How do you categorically but nicely let someone know you're not interested in them?

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Well, I know the answer I suppose, just tell them.

But anyway - there's a student who struck up conversation with me on the bus last week and now keeps coming into where I work and asking me for coffee/lunch etc. Maybe he's just being friendly. But even if that's the case, I don't really make friends that way.

I find him a bit creepy, to be honest. So far I've been like 'oh I'm too busy/going to the library/got a meeting' but ultimately I just want him to stop asking me. But am hopeless at direct rejection. Help.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:14 (twenty-two years ago)

i don't want to have to kill you, but i will.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:17 (twenty-two years ago)

"I am gay" (the Simpsons supply all the answers)

or you could just say you have a boyfriend

― dleone (dleone), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

"I'm *Sort of* Seeing Someone"

― mark grout (mark grout), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

'nicely' jess.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:18 (twenty-two years ago)

I don't want to have to cripple you, but I will.

then bat yr eyelashes.

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:19 (twenty-two years ago)

much better.

― Julio Desouza (jdesouza), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:20 (twenty-two years ago)

But if he IS just being friendly and I'm like 'oh no kind sir i have a big strong boyfriend at home, i couldn't possibly', I will feel a fool.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Maybe if I hadn't lost my engagement ring on a drunken night out in Aylesbury, this wouldn't be happening. KARMA.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

Also, you could say that you have to "go home to my kids". That should stop him in his tracks.

― Psychokitty, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:23 (twenty-two years ago)

I would quite casually mention the boyfriend in an offhand manner during a conversation. Not deliberately or "I've got a big strong MANG at home" sort of way, but just sort of... if he mentions something - such and such a book or the like, say "Oh, wow, yeah, my fiance really likes that novel."

― the river fleet, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:24 (twenty-two years ago)

"I am on my way to the VD clinic"

― strongo hulkington (dubplatestyle), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

When you see him, text boyf to ring you in five. You have that much time to strike up a conversation with this guy. Boyf rings back, you have gratuitous 'honey'-type conversation where you ask if wine needs bringing home tonight etc. If he hasn't suddenly 'gotta go' after some eavesdropping on your side of the conversation I'd be surprised.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:27 (twenty-two years ago)

if you find him creepy just say 'no thanks' - he's probably used to it, heh.

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:31 (twenty-two years ago)

If you're not that bothered, just give him the ice cold straight ahead "please stop asking me because I'm really not interested" and then carry on doing whatever you are doing, the next time he asks. It's blunt, it supposes alot, but then, if you want him to stop - it should do the trick.

Alternately, push him roughly up against a wall and ram the muzzle of a Mac 10 spray and prey (available from all good underworld armourers) up against his chest and tell him the next time he asks you’re gonna get medieval on his ass. Then laugh easily and skip off singing.

― @lex K (Alex K), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:31 (twenty-two years ago)

suzy is smart

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:31 (twenty-two years ago)

'i've posted my life's content on an internet board called ilx'

― doomified, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:32 (twenty-two years ago)

It may be that he is being genuinely friendly. I'd go with the suggestion of mentioning your fiancé in conversation at the first available opportunity, at least that way the boundaries are clearly drawn so if you do ever want to have coffee and a chat one lunchtime, you've made it clear what your circumstances are right from the start.

Not every guy who says hello is necessarily trying to hit on you (are they??)

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:36 (twenty-two years ago)

... if he mentions something - such and such a book or the like, say "Oh, wow, yeah, my fiance really likes that novel."

Note to women: this is rarely subtle.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:36 (twenty-two years ago)

kiss him gently, but don't use tongue. he'll get the hint.

― Huck Everlasting (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:39 (twenty-two years ago)

say, "coffee? What for? What are expecting to get out of it? Think you're going to land me, do ya? Think you can pull me? Do ya> DO YOU? Well, sonny, have I got bad news for you!" then laugh like a hyena until he leaves the building

― run it off (run it off), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:40 (twenty-two years ago)

CJ: Probably not, but Archel is unsure here and ...it's not the kind of thing you can just ask someone as the offence caused is way out of proportion etc. Hence my scam. If he's still lurking after cuddlesome chat to boyfriend, he's not a sex lurker necessarily, but you are then allowed to mention boyf without it seeming like gratuitous mention. Or just 'assume he had a girlfriend'.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Mind you, if he's still lurking after hearing the cuddlesome chat, he might be one of those annoying berks who thinks you are now even more of a challenge. Bah!

