lobo....Lobo...bring back SHeriff Lobo!"

and

"but maaaarge, we're college guys and we're up to no goooood"

and

"thats right money, your money's money is all that moneys"

and

"i believe freddy quimby should walk out of that court a freeee hotel"

and

bart: what are you going to do?
homer: something i should have done a long, long time ago...."
(seconds later)
marge: you dont know do you?
homer (meekly): no mam...

― blueski, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 12:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Bart: "Gee dad, sorry for being born."
Homer: "I've been waiting so long to hear that..."

― Graham (graham), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 12:12 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge[says to Homer]--"Remember your promise to the kids?"

Homer[pleased look on his face, says to the kids]--"Oh yes! when you're 18 you're out the door!"

― Fuzzy (Fuzzy), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 12:19 (twenty-three years ago)

purple is a fruit...

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 13:01 (twenty-three years ago)

apu shows homer one of those 'naked woman' pens:
homer: "you know who would love this?"
apu: "...?"
homer: "MEN!".

― michael wells (michael w.), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 13:05 (twenty-three years ago)

"Can you believe Flanders threw out a perfectly good toothbrush?"

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 14:13 (twenty-three years ago)

mmmm, pointy...

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 14:21 (twenty-three years ago)

also, out of interest, and not saying it's a bad thing or anything, but how many other "fave simpson quotes" threads have there been, i'm guessing quite a few.

now honey, i know you had your heart set on a limosine, but you'll just have to get the bus

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 14:27 (twenty-three years ago)

homer: "awww, 20 dollars...i wanted a peanut!"
homer's bran: "20 dollars can buy many peanuts!"
homer: "explain how!"
homer's brain: "money can be exchanged for goods and services."

― jess (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 14:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Jess, you have just caused me to embarrass myself severely in front of my co-workers.

― RickyT (RickyT), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 14:35 (twenty-three years ago)

Billy Corgan: Hi, I'm Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.

Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

― Madeleine (Madeleine), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 16:15 (twenty-three years ago)

just last night:

homer:this hardy boys mystery is great! it's about smugglers!

bart: "they're all about smugglers."

homer: "not this one. it's called, "the smugglers of pirate's cove". it's about pirates!"

― cameron, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 16:25 (twenty-three years ago)

Agent: [sighs in frustration] Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson,"
and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! [stomps on Homer's foot a few times]
Homer: [stares blankly]
[to other agent] I think he's talking to _you_.

straight from that wacky wacky site, snpp.com

― Leee (Leee), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 18:08 (twenty-three years ago)

When I was seventeen,
I drank some very good beer,
I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake ID;
My name was Brian Magee,
I sat up listening to Queen,
When I was seventeen...

― Mr Swygart (mrswygart), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 18:28 (twenty-three years ago)

Bart: Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.
Homer: Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids,
let's go home.
Bart: We are home.
Homer: That was fast.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 18:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Best quote ever:
Marge: Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?
Homer: Never, Marge! Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

― Nick A., Tuesday, 8 October 2002 19:06 (twenty-three years ago)

Bart: "My New Year's resolution is to give up smoking!"
Lisa: "But Dad, Bart never smoked in the first place, he didn't give up anything!"
Homer: "But didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 21:03 (twenty-three years ago)

"I call the big one Bitey."

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 21:49 (twenty-three years ago)

I can't believe i forgot "I'll only use this bed for eating, sleeping, and maybe building a little fort"!

― petra jane (petra jane), Tuesday, 8 October 2002 22:09 (twenty-three years ago)

On St. Patrick's Day, with a barrel of beer on his head, "Look at me, I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland".

― tom p, Wednesday, 9 October 2002 01:14 (twenty-three years ago)

Guy: Greetings, good men. Might I trouble you for a drink?
Moe: Oh, get out of here, Homer.
Guy: Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito.
[he gets beaten up and tossed out, unconscious]
Homer: [walks up, looks at Guy] [gasps] Oh my God! This man is my exact double. [gasps] Oh my God! That dog has a puffy tail! [he chases it, giggling] Here, Puff! Here, Puff!

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 01:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer: The last bar in Springfield...if they don't let me in here, I'm going to have to quit drinking!
Homer's liver: Yay!
Homer: Shut up, liver! [punches it] Ow! My liver hurts... [walks in] I'd like a beer, please.
Bartender: Uh, sorry, you gotta be a pilot to drink in here.
Homer: Um, but I _am_ a pilot.
Bartender: Where's your uniform?
Homer: Um...I stowed it safely in the overhead compartment.
Bartender: Well, you talk the talk. Here's a loaner. [gives him a uniform]

A man bursts in, breathless.

Man: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?
[pilots all go, "Oh, I'll go!", "Me", "I'm your man", etc.]
Man: Conditions are a little windy.
[pilots all go, "Well", "I dunno", "Never mind", etc.]
Man: [to Homer] You!
Homer: [now dressed as a pilot] But I --
Man: Hey...you're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?
Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.
Man: [laughs] You fly boys, you crack me up.
Homer: [being pushed into the cockpit] But I keep telling you I'm not a pilot!
Man: And I keep telling you you fly boys crack me up!

― Andrew (enneff), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 01:33 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer: Do you know what that fabulous man just did? He gave the Springfield Zoo two male pandas *and* got them to mate successfully!
Burns: And a stunt like that impresses people?
Homer: Oh yeah. And I'm not easily impressed. Wow! A blue car!

