Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed: A Small Lesson in Conservatism

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"Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed! A Small Lesson in Conservatism" is a wonderful way to teach young children the valuable lessons of conservatism. In simple text, parents and children follow Tommy and Lou on their quest to earn money for a swing set their parents cannot afford. As their dream gets stuck in Liberaland, Tommy and Lou’s lemonade stand is hit with many obstacles.

Liberals keep appearing from behind their lemon tree, taking half of their money in taxes, forbidding them to hang a picture of Jesus atop their stand, and making them give broccoli with each glass sold.

Law after law instituted by the press-hungry liberals finally results in the liberals taking over Tommy and Lou’s stand and offering sour lemonade at astronomical prices to the customers.

― Red Panda Sanskrit (ex machina), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:16 (twenty-one years ago)

fantabulous.

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:25 (twenty-one years ago)

the liberals under yer bed will spank you for saying "faggot" all the time, lil jon!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:26 (twenty-one years ago)

and for jizzing in yer friends' sleeping bags!!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:26 (twenty-one years ago)

What have conservatives against broccoli??

― Mr. Tony Plow (Leee), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:28 (twenty-one years ago)

dubya's daddy doesn't like broccoli, that's what they have agin it!

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Terrifying Amazon reviews:

superb!, July 4, 2004

Reviewer:

A reader

I am 8 years old and I read this book.
I really liked this book because the characters were funny.
I learned that good things happen when you work hard as long as government is fair.
I think you should buy this book.

just what our children need, July 2, 2004

Reviewer:

A reader

this is such a unique book from which EVERYONE can learn. it is a sweet story to read to your children, while at the same time it is a teaching tool of lessons that are so valuable and necessary in today's world. i read it to my children and they laughed out loud about the big toe (you'll have to read it to find out what that's all about). the story is great because it is the kind of story that they love now as young children, but as they get older and begin to understand how our great country works, they will appreciate it even more

― Tim Ellison (Tim Ellison), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Fortunately, Tommy & Lou manage to save costs by using an artificial sweetener that hasn't been co-opted by the big government Food & Drug Administration. Sure there are some side effects, like Lou going sterile by age 12, but hey, they learn an invaluable lesson in avoiding government interference.

― Lt. Kingfish Del Pickles (Kingfish), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:32 (twenty-one years ago)

i'd gladly go sterile if it meant that there'd be no more talk of The patriot Act ever again

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Sunday, 15 August 2004 05:54 (twenty-one years ago)

rejected titles:

"Help! Mom! There Are Jews with Their Hands in My Piggy Bank (But We Should Love Them Anyway Because Jews Don't Suck as Much as Arabs and at Least They Are White): A Small Lesson in Finance and Tolerance Conservative-Style"

"Help! Mom! There Are Negroes in My Classroom: A Small Lesson in Conservative Education Values"

"Help! Mom! There's a Homo on the TV and in the Governor's Mansion: A Small Lesson in the Entertainment Industry and New Jersey Politics"

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 06:04 (twenty-one years ago)

rejected titles:

"Help! Mom! There Are Negroes in My Classroom: A Small Lesson in Conservative Education Values"

"Help! Mom! There's One Homo on the TV and Another in the Governor's Mansion: A Small Lesson in the Entertainment Industry and New Jersey Politics"

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 06:05 (twenty-one years ago)

(hiccup)

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 06:05 (twenty-one years ago)

How about

"Help! Mom! There Are Hippie Punks On My Computer Who Refuse To Sleep Until The Entire World Thinks Exactly As They Do: Message Boards In A Post Michael Moore World"

― roger adultery (roger adultery), Sunday, 15 August 2004 07:31 (twenty-one years ago)

hey at least we're not going after children

― g--ff (gcannon), Sunday, 15 August 2004 07:37 (twenty-one years ago)

though i guess you could bring up 'trevor has two daddies' or whatever

― g--ff (gcannon), Sunday, 15 August 2004 07:38 (twenty-one years ago)

yes, well, that's all well and good but PATRIOT ACT PATRIOT ACT PATRIO ACT BABA BOOEY HOWARD STERN RULES!

― el sabor de gene (yournullfame), Sunday, 15 August 2004 07:57 (twenty-one years ago)

when has the media ever shyed away from covering thee poor little lemonade stand kids who are supposed to have a business license? I heard it again just the other day! Nobody sent a film crew out when they wouldn't give me a driver's license at that age!

