The Christmas Ritual

WHAT?? Why wait till the middle of the afternoon? First thing's first: presents. Then back to bed.

I was once stuck over Christmas on Long Island in a huge house with a family who all turned out to be rabid anti-semites. They didn't reveal this until the whiskey started flowing, and they started bashing Asian engineers and Mexicans(not literally). It took me two hours to pluck up the courage to tell them that I was, in fact, a bagel boy (tm). They then became incredibly apologetic, and showered me with incredibly expensive gifts, telling me that Santa was "non-denominational". Mortifying.

Pah - she is milking it. I've cooked Christmas dinner for years and it is a piece of piss. And opened my presents whilst at it.

Worst Xmas ritual = dad getting in a strop cos everyone starts eating as soon as they get their plate rather than waiting for him to finish carving & sit down.

day before xmas- get to greyhound station as soon as possible. ride the dog down the NYC. find friends. drink steadily, hang out in an attic in queens or a crammped studio in hells kitchen and BITCH ABOUT HOW MUCH YOU FUCKING HATE YOUR FAMILY, AND CHRISTMAS IN GENERAL. repeat until new years. then go home sheepishly when the money runs out.

C.Eve - Isabel and I give each other small/twee presents.

C.Night - stockings as per (Emma is OTM though, it has to stop somewhere, oh great a pair of soXoR you shouldn't have Santa)

Morning - main present ritual with presents for me, brother, Mum, Dad.

After lunch - presents from Isabel's family, presents to I's family, presents from/to other relatives.

What you have to look forward to after lunch - BOUZE, giant xmas crosswords, fillums, PLAYING WITH YR PRESENTS! (Though the non-appearance of Ape Escape 2 has scotched this one)

Christmas Eve : Drive to Norwegian in-laws in Ct. Arrive at Norwegian in-laws to the smells of Mutton. Almost throw up. Not allowed to have anything to eat because father-in-law and mother-in-law tell me I won't have any room for Mutton. Drink heavily at this point to mask taste of Mutton and to fill my stomach. Sit down for Norwegian Dinner, assorted fish, mutton, potatoes and other ungodly things that they all love and I hate. Drink more. Drink Aquavit (about 6 shots worth). By this point I'm shitfaced and the mutton tastes like steak. Finish up, have dessert and some more alcohol. Sit down and the presents begin. At 9:30, I pass out.

Christmas Day:

Wake up terribly hungover and smelling like pickled mutton. Go downstairs and open stocking from the Julenissen (sp?). Sit down for breakfast of fish and cheese. Run to restroom and vomit. Pack up everything, refuse leftover mutton. Drive to Mass. to my mothers house where I feel like such shit, I sleep all day. Eat Italian/Canadian meal for dinner. Open presents, eat dessert, say goodbyes and drive to fathers house down the street. Super Italian American Christmas, silver christmas tree, only Italian singers playing christmas music. Become annoyed fast. Eat a cookie, receive no presents and leave.

Merry Fucking Christmas, wheres the Tylenol.

We'll get up and to to mass probably in Limerick, with loads of relatives etc, I always remember feeling extremely clean at that church as a child, parents fussing etc. Anyway there's millions of cousins in my family and they'll be around the area too so I'll meet loads of them after mass.

Then there's a tradition which started a few years ago when some dude in my Uncle's consituency started giving him backhanders (not really)of loads of oysters. So we have Oysters and Champagne on Christmas day (I really should go back to the class thread at this point). I hated oysters as a child but now I likes them.

After that beer for most of the day I guess, play with younger cousins playstations if they're around, eat whatever sweets are around. Go for a walk maybe if it's not too cold, desperately try to have a cigarette somewhere where elderly relatives don't see me and lecture me.

There's always a fight when opening the presents in our family cos my Dad likes to do them one by one and hand them out, he does it dead quickly and my sister always complains and says "no no wait we've to see what everyone else is getting" and then me or my brothers say "no just rip them all open now" and my Dad gets pissed off. Last year there was an incident at the table when my sister made the bread sauce and really fucked it up and I was a real little antichrist about this I fully admit.