― C J (C J), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I like suzy's plan :)

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:52 (twenty-two years ago)

but what if you text your bf/gf/h/w and you sit there smiling at suitor thinking how clever you are but bf/gf/h/w doesn't call because they're in a meeting or their phone's got no credit or its run out of battery? What if they're in the underground and can't get any reception? I mean, you can't plan what time suitor is going to pop by can you? And you're stuck there, smiling.

― run it off (run it off), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:55 (twenty-two years ago)

invite them back to your place for an "audit" using your "e-meter". (warning - this could backfire disastrously)

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Well you could just say 'oh hang on a sec, i just need to tell my b/f or g/f something important'

― Pinkpanther (Pinkpanther), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:57 (twenty-two years ago)

"mmmm, yeah. you need to back off, 'kay?"

― Huck Everlasting (Horace Mann), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:58 (twenty-two years ago)

No in fact Matt doesn't have a mobile phone at the mo so I will have to adapt the plan a bit. Perhaps I can warn him in advance and then on sight of possible-stalker-type-but-possible-just-friendly-guy-who-i-happen-to-find-creepy I can give two rings on the landline (he is usually there in the pm) and he can ring me back. Argh I am in teenage style WEB of intrigue already.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 16:59 (twenty-two years ago)

or I could just wait til he picks up and keep talking. what a dumbass.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Well, the person who rings you for the bail-out doesn't have to be Matt. D'oh.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:02 (twenty-two years ago)

You could carry his picture around in a cameo, and take it out and smile at it during the conversation. If that doesn't work you could try your boyfriend's picture.

― Andrew Farrell (afarrell), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:02 (twenty-two years ago)

Suzy is sooo sneaky, she thinks of all the angles

― run it off (run it off), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:04 (twenty-two years ago)

She does!

haha Andrew

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:05 (twenty-two years ago)

the casually bringing up the b/f in a conversation is the best idea i think.. with the added bonus of finding out whether this dude really only wanted to hit on you or genuinely wants to be friends etc.

that sounds like a come-on.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

e.g. talk about FOOTBALL, and then talk about how your boyfriend has the SAME NAME!

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:06 (twenty-two years ago)

Or just 'assume he had a girlfriend'.

Nuh-uhh. He will be quite likely to take this as a coy backhanded compliment and press on. At least, I would.

I find grimacing like I've just swallowed a peanut the wrong way, and bulging my eyes out like Arnie in Total Recall, every time unwanted person is in the vicinity, works a treat...eventually.

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

(er.. if your bf's name is "football")

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

He comes to your WORK? WTF?

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:07 (twenty-two years ago)

(archel works at a university i think)

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:09 (twenty-two years ago)

So, fellas, maybe it'd help if you told Archel about the time when you tried to get a date with a girl and she did this thing that made you realise you didn't have a chance...

― run it off (run it off), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:14 (twenty-two years ago)

That still doesn't seem really odd and creepy to you? Unless he has like a reason to be in that building?

Honestly the worst thing I ever did was be nice to someone acting like this and not just bluntly say that I'm not interested but I'm not going to say that's a universal experience. I just recommend against games at this point and just going for rudeness. Worse comes to worse, you're wrong and he wasn't trying to hit on you--but you said you didn't make friends this way either so it's not as if you seemed that interested in just being friendly with him either.

― Allyzay, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:15 (twenty-two years ago)

i was always too scared to ask!!!

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

What if he knows/finds out that you have a boyfriend but just carries on being friendly and still wants to be your friend. Archel still doesn't want to go for coffee with him. Creepy 'friends' can be as hard to shake off as creepy suitors.

x-post with Ally.

― N. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:16 (twenty-two years ago)

I do work in a university, and within a student service area, so it's less creepy than if he was coming to my OFFICE or something.

