Obvious Small-Talk Questions

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(Nick, haven't I asked this before?)

This thread is a tutorial appendix to the "making friends" thread, though I assume it will be edifying to a whole lot more of us than just G. Okay: you're just standing there in silence with someone you don't know. What are your favorite conversation-enabling questions and/or statements?

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:39 (twenty-three years ago)

Complete silence. See my answer over there.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:42 (twenty-three years ago)

*LONG AND TERRIBLE SILENCE*

― mark s (mark s), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:43 (twenty-three years ago)

WELL WHY DON'T YOU APPLY THAT SILENCE TO THIS THREAD THEN YOU BASTARDS THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A HELPFUL TUTORIAL SUGGESTIONS THING TO HELP G AND REALLY ALL OF US IN OUR VARIOUS QUESTS TO BE INTERESTING TO OTHERS

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:44 (twenty-three years ago)

FOR EXAMPLE

1. So how long have you lived in town?

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Hey, Have you seen (input movie or band here)? I'm thinking of going to see it/them...

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:45 (twenty-three years ago)

"So what do you do?" usually works for me.

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:46 (twenty-three years ago)

"good christ above is it COLD"

weather is a cliche because it WORKS.

― g.cannon (gcannon), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:47 (twenty-three years ago)

We're helping him by expressing solidarity.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:47 (twenty-three years ago)

Is it true that in France "What do you do?" is considered an insulting question to ask when you first meet someone?

Two other suggestions:

(1) Do you have a light?
(2) Would you like a cigarette?

Never-ever make a comment about the music that's playing in the bar. House parties, it's more acceptable.

NB: I am terrible at this.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:49 (twenty-three years ago)

yo, where the bars at?

woah, you're from sheffield/newcastle/baltimore/cairo/boise too? mental (only works if in different place from accent, also kind of helpful if you have that accent)

is it true what they say about this class? i heard xyz (only works if in tutorial type arrangement)

yo you got any smokes?

hey man, i'm, like, from england, not the valley, OH. MY. GOD. why is he typing like that? that is so 02! i know, he thinks he is so awesome but, like, oh no, they should do something about that. yea dude, that'd rock!

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:49 (twenty-three years ago)

(Girls are always asking me for cigs but I never ask girls for cigs, is that typical?)

― Amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:50 (twenty-three years ago)

yes

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:50 (twenty-three years ago)

how about that there sports team?

are you at home Gareth?

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:51 (twenty-three years ago)

Small talk is all about trying to subtly find some common ground. Thus you ask questions about the person's job, residence, schooling, origin, hobbies, and so forth, in hopes of being able to follow up with a statement of the form, "Oh, I ____ too!"

That is the theory as I understand it. I'm pitiful at small talk though.

"That's a nice ____!" also works, used judiciously.

― Paul Eater (eater), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:51 (twenty-three years ago)

im at woik, but ill be taking the path home anytime soon. (shoot me somebody please, i cant remember what nationality i am anymore)

word

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:52 (twenty-three years ago)

The best things to talk about are things you pick up about the other person, and that you can ask them about. Notice how this requires paying attention to the other person instead of yourself. Once you get the knack of this it's easy because people love anwering questions about themselves, it makes them feel like celebrities.

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:52 (twenty-three years ago)

In Chicago this time of year, complimenting people on their scarves is a good habit.

Tracer is OTM.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:53 (twenty-three years ago)

yes tracer and ed are right!

1. ask. ask. ask.

2. football. gee, how about those knicks? (er, i mean, charlton athletic)

― gareth (gareth), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:54 (twenty-three years ago)

Yeah, I always feel rude about "what do you do" as well: for a lot of people it's a high-pressure question to answer, fraught with all sorts of success/failure and life-plan and class issues.

"Christ is it cold" works well in Chicago, yes, because it really does get cold to the point where you're not just "making conversation," you're noting a newsworthy life-threatening horror.

Questions about the sorts of food people like are good. If you wind up eating with someone you can usually get a good 15 minutes out of what foods people have and have not enjoyed over their lifetimes, plus all sorts of extensions into their daily habits.

