Valentine's Day - A Warning

Cards :
I expect that some of you will be giving and/or receiving cards for Valentine’s Day. Please bear in mind that although your card is undoubtedly made from environmentally benign biodegradable material, a small child or a pet could easily eat it and choke so please do not leave it lying around for any length of time. When you have read the slushy sentiments inside, please destroy the card immediately by taking it to an authorised municipal dump. Do not attempt to burn it or cut it up, fires can easily spread and 13 per cent of all domestic accidents involve scissors or other sharp instruments.

Hopefully your card will not have been sent anonymously, because research shows that receiving an unsigned card may cause stress and anxiety, leading in some cases to stroke or cardiac infarct, possibly both.

Also, when you open your card, take great care not to cut your finger on the edge. This could eventuate septicaemia, which if not treated in time might involve amputation.

Flowers:
Do not send flowers to a loved one. She may suffer from a floral allergy. Even if not, she could cut her finger on a thorn, or get stung by something lurking inside the flower. If you are sent flowers and are prepared to accept them despite the risk, ask the delivery person to give the bunch a good shake (hitting the flowers repeatedly against a wall is good) before handing them over. But not before you have asked the deliverer to prove his identity: on Valentine’s Day, criminals may avail themselves of the floral opportunity to burst into your house and maim or kill you, before stealing everything you have.

When putting the flowers in a vase, be sure to turn off the tap afterwards: domestic drowning is on the increase.

NB: Whilst I am of course entirely non-genderist, I am assuming that only women will be sent flowers, since common sense dictates that sending flowers to a man (especially if done anonymously) is really risky – it could trigger either orientation-doubt or perception-fear, each of which could terminally destabilise him.

Champagne:
To be avoided at all costs. Most ocular accidents are caused by champagne corks, the popping of which can also traumatise pets. Chilled drenching can lead to bronchitis, and in many inner-city areas the sudden loud explosion made by a champagne cork ricocheting off the furniture may precipitate an exchange of gunfire between excitable or nervous neighbours. If you do insist on opening a bottle, do not drink it – 12 per cent of all domestic accidents involve walking into the furniture or falling downstairs.

Chocolates :
Never give chocolates. Caffeine accelerates the heart-rate, fats increase cholesterol, sugar creates obesity, Belgium causes 32 per cent of all British cavities, and Pennsylvania causes 26 per cent of all American ones. Once these cavities have been filled, 78 per cent of them when required to chomp enthusiastically on a hazelnut and toffee cluster, will then need to be filled again. Worse, coffee creams (which nobody ever eats) may lie around for so long that the recipient forgets it is a coffee cream, a fact which comes to light only at the post mortem.

Cuddly Toys :
On Valentine’s Day, thousands of unthinking lovers exchange cuddly toy animals. What they exchange them for is their health – 38 per cent of all undiagnosable diseases are found in patients who have gone to bed cuddling a thing consisting of an ersatz outside from Taiwan stuffed with an ersatz inside from Pyongyang. Whilst almost anything can be caught from the outside of these toys, there is almost nothing which cannot be caught from the inside, especially after the outside comes unstitched in the middle of the night and the inside comes out. If you have to give your beloved an animal, make it a real live one – should he or she catch anything nasty from it, a vet will at least have a rough idea what it might be and their chances of survival will therefore be significantly higher.

Candlelit Dinners :
Are you serious? 93 per cent of all domestic conflagrations to which the emergency services are called on February 14th are caused by dingbats leaning across a red-checked tablecloth to kiss one another, bringing two flaming candles in Chianti bottles to the ground where they rapidly roll towards the curtains. Should you be crazy enough to go ahead with a meal like that anyway, for goodness’ sake keep a case of champagne in the room with you. Not for drinking (see above), but for trying to douse the flames while waiting for the fire truck to arrive.

Oh, and by the way – have a happy Valentine’s Day, everyone. :)