― Vinnie (vprabhu), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 14:38 (twenty-three years ago)

"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!"

― naked as sin (naked as sin), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 16:25 (twenty-three years ago)

After Bleeding Gums Murphy dies...
Homer (to Lisa): Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over? Remember that, honey? Well, what I'm saying is all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.

― Ernest P., Wednesday, 9 October 2002 18:03 (twenty-three years ago)

hey, naked-as-sin's quote isn't from homer!

― dave k, Wednesday, 9 October 2002 18:27 (twenty-three years ago)

That was just a statement on my part completely unrelated to the thread.

― naked as sin (naked as sin), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 18:31 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh and "If i could say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker!"

― naked as sin (naked as sin), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 18:36 (twenty-three years ago)

HOMER (attemptong to impersonate Mr. Burns):Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter waiting for me.
POSTOFFICE GUY: okay, Mr. Burns - what's your first name?
HOMER: I don't know.

― bnw (bnw), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 18:48 (twenty-three years ago)

"'Achy Breaky Heart' was seven years away; something had to fill the gap."

― naked as sin (naked as sin), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 18:55 (twenty-three years ago)

"I really like your It Pays To Increase Your Word Power. It's really...really....really good."

― petra jane (petra jane), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 19:34 (twenty-three years ago)

At the U2 concert.

Homer: Potato man!

Director: Where the hell have you been?!!

― Paul H, Thursday, 10 October 2002 14:41 (twenty-three years ago)

homer: there, there, shut up, boy. we'll just get you a new dog.
bart: i don't want a new dog, i want santa's little helper!

homer: well, CRYING isn't gonna bring him back, unless your tears smell like dog food. so you can either sit there crying and eating can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food to make your dog come back.. or you can go out there and find your dog!

bart: you're right! i'll do it.

homer: rats. almost had him eating dog food!

homer puts oversized novelty gloves on the nahasapeemapetilon's statue of shiva..

apu: oh, thank you. no more shiva-related pokings!

homer: yeah, well, down the line you might want to switch to a nice round buddha.

apu: but we’re hindu!

homer: so am i, but i don’t get all huffy about it!

homer: but marge! i'm a political prisoner!

marge: how are you a political prisoner?

homer: i kicked a giant mouse in the butt! do i have to draw a diagram?

― marek, Thursday, 10 October 2002 17:22 (twenty-three years ago)

"I have misplaced my pants."

― Chriddof (Chriddof), Thursday, 10 October 2002 18:48 (twenty-three years ago)

"Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughin’, did you?”

― luna.c (luna.c), Thursday, 10 October 2002 19:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge: Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer: Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.
_____________________________________________________________________

“I want to share something with you – the three little sentences that will get you through life. Number one, “Cover for me.” Number two, “Oh, good idea, boss.” Number three, “It was like that when I got here.”
_____________________________________________________________________

“I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.”
___________________________________________________________________

Art lady: "It's called 'outsider art.' It could be done by a mental patient, a hillbilly . . . or a chimpanzee."
Homer: "Hey! In high school, I was voted most likely to BE a mental patient, a hillbilly, or a chimpanzee!"

― luna.c (luna.c), Thursday, 10 October 2002 19:46 (twenty-three years ago)

don't you hate trousers?

― robin (robin), Friday, 11 October 2002 00:31 (twenty-three years ago)

homer: (holding lisa's suitcase) somebody's traveling light
lisa: maybe you're getting stronger
homer: well, i have been eating more

also

why do i need to be careful? i have a gun now

― jack, Friday, 11 October 2002 00:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Friday, 11 October 2002 00:49 (twenty-three years ago)

"MMMM Caramel Boloney"

― Chris V. (Chris V), Friday, 11 October 2002 12:31 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge:"I'm worried about Bart, I'd talk to him but I don't want to smother him"

Homer:"Yeah then we'd get the chair"

Marge:"That's not what I meant"

Homer:"It is Marge, admit it".

Same episode:
Homer:"Sunrise, Sunset, and the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon, yes we have no bananas"
Marge:"Aw our little guy is growing up"
Homer:"Didn't you hear Marge, WE HAVE NO BANANAS"

― Ronan (Ronan), Friday, 11 October 2002 12:34 (twenty-three years ago)

moe on tv game show "Me Wantee!": Homer, I have a nuclear-type question.

homer on phone: well, it all starts when the nulecule comes out of its nest...

― boxcubed (boxcubed), Saturday, 12 October 2002 05:07 (twenty-three years ago)

"Bad bees! Get away from my sugar! OW! OW!! Oh, they're defending themselves somehow!"

― gabriel (gabe), Saturday, 12 October 2002 06:05 (twenty-three years ago)

"Okay pie, I'm just going to do this...

http://nf.wh3rd.net/files/get_eaten.gif

...and if you get eaten, well, it's your own fault."

― Andrew (enneff), Saturday, 12 October 2002 07:34 (twenty-three years ago)

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!

― chaki (chaki), Saturday, 12 October 2002 09:36 (twenty-three years ago)

"Oh no, my pudding is trapped forever!"

― alex (alex), Saturday, 12 October 2002 09:57 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm going to my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for tennn minutes!

― Mr Swygart (mrswygart), Saturday, 12 October 2002 13:04 (twenty-three years ago)

"IMPEACH CHURCHILL!!!!"

