so what do you do when your best mate and your 'ex' get together????

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um.....yeah. a lot more to this but i cant be bothered, so please just go to town on it, minus details and can i get back to you later?

― does it matter?, Monday, 10 February 2003 07:46 (twenty-three years ago)

laugh it up! if you're still crazy about her maybe try to get a lil sloppy seconds action going. there are a million country songs about this delimma.

― James Blount (James Blount), Monday, 10 February 2003 07:49 (twenty-three years ago)

There was a thread like this not very long ago. My answer there was basically "Acknowledge that they're both cockfarmers, cut your losses, and try not to be too bitter about it."

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 10 February 2003 07:49 (twenty-three years ago)

Prepare for the fact that each of them probably has dirt on you the other doesn't, which in an everything-else-is-amicable situation (i.e., you're on good terms with the ex but don't have residual "I'd like to get back together" feelings, there wasn't any weirdness about them getting together and hiding it from you, etc.) would probably be the strangest and longest-lasting consequence.

― Tep (ktepi), Monday, 10 February 2003 07:52 (twenty-three years ago)

go after several of his exes and if they give you any heat say 'but so-and-so (your mate) said I could!'; if you do succeed with any of his exes regale him with stories of your lovemaking and then ask him for stories about him and your ex and after he's done say 'well that story sucked'

― James Blount (James Blount), Monday, 10 February 2003 07:54 (twenty-three years ago)

wait until friend gets a new hubby and make sure u hit that shit!!

― Vic (Vic), Monday, 10 February 2003 08:03 (twenty-three years ago)

I retract my boring and obvious answer. Blount and Vic are OTM.

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Monday, 10 February 2003 08:10 (twenty-three years ago)

Also, make sure you call ex up and, if ex hopefully doesnt know that you know about them, say "oh btw, did I tell you that _friend_ had herpes a while back ?" Then call friend up, and say you found out...but say you don't mind, it's just an ex, and that friend has your blessings, and make sure you drop how much ex loves oral sex and is good at it.

then just make yourself some popcorn and see what happens!

― Vic (Vic), Monday, 10 February 2003 08:17 (twenty-three years ago)

haha vic and james' answers are funny. but if i were you, i'd take the moral highground. they've acted so insensitively to you that i'd just say fuck 'em, cut them out of your life and just concentrate on being the best person you can be. cos success is the best revenge.

― di smith (lucylurex), Monday, 10 February 2003 08:32 (twenty-three years ago)

BOR-RING!

go after his mom/sister/both

― James Blount (James Blount), Monday, 10 February 2003 08:43 (twenty-three years ago)

but what if they were your 2 best friends still, in the whole fucking world?

― does it matter?, Monday, 10 February 2003 08:54 (twenty-three years ago)

ooh, that's tough - my advice then would be to avoid being around them when they're together and make you're discomfort known non-verbally if either party tries to talk about their relationship in front of you. I say non-verbally because if you actually say 'I have problems with this' then it'll become 'an issue which must be dealt with' and what'll probably eventually happen is you don't see nearly as much of your friends as you used to and your friends will feel awful but hey the heart doesn't know from logic, etc. etc. my advice is to try to find a way to live with it without having to actively live with it and with time they'll either break up, you'll meet someone new, you'll realize 'gee maybe I wasn't that crazy about him/her to begin with', etc. somehow you'll acclimate.

― James Blount (James Blount), Monday, 10 February 2003 09:03 (twenty-three years ago)

If they were your two best friends in the world REALLY, they wouldn't have done this. And the person who was your best friend is the one who's getting sloppy seconds, from what I can see here.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 10 February 2003 09:25 (twenty-three years ago)

love is complicated

― James Blount (James Blount), Monday, 10 February 2003 09:25 (twenty-three years ago)

But convenience and proximity are not.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 10 February 2003 09:28 (twenty-three years ago)

it is complicated, and what has happened between them might be very real.

but this does not stop you being hurt, and perhaps feeling betrayed as well. i think my answer would be to cry, sadly. but then, after that, i think what you have to do is, not cut them out of your life if you can help it. but kind of downgrade them, not as punishment, but because they are going to be people whos presence is hurtful and difficult in your life for a while. make them less important, realise that other friend you like is still hella cool. you still want to keep them because you have said they are your best friends. if you want this, and even if you dont, you have to start hanging around with your other friends more, making new friends, and looking in other directions for life. you have to be busy sometimes when either of them call, because youve got all these other cool things going on. none of this is easy, but it does come down to "go and do great things", you can actually use things like this as a catalyst, it is when you are sad that it can act as a jolt, like, "no, im going to go and do THIS great thing i was chicken to do before". move to chile, do something!

or, alternatively hit on their mum/dad/daughter/husband etc etc etc;)

― gareth (gareth), Monday, 10 February 2003 09:54 (twenty-three years ago)

I feel it's bad form of exes to use your friends as a reservoir for new mates.