Believe Tracer about his question-asking, he's really good at that.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:55 (twenty-three years ago)

Tracer is a genius. Many women respond enthusiastically to questions about the amazing shoes that they're wearing. Try it!

― dan (dan), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:56 (twenty-three years ago)

"That Tracer is the best!"
"Really? What's he like?"
"I have no idea, but he asked me about the Scissor Girls!"

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:56 (twenty-three years ago)

(Scissor Girls really works in these parts. A pity I dislike them.)

Fancy a Chicago miniFAP this week? This thread makes me want to head to bar and conduct some field research.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:58 (twenty-three years ago)

"Hey, where'd you get that shirt/hat/haircut, etc., it looks great." Most people don't mind this sort of flattery/inquiry.

Well, while I was typing this, everyone else seems to have mentioned this tactic. Darn.

― Arthur (Arthur), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:58 (twenty-three years ago)

On another thread I suggested "hey that's a very nice ___" but everyone said "no, that will creep people out!"

(Right right, Amateurist -- busy tomorrow but possibly Thursday? Do you like Herbert? He will be at Smart Bar on I think Thursday: we could probably round up Sterling for that and possibly Kerry.)

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Is there a reason no one's suggested "How are you?".

(I mean obviously it only makes sense with already-acquaintances, buit apart from that...)

― Graham (graham), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 17:59 (twenty-three years ago)

Apart from that, it's an all-time classic.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:00 (twenty-three years ago)

(I have class Thurs, plans Fri--maybe Saturday?)

― Amateurist (amateurist), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"Hey - you look just like someone I used to go out with!"

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:01 (twenty-three years ago)

The approach suggested by Miss Manners was to find some topic about which you could ask for advice, since people are flattered (and sometimes willing to talk at lengths) when asked for advice.

"Oh, you work in *fill in the blank*? My friend is trying to get started in that. Perhaps I could ask you a few questions over coffee? It would be awfully helpful."

"Oh, you're fond of *movie director, band, artist*? What are your favorites? I'm not too familiar with him - what would you suggest?"

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:02 (twenty-three years ago)

[I kind of said that as a joke, but it would actually work on me, in that I wouldn't be freaked out and is a good conversation starter. Obviously, it's not so good if you don't fancy the person and just want to chat]

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:02 (twenty-three years ago)

"How are you?" is just a given: you say it and they say "fine" but it doesn't really ramp into an actual conversation. "How are you" and "fine" are like walking up to the edge of the pool and looking in; you could just say "great" and walk away, but instead you need to hop on in.

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:07 (twenty-three years ago)

ha, Nabisco i have a suspicion my Scissors Girls questions were designed to let me tell MY story, that is typical behavior for me and my personal bugaboo

graham too inspecific!!! start with noticing a person graham. i know it sounds incredibly patronizing but it really is actually very hard to do in a social situation, especially if there's a slightly fraught anxiety at work. the cuffs on their shirts. that's what i always start with. if no cuffs then, you know, i check out their boobs. ha just kidding. a necklace? what color are their eyes? are they carrying books? that is the most BASIC level. from there you can start noticing more intangible things like their attitude, or what it seems like they're trying to get out of the situation. all without saying a word, if you like. but the key here is: remove your attention from yourself and lightly place it on them. if you can get successful at this they will do most of the "work" for you!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:07 (twenty-three years ago)

"So, have you always had that big, fleshy thing hanging off the nether side of your nose? Oh wait, is that your head?"

After that, you improvise.

― Aimless, Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:12 (twenty-three years ago)

See also:

"You look like just like my brother!"
"You look just like my mother!"
"You look just like the woman I have been wanking over in a magazine!"
"You look just like Carol Smillie!"
"You look just like me!"

The beauty of these, as with the requests for a cigarette and possibly the comments on shoes is that they do not necessarily signify that the person has self-consciously thought about saying something to open a conversation - if delivered naturally they sound like a 'notice->say' thing, which you can just happen to be followed with a gregarious 'hey, might as well carry on talking - I'm that kind of guy' routine. Which is nerve calming for both parties. Maybe for some people they genuinely *do* come naturally. Make it look like you are the kind of person who has little time for the stranger-friend distinction. This will *NOT* work if you have been skulking in a corner looking shifty for the past 15 minutes. Strike quickly.