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Saturday, 12 October 2002 14:49 (twenty-three years ago)

Kwik-E-Mart Master: Approach, my sons. You may ask me three questions.
Apu: That's great, because all I need is one-
Homer: Are you REALLY the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?
Master: Yes.
Homer: Really?
Master: Yes.
Homer: You?
Master: Yes. I hope this has been enlightening for you.
Apu: But I must-
Master: Thank you, come again.
Apu: But-
Master: Thank you, come again.
Homer: Well, THAT was a big bust...Is he REALLY the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Saturday, 12 October 2002 21:55 (twenty-three years ago)

Lisa: I washed the dog today
Homer: Was it the dog from the Beethoven movies?
Lisa: Of course not.
Homer: Aww... our dog isn't famous, and you kids aren't exactly John and Joan Cusack.

― Dom Passantino (Dom Passantino), Monday, 14 October 2002 00:29 (twenty-three years ago)

When pointing to a family picture of bart holding up a speech bubble. he says " I don't remember saying that!"

― A Nairn (moretap), Monday, 14 October 2002 04:04 (twenty-three years ago)

they're going to a high school reunion or something & Homer is remniscing about "the old gang - Potsy, Ralph Malph, the Fonz..." & Marge goes "Homer! that was Happy Days!" & he goes "well Marge it wasn't all happy days..."

― unknown or illegal user (doorag), Monday, 14 October 2002 04:19 (twenty-three years ago)

homer has just learned that selma and troy maclure's wedding will be a sham...

Reverend Lovejoy: And do you, Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Bouvier, take the fabulous
Troy McClure to be your lawful wedded husband?
Selma: I already told you, yes.
Reverend Lovejoy: If anyone here knows why this couple should not be wed in holy
matrimony, let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

zoom in on Homer's head

Brain: click here (real media file)

― minna (minna), Monday, 14 October 2002 04:47 (twenty-three years ago)

(Homer blows up the church with a rocket after it's gerbil pilot ejects. Marge comes out of the house and sees the church on fire.)

Marge: Homer! That's the worst thing you've ever done!
Homer: Marge, you say that so many times it's lost *all* meaning.

― lol p xx, Monday, 14 October 2002 07:39 (twenty-three years ago)

"stoopid poetic justice"

― cameron, Monday, 14 October 2002 09:03 (twenty-three years ago)

"I'm going to the car with my wife, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES!"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 14 October 2002 09:52 (twenty-three years ago)

"I'm going to my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for tennn minutes!
-- Mr Swygart ([email protected]), October 12th, 2002."

D'oh!

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:02 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge: It's the church picnic today.

Homer: We had a church picnic last week.

Marge: No we didn't. You brought a bucket of chicken to church!

Homer: Well, if the Lord hadn't meant us to eat in church, he would've made gluttony a sin!

― MarkH (MarkH), Monday, 14 October 2002 10:09 (twenty-three years ago)

marge: but i fell in love with homer simspon! i don't want to snuggle with max power!

homer: nobody snuggles with max power. strap yourself in and
feel the g's!

marge: oh, lord.

homer: and it doesn't stop in the bedroom. oh, no. i'm taking charge! kids, there's three ways to do things, the right way, the wrong way, and the max power way!

bart: isn't that the wrong way?

homer: yeah, but faster!

― jack, Saturday, 26 October 2002 17:45 (twenty-three years ago)

Mmmm, free goo.

― DavidM (DavidM), Saturday, 26 October 2002 18:40 (twenty-three years ago)

I forget what precedes this, but...

...It carries a terrible curse.

That's bad.

But it comes with a free frogurt.

That's good!

But the frogurt is also cursed.

That's bad.

But you get your choice of topping.

That's good!

The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

...

That's bad.

― Prude, Saturday, 26 October 2002 18:43 (twenty-three years ago)

That's the cursed Krusty doll in one of the Halloween shows.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Sunday, 27 October 2002 10:57 (twenty-three years ago)

"dig dig, chop chop"

"homer there's so much more that two wives could do for you"

"i can hear digging marge but i don't hear chopping!"

― minna (minna), Sunday, 27 October 2002 11:05 (twenty-three years ago)

four weeks pass...

"I'm just going out to commit certain deeds."

"Stealing, stealing, stealing a car for Moe! Dum de dum de dum de dah, Insurance fraud to-day!"

"Tell my wife my last thoughts were of her... blinding and torturing Abe Simpson."

"Did you get Waiting To Exhale?"
"Well, they put me on the Waiting To Exhale waiting list but they said don't hold your breath."

― Al Ewing, Tuesday, 26 November 2002 00:30 (twenty-three years ago)

"I am so smart! S-M-R-T!"

"My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R!
My balone has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R!"

Homer (to brain): "Uh, oh. It's time you told Marge your secret."
Homer : "Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom."
Marge : "Oh, my gosh!"
Brain : "No, the other secret."
Homer : "Marge, I never passed high school."
Marge : "That still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does."

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 00:41 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh, also:
"Maybe it's the beer talking, Marge. But, you got a butt that won't quit. They got these big chewy pretzels here that *something* *something* *something* five dollars? Get out of here."

