The Fart Thread

And, to retain my maturity, I would like to state that I don't find farts funny in the slightest, unless they came from a scabby, fat hooker's arse right into Richard Simmons' lap.

If V is for Vendetta, F is for Fartist. The first part of the word is “fart” for the act of firing bacteria created air and poo particles at an incredible speed. Everyone one does it, and it has been proven that farts bring joy, yet they are taboo in public. The second part of the word is “artist” because that is what I am. Much like Picasso wielded a paint and easel, I have the ability to practically fart on command and have perfected the ventriloquist and ricochet methods which allow me to strike with devastating accuracy from cover much like a highly trained sniper.

My main hunting grounds are the mean streets of BART, which I am forced to endure twice a day for half an hour at a time. Many people from other places tell me that BART is great or some similar shit, but anyone who rides it daily like me knows that it sucks. To pay $10 a day for the right to park and ride to and from work is excruciating, especially on the way home when I think about paying to stand on a packed train with a bunch of self absorbed aholes. But I must give BART some credit, for they launched my career as the most lethal vigilante in history.

Here is a list of some of the victims and the methods with which they were punished:

Mr. Read the newspaper to his wife on speaker phone guy: You are on the top of the list for one reason and one reason only; you are without a doubt the biggest asshole in history. Who sits there and yells on speaker phone and reads stories about an axe murderer to his wife during rush hour (in the elderly and handicapped seat no less)? You do. I fought for almost two minutes, desperately pumping the volume up button on my iPod trying to block out your transgressions. My career as a fartist started then, my ignorant self absorbed friend, and you were treated to turkey chili con queso. Oooooh it was hot and wet when I crop dusted you, how did it smell? Call your wife and tell her about it.

Ms. Lower her shoulder and cram her way on to a way too packed train lady: I could not believe you were actually going to try to cram your way on to our way too packed train, but you sealed the deal when you lowered your shoulder and repeatedly rammed your way into the crowded mass of frustrated passengers. It took me a stop or two, but slowly I was able to back my tight buttocks right up to within 2 feet of your short ugly face. I used the silencer once again but you bathed in it. When you cried, “Oh god, who farted?” I was crying I was laughing so hard.

Two teenage girls talking about sex and two teenage guys talking about taking drugs and driving: You have no idea how stupid you sound talking about subjects like that on a silent BART train during the afternoon commute. I saw one lady actually get up and move away because your conversation was so inane and ignorant. Bonus points for the one girl saying she prefers wine and salmon to a beer and burger now, I can’t tell you how impressed we all were with you. The woman behind you who rolled her eyes and slumped in her seat wanted more of your tips on living the high life for sure. And guys, I’m not sure what drug exactly you were talking about taking and then driving on the freeway but I just hope you don’t take anyone with you when you earn your Darwin Awards. I approached smiling, appearing to be heading for the exit, utterly forgettable in my everyday Dockers with polar fleece pullover. You were all sitting together in the “quad” chairs that face each other and no one else was around you for obvious reasons. The ambient noise from the tunnel meant I was able to really make you shiver when I delivered, I am actually shocked that a burnt hole wasn’t left in the back of my pants. It was one of my fall specials, a preseason pumpkin fart that smells for five minutes. By the time you realized what was happening I was doubled over laughing on the escalator in the station, I hope my gas taught you something valuable. Silence is golden.

Next time, more victims and a discussion over which came first – the need to fart or the elevator.

http://www.midwaysailor.com/military/salute.jpg

if there's one thing i dislike it's farting. URGH!

A good fart is almost as satisfying as an orgasm.

http://www.kucau.net/wp/wp-content/uploads/2007/04/fart-power.jpg

B is for Bucket. Bucket is for Barfing?

"I hope my gas taught you something valuable."

I b'leev that the bucket is a symbolic source of, er, "fuel".

Prob good for barf too tho.

I would love to know if that vehicular contraption done had any accompanying sound FX.

The fart and work restroom stall stories on craigslist have always been among my favorites.

For some reason this line gets me: "I approached smiling, appearing to be heading for the exit, utterly forgettable in my everyday Dockers with polar fleece pullover."

http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Can_you_fart_on_the_moon

A: Yes you can. But You gone float up with it.

I mean, really. I wouldn't mind, but that answer was posted by the head of NASA...

Our contributors said this page should be displayed for the questions below. (Where do these come from)
If any of these are not a genuine rephrasing of the question, please help out and edit these alternates.
Why does the moon fart? When did you fart on the moon? In pokemon moon rpg how do you fart?

We all fart…..But do you really know what a fart is? And why do some of those suckers smell so bad? Let's try to find the "truth" behind the fart....

Fart is slang term for the word flatulence:

Flatulence: Excess gas in the intestinal tract. But excess flatulence is difficult to define without a yardstick to measure the "normal" frequency of gas passages. Symptom-free individuals have recorded approximately 14 passages of gas per 24 hours. From the Latin flastus, meaning blowing, as a breeze or snort.

How does a fart work?

