do extremely painful, searing rejections/separations from loved ones, as well a host of any other mondo disappointments, really make any "stronger," or is that just another rubbish cliche we delude o

haha really make US stronger, but at this point you've come to expect such gaffes from me, hopefully

if you work on whatever reason it was that got you ditched, maybe THAT will make you feel stronger?

I thought the cliche went, if you are able to move on and somehow live with the rejection, you've come out a "stronger" person

By which people seem to mean colder and meaner and less capable of love. Going out w/people, at ALL, c/d? Overall? Seems duddish...

No, it's bullshit. Learning to deal with rejection in yer *professional* (or artistic or whatever) career is classic, because it toughens you and hardens you and makes you more eager and dedicated and devoted to your end goal, if you survive it, you come out of the experience believing more strongly in yourself.

In a romantic sense, or in other relationship senses i.e. family or loved ones, it is total dud. The more rejection you receive, the more likely you are to turn it in upon yourself, blame yourself for your own failures, become bitter and twisted, or even worse, NEEDY, and eventually, you come to expect failure so deeply that you almost force it to happen through a self fulfilling prophecy. If at first you don't succeed with a relationship, crawl back under the table and never come out again unless someone else chases you, because otherwise you will START TO BE LIKE ME and no one would ever want that. Ever. :-(

OK, now I'm really depressed.

The heart only breaks to grow bigger.

"I broke a bone, when I was seven, didn't set properly, so they broke it again, doctors break bones to heal them right, like I break my heart over you every night."

It's bullshit, you know. Total bullshit.

Well yes, that's a rubbish rhyme. But I think it's better to be able to feel something than to feel nothing. That's the worst.

Kate OTM - except that I've lately started to crawl out gradually from under that table :-)

Professional? Only in the sense that in my "professional" career (NHS) I was rejected at a key stage, and rather than depress me it knocked me into reality, i.e. forced me to realise that this was the wrong career for me and that I needed to do something else. Still extricating myself from the original career, of course.

Felicity: otm about being able to feel something. I have felt more hurt that I am now in a very long time, but I am also feeling quite alive. It's as if all of the vulnerability right now IS giving me a weird sense of strength, just because you know, it's like my body is shaking, I feel quite shaken up all over, but I'm experiencing my real feelings a lot more. I haven't felt this emotional in over a month. I feel so vulnerable, but it's like there's a spark going through my body - I'm glowing inside. I wish I could have felt more "alive" through positive emotions, instead of ones that came from a heartbreaking experience.

If at first you don't succeed with a relationship, crawl back under the table and never come out again

Maybe using the word "never" is too strong, but this is unfortunately the only real option for me, but it's almost as I've been cornered into it, if I want to maintain any dignity in my eyes. Also, it's not exactly a matter of cowardice; I think it has to do with self-respect. Aside from avoiding the person in order to emotionally recuperate, if you settle for being patient with them and "at their mercy," for when the relationship will continue, and just accept the (unreciprocal) terms with which they're defining the relationship, then aren't you selling yourself short? Shouldn't everyone deserve better? Or is reciprocity just a luxrious ideal these days, since few relationships are truly based on an equal footing?

I also agree with kate in the sense that if you get rejected or separated from someone you love, it doesn't really give you an advantage in future relationships. If anything, it makes it harder to *trust* people in an intimate way again, if you trusted the person a whole lot...and especially if you had major trust issues to begin with. Where does the "strength" kick in?

I'd say that repeatedly dealing with love-rejection, over and over again, isn't particularly "educational," but I wouldn't trade the experience of my last two breakups for anything, and they were excruciatingly painful. Knowing that I could come through the other side of something that awful...I don't know if I can articulate what it was that I gained from that experience, but I feel like I grew, in a good way, from them. Especially the last one, which was exactly related to a very prolonged yes-we-will o-no-we-won't rejection, from which I learned that romanticizing risky interpersonal situations as "exciting" etc. is not just bullshit but total, utter bullshit.

I dunno, my psychologist dude said to me that spending 9 hours on Sunday totally freaking out, going round in circles about current love interest was far better than previous Sundays where I've been totally freaking out, going round in circles about nothing.

I reckon the saying is bullshite.

Gee, thanks for insulting my rhyme, Felicity. Not only do you disagree with me, but you think my lyrics are rubbish, too.

The more you get yer heart broken, the LESS likely you are to feel love, and the MORE likely you are to feel pain. That becomes a kind of numbness in and of itself.

In my experience, I am finding that rejection from friends, excuse me, "friends," (ya know, the people who are always supposed to be there for you and even supposed to support you when you complain about usually ephemeral-by-comparison subjects like love interests), is more painful, and somehow feels more like a betrayal, than if it was just coming out of something romantic.

i wish there was some other sort of glue, aside from Bitterness Glue, with which to mend a torn heart. sorry for starting one of the most self-pitying threads evah

i think friend-rejection can be harder also: for some reason we have like a tidal wave of cultural material dealing with "how to cope with sundered love", but next to nothing on "when buddies suddenly say go"

i think negative experiences like this CAN make you stronger as a person and i'm disappointed by the dominant cynicism here - i feel stronger as a result of getting through a more general feeling of rejection and 'lostness' when i was younger but i guess this is different from losing someone you love or have a particular emotional attachment of or fixation to - i have yet to lose anyone on that kind of level either by accident or design, i've never been dumped but then i never had anyone to dump me until fairly recently - which is worse really?

I think they make you stronger up to a certain pain threshold and after that they fuck you up.

I wouldnt say stronger is the right word. i tend to oscillate between "desensitized" and "more competant" (not "stronger"). i am really not sure anymore. it has been some time since i have been rejected, as i have not even asked someone on a date for a long time.

vic i went through a similar experience once where i had such an intense attachment to someone that when my final rejection came through, i felt invigorated. sometimes, strong emotions can become like a weight, i guess.

It's made me way too picky, to the point where I never get crushes on anyone anymore. Is that "stronger"? It's pretty dud, whatever it is. Kate, I like that lyric a lot.

I apologize for insulting your lyrics, Kate. I did not know they were yours. I was confused by what you meant by "bullshit." I thought you were disclaiming belief in what you wrote. If those are sincere sentiments then I like the lyrics.

As far as disagreeing with you, I think that your answer is right for you and that my answer is right for me.