All grown-up presents and kids presents not-from-Santa opened in a frenzy on Xmas morning at around eleven with champagne all round.

Lunch of sandwiches and more champagne coinciding with Christmas TOTP.

Afternoon - sit around drinking and trying not to eat too many tidbits and nuts and stuff until....

Evening - Christmas dinner. Always exactly the same - Smoked salmon starter, turkey/stuffing/chipolata sausages wrapped in bacon/sprouts/roast spuds/etc, xmas pudding/brandy sauce etc. Followed by Drambuie + other vile evils. I have gone out on a limb this year by suggesting Goose rather than Turkey and been soundly slapped down about it..so Turkey again.

Between main course and pudding (or is it AFTER pudding - exact timing is the source of huge arguments every year) we have the £5 present ceremony. A few weeks prior to Christmas each family member receives an envelope with a NAME in it. You have to buy a small present costing not more than £5, although the unwritten rule is that it's sort of 'under a tenner'. These get wrapped in secret, given printed labels (no handwriting) and are distributed at the meal. Then you have to guess who bought each present for whom. This is almost the highlight of Christmas and has yielded some good stuff over the years. When it was first introduced (after huge discussions - nothing 'new' is introduced into Xmas without massive wrangling - it's like trying to change the law of the land) it was a ONE POUND present and you had to be able to wrap it in a cracker!

but this year they are GOING AWAY, so I have sod all to do for xmas. waaaah. how to hate xmas even more than you normally do. it's one thing to spend it with other people who hate xmas, actually having a good time, but to have to spend xmas by yourself = major dud. :-(

Christmas Eve – Arrive at mum ‘n’ dad’s with massive, unnecessary, hold-all for overnight stay (to get all my pressies home in, forward planning in a spoilt brat type way). Followed by traditional “oh please wont you come to midnight mass, just this once? I mean I know don’t really believe and your father and I said you could make your own decision about religion when you reached 16 (11 years ago!) but just do it for me eh?” speech from my ever hopeful mother, bless. Hang up ridiculously huge knitted Christmas stocking. Get dressed up to the nines and await sisters return from “midnight” mass (she always gives in) then head off to the local cheesy night-club, get very, very drunk, pretend to like all the people I went to school with that go to said local night-club every year. Walk home in the early hours arm in arm with baby sis, singing our hearts out, tiptoe past living room, set off alarm (every year without fail) wake up whole house.

“09.00 - Awake to smell of turkey giblets in the pressure cooker. Run downstairs and open stocking (age 27 I still get one)
09.02 - put orange from toe of stocking back in fruitbowl
09.00-lunch - stay well clear of kitchen or incur wrath of frantic mother”

My Christmas morning is pretty much like that except add in hangover from hell, I never learn.

This year, however, is my mothers turn to cook for the ENTIRE family, which is like upwards of 30. She is mental. I am dreading it. Especially as my sis moved out this year and she is bringing her boyf to dinner, which means I’ll have to face those relatives that I haven’t spoken to since recent events all on my own. I just wanna curl up in a wee ball and sleep through it all! Bah humbug

All my Christmases are different depending on where everyone lives at the time... But every other Christmas my dad's side of the family gets together in southwest Virginia. This always involves lots and lots of eating and lots and lots of pies and cakes and cookies, etc. And a huge present-opening ceremony. And arguments about religion and politics - just like I mentioned in a thanksgiving thread - but let's not talk about those, b/c that's no fun.

But the most important tradition is that my dad and his two brothers and my two male cousins all put on cowboy hats and sing together. One of my aunts videotapes the whole thing and they even have dance moves. Some traditional favorites include "Yellow Submarine" and "I saw her standing there." The past few xmases with that side of the family, we've had a competition boys against girls, but the aunts never really participate so "the girls" are me, my 2 sisters, 2 female cousins & a cousin-in-law. We take turns on the stage (floor) singing cover songs and new versions of xmas songs that we write together.

