Advice for a Teenager...

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I need some objective input.

I'm in a really tough situation. I've been dating my current girlfriend for 6 months now, but just recently (around November) it started to come out that she's really depressed. We'd be hanging out together and the slightest thing would set her into tears, and at this point her doctor has diagnosed her with clinical depression.

This transcends just normal teenage angst (which I'm all to familiar with and as such can help) and a lot of it has to do with an abusive relationship she was in for most of last year that culminated in rape. What can I do to help? I listen as much as I can, but it's almost impossible to get her to talk about it. I'm there as much as I can be, and I've sacrificed a lot for her. Is it my place to just be the comforting, supportive boyfriend? And how do I do that without worrying myself sick? About 1 our of every 3 nights we spend together ends with her breaking down in tears and me feeling compltely helpless.

Furthermore, she's a grade below me, and I graduate this year. I'll be leaving for college this fall, and I just don't think it would be fair to myself to have a high school relationship carry over long distances into college. She is very much attached, though, and I feel like the apprehension of being alone after I leave is just adding to the emotional baggage she's already carrying.

Any advice? And I really want to reiterate that this as as bad a case of depression I've encountered, not just a case of "it sucks being a teenager."

― stephen morris, Friday, 23 January 2004 03:25 (twenty-two years ago)

So you're saying you want to let her down easy when you're banging other girls?

― ModJ (ModJ), Friday, 23 January 2004 03:33 (twenty-two years ago)

er, that's not quite how i read it

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 23 January 2004 03:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Me either, what a totally uncharming response! :/

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 23 January 2004 03:37 (twenty-two years ago)

the part about graduation was "unnecessary" in the original post, I mean he's already looking for a way out.

And that is all I am saying on this thread. Sorry for the low level back up jimmy.

― Allyzay, Friday, 23 January 2004 03:39 (twenty-two years ago)

ok since nobody else seems to be arsed giving any advice, i'll say this: if being supportive is at the total expense of your own happiness or mental health, end things with her. if you're entertaining thoughts of leaving anyway then i think it's probably the right thing to do.

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 23 January 2004 03:41 (twenty-two years ago)

She is very much attached, though, and I feel like the apprehension of being alone after I leave is just adding to the emotional baggage she's already carrying.

I once had someone tell me after I'd come out of the other side of a deep depression that he had only stayed with me because he thought I'd kill myself if he left. I loved him, but I really thought he was an egotistical prick for saying that, and I really didn't like the position it put me in. I suspect your gf would feel the same way... if you feel like you want break it off, do so.

― alan smithee, Friday, 23 January 2004 03:41 (twenty-two years ago)

It's not unecessary at all, as most of the times she breaks down are triggered by me leaving.

I'm not looking for a way to dump her. This is the girl I should be with right now, and I wouldn't WANT to be with anyone else. But the colleges I've narrowed down to are both 15 hours away, and it's not fair to any teenager who hasn't completely mapped out their lives to have a relationship like that this young.

My intentions are completely unselfish. I'm not staying with her "just because I think she'll kill herself" at all. I'm looking for ways that I can help someone I care about very deeply get through a tough situation in her life, and I'd appreciate it if you'd help me rather than accuse me.

― stephen morris, Friday, 23 January 2004 03:44 (twenty-two years ago)

i literally don't see what else you could be doing other than being open to listening and discussing it. walking on eggshells and being afraid to leave her is going to end up being counterproductive.

― the surface noise (electricsound), Friday, 23 January 2004 03:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I agree. If she's that bad you and she cares about you and trusts you, you should have some long serious talks about life in general. She cannot, at that age, rely on boyfriend to help her out of a depression and through life. It isnt healthy for either of you. I believe you do care about her, the only thing I can think of in the short term is a lot of talking, and I'd also suggest some kind of professional help maybe?

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 23 January 2004 03:50 (twenty-two years ago)

err... "If she's that bad and she cares about you". Remove the extra "you", dunno where the hell that came from!

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 23 January 2004 03:51 (twenty-two years ago)

Let me rephrase something.

I'm not looking for a way out. This is a wonderful relationship, which is why I'm trying as hard as I can to help her. We were hesitant to get into a relationship because we both knew I'd be leaving soon. However, it still factors pretty heavily the situation and I felt it was a necessary detail. My main motive for including it was that I wanted to know if it might be better for her (please note that I do very much want to be in this relationship) if we weren't together.