My exes do not feel that it is bad form.

― DV (dirtyvicar), Monday, 10 February 2003 10:07 (twenty-three years ago)

Thing is, if you've been telling your best friend about the relationship you had with the ex (because there are things best friends tell each other that they don't tell sex partners) it's going to feel a mite invasive if that person then goes off in pursuit of the ex after giving you tea and sympathy about it.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 10 February 2003 10:45 (twenty-three years ago)

thing is, this actually happened to a friend of mine, but it wasn't with his ex, it was with his still-current-best-friend-he-slept-with (female), and his male best friend, when all 3 were sharing a bed in some hotel. but the thing is, since he somewhat felt attracted to the male friend too, he felt just a lil' bit TURNED ON by it at the same time as being sadly shocked, at hearing their groans. can u imagine your heart breaking, at the same time that you are getting ooh-ooh-aoused? the world is v strane for some

― Vic (Vic), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:32 (twenty-three years ago)

If it's all amicable, live with it and let time heal your wounds. Things may never be the same with either, or you and your ex might feel that the lack of pressure of being a couple improves your friendship no end. Happened to me.

― Mark C (Mark C), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:33 (twenty-three years ago)

i was once the 'best mate' in this scenario, but the couple were six years broken up so by that stage there was no ill feeling..

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:36 (twenty-three years ago)

haha it looks like im mocking suzy wih my "thing is" starting my post, but im not, i swear

― Vic (Vic), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:37 (twenty-three years ago)

Gareth is right; Chile is where all the best microhouse is coming from. Half the fucking Perlon roster is from there!

― M Matos (M Matos), Monday, 10 February 2003 11:42 (twenty-three years ago)

This has happened to me twice now (one instance of which resulted in them getting married, I believe, although I am now not in touch) and both times it has sorted me completely out. It's like, well if she's not going to be with me, at least she's with someone who will treat her well and not be a twat to her. There's nothing worse than seeing someone you still care about being treated shittily by some fucking idiot who doesn't realise what he has.

― SittingPretty (sittingpretty), Monday, 10 February 2003 12:37 (twenty-three years ago)

I've tried to answer this thread three times, and every time my boss has come over with something for me to do, so I'll take that as a sign that I should not contribute, even though it's happened to me more times than is funny.

Depends on the situation, really. If you have a mate that MAKES A HABIT OF IT, then destroy with extreme prejudice. If it's just a better fit between them and then end up getting married, then try to be happy for them. Even if it's weird.

― kate, Monday, 10 February 2003 12:42 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeah, the one time it happened to me I later discovered the 'best friend' in question had basically tried it on with every man I'd ever told her I might be interested in, not to mention every man I had slept with to that date. It was basically her cue to go to Man X and tell him I was an obsessed freak (pretty foolproof: it's not like a guy is going to go back to a female acquaintance and say, 'your best friend called you an obsessed freak about me before she offered me a fuck' - too complicated and embarrassing) even though there was no truth in it. I've no idea how many people treat me in a circumspect manner because of the lies she told about me; I'm not about to go asking male friends what those lies were a few years after the fact.

Only one of the ex/potential suitors ever said yes, and would up getting the kind of seat sores you can expect from a ride on the town bike. And the girl? The grapevine's gone quiet on that one - but I don't want to know.

― suzy (suzy), Monday, 10 February 2003 13:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Does this have to be a problem at all? I can see how it could be, but I can easily envisage circumstances where this is in no sense a bad thing, and it's not hard to picture it as a good thing, sometimes. I'm not denying bad feelings over it or anything, just saying that we seem to be only seeing one side.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Monday, 10 February 2003 18:49 (twenty-three years ago)

I just got through with a relationship and I wish the ex HAD a friend that I could hook up with. That would make things much more dramatic and exciting, and would probably make me feel a lot better for getting stomped on. If that's what's going on with your situation, "does it matter?," then I'm gonna suggest that your ex is still holding onto some feelings for you and is trying to make you feel bad by hooking up with your buddy. And you should probably punch her for that. If that's not what's going on, then you should express your distaste with the situation and leave it at that. You can't really control your own life, much less other peoples'.

― captain opinion, Monday, 10 February 2003 19:13 (twenty-three years ago)

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