And at some point we have a family trivia game (also boys ag. girls) involving questions about family members made up by the opposing team. My dad and his brothers tend to cheat by coming up with questions about their childhood that we couldn't possibly know the answers to - but when we get them wrong they tell us the stories behind the questions.

So those are the happy things.

I ruined many xmases with being all stressed out and tense (esp during high school) b/c of so much christian right lecturing. And there was that one xmas where my little cousins cried and cried because their parents told them my sisters and I were going to hell. And I totally hated how my aunts did all the cooking and cleaning up while the men "digested" in the living room. And I'll always be stuck at the kids table. But I think things have gotten a little better since then. Or at least I don't care as much.

Other Rituals = attempts to watch Xmas TOTP blocked by arrival of aunt, uncles, cousins etc. 'oh they're here turn off the telly Emma' though one year I left it on. My dad was v. impressed with Two Become One.

Also attempts to watch Xmas Stenders hampered by insane grandparent / father shouting 'is anyone watching this? can't we turn it off?' all the way through till I get huffy and say 'look I don't talk all through Xmas Fools & Horses please respect my viewing choice & shut the fuck up' (only without the swearing).

Actually this thread reminds me of another Christmas Ritual - the Family Boardgame - and there is a thread I must start...

I would have got that!

Chr. Eve: go to dinner party hosted by my friend W. Go out afterwards, see people I knew at school, get very drunk.

Chr. Morning: get woken up by Mother with cup of tea. Find bagful of presents left outside my bedroom door by Father Christmas. Go downstairs, sit round the tree and open presents, with lots more cups of tea. Eat breakfast if feeling well enough.

The next thing used to be a visit to the nursing home to see my gran, but she died the other year. My mum goes to the kitchen and slaves over the dinner, and me and my dad sit around investigating our presents.

After lunch, I get to open my stocking presents. If we remember, we each get to open a random present hanging on the christmas tree (usually different types of chocolate) but we have been known to forget about this. Sometimes we forget for several years in a row, so the present is rather-past-the-Best-Before-date chocolate.

For tea we have trifle, followed by christmas cake. My mum only has a wee slice, because she doesn't actually like christmas cake. Then, we all sit down in front of the telly. "Because it's Christmas", my mum will have a small glass of Drambuie, and my dad will have a can of stout. Just the one, though.

Take her bowling!

Xmas Eve afternoon -- Mom breaks out her copy of _Fellowship of the Ring_ to rewatch in anticipation of tomorrow, I tell her that she really should break down and get a DVD player so she can see the extended version and all.

Xmas Eve -- the family, whatever assorted friends may be around and various relatives get together for a fancy meal somewhere. Yay Carmel and its eight million fancy restaurants.

Later Xmas Eve -- Dad goes to church, possibly to serve as an acolyte. The rest of us thank him for praying for our heathen souls with varying degrees of good natured ribbing.

Xmas morning -- wake up early, shower and shave and get cozy and comfortable, nibble on something to tide us through the morning and go gift happy. My folks, my sister and I (plus my sister's good friend Alexis, visiting this year with us) essentially rotate through the gifts until we're all done. Rock. Lexie the golden Lab gets new Xmas toys that she rapidly proceeds to chew to bits.

Later Xmas morning -- my mom, sister and I decamp to the local theater and watch The Two Towers (for my mom, the first time I'd guess, for my sister maybe the second, for me I'm thinking the fourth), while my dad starts getting the turkey ready.

Xmas evening -- full on turkey dinner joy.

This all works.

The boyfriend is so impatient and will not wait for xmas to open presents so I always have to (a) lie and say I didn't get him anything or (b) actually not get anything for him, if I'm afraid he will find the presents beforehand anyway. Then xmas morning (or the next day) I rush out and buy him things...you can end up saving money b/c of the post-xmas sales.