She just recently started going to a psychiatrist but that's a once a week deal, so progress is slow.

― stephen morris, Friday, 23 January 2004 03:55 (twenty-two years ago)

She needs to know that you are planning to leave for college in a couple of months and don't want to continue the relationship.

And if she decides that she'd rather end it now then that's best for her.

I don't think nearly ending it everytime you see each other for the next while will do either of you any good.

― isadora (isadora), Friday, 23 January 2004 04:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I would say that if you are wondering if it might be better if yu weren;t in this relationship, then I would get out of it. It will be tough for her, but by the sounds of it, you are not going to be sticking around as a supportive b/f should, so maybe get her some professional help & go your separate ways.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 23 January 2004 10:50 (twenty-two years ago)

Intentions are never purely unselfish - we're just not built that way, I believe. Jim is mostly OTM here; you're asking how to walk away and the answer is simple - just walk away. It's not your job to try and fix someone, that's not how healthy relationships work. Trust me.

― Llahtuos Kcin (Nick Southall), Friday, 23 January 2004 10:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Of course you shouldn't try to fix someone I agree. I think he wants to walk away & not feel guilty about it.

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Friday, 23 January 2004 11:01 (twenty-two years ago)

It's very difficult for any of us to say definitively 'she would be better if you weren't together'. Finding the 'right' way to deal with someone else's depression is damn near impossible.

I think it's important, as isadora said, that she knows you are leaving. There is little point in having recurring conversations about what will happen then though, as one thing depressed people often find extremely difficult is thinking about or planning for the future.

If you want to be with her right now, then you probably should be. It doesn't matter that you don't really know how to support her; she is getting professional help and if she knows you care about her that itself is a big deal.

But equally, if you feel like ending the relationship now instead of in a few months, then do. You haven't signed on to be her carer and it's doubtful whether it will be any more or less difficult for her WHEN you end it, now or later. Don't feel guilty - she's not depressed BECAUSE of you after all.

― Archel (Archel), Friday, 23 January 2004 12:19 (twenty-two years ago)

I would say encourage her to find support in other people. It's not healthy and it's not fair (either for the depressed person or the parter) for a person to only have *one* person as their entire social support system. You cannot fix her, and you cannot save her. You can only offer encouragement and support.

Just my opinion, but it sounds like maybe she is overly dependant on you. It's very easy when coming out of an abusive relationship to throw all of your emotional investment and all of your energy into the next relationship. She needs a wider support network than that. Abusive partners maintain control by cutting off the victim from their friends, their support network, and making them dependant on one person, so they are trapped. This may be the pattern that she has learned in her previous relationship.

She needs help. I think that the best thing that you can do is encourage her to help herself. Professional help? Maybe. I don't know if a psychiatrist is the answer - some form of Post Traumatic Stress councelling might be more helpful for her. Encourage her to contact a victim support service. Perhaps a peer councelling group or a rape support group would be good for her. Not only will this provide the psychological help that she needs, but if she has other people she can talk to about her depression, the pressure is taken off your relationship, and off you.

― the river fleet, Friday, 23 January 2004 13:13 (twenty-two years ago)

five months pass...

REVIVE!

― Revivalist (Revivalist), Monday, 19 July 2004 11:14 (twenty-one years ago)

NO!

― dog latin (dog latin), Monday, 19 July 2004 14:02 (twenty-one years ago)

where's aja these days, then?

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Tuesday, 20 July 2004 02:41 (twenty-one years ago)

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

DEATH TO THE HUMAN RACE: IF IT WASN'T FOR HUMANS NONE OF US WOULD HAVE PROBLEMS SO EVERYONE WOULD BE DEAD AND ALL THE ANIMALS WOULD BE HAPPY!

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!

I H8 ALL HUMANS! I GONNA DIE TOO! ME DEPRESSED AND I GONNA MURDER ALL THE PRESIDENTS BE4 I DIE!

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

VOTE SOCIALIST/MARXIST/COMMUNIST!

SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

― bdsgjha, Friday, 23 July 2004 13:00 (twenty-one years ago)

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