A fart is created when undigested food particles reach the large intestines where the “fart gas” is formed. This area has a large amount of of enzymes that feed on this undigested food – the byproduct of this interaction is gas, the “fart.”

A fart is a combination of gases (nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen sulfide). The only way for this excess gas to exit the body is through the anus.

Hydrogen sulfide (or hydrogen sulphide) is the chemical compound responsible for making your farts stink. This colorless, toxic, and flammable gas is responsible for the foul odour of rotton eggs, and flatulence or farts. The more sulfur rich your diet the more your farts will stink.

Some foods that cause can cause a smelly farts include:

* Beans,
* Cabbage
* Cheese
* Soda
* Eggs
* Apples
* Apricots
* Bran
* Broccoli
* Brussels Sprouts
* Carrots
* Cauliflower
* Dairy Products
* Eggplant
* Nuts
* Onions
* Peaches
* Pears
* Popcorn Prunes
* Raisins
* Soybean
* Tuna

What is a Fart - and Why Do They Stink?
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By Bug Mee

We all fart…..But do you really know what a fart is? And why do some of those suckers smell so bad? Let's try to find the "truth" behind the fart....

Fart is slang term for the word flatulence:

Flatulence: Excess gas in the intestinal tract. But excess flatulence is difficult to define without a yardstick to measure the "normal" frequency of gas passages. Symptom-free individuals have recorded approximately 14 passages of gas per 24 hours. From the Latin flastus, meaning blowing, as a breeze or snort.

---MedicineNet.com

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How does a fart work?

A fart is created when undigested food particles reach the large intestines where the “fart gas” is formed. This area has a large amount of of enzymes that feed on this undigested food – the byproduct of this interaction is gas, the “fart.”

A fart is a combination of gases (nitrogen, carbon dioxide, oxygen, methane, and hydrogen sulfide). The only way for this excess gas to exit the body is through the anus.

Hydrogen sulfide (or hydrogen sulphide) is the chemical compound responsible for making your farts stink. This colorless, toxic, and flammable gas is responsible for the foul odour of rotton eggs, and flatulence or farts. The more sulfur rich your diet the more your farts will stink.

Some foods that cause can cause a smelly farts include:

* Beans,
* Cabbage
* Cheese
* Soda
* Eggs
* Apples
* Apricots
* Bran
* Broccoli
* Brussels Sprouts
* Carrots
* Cauliflower
* Dairy Products
* Eggplant
* Nuts
* Onions
* Peaches
* Pears
* Popcorn Prunes
* Raisins
* Soybean
* Tuna

A Few Facts About Farts

Did you know?

* On the average, a healthy person farts 16 times a day.
* Hey guys, don't be fooled by girls who tell you that they never fart. Everyone farts, including girls. In fact, females fart just as much as males.
* Many animals fart too. Cats, dogs, and cows. Elephants fart the most.
* People fart the most in their sleep.
* Farts that contain a large amount of methane & hydrogen can be flammable.

phbbbbbbbbbbbbt

Elephants fart the most.

So if an elephant says to you "pull my finger", don't.

Who are these girls flippantly telling males, "Well, I never fart!"

^^^killy

(xpost) You'd be surprised how many women claim this to their allegedly excessively flatulating male partner. But if you hold it in, it only comes out later when you're asleep. So you're SO is getting it both barrels.

er, one barrel

Maybe this thread should be moved to ILTMI, then we can really let rip. Oh dear...

yes but how is fart sounds made? the way i see it there is 2 competing theory
one involves 'butt clapping'
another is 'sphincter vibration'
perhaps even there are others if you choose to specify a certain surfaces for farting onto.
such as the ever-hilarious wooden chair fart which make the whole chair vibrate sympathetically and thus is louder

whenever farts are made, not getting laid

Some foods that cause can cause a smelly farts

why doesn't fart man post anymore?

Old Fart!!!!

Flatus is brought to the rectum by the same process which causes feces to descend from the large intestine (see peristaltic movement), and may cause a similar feeling of urgency and discomfort. Nerve endings in the rectum usually enable individuals to distinguish between flatus and feces, [4] although loose stool can confuse the individual, occasionally resulting in accidental defecation (commonly known as "following through", or "sharting").

to this day I've never sharted. It's kinda like....if your bunghole's confused, better squat over a toilet and err on the side of caution.

The case for the prosecution argued for the charge of Murder, putting it to the court that, late one weekday evening as Mrs Flannery was reading a Jackie Collins novel in bed and unwinding for sleep, she was suddenly and forcibly pinned under the duvet by Mr Flannery, who sealed the edges with his weight while simultaneously releasing an enormous bolus of flatulence, which displaced all the available oxygen so that Mrs Flannery passed out nearly instantly, and was dead within 30 seconds.

http://www.spoon-tamago.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/hegassen-fart-scroll-9.jpg

http://www.spoon-tamago.com/2015/01/07/he-gassen-japan-edo-period-fart-scrolls/

Partner wanted to go to a Tous les Jours bakery today to buy some bread. I looked at the bag, saw where it printed "HOW TO ENJOY YOUR LOAF" and had a good laugh.

FART