But yeah, even if he is being friendly, it's not that appropriate for me to be friends with students, and I don't want to go there.

Perhaps I'll be brave enough to just say that.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:20 (twenty-two years ago)

he then offers to drop his course, haha

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:28 (twenty-two years ago)

SMUG CUNTS

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:33 (twenty-two years ago)

"You're ugly. Fuck off".

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:33 (twenty-two years ago)

Alternately go for a fucking coffee. It's not going to kill you. Chat to the poor fecking fella and he might well be nice.

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:35 (twenty-two years ago)

There speaks a man with experience.

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:36 (twenty-two years ago)

Skipping 26 messages at this point... Click here if you want to load them all.

Ignorant.
Narrow Minded.
Socially inept.

Kate is cool. I love her.

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:55 (twenty-two years ago)

C-Man is Careful-Man. I was wondering about that!

― run it off (run it off), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:55 (twenty-two years ago)

The problem (although frankly I can hardly bear to reply to you since you started being a fucktard at Kate again) is that I am engaged to someone already so am not looking for people, ugly or hott, to date.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:56 (twenty-two years ago)

If you don't go for coffee with strangers you'll never meet new people. I've been for coffee with tons of strangers. Don't care what they look like. One girl that really fancied me in first year at uni was rather on the large side but I still went for coffee with her...

can't you, like, go out with friends and stuff, and meet new people through friends? I know I do.

*thinks

oh.

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Then I'd tell him you're going to lunch with your fiancee.

Kate has goaded me since coming on her again. I don't know what she looks like. I just made it up about the doughnuts. Sheeet, might have put foot in mouth though?!

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, I'm getting jealous. Let's see this so-called hair.

xxxxxxxpost re: stevem's hair

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

Fuck them, then don't call.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:58 (twenty-two years ago)

I was going to find a nice pic of Steve's hair to brighten up this thread, but it seems I have run out of time and must go home. Bye.

― Archel (Archel), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 17:59 (twenty-two years ago)

UM I'VE NOTICED YOU AROUND
I FIND YOU VERY ATTRACTIVE
UM,

WILL YOU GO TO BED WITH ME

[HORNS!]

― Jon Williams (ex machina), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

don't

don't
don't

don't believe the hype

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

"Kate has goaded me since coming on her again."

You came on her again?

― random person, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:00 (twenty-two years ago)

The suspense... stevem, run a power move on 'em

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

Yup.

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I just don't like hurting people's feelings.

---- C-Man

sadist are we? why not try hurting yourself physically perhaps?

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:02 (twenty-two years ago)

In your wet dreams. You can get therapy for that sexual dysfunction, as well, you know. NHS Direct. Go on, give it a try.

― the river fleet, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:02 (twenty-two years ago)

See? I was being nice and doughnut girl starts her schtick again.

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Kate - read the bit about me being choosey. Make that "choosey beyond what you'd comprehend". Got it?

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

They really can help you, you know. Modern science has worked wonders in this field!

― the river fleet, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:07 (twenty-two years ago)

Anyone who wastes time posting on a thread like this is ipso facto a loser. AND I MEAN THE LOT OF YOU!

― God The Father, Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:07 (twenty-two years ago)

― AmeN. (nickdastoor), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:08 (twenty-two years ago)

You should allow him to "overhear" you say something horrible, like "after I kill the kids the money won't be too tight".

Really though I think the best thing is to simply say you're seeing someone else, thanks but no thanks.

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:10 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm off to the pub, to consolidate my loserness further

― stevem (blueski), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:11 (twenty-two years ago)

is anyone still giving Archel advice? She scarpered ages ago

― run it off (run it off), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:11 (twenty-two years ago)

i'm off to the pub, to consolidate my loserness further

give the people what they want! that hair must be something.

― eNRIQUE (Enrique), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:12 (twenty-two years ago)

Wouldn't it be funny, Archel, if it was me. That I was the one coming to your business and trying to chat you up and all and yeah, I'm pretty nice and I'm totally not stalking you even though I googled you and have been following your posts on this here board for quite some time but I'm totally not stalking you or trying to score with you or anything I'M TOTALLY HARMLESS AND NOT STALKING YOU? That'd be pretty funny, huh? I mean, it's not me or anything. But what if. (It's not me.) What if, though? Ha!