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 00:51 (twenty-three years ago)

"Wow, baloney!" (pause, gasp) "BREAD!" -Barney, marvelling at Moe's Super Bowl buffet

― Nate Patrin (Nate Patrin), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 01:35 (twenty-three years ago)

i am evil ho-mer, i am eveil ho-mer, i am evil ho-mer, i am eveil ho-mer...

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 01:43 (twenty-three years ago)

i am evil ho-mer, i am eveil ho-mer, i am evil ho-mer, i am eveil ho-mer...
You don't win friends with SA-LAD! You don't win friends with SA-LAD!

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 02:09 (twenty-three years ago)

"Mmmmmmm, unexplained bacon..."

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 04:14 (twenty-three years ago)

"Mmmmmmmm, soylent green..."

― Chris Barrus (xibalba), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 04:41 (twenty-three years ago)

"Lisa, in this hjouse we obey the laws of thermodynamics"

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 12:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Spectator: "Use the open face club, the sand wedge, your open face club."

Homer: "Mmmmm... open face club sandwich."

― dwh (dwh), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 12:24 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge: "Are you going out to stalk Lenny & Carl?"

Homer: "Of course not Marge! I'm just going out to... stalk... Lenny... &... Carl... D'oh!"

― robster (robster), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 12:46 (twenty-three years ago)

"In a way, you're both winners! (pause) But in another, more accurate way, Barney is the winner."

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 26 November 2002 19:05 (twenty-three years ago)

"It's got purple in it... Purple's a fruit."

― dog latin (dog latin), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

he lied to us through song...i hate when people do that!

― stevem (blueski), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 01:10 (twenty-three years ago)

{While staying on an Amish farm} "Do'h'eth!!!"

― B, Wednesday, 27 November 2002 03:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"Listen...jerk. We may never find you, and we should all probably stop trying. But one thing is for certain: you do exist."

― mike a (mike a), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 03:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Mmmmmmmmmmm.....Forbidden doughnut...[drooling loudly]

― B, Wednesday, 27 November 2002 03:48 (twenty-three years ago)

"Mmmmmmmmmmm...cherry picker..."

"Houston, we have a problem. A *sexy* problem!"

"I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change, and then quickly change back."

― sgs, Wednesday, 27 November 2002 05:48 (twenty-three years ago)

"I'm a rage-aholic! I'm addicted to rageahol!"

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Wednesday, 27 November 2002 05:58 (twenty-three years ago)

"You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony! I will say good day to you, sir!"

― Leee (Leee), Thursday, 28 November 2002 02:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"You see son, a woman is a lot like a...um, refrigerator; they're about six feet tall, 300 pounds, they make...ice. Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman! (a few beers later) "So I says "Yeah? You want that money? Come and find it, 'cause I dunno where it is ya big baloney! You make me wanna WRETCH!"

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 28 November 2002 03:49 (twenty-three years ago)

I don't think this is homer but;

'I tire of your sexually suggestive dancing, bring me my ranch dressing hose'

&
'first you get the sugar, then your get the power...then you get the wiiih-men'

'do YOU come with the car?'

― nellskies (minna), Thursday, 28 November 2002 05:49 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge: "Have you noticed anything different about Bart lately?"
Homer: "New glasses?"

― Justyn Dillingham (Justyn Dillingham), Thursday, 28 November 2002 06:18 (twenty-three years ago)

one month passes...

"Oh, no attitude, eh? Not in your face, huh? Well, you can cram it with walnuts, ugly!"

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 21 January 2003 21:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Bart: Homer, have you been licking toads?
Homer: I haven't NOT been licking toads...

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 21 January 2003 21:20 (twenty-three years ago)

four months pass...

ooh, floor pie! [homer is caught in very obvious loop of rope on floor and ends up swinging from the ceiling]

this had me in fits last night, and i'm not entirely sure why...

― CarsmileSteve (CarsmileSteve), Thursday, 22 May 2003 08:11 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge: "Barts got a job as a Tutor
Homer: "toot on bart, toot on"

― james (james), Thursday, 22 May 2003 08:25 (twenty-three years ago)

"Hey everyone, look at this country! U R Gay!"

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Thursday, 22 May 2003 08:28 (twenty-three years ago)

i would like to take this opportunity to emphasise the brilliant perfectness of how homer says "there there, shut up boy" just before that dogfood monologue

none of these quotes stick in my head as much as barney saying "LORD PALMERSTON!"

― Chip Morningstar (bob), Thursday, 22 May 2003 10:06 (twenty-three years ago)

PITT. THE. ELDER.

― robster (robster), Thursday, 22 May 2003 10:35 (twenty-three years ago)

"Woohoo! I'm a college guy! I won't need my high school diploma anymore! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart!I am so smart! S-M-R-T... I mean S-M-A-R-T..."

And my favourite: "mmmm... something."

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 22 May 2003 10:50 (twenty-three years ago)

"We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend! Hiyooooo!!" - Willie the Groundskeeper

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 17:50 (twenty-three years ago)

(not technically a Homer quote, but he's played by the same guy so)

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 17:51 (twenty-three years ago)

Along the same lines as Crudders' above (not by Homer, but still voiced by the same dood):

"If I can just tranq out one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job." - Officer Wiggum

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 17:53 (twenty-three years ago)

"All my life I've been an obese man trapped in a fat man's body."

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 17:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Pedantic point of order: Chief Wiggum is actually voiced by Hank Azaria. But it's still a good quote!

