What sitcom would you write?

(From the PA outside)
Hector: “And now, I bring you the Varlarian Show Group, and “Hawaii Holiday!!!”

(In the dressing room)
Gary: “He says that like it’s his show!”
Liz: “It is.”
Judy: “STOP! He’s introduced Hawaii!!! It’s the Rock and Roll show! (throws shoe) Bryan!! BRYAN!!!”
(Bryan enters the dressing room)
Bryan: “Right, we’ve got 30 seconds to change to the Hawaii Holiday. Gary, you’re dressed reasonably safe, just take your trousers off and look like you’re in Waikiki!”
Philip: “Hold up, I’m dressed as a chicken!”
Bryan: “We’ve got ten minutes until you’re on, I’ll think of something. Liz, grab those coconuts!”
Liz: “And do what with them?”
Bryan: “Improvise! I dunno! Go on Gary, you’re on! Hang on, you can’t go on commando!”
Gary: “I wasn’t going to! I’ve found the grass skirt. I’ll have to keep the long coat.”
Bryan: “OK, pretend it’s raining or something.”
Liz: “OK, I’ve got the other skirt, we can do this one together Gary. Me in my silk shirt, and you in a long coat. This is going to be beautiful.”
(They both leave.)
Judy: “Well, I don’t care. I’m doing Willie and the hand jive, whatever music is on when I am”
Philip: “Right, can I say something? (calmly)Tonight is a disaster, right? So there’s no point in getting overstressed, we aint dancing our way out of this one. So, let’s do as best we can, and laugh about it later. Sez Philip, dressed as a chicken, live at the Valarian show group.”
Bryan: “Right, give me those cigarettes! I don’t trust you anymore.”

(later)

From the PA outside:
Hector: “Ladies and gentlemen, give them a big hand! Hawaii at Easter!”
(Everyone re-enters the empty dressing room)
Bryan: “Oh, and Phil, you’re supposed to be a Robin. Rockin’ Robin, get it?”
Phil: “But robins don’t lay eggs.”
Bryan: “That’s got nothing to do with it. It’s the song in the Rock and Roll show.”
Liz: “Well, I’m glad he said it. Hawaii at Eastertime.”
Bryan: “Yeah, I guess so. At least, that’ll be the last time we do the Hawaii show. They’ll never have that one on again.”
Judy: “Oh, god, I am so sorry. Did I look really stupid?”
Bryan: “No, no, Willie and the hand jive just seemed to work on top of the Banana boat song. (amazed) I have no idea why, but there it is.”
Gary: “I need a drink.”
Philip: “So do I”
Bryan: “Hang on, what do you mean, robins don’t lay eggs! Course they do!”
Philip: “Not for easter they don’t”
Bryan: “What, they stop laying eggs for the whole of easter? Out of respect or something?”
Gary: “Ah whatever. You getting changed Phil?”
Philip: “No, I don’t want to be recognised”

(later, early morning, walking down the street outside)
Philip: “Well, it just meant I didn’t have to shell out for drinks”
Gary: “You mean, you did that on purpose?”
Philip: “I’m not totally dense you know!”
Gary: “Well, I’ve never seen as many people queuing up to buy raki for a chicken”
Philip: “Yeahhh. Ah, I’m back to get changed out of this. Were you proud of me?”
Gary: “Why, should I have been?”
Philip: “I never once did the cock joke”
Gary: “Hang up, there’s Bryan. WOY! What’s the result then?”
Bryan: “Don’t ask. I just got collared by Hector.”
Gary: “Ah, sorry. We should have stuck around, was he mad?”
Bryan: “No, not especially, No more than normal. He did say he’s not going to do the post mortem in the morning, so that’s a lie in for everyone anyway.”
Philip: “Right, I’m definitely getting out of this then.”
Bryan: “No, he thought it was wonderful, and wants to keep it exactly like that.”
Gary: “Oh, WHAT?”
Philip: “Right, I’m definitely getting out of this.”
Gary: “Why?”
Philip: “I definitely don’t want to be recognised.”

(back at the bar)
Liz: “You want to wait for them?”
Judy: “No, they both think they’re on a promise here.”
Liz: “Really? What, do you think they’ll pull in here?”
Judy: “Umm, well put it this way. Phillip stands more chance of success as a chicken”
Liz: “Who with?”
Judy: “I don’t know. Another chicken?”
Liz: “Lets go to the Sweater bar. There could be a chicken there”
Judy: “Probably, most of them aren’t drinking age yet!”
Liz: “Phil’s not so daft. He hasn’t had to pay for a drink all night!”
Judy: “Yeah, but how do you sup a pint in a chicken costume, and stay in character?”
Liz: “You didn’t see?”
Judy: “No, what?”
Liz: “He was sitting on them like they were eggs.”
Judy: “What, and picking them up inside the costume?”
Liz: “It’s one hell of a party trick.”
Judy: “I’ve seen him do that with Dos Equis bottles. Without the costume”
Liz: “Oh, god. Thank you for that mental image. I’m definitely not going to the Sweater bar now.”
Judy: “Come on. You know it’ll just be “hit on” time if we go anywhere else.”
Liz: “All right then. I wish the boys would come too”
Judy: “It’d just be “hit on” time for them instead.”
Liz: “Well, then they’d know what it was like then. Anyway, they’d be OK if they pretended to be together.”
Judy: “They’d have to snog before they were taken seriously.”
Liz: “Each other?”
Judy: “Exactly. They’re in the show! Everyone would just assume they were up for anything.”
Liz: “But they do snog each other in the Berlin show.”
Judy: “On-stage doesn’t count. Phil’s in drag anyway”
Liz: “It does, if you want it to. Two guys on stage, pretend to kiss, they’re gay.”
Judy: “And if they kiss the girls instead?”
Liz: “They’re compensating.”
Judy: “So, on-stage doesn’t count for anything.”
Liz: “Exactly. Hang on, what was I saying?”
Judy: “You were saying, Sweater Bar”
Liz: “OK. (gets up).”
(they walk out of the bar)
Liz: “OK, so what if we snogged on stage then. Would that count?”
Judy: “I don’t know, but we would get paid more”