― andrew m. (andrewmorgan), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:14 (twenty-two years ago)

Wow! Is that a beached hippo? Nope it's just Kate in the bath...

And many more jokes like it.

Yeah, just say you're seeing someone. I got a Valentines Day card once when I was seeing someone. That was awkward I guess. You just got to be nice.

― C-Man (C-Man), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:19 (twenty-two years ago)

You really are a cunt, Calum, but I suppose being the zillionth person to tell you this won't make a difference.

― Enrique (Enrique), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

That was a joke? Go away Calum, you're spoiling ILX for loads of people. How can that possibly make you happy? You're not welcome here. Go away. Just go.

― Markelby (Mark C), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Leave a jack-o-lantern on his front porch with a dagger plunged into it along with a note that says "You." He'll get the message and no harm done!

― J Dogg (andrewmorgan), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:23 (twenty-two years ago)

On Calum's front porch?

― Gear! (Gear!), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 18:57 (twenty-two years ago)

Front something, sure.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 27 January 2004 19:15 (twenty-two years ago)

Coda
(after a few more days of lurking (him) and evasiveness (me):

Him: Are you always this difficult to get to know?
Me: Yes, yes I am.
Him: And you never meet new people?
Me: Yeah, but through my friends and stuff.
Him: I waited for you at lunchtime and you just went off.
Me: I didn't ask you to wait, did I? I hadn't agreed to go anywhere with you.
Him: Ok. I won't bother you any more. (leaves)

I feel like an evil bitch but also quite happy.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:10 (twenty-two years ago)

Nicely done.

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:27 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, he sounded a bit creepy.

― Enrique (Enrique), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:28 (twenty-two years ago)

Poor graham.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:29 (twenty-two years ago)

zing!

― Matt (Matt), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:31 (twenty-two years ago)

sorry that was mean.

― Ronan (Ronan), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:32 (twenty-two years ago)

Crikey, was he expecting you to fall into his waiting-at-lunchtime arms? Ah, sweet self-deluded youth. I'd say someone would have to be pretty bleedin' entertaining to want to 'get to know' them at work, when they were being a pain in the bum. Anyway, that's over Arch. Although he'll now tell all his friends that the girl on the desk is an evil frigid cow. Ho hum.

This thread has stirred up some nastiness, eh?

Ooh x-post. I type too slowly. And punctuate more or less correctly, which also cuts into vitriol time.

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:35 (twenty-two years ago)

I think you handled this in the best way possible, Archel.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:37 (twenty-two years ago)

yeah, don't feel evil

― stevem (blueski), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:42 (twenty-two years ago)

I like it.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Bwahahahahaha.

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:47 (twenty-two years ago)

Oh no, what will we do when the world falls into your sinister clutches?

― Liz :x (Liz :x), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:53 (twenty-two years ago)

Bow in abasement, duh.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Monday, 2 February 2004 15:56 (twenty-two years ago)

Of course, the irony of me talking to thousands of strangers EVERY FUCKING DAY via the medium of interweb mentalism has not escaped me...

― Archel (Archel), Monday, 2 February 2004 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

We waited for you at lunchtime and everything.

― luna (luna.c), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:34 (twenty-two years ago)

Perhaps you should have asked him to join ILE.

― N. (nickdastoor), Monday, 2 February 2004 17:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Perhaps he's...already here!!

― no one (Prude), Monday, 2 February 2004 19:13 (twenty-two years ago)

haha, i bet it's C-MAN! See how he's been avocating actually going out with the stalker dude all through the thread!!!!!!! It's suddenly all clear!

― ken c (ken c), Tuesday, 3 February 2004 11:03 (twenty-two years ago)

Although he'll now tell all his friends that the girl on the desk is an evil frigid cow. Ho hum.

Surely that's a Good Thing - it means his friends are less likely to try the same thing on?

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 3 February 2004 11:07 (twenty-two years ago)

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