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Well if we're going to be doing quotes this way, can I start quoting Hank Azaria in The Birdcage?

― Ally (mlescaut), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:13 (twenty-three years ago)

THANKS FOR STEALING MINE, TRAYCE!!! ;=P

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:14 (twenty-three years ago)

that is the scariest smiley ever.

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:18 (twenty-three years ago)

Sing along now: 'You can't make friends with sal-ad, you can't make friends with sal-ad'

― oops (Oops), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:38 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge: your life long dream was to go on The Gong Show and you did that last year

(flashback)

Homer: we got more gongs than the breakdancing robot that caught on fire

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:46 (twenty-three years ago)

(I'm not very good with the smiles!)

― Bryan (Bryan), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer: Well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky pants Simpson.
Ned: Haha, yeah I guess I do.
Homer: Welly-welly-welly. Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee
Ned: How about it Homer, will you teach me the secrets of your intoxicating lust for life?
Homer: Wellity-wellity-wellity..
Ned: Stop that!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 18:58 (twenty-three years ago)

One of my all-time favs:

Homer - "Brain no function well beer without."

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 19:04 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer: "Oooh, he card read good."

― dleone (dleone), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 19:14 (twenty-three years ago)

"Here's to alcohol, the cause of and solution to all of life's problems."

― That Girl (thatgirl), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 20:19 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer "Ok, here are our code-names. I'll be Cueball, Barney can be 8 ball, Skinner can be 12 ball, and Moe you can be Cueball."

Moe "You're an idiot"

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 20:24 (twenty-three years ago)

One that cracked me up recently:

Ned: I think we just hit something!
Homer: I hope it's Flanders!

― Vinnie (vprabhu), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 20:27 (twenty-three years ago)

That's a very interesting exchange the more I think about it. ;-)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 21:04 (twenty-three years ago)

"I know - I have a plan. I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down"

I've seen that episdode a bajillion times and I crack up laughing at that line EVERY TIME.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 21:29 (twenty-three years ago)

the "max power" song just before mr burns walks in on homer had me pissing myself.

― dog latin (dog latin), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 23:32 (twenty-three years ago)

"..his name can be said by any-one"

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Tuesday, 27 May 2003 23:36 (twenty-three years ago)

"Jimmy cracked corn, and I don't care.
Jimmy cracked corn, and I'm not there.
We built this city on rock and roooooolllll!
Somethin', somethin' day!"

I still also pee in my pants when I think of Homer eating Super Golden Crisp in the car at the beginning of one of the Halloween episodes: "Guess I forgot to put the foglights in."

― martin m. (mushrush), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 00:54 (twenty-three years ago)

"Then we figured out we could park them in front of the TV. That's how I was raised, and I turned out TV."

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 01:54 (twenty-three years ago)

"I wasn't asleep, I was drunk!"

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 02:54 (twenty-three years ago)

"Kids, let me tell you about another so-called 'wicked' guy. He had long hair and some wild ideas. He didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that, too. Marge, you know what I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?"

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 03:00 (twenty-three years ago)

best one yet

― oops (Oops), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 03:04 (twenty-three years ago)

not a homer quote but a 'about homer' quote:

"My dad's always yelling about whitey keeping him down."

― That Girl (thatgirl), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 03:17 (twenty-three years ago)

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.
Homer: No way! Because I'm not dying!
Dr. Hibbert: The second is anger.
Homer: Why you little!
Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.
Homer: [horrified] What's after fear? What's after fear?
Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.
Homer: Doc, you gotta get me out of this! I'll make it worth your while!
Dr. Hibbert: Finally, acceptance.
Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.
Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

― Kenan Hebert (kenan), Wednesday, 28 May 2003 12:18 (twenty-three years ago)

*Homer is watching TV, depressed*
Ad: Can't get enough of that wonderful Duff...beer.

Homer: BEER. Now there's a temporary solution.

― The Man they call Dan (The Man they call Dan), Thursday, 29 May 2003 01:10 (twenty-three years ago)

Two from the same episode, "Bart On The Road"

1. Homer (making prank call):"Hello, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura."
Moe: "Ura Snotball?"
Homer:"What? How dare you? If I find out who this is, I'll staple a
flag to your butt and mail you to Iran."

2.Homer (after finding out about how Bart got to Knoxville):"Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment?" (puts on helmet and proceeds to unload a truckfull of profanity) (Takes helmet off) "All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him."

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Thursday, 29 May 2003 18:40 (twenty-three years ago)

One more (from "The Summer on 4'2'')

Homer (at a convenice store looking for illagal fireworks, a take-off of the liquor store from "American Graffiti")-"Hi... ummm... let me have some of those porno magazines... large box
of condoms... a couple of those panty shields [quickly] and some
illegal fireworks [back to normal] and one of those disposable enemas.
Ehhh... make it two."

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Thursday, 29 May 2003 18:45 (twenty-three years ago)

Marge: What about Mr. Burns? Maybe *he'll* help us out.
Homer: Forget it. He releases the hounds on every charity that comes to his door -- Feed the Children, Save the Whales, even Release the Hounds.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Thursday, 5 June 2003 02:57 (twenty-three years ago)

Homer: Hello Mr. Burns. This is your mother.

Smithers: Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more dessicated. And she doesn't call her son "Mr. Burns"!

Homer: Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son.

― noh, Thursday, 5 June 2003 08:42 (twenty-three years ago)

three weeks pass...