All this is specifically about opening gambits, of course. Small talk covers more than that, and is even employed with people you do know.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:14 (twenty-three years ago)

Oh sorry, I didn't realize those were YOUR boobies!

― Horace Mann (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:15 (twenty-three years ago)

'Hey, my future ex-wife'

― Ed (dali), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:15 (twenty-three years ago)

(Nick I appreciate your suggestions here because they are pretty ambitious ones. I don't think they're very good for anyone who typically has problems with this sort of thing, but I like them. Lately I like conversational gambits that are impressive to pull off.)

― nabisco (nabisco), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:22 (twenty-three years ago)

this is all starting to sound a bit "10 Guaranteed Seduction Techniques"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:26 (twenty-three years ago)

Related (not recommended):
http://www.foundmagazine.com/fotw/012603.html

― Ernest P. (ernestp), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:29 (twenty-three years ago)

THERE ARE 10 GUARANTEED SEDUCTION TECHNIQUES?

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:29 (twenty-three years ago)

Apples in stereo aren't a great subject for small talk

― jel -- (jel), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:33 (twenty-three years ago)

I've been living in Bristol for four months now. The question being used on me by my colleaguse (& by me on them) the most is 'so where are you living?' which may be accompanied by 'so which way are you walking?'

― alext (alext), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:41 (twenty-three years ago)

Is this while you are walking?

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:44 (twenty-three years ago)

Nick's got the hang of it!

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 18:57 (twenty-three years ago)

There is always something around to comment on: the computers in the lab, what the lecturer said just now, how you're doing on an assignment, the weather, music playing, waiting for public transport, odd and interesting and unusual things and people everywhere. Besides this, the key is to be actually interested in the person, therefore noticing which things energise and which don't.

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 23:25 (twenty-three years ago)

"I sure do hate the French! ...You?"

― Millar (Millar), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 23:30 (twenty-three years ago)

haha.

people love to talk about themselves, just ask open questions and away you go.

― donna (donna), Tuesday, 11 February 2003 23:40 (twenty-three years ago)

"Please discuss yourself."

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 00:00 (twenty-three years ago)

"Compare and contrast me and you, giving examples where necessary"

― N. (nickdastoor), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 00:02 (twenty-three years ago)

Skipping 25 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

So, have you seen the movie Orgazmo?...

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:37 (twenty-three years ago)

yeah, I think so.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:49 (twenty-three years ago)

No, you haven't. If you had you would know for sure.

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:50 (twenty-three years ago)

"Orgazmo" is the second-most underrated movie of all time (the most underrated being "Office Space").

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:52 (twenty-three years ago)

It's those guys from South Park, isn't it? I get it a bit confused with Baseketball. But, yeah, I've seen it.

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:52 (twenty-three years ago)

Dan Perry's post is the second-most overstated post of all time (the first being this one).

― Amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:53 (twenty-three years ago)

Errr.. That was supposed to be a conversation starter. I guess it would be good to have something ready as a follow-up to the question...

― Sarah McLusky (coco), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:54 (twenty-three years ago)

"No, is that kinda like Russian Ark?"

― Amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:55 (twenty-three years ago)

"Orgazmo" is the second-most underrated movie of all time

He's right you know. The theme song alone!

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:55 (twenty-three years ago)

how did you rate the film as social commentary? Is it allegoric?

― jel -- (jel), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:55 (twenty-three years ago)

"Have you seen 'Orgazmo'?"
"No."
"Oh. Um... Wanna see my boobies?"

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 19:58 (twenty-three years ago)

"Does my bum look big in this?" works for me.

― chris sallis, Wednesday, 12 February 2003 20:16 (twenty-three years ago)

I get it a bit confused with Baseketball.

Baseketball! Haha that movie RULES! (nb: I have never seen it.)

― Jody Beth Rosen (Jody Beth Rosen), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 20:19 (twenty-three years ago)

"My dear woman, could I tempt you to some intercourse?"