― teeny (teeny), Sunday, 15 August 2004 11:45 (twenty-one years ago)

"Help! Mom! There Are Hippie Punks On My Computer Who Refuse To Sleep Until The Entire World Thinks Exactly As They Do: Message Boards In A Post Michael Moore World"

yikes! obviously a much bigger threat to the free world than the current administration!

― lauren (laurenp), Sunday, 15 August 2004 11:50 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, it's the liberals who are the groupthinkers, and we did not form our shock troops until Michael Moore came along to lead us.

― gabbneb (gabbneb), Sunday, 15 August 2004 11:52 (twenty-one years ago)

Help! Mom! The Pope Is Prayin' With My Prez--Oh, That's OK Because At Least Catholics Aren't Secularists And We Need Their Votes

― Hunter (Hunter), Sunday, 15 August 2004 12:06 (twenty-one years ago)

I am currently at work on the sequel:

Help! Mom! There are Conservatives In My Government! A Guide to Living in Soul-Crushing Poverty in a World Where You Can't Even Go Outside to Play because of the Pollution Spewing Out of Factories Run By Pals of the Conservatives in Government

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 15 August 2004 13:28 (twenty-one years ago)

After that:

Help! Mom! There are Idiots in the Publishing Industry! A Guide to Realizing that Families of All Political Persuasions Can't Afford Swingsets And Just Go to the Damn Playground Already

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 15 August 2004 13:31 (twenty-one years ago)

Help! Mom! There Are Canadians On the Internet! A Guide to Realizing That Wild Bears Who DJ and Operate Photoshop Are Secret Agents For Tim Horton's and Moose-Lip Omelettes

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 15 August 2004 13:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I sense a multimillion seller, Ned.

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 15 August 2004 13:36 (twenty-one years ago)

I'll cut you in on the profits.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 15 August 2004 13:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Joking aside, what the hell is this shit?

― Alba (Alba), Sunday, 15 August 2004 13:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Indoctrination.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 15 August 2004 13:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Help! Mom! There are Terrorists Under My Bed! A Guide to Distracting Your Children From the Things that are REALLY Making Their Lives More Dangerous

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 15 August 2004 14:11 (twenty-one years ago)

"Help! Mom! There's a Crazy Dude Under My Bed with Lots of Depeche Mode and My Bloody Valentine CDs Who's Muttering Something about 'Koala Tacos!' A Small Lesson in Conservative Music"

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

:-)

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Sunday, 15 August 2004 14:28 (twenty-one years ago)

You really need to get yourself checked into an asylum if that's your autobiography.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Sunday, 15 August 2004 14:42 (twenty-one years ago)

WHAT HATH I WROUGHT

― Red Panda Sanskrit (ex machina), Sunday, 15 August 2004 19:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Just to clarify, there is a subplot involving a very detailed homosexual love trist between Tommy and Lou in this book, right?

― David Allen (David Allen), Sunday, 15 August 2004 19:50 (twenty-one years ago)

doesnt the title of this book sound like something a liberal would write making fun of conservatives?

― David Allen (David Allen), Sunday, 15 August 2004 20:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Yes, yes it does.

I hope Tommy grazes his knee at some point and no-one will give him a band-aid because he doesn't have insurance.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Sunday, 15 August 2004 21:01 (twenty-one years ago)

or his HMO doesn't cover Bactine

― Lt. Kingfish Del Pickles (Kingfish), Sunday, 15 August 2004 21:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Can we all agree that imposing political views on young children is wrong regardless of whether these views are liberal/conservative/etc.?

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Sunday, 15 August 2004 21:12 (twenty-one years ago)

No, because then your kids will have to sell broccoli in a Jesus-less universe. What part of this don't you get?

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Sunday, 15 August 2004 21:18 (twenty-one years ago)

what is a "broccoli"?

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Sunday, 15 August 2004 21:53 (twenty-one years ago)

there's something fucking rancid about the tone of "a small lesson" in this context. it smacks of dickhead conservative teachers or just censors.

― Ronan (Ronan), Sunday, 15 August 2004 21:57 (twenty-one years ago)

it is like a "lego".

― RJG (RJG), Sunday, 15 August 2004 21:58 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.digiserve.com/eescape/library/AAVTS-Lego-closeup.jpg

― Leon Czolgosz (Nicole), Sunday, 15 August 2004 22:00 (twenty-one years ago)

Liberals keep appearing from behind their lemon tree, taking half of their money in taxes,

I know it's stupid to even try to argue with this book, but I can't help wondering exactly how many branches of government and how many governor's mansions and state Legislatures are going to have to be controlled by Republicans before we can stop blaming "liberals" for taxes.