"Son, when you participate in sporting events, its not whether you win or loose, its how drunk you get."

"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."

"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."

"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one,'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"

"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"

"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."

"Oh look at me I'm making people happy. I'm the magical man fromm happy land..."

― oops (Oops), Friday, 27 June 2003 21:57 (twenty-two years ago)

SO LONG DENTAL PLAN

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Friday, 27 June 2003 22:36 (twenty-two years ago)

"Lisa needs braces"
"Dental Plan"
"Lisa needs braces"
"Dental Plan"

― oops (Oops), Friday, 27 June 2003 22:38 (twenty-two years ago)

six months pass...

(Homer rolling down the hill on a cherry picker)

I know I`m not a big believer in God but if you`re up there....save me Superman.

― Johnny1888, Friday, 2 January 2004 15:49 (twenty-two years ago)

"If only God was still alive to see this."

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 2 January 2004 16:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Okay, my actual favorite Homer quote:

"I saw you desperately trying to cram one more salty treat into America's already bloated snack hole. So I did what I could. I did what any loving husband would do! I reached out to some violent mobsters."

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Friday, 2 January 2004 16:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Homer: "good news everyone, Apu convinced me that Proposition 24 was a big mistake"
Marge: "that's wonderful Homie"
Lisa: "now you've got the whole of the Simpson family behind you Apu"
Apu: "that's nice but only two of you are eligible to vote"
Homer (guilelessly): "and I'M not registered"

― stevem (blueski), Friday, 2 January 2004 16:06 (twenty-two years ago)

SAVE ME JEEBUS!

― Trayce (trayce), Saturday, 3 January 2004 09:05 (twenty-two years ago)

"i've learnt that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish flanders was dead¡"

― dyson (dyson), Saturday, 3 January 2004 18:48 (twenty-two years ago)

"I've grown to hate my own creation. Now I know how God feels."

And, in the episode at a sci-fi convention where chaos breaks out and Homer rescues the Luke Skywalker dude. Bart, Lisa and Homer are outside the building making sure everyone is OK.

BART: What about Maggie?

HOMER: Forget Maggie! Maggie's gone!

MARGE: I'VE got Maggie.

HOMER: D'oh!

― jewelly (jewelly), Sunday, 4 January 2004 09:39 (twenty-two years ago)

ultimate classic:

here's to alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

;)

― Viva La Sam (thatgirl), Sunday, 4 January 2004 11:49 (twenty-two years ago)

I'll take your money. But I'm not gonna clear your driveway.

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 5 January 2004 11:01 (twenty-two years ago)

WHY DO YOU THINK I TOOK YOU TO SEE ALL THOSE POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES?? FOR FUN?!?! WELL I DIDN'T SEE ANYONE ELSE LAUGHING....'cept for that guy who does the sound effects (cue variety of silly sounds imitated by Homer)...hehehe...now where were we? oh yeah, stay outta my booze

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 5 January 2004 11:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh are you going to release the hounds? or the bees? or the hounds with bees in their mouths so when they bark they shoot bees at you?

― Catty (Catty), Monday, 5 January 2004 11:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Ahh, television. Teacher, mother, secret lover.
Urge to kill...fading...fading...fading -- rising! Fading...fading
[family sighs]
Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm glowing warming glow.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Monday, 5 January 2004 11:59 (twenty-two years ago)

What about Marge's best quotes?

"I'll suppress the rage I'm feeling!"

"You can raise some emuuuuuuss....."

"Why do I always think of the perfect thing to say too late? SHUT UP, BECKY!"

― Catty (Catty), Monday, 5 January 2004 12:02 (twenty-two years ago)

(Homer opens the door to Kang and Kodos, the cyclopic, tentacled aliens . . . )

"Hello... oh, great. Mormons!"

― Kenny (Kenny), Monday, 5 January 2004 13:07 (twenty-two years ago)

"Don't blame me, *I* voted for Kodos."

― Catty (Catty), Monday, 5 January 2004 13:07 (twenty-two years ago)

(after an announcer on the radio has declared him "lost and presumably mauled")

"Wrong again, liberal media!"

― Charles McCain (Charles McCain), Monday, 5 January 2004 17:42 (twenty-two years ago)

TV: Beer may cause liver damage and cancer of the rectum!
Homer: Mmm, beer.

― Leee Smith (Leee), Monday, 5 January 2004 21:33 (twenty-two years ago)

three weeks pass...

I had to revive this for the classic quote on last nights ep:

"No! My wife is not a doobie, to be passed around! I took a sacred
vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever!"

Lost my shit, I did.

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 29 January 2004 03:34 (twenty-two years ago)

That's one of my favorites!

APU: Oh! Don't shoot! Just take the money and get out!
HOMER: What? Oh, Apu, I would never...

*The shot pans up to his brain.*

HOMER'S BRAIN: Or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the Kwik-E-Mart?

*Homer imagines himself sat on a rocking chair outside a mansion, wearing a suit and a monocle. Marge dances in a bikini next to him. Fade back to reality.*

HOMER: I'll do it! I'll rob the Kwik-E-Mart! All right, put your--

*Homer is driving away from the store, with a sandwich in his hand.*

HOMER: D'oh!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 29 January 2004 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

doh!, doh!, doh!THIS IS THE WORST PAIN, EVER!