― luna (luna.c), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 20:52 (twenty-three years ago)

Sarah is onto something: notice how a conversation about Orgazmo started up almost immediately?

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:50 (twenty-three years ago)

"so.... code orange, huh?"

― Tracer Hand (tracerhand), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:51 (twenty-three years ago)

Sarah is onto something: notice how a conversation about Orgazmo started up almost immediately?

By that standard nabisco "Can you help me parse on of Robert Christgau's sentences?" would be the hottest pick-up line in the English-speaking world.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:53 (twenty-three years ago)

Superfluous "of".

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:54 (twenty-three years ago)

I'm making up for Jody's lack thereof ("lack there...of" get it?) on the P&J02 thread.

― Amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 22:56 (twenty-three years ago)

Amateurist if you hung around English departments showing people that sentence and asking opinions you would quickly have a really large crowd around you.

― nabisco (nabisco), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 23:03 (twenty-three years ago)

But people in college English departments don't speak English!

― Amateurist (amateurist), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 23:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Amateurist if you hung around English departments showing people that sentence and asking opinions you would quickly have a really large crowd around you.

Yeah, and everyone knows the English department is where you find all the sweet trim.

― Super Offensive Man (Dan Perry), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 23:05 (twenty-three years ago)

Asking about the other person is indeed key to initiating conversations. Yet strictly talking about yourself is a killer. I have been on dates like this, where I'm convinced I could leave the room for two hours and the girl wouldn't even notice. She'd just keep blah blah blahing.

― bnw (bnw), Wednesday, 12 February 2003 23:05 (twenty-three years ago)

two months pass...

I was introduced to a couple guys at a Latin dance party recently. One of them soon asked me what I do (what my job is, that is), which is not a favorite subject. They both turned out to be professors. I felt a curious combination of feeling lower in status (I am merely a public librarian, they are professors), and at the same time not being interested in talking to them to begin with (I am here to dance: where are the women? why is A. leaving me here to talk to these guys?). One of my favorite songs came on and I committed the unimaginably rude act of simply walking away from them to find someone to dance with. The music was too loud for much in the way of conversation anyway.

― Rockist Scientist, Sunday, 11 May 2003 22:13 (twenty-three years ago)

"Check out the rack on that one!"

― miloauckerman (miloauckerman), Sunday, 11 May 2003 23:03 (twenty-three years ago)

Hmmm "whats your story?" can come across as a bit of an insult in aust slang, if its said in the same tone as "whats your problem?" (or "whats your damage?" if you are a valley girl in an american teen flick, heh). I spose if said cutely it could work.

I am hopeless at talknig to strangers, I like to know a bit about someone so I have something to say, so its a catch22! Weather feels horribly cliched, but it and public transport or traffic seem to be the easy fallbacks ("so, which road did you take to get here" or "man that number 8 tram is shit slow" always works for me... god I am boring).

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 11 May 2003 23:18 (twenty-three years ago)

one month passes...

I think we should all try an experiment wherein we pick a thread title and try to use it as an opening line to a convo with strangers.

Tomorrow, mine will be, "When was the last time you threw up?"

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 3 July 2003 04:24 (twenty-two years ago)

"Maybe I'm in the wrong place, but ... Teach me to be cool?"

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 3 July 2003 04:25 (twenty-two years ago)

"Maybe I'm in the wrong place, but ... Teach me to be cool?"

I'm saving that for when a comics convention comes to town.

― jewelly (jewelly), Thursday, 3 July 2003 04:28 (twenty-two years ago)

"Erm...don't you know a more TECHNICAL way of doing that??"

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 3 July 2003 04:38 (twenty-two years ago)

"Do all romantics meet the same fate someday?"

― electric sound of jim (electricsound), Thursday, 3 July 2003 04:40 (twenty-two years ago)

"What are you -- heh heh -- wearing right now?"

