dud or duddest: workplace training sessions

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i am in one right now. its called Six Sigma and it goes on for 6 full days almost nonstop. thankgod i have internet access...

most dud of all duds.

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Aaron, you have my highly efficient sympathy.

― briania (briania), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:23 (twenty-one years ago)

I spent a morning learning how to use the phone better.

― Huck, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:24 (twenty-one years ago)

Oh yeah, Six Sigma. Also known as, um, "make stuff work better, like you're supposed to be doing anyways."

My job ridiculously education-based...I've spent about four weeks solid in classes out of the last three months.

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I was in one two weeks called Relationship Building Impact. (RBI- it had a baseball theme to it)

DUD

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Do a bong rip at the break and you'll start getting really stoked on Sigma Six.

― andy, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:39 (twenty-one years ago)

its totally a brainwashing scheme. they treat it like its the goddamn bible or something. the funniest thing is, they want to have 100% of the employees trained, so they even have the janitors and cafeteria workers in this class.

they're giving out candy to people who ask

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:59 (twenty-one years ago)

the job training episode of the office is classic, anyway

― amateur!!!st, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 17:59 (twenty-one years ago)

good questions and participate. its making me feel like a preforming seal snatching fish (they throw the candy at us).

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:00 (twenty-one years ago)

they gave me a laptop for the duration. im not used to it, so i keep hitting buttons i shouldnt.... like just now.

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:01 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost

love the job training episode of office. though my fave scene is in the fire drill when they take the handicapped woman down teh emergency exit and leave her on a landing cuz the chair weighs too much. classic.

― Anthony (Plato Guy), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:03 (twenty-one years ago)

The fire drill is a different episode. Am. is talking about the BEST EPISODE EVER where Brent keeps playing songs from his old band on acoustic guitar - "FREE LOVE, ON THE FREE LOVE FREEWAY, WHERE THE LOVIN'S FREE AND THE FREEWAY'S LONG"

― eat fudge banana swirl (Nick A.), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Six Sigma is bullshit, but I used to work in a group responsible for training a large investment bank, and it was the best job I ever had ('til I got a new lame boss, and got laid off).

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:06 (twenty-one years ago)

Six Sigma: the latest panacea - if only there were an easier way of saying to people, "don't do shit that doesn't provide any economic benefit to the company."

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:06 (twenty-one years ago)

i once had a job training session where the speaker made an analogy between "conquering your workplace inhibitions" and escaping the holocaust.

i voiced my objection and proceeded to stare at him accusingly for the rest of the day.

― amateur!!!st, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:08 (twenty-one years ago)

one of the greatest things about working in the training group, btw, was that nobody ever took me seriously.

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:09 (twenty-one years ago)

i do believe that its morally wrong.

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:09 (twenty-one years ago)

just remember one thing, yeah -
Simply the BEST!

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:10 (twenty-one years ago)

i do believe that its morally wrong.
-- AaronK (fuzz_...), August 18th, 2004.

what is?

― amateur!!!st, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:11 (twenty-one years ago)

whoa, I cringed when this other training group within the bank (there were like 16 billion of 'em) did this super-gay (and I don't mean that in a derogatory sense - I mean all of the dudes leading the session were super-gay) "always put on your best face for the customer" Disney bullshit and ended by JAMMING OUT THE TINA TURNER SONG JUST MENTIONED. I'm sorry, but that shit will NEVER fly with i-bankers.

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:12 (twenty-one years ago)

Did laughter need to be supressed? That is hilarious!

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:13 (twenty-one years ago)

no, because there were a bunch of higher-ups there, almost everyone (including myself, sad to say) treated it seriously. One of the most cringe-worthy moments of my "career" (HA!) was actually when they pulled me onstage to "act out" some dumb point about customer service. BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS, JOHNNY (if that is your real name), I AM IN TRAINING TOO.

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:16 (twenty-one years ago)

ps. the whole idea with investment banking is to SCREW your customers!

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:16 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't forget the Four Steps!
1) Engage
2) Discovery
3) Build Value
4) Gain Commitment

― sexyDancer, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:17 (twenty-one years ago)

fuck somebody find me a real job.

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:18 (twenty-one years ago)

i love how one of those "steps" is just a noun. maybe they want us to listen to daft punk?

― amateur!!!st, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:18 (twenty-one years ago)

I have wasted my whole life. At least in that training job I made okay money.

― hstencil (hstencil), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:18 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost: it's the old "how many fingers am I holding up?" brainwash trick. Insist the subject gives up on logic at all costs.

― sexyDancer, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:30 (twenty-one years ago)

i believe that six sigma is morally wrong.

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:43 (twenty-one years ago)

sorry for the late reply btw. i was in the middle of a group activity geared towards achieving group consensus - with utter disregard towards what is actually right or wrong.