― Speedy Gonzalas (Speedy Gonzalas), Thursday, 29 January 2004 23:08 (twenty-two years ago)

Is there a place to put in the Family Guy line, where Peter sees a handicapped guy and goes, "Oh crip, a crapple!"

― Chuck Tatum (Chuck Tatum), Thursday, 29 January 2004 23:09 (twenty-two years ago)

three months pass...

Groundskeeper Willie said "SHITE!" on the season finale last night! Which was funny!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:53 (twenty-two years ago)

I noticed that! Not exactly subtley either. How on earth did that slip by the censors?

Funniest Simpsons episode I've seen in a long while btw.... Booooobs boooobs!

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 24 May 2004 14:59 (twenty-two years ago)

"Why must *every* attempt at masonry end in *failure*?!"

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 00:48 (twenty-two years ago)

GOd dammit they've stopped showing the new eps in Australia at the moment for NO GOOD REASON! We're quite a few behind too :(

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 00:52 (twenty-two years ago)

Apparently we "might" get "My Big Fat Geek Wedding" on June 9 according to SNPP... or we might get "The Great Louse Detective" instead. This is thanks to Big fucking Brother of course. Which ratings has proved NOBODY WATCHES ANYMORE. But still. Grr.

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 00:54 (twenty-two years ago)

I watch it! I got a mate into it too, so the ratings have doubled.

― Pack Yr Romantic Almanac (Autumn Almanac), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 00:58 (twenty-two years ago)

you'll have to speak up, i'm wearing a towel

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 25 May 2004 09:20 (twenty-two years ago)

two months pass...

Marge: Homer, you've got it set on WHORE!

and

Marge: Women won't like being shot in the face.
Homer: Women will like what I tell them to.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 16:06 (twenty-one years ago)

skinner (thinking): "i know you can read my thoughts, bart...just a little reminder...if i find out you cut class, your ass is mine! (pause) yes, you heard me. i THINK words i'd never SAY."
homer (thinking): "i know you can read MY thoughts, boy...meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow..."

― J.D. (Justyn Dillingham), Tuesday, 3 August 2004 18:11 (twenty-one years ago)

justyn didn't finish this quote all the way:

Marge: Have you noticed something different about Bart lately?
Homer: New glasses?
Marge: No, he seems upset
Homer: He probably misses his old glasses

― dave k, Tuesday, 3 August 2004 18:19 (twenty-one years ago)

Homer, after imagining taking a bite out of the moon while sitting on a seven-foot tall chinese basketball players shoulders:

"mmmm.... far-fetched".

― Trayce (trayce), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 23:01 (twenty-one years ago)

In response to hearing about Johnny Newspaper-seed

"If he's so good, why's he dead?!"

My brother and I did that one all the time.

(Hoping nobody did that one yet)

― David Allen (David Allen), Wednesday, 4 August 2004 23:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Marge: We're so different. It's like I'm from Venus and you're from Mars.
Homer: Fine, give ME the one with all the monsters.

― Wooden (Wooden), Thursday, 5 August 2004 01:02 (twenty-one years ago)

It's meta, but I cracked up when I first saw it:

Homer [in bed, to Marge]: You know, I've had a lot of jobs: boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country-western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker,fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe, and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

― m.e.a. (m.e.a.), Thursday, 5 August 2004 01:35 (twenty-one years ago)

"oh when the saints/ oh when the saints/ oh when the saints go over there"

― Symplistic (shmuel), Thursday, 5 August 2004 08:18 (twenty-one years ago)

"Ice to meet you."

"I'm thinking of holding another meeting.... in bed!"

And since I'm on a big McBain/Wolfcastle kick, straight from snpp.com:

Rainier: Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly".
[cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]
McBain: Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?
[pause] That's the joke.
Man: [from audience] You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]
McBain: Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
Man: [from audience] Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]
Rainier: The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
Jay: [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?
Rainier: On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

― Mr. Tony Plow (Leee), Tuesday, 10 August 2004 04:15 (twenty-one years ago)

But thats not a Homer quote, Leee! ;P

(still, it *is* funny)

― Trayce (trayce), Tuesday, 10 August 2004 06:08 (twenty-one years ago)

Brockman: "What's your next project?"
Wolfcastle: "I play a father that visits his son at school and is horrified to realize his son is a nerd."
Brockman: "I'm laughing already!"
Wolfcastle: "IT'S NOT A COMEDY!"

― the neurotic awakening of s (blueski), Tuesday, 10 August 2004 08:44 (twenty-one years ago)

But thats not a Homer quote, Leee! ;P

Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito!

― Mr. Tony Plow (Leee), Tuesday, 10 August 2004 21:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Homer: ''Max Power, he's the man who's name you'd love to
touch! But you mustn't touch! His name sounds good in your
ear, but when you say it, you mustn't fear! 'Cause his name
can be said by anyone!''

― BleachYourSpeech, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 13:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Also:

"You don't snuggle with Max Power. You strap yourself in and FEEL THE G'S!"

― Harold Media (kenan), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 13:54 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

Marge: You lied to me!

Homer: I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth!

― Chairman Doinel (Charles McCain), Thursday, 2 March 2006 20:41 (twenty years ago)

one year passes...

Homer getting "in the mood":

"I was just watching women's vollyball on ESPN"

― C. Grisso/McCain, Thursday, 28 February 2008 19:20 (eighteen years ago)

Is this any good anymore?