― Ally (mlescaut), Thursday, 3 July 2003 04:40 (twenty-two years ago)

start with noticing a person graham. i know it sounds incredibly patronizing but it really is actually very hard to do in a social situation, especially if there's a slightly fraught anxiety at work. the cuffs on their shirts. that's what i always start with. if no cuffs then, you know, i check out their boobs. ha just kidding. a necklace? what color are their eyes? are they carrying books? that is the most BASIC level. from there you can start noticing more intangible things like their attitude, or what it seems like they're trying to get out of the situation.

this requires volition?

what if you're actually really interested in everyone but think that asking them questions is going to be less successful at drawing information than observation or listening to their reaction to others? or if you're skeptical about the possibility of surprise? what interests are being served?

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Thursday, 3 July 2003 04:58 (twenty-two years ago)

"Say something interesting about this children's poem."

(fellow café-goers shuffle away from me)

― s1utsky (slutsky), Thursday, 3 July 2003 05:03 (twenty-two years ago)

when I was in college I was crushing hard on this woman friend of mine and thought, unaccountably, that if I got loaded at the party we were attending that I would find those majick words that would work with her. sadly, it just turned me into a moronic fule, as I babbled away about something and her worst fears were realized.

friend #2 (whom I was also crushing on) walked up and said hi, and I slurred "The woman of my dreams just walked away. You wanna dance?"

she didn't hit me, so I fell for and eventually married her.

― Neudonym, Thursday, 3 July 2003 05:09 (twenty-two years ago)

OK, so I hit the random button and got this:

"I need a photo of Max Wall by midnight, 'cos that's when my Dutch girlfriend will be leaving in a taxi for home"

Could kind of provoke jealousy and interest.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 3 July 2003 11:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Took five goes to get another candidate:

"Citizen Kane, then..."

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 3 July 2003 11:16 (twenty-two years ago)

btw I'm not actually going to use these on strangers, because I am chicken. I might use them on friends. though.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 3 July 2003 11:24 (twenty-two years ago)

Neudonym, best story ever.
the line i like to use is "who are you here with?" but then, it's ok to be more forward as a girl hitting on a guy then vice versa. also, i'm probably biased towards this line cos so often when i hit on guys, they turn out to be gay or have a girlfriend; this line usually gets that info out in the open straightaway.

― praying mantis (praying mantis), Thursday, 3 July 2003 14:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Would you put my cat to sleep?

― doom-e, Thursday, 3 July 2003 14:43 (twenty-two years ago)

damn. no. it would be accusing 'DID YOU PUT MY CAT TO SLEEP' followed by 'OMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT'.

― doom-e, Thursday, 3 July 2003 14:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I usually find that "So, how do you know ::host/person who introduced us::?" or "How did you come to be here?" to be good ice breakers.

These days, though, I just throw HSA at them because he is so gregarious it makes up for me being so shy.

― kate (kate), Thursday, 3 July 2003 14:48 (twenty-two years ago)

but what happened to your cat? OMIGOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I JUST SAID THAT! bahahaa..

― doom-e, Thursday, 3 July 2003 14:49 (twenty-two years ago)

What's the most unacceptable thing to come out of your ass?

― Martin Skidmore (Martin Skidmore), Thursday, 3 July 2003 16:41 (twenty-two years ago)

"do you need your cat to be put to sleep. Cause i can do that you know, with my bare hands .. "

― doom-e, Thursday, 3 July 2003 16:42 (twenty-two years ago)

OMIGOD DID I JUST SAY THAT *stand around looking shocked for minutes*

― doom-e, Thursday, 3 July 2003 16:43 (twenty-two years ago)

"What's the longest you've gone without a wank?"

― luna (luna.c), Thursday, 3 July 2003 16:43 (twenty-two years ago)

"Oh no! FITE! Oh nooo!"

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 3 July 2003 16:55 (twenty-two years ago)

I've seriously gotten into some great conversations with strangers via randomly uttered Simpsons quotes. Fr'instance: "Ah, beer the cause of and solution to all life's problems" at a bar next to a girl as we both ordered beers just last week led to us discussing the dual creative/destructive nature of the Universe of all things! If a girl recognizes & reacts appropriately to a Simpsons ref, that's at least one thing going right. If she and I can carry on from that into an actual conversation, then hot diggitty dog it's on!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Thursday, 3 July 2003 17:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm not sure I fancy girls who recognise Simpsons quotes.

― N. (nickdastoor), Thursday, 3 July 2003 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

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