I never considered drinking champagne all xmas; it seems like rather a good idea. We always made tea or coffee to drink while unwrapping presents in the morning; sometimes my dad would have a tot of cognac in his. I'm an only child, grew up far away from other relatives, atheist family, so holidays were very pleasant low-key affairs. Boyfriend's family is huge and Catholic; been a bit of a change. I kind of like the idea of midnight Mass though, in a very detached atheist way.

Christmas Eve posh preppy affair with my dad's parents. 'Educational' presents, table-top tree, sit-down dinner of ham, gratin potatoes, veg, French Silk pie. Wine with dinner, serious highballs, schnapps for dessert. You had to show impeccable table manners and leave my dad and his dad to play CRIBBAGE for hours. This meant more crap television (although I can remember broadcast of Bowie/Bing 'Little Drummer Boy' and grandfather 'having' to tell Playing Golf with Bing and Bob story) but no dogs to annoy.

When I was 14 I got Boxing Day; my English neighbours invited me, their daughter's best friend, which meant turkey, ham, goose, Battenberg cake, crackers, mulled wine and Dr Wild making us listen to the International Crepitation Competition on tape.

Now: whichever friends in London on the evil day get dinner; mum sends big fat MoneyGram so I can get my gifts in the sales, I go somewhere nice at New Year.

!!! This is wonderful! Here's hoping all goes well. :-)

Christmas day? Haven't decided yet. Probably go pig out on movies...

Go to midnight mass at midnight
get up some time in the morning, put turkey in oven
drink champagne and eat breakfast
pootle around watching telly, listening to radio, doing cooking type things (though I intend to do all the soup, starter, sauces, veg preparation, dessert, etc the day before so I don't actually have to be arsed preparing sprouts and whathaveyou under the influence of booze, so cooking = turkey, gravy + warming stuff up)
eat lunch, drink booze
phone parents and in-laws
watch DOCTOR WHO and Stenders and Corrie whilst drinking booze.
drink more booze
go to the pub, drink even more booze

Note LACK OF PRESENTS! There will be one token present (not of a token though), to appease the husband who doesn't get my "no presents" stance.

Christmas day is for LAZINESS + NICE FOOD + BOOZE.

OTM! Mum came up with a fantastic idea this year, whereby we all buy ourself presents equal to the value of £50 (not a penny more or less - though in all honesty I went a little over) and sit about and open them together and act all "Oh! How did you know!?"

I bought mine weeks ago and am now more excited about opening them than I was as a sprout!

9am wake up to shrill sound of incoming call, exchange festive pleasantries with father, promise to visit him sometime before the summer is out. Fall asleep phone in hand, promptly forget about promise for another year.

10:30 Wake up to sound of flatmate's two kids playing toy recorder and xylophone. Sleep-in and sense of occasion make this bearable for once. Sneak out of room and smuggle presents for the tykes under tree. Distract kids and relieve flatmate with nice, silent craft-projecty presents.

12ish Flatmate/kids go do the Family thing. Resolve to tidy bedroom. Do thoroughly half-arsed job, spend all day online drinking coffee and eating under-ripe plums from the tree outside.

3pm Give up on room. Start on cooking - vegcore curry banquet. get distracted by internet, nearly burn kitchen down. Hide piles of junk in the wardrobe/behind the couch, cursory vacuum, last-minute present wrapping.

6pm Friends arrive, mostly exiles from painful family Xmases. Token gifts exchanged. Sit down to three kinds of curry and more kinds of alcohol. Think how nice it is to hear "how did you make this?" instead of "Are you really going to eat all that?"

9pm Traditional tequila shots and exchange of dirty/embarrasing stories. Underestimate alcohol consumption. Wish bottle-store was open on public holidays.

11pm Fall asleep relatively early and relatively sober.

i think i'm burning down the kitchen again...everything's going to plan!

Jon Solomon's 24 Hour Christmas Show

also, family.

wake up, wait for grandma & grandpa to come over, do presents, have biscuits & sausage gravy breakfast, then take nap.

wake up again, just in time for supper. whee.