Anyway...

Help! Mom! My Sweat's Dripping Down My Balls! A Small Lesson in Crunk

― spittle (spittle), Sunday, 15 August 2004 23:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I want to see a picture of the liberals in the story.

― dog latin (dog latin), Sunday, 15 August 2004 23:47 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.joe6pac.org/Images/Hippo-Kennedy.jpg

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Sunday, 15 August 2004 23:51 (twenty-one years ago)

iwww.heretical.com/ sheppard/kuczinsk.gif

(hope that's not too offensive - well, it is, but, you know what I mean)

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Sunday, 15 August 2004 23:55 (twenty-one years ago)

oops.

iwww.heretical.com/sheppard/kuczinsk.gif

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Sunday, 15 August 2004 23:56 (twenty-one years ago)

ah forget it - just as well really. Sure you can find your own way there. It was just an old cartoon of a 'semitic commie' kind of thing.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Sunday, 15 August 2004 23:57 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.heretical.com/sheppard/kuczinsk.gif

― Lt. Kingfish Del Pickles (Kingfish), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:06 (twenty-one years ago)

that cartoon person kinda looks like jim mcgreevey.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:10 (twenty-one years ago)

Help! Mom! Jim McGreevey is under my bed: Small lessons in Conservatism.

― Kevin Gilchrist (Mr Fusion), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:11 (twenty-one years ago)

Moose-Lip Omelettes?
-

Some of the right wing tactics in the US are really nauseatingly low. I used to mod on a site, primarily for teen and pre-teen girls, and our politics forum was stealth bombed by such people. In that case they were primarily affiliated with the NRA, and did their best (over nearly a one year period!) to present an extreme right wing POV as a very common one, trying to manipulate an audience mostly too naive to catch on. Thinking about it too much, still to this day, makes my blood boil. And yeah, I'm not even American.

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:27 (twenty-one years ago)

I think I should be allowed to vote.

― RJG (RJG), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Did anyone follow the link to Whistleblower magazine? Apparently it recently contained a blockbuster special report on the Democrats - titled "THE PARTY OF TREASON".

British politics are so tame.

― Wooden (Wooden), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:32 (twenty-one years ago)

from the site:

NOTE: Purchasing "Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed" from WND's online store also qualifies you to receive a FREE 3-month trial subscription to our immensely popular monthly print magazine, Whistleblower. Watch for the FREE offer during checkout.

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"disgusting" doesn't begin to cover what these people are.

― Eisbär (llamasfur), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:35 (twenty-one years ago)

This is WorldNetDaily, folks. not too surprising the tone they take.

― Lt. Kingfish Del Pickles (Kingfish), Monday, 16 August 2004 01:44 (twenty-one years ago)

W.N.D. sound like an intellectual W.M.D., although doubtless some would take that as a compliment.

― Fred Nerk (Fred Nerk), Monday, 16 August 2004 02:27 (twenty-one years ago)

one year passes...

They're going with a whole imprint of these. the original article is behind a pay/reg-wall, so i'm linking to this one:

Thus far, the new imprint has only one writer in its stable: Katharine DeBrecht, the pen name of a mother of three whose authorial debut, Help! Mom! There Are Liberals Under My Bed!, generated major buzz — and sold some 30,000 copies — after receiving an on-air plug from Rush Limbaugh. In the wake of DeBrecht's success, Kids Ahead is moving forward with an entire Help! Mom! series. Help! Mom! Hollywood's in My Hamper! hit stores in March, Help! Mom! The Ninth Circuit Nabbed the Nativity! will be out in time for Christmas, with Help! Mom! There Are Lawyers in My Lunchbox! to follow.

yes, there's nothing that kids like better than reading about the Ninth U.S. Circuit of Appeals and the concept of judicial review.

― kingfish du lac (kingfish 2.0), Thursday, 29 June 2006 15:37 (nineteen years ago)

Luckily, they will be learning about the boogey man instead.

― Fluffy Bear (Fluffy Bear Hearts Rainbows), Thursday, 29 June 2006 20:33 (nineteen years ago)

one year passes...

God I can't help myself I bought one for $4.00 + shipping.

― libcrypt, Sunday, 9 December 2007 00:41 (eighteen years ago)

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