― Autumn Almanac, Thursday, 28 February 2008 21:13 (eighteen years ago)

"It's still good, it's just a little airborne"

― Jarlrmai, Thursday, 28 February 2008 22:06 (eighteen years ago)

comic book episode was funny (lolz Watchbabies in V for Vacation!)

but I am a comic book dork

― Shakey Mo Collier, Thursday, 28 February 2008 22:12 (eighteen years ago)

yeah i crazy lol'd @ v for vactation

― BIG HOOS aka the steendriver, Thursday, 28 February 2008 22:20 (eighteen years ago)

HOMER (attempting to impersonate Mr. Burns):Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter waiting for me.
POSTOFFICE GUY: okay, Mr. Burns - what's your first name?
HOMER: I don't know.

-- bnw (bnw), Wednesday, 9 October 2002 19:48

This is my fave Simpson scene. The fact that he puts on a silly voice for no reason and sounds nothing like Mr Burns is the icing on the cake.

― Bodrick III, Thursday, 28 February 2008 22:23 (eighteen years ago)

"marge, where's that...metal...dealy...we use to...dig...food?"

― Lawrence the Looter, Thursday, 28 February 2008 23:59 (eighteen years ago)

BEST SIMPSONS SCENE EVER:

(Homer's in bed wearing reading glasses and holding a notebook and pencil.)

"OK I've figured out Bart's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Next, no egg nog. In fact, no nog period. And finally, absolutely no stealing for three months."

And then it zooms in on Homer's notebook and instead of it being the list he just read, it's actually a drawing of a robot barbecuing a hot dog over a fire in a garbage can.

― Mr. Snrub, Friday, 29 February 2008 03:01 (eighteen years ago)

that doodle and the one he makes in the submarine are pure genius

― electricsound, Friday, 29 February 2008 03:04 (eighteen years ago)

"homer, i think we should buy a doghouse for the dog."
"marge, marge, marge. you're a tool of the doghouse-makers."
"no i'm not!"
"yes, you are. you've been brainwashed by all those dog-house commercials on TV."

― J.D., Friday, 29 February 2008 04:54 (eighteen years ago)

Homer: Well, time to go to work.
Homer's Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing. Well, off to the plant.
Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
Homer's Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?
Homer: I've got to think of a lie fast!
Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
Homer: Ahhhhh!

and also

Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding.

― Mr Raif, Friday, 29 February 2008 17:16 (eighteen years ago)

legend of the dog-faced woman

― aaron d.g., Saturday, 1 March 2008 02:28 (eighteen years ago)

Pepi: Tell me more! I want to know ALL the constellations!
Homer: Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan...the cowboy.

― weatheringdaleson, Saturday, 1 March 2008 04:07 (eighteen years ago)

You've been galavanting around with that floozy of a Bigger Brother of yours, haven't you? Haven't you?!

― Standing In The Shadows Of Bob, Sunday, 2 March 2008 10:03 (eighteen years ago)

There's one I keep coming back to, I forget the episode, but Homer's talking about all the places he's never been to, and the family keeps correcting him that he has been to said places. Homer's conclusion:

"Yet I've never been to me."

― C. Grisso/McCain, Monday, 3 March 2008 16:17 (eighteen years ago)

Oh and "If i could say a few words...I'd be a better public speaker!"

-- naked as sin (naked as sin), Wednesday, October 9, 2002 2:36 PM (5 years ago) Bookmark Link

the part that kills me about this is that he says it to a table full of people who all stare back blankly at him, except Bart, who laughs and pounds his fist on the table.

― Alex in Baltimore, Monday, 3 March 2008 16:33 (eighteen years ago)

when Troy McClure tells Homer his imending marriage to Selma is a sham, and at the "speak now or forever hold your peace" bit of the wedding it zooms in on Homer's brain and he's just shouting Rock and Roll Part 2 to himself

― That mong guy that's shit, Monday, 3 March 2008 16:36 (eighteen years ago)

"I wish I wish I hadn't killed that fish!"

― Trayce, Tuesday, 4 March 2008 09:34 (eighteen years ago)

Lisa: Mom!
Homer: Huh -- wha -- Lisa! What's up?
Lisa: I just had a bad dream!
Homer: Oh, sure. You just lie down and tell me all about it.
Lisa: Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the bogeyman was after
me, and he's hiding under --
Homer: Aah! Bogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!

― C. Grisso/McCain, Tuesday, 4 March 2008 16:17 (eighteen years ago)

Homer: You promised Lisa to help her with her costume. You made her
cry. Then I cried. Then Maggie laughed -- she's such a little
trooper.

― The Yellow Kid, Tuesday, 4 March 2008 19:33 (eighteen years ago)

Probably my favorite Simpsons moment ever:

Marge: Oh, Homer. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Homer: You bet I am!
Zoom over to Homer's daydream, where he's flying over a crowd of people with a hang-glider, shooting them with laser gun: Hahahahaha! You can run, but you can't GLIDE!
Zoom back to reality, Homer: Hehehe! USA! USA!

The way he says "glide" is the best part.

― musically, Tuesday, 4 March 2008 23:13 (eighteen years ago)

"his dinner's getting all cold and eaten."

― C. Grisso/McCain, Wednesday, 5 March 2008 01:43 (eighteen years ago)

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