― AaronK (AaronK), Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:45 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost:
A-ha, but "morals" are what YOU Bring To The Table.
We're looking for OCR here.
(Other-Centered Reasoning)

― sexyDancer, Wednesday, 18 August 2004 18:46 (twenty-one years ago)

Six sigma's actually pretty good stuff if you're in manufacturing. I've never looked closely at any attempt to apply it to non-mfg scenarios. And, as dave225 says above, there were so many 'quality' panaceas (and so many consultants pushing quality panaceas) floating around in the '90s that the whole field got somewhat of a bad name.

Jeff's 'Six sigma in five seconds' = keep your processes on target while reducing variation. Thanks, that'll be $1500 from each of you.

― Jeff Wright (JeffW1858), Thursday, 19 August 2004 02:35 (twenty-one years ago)

they tried to apply Six Sigma to an INVESTMENT BANK.

― hstencil (hstencil), Thursday, 19 August 2004 02:37 (twenty-one years ago)

For when I worked at a sporting goods store last year they made me go all the way to Park Royal (W. Van), a 1.5 hr bus ride, I was late and on hella coke, everyone there was so chipper and knew shit about the products while I didn't, I left early, the course conductor reported me and I got a warning for it. I quit in a few months anyway because honestly I didn't really need a job at that juncture. A few months down the road I saw the course conductor in a club, I made peace and bought him a beer, and he asked if I had any pills to sell.

― LC, Thursday, 19 August 2004 02:52 (twenty-one years ago)

FOLLOW THE CHEESE, DONT WAIT FOR IT TO COME BACK TO YOU.

Man there's something so Donnie Darko about all this, isnt there?

― Trayce (trayce), Thursday, 19 August 2004 02:58 (twenty-one years ago)

I actually RUN the Six Sigma reports for Br1t1sh G@s, and they're a pain in the ass. The actual devised functions talks about standard deviation and all kinda shit, but it's actually just tally them up, multiply by a million to get your DPMO, and job's a good'un. I like having power over my boss's boss's boss though.

― Johnney B (Johnney B), Thursday, 19 August 2004 07:11 (twenty-one years ago)

6 Smegma is a good thing if the entire company is committed to that type of culture .. but like TQM, ISO & CMM before* it, it's damn near impossible to make the culture shift when people are used to being sloppy. Imposing a set of processes from the top-down is doomed to fail.

*before it, as the latest cure-all for bad processes. It's been successful for quite some time in places where it was implemented by organizations that truly understood principles of quality management.

― dave225 (Dave225), Thursday, 19 August 2004 10:57 (twenty-one years ago)

its good for manufacturing - yes, absolutely. but it's absolute terror for an r&d environment which is where i am, ands it leaves me feeling icky.

― AaronK (AaronK), Thursday, 19 August 2004 11:42 (twenty-one years ago)

four months pass...

I have a full day of "diversity training" next week - how scared should I be?

― .adam (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:06 (twenty-one years ago)

START ONE BLOG

― Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (deangulberry), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:10 (twenty-one years ago)

― .adam (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:16 (twenty-one years ago)

START ONE BLOG
-- Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (power.strik...) (webmail), January 5th, 2005 11:10 AM. (deangulberry) (link)

― Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (deangulberry), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:19 (twenty-one years ago)

What does it mean?

― .adam (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I have spent entire days in training for how to navigate excruciatingly simple, user-friendly insurance company rating software. Hence, I have spent entire days chugging coffee and imagining a choir of Keebler elves in Hawaiian shirts singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" just to keep myself awake.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:30 (twenty-one years ago)

START ONE BLOG
-- Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (power.strik...) (webmail), January 5th, 2005 11:10 AM. (deangulberry) (link)
-- Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (power.strik...), January 5th, 2005 2:19 PM. (deangulberry)

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:31 (twenty-one years ago)

You should start a blog, .adam!

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:31 (twenty-one years ago)

― Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (deangulberry), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:31 (twenty-one years ago)

I tried. I don't know if it's me. I'm not enough of a big-picture person.

― .adam (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:33 (twenty-one years ago)

I was just joking. "Diversity training" has hilarity potential and would just the type of quirky thing that one would (but should not) start a blog about.

A similar thing is going on at our office but it seems less like a training exercise and more of a movement, which probably means that it exists in name only. We had a luncheon where a former NFL player spoke and it was somewhat dreadful and embarrassing.

You have something to look forward to...

― Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (deangulberry), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:38 (twenty-one years ago)

It's always funny when Dean goes all literal!

― .adam (nordicskilla), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:39 (twenty-one years ago)

dean has been really funny lately.
-- mark p (mark.p****...), January 4th, 2005.

― Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (deangulberry), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:41 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, who are you talking to there in the third person? The people of your homeland?

― Literal Dean 2005 f/k/a Carl Winslow and Jeanne-Claude (deangulberry), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 19:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Is anything at work as painful s trying to stay awake in a training session, once you've passed that threshold of completely tuning out? I was hallucinating some pretty good stuff this afternoon as I tried to keep from falling asleep.

― dave225 (Dave225), Wednesday, 5 January 2005 20:31 (twenty-one years ago)

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