I just lied and told two young women with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that I'm a Muslim.

Message Bookmarked

Bookmark Removed

So I was walking down the street to the post office on this fine crisp and sunny morning when up the sidewalk come two handsome young women who are remarkably well dressed, and carrying backpacks. As we grow closer, them walking west on the same sidewalk I am heading due east on, I realize they aren't just attempting to avoid making eye contact with me, as so many passersby are prone to do, but in fact are actively SEEKING an audience with me, a random strange shaggy long-haired fellow in moderately hippy office-style attire.

This is when I realize what's going on: they are here to sell me The Jesus.

"Hi, we're [names go here] with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and are you interested in learning more about Jesus, and how he can help you live a better life on Earth?" Upon them asking me this, as has been the case every time someone offering salvation in the name of the Lord phrased it as though I were pulling through a drive-thru and they were offering to supersize my whatever I had just ordered, I paused, extendedly, trying to think of how I could: A) GET AWAY, B) not get into an extended debate over the nature of existence and a Supreme Being and whatnot, and C) not offend or frighten them (especially as, as I said above, they were nice to look upon). Somewhat panicked now (it has been approximately ten seconds of very awkward silence on their part and mumbly "hm"s and "huh"s on mine), I tell them:

"I'm sorry, I'm not really particularly interested in that."

Polite. Simple. Honest. I had done well. I was prepared to move on, but as we all know, salvation merchants are not that easily deterred:

"Um, do you maybe have any friends or family that might be interested in learning about The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints?", she asks.

This is where something in me just kinda lets go. After all these years of Jehova's Witnesses, Mormons, COJCOLDSers, etc. hitting me up in social settings, in my own home, and now finally ON A SIDEWALK OUT IN THE FREEZONE, I guess that little voice in the back of my head that, for so long, has managed to reign in my frustration with these folks and help me maintain a patient (albeit sneakily condescending) demeanor in dealing with the door-to-door Jesus sales, well, I guess that was when that little voice died forever.

"I'm not interested. My family and friends aren't interested. I am Islamic. Thank you, but I must be going now."

It felt soooooooooo good! I am actually somewhat sad that I didn't suggest they go put on a burqa and cover up their flesh, so as not to tempt me.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:20 (twenty-one years ago)

Also: Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (CJCOLDSers), GET A NEW NAME. EVEN JESUS HATES THE NAME OF YOUR CHURCH, FAGTOGS.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:20 (twenty-one years ago)

dude Allah will punish you for your lies.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:23 (twenty-one years ago)

They would occasionally give out the Book of Mormon outside my college. I took one because it has pictures in the middle, including an awesome painting of Jesus talking to some Aztecs.

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:25 (twenty-one years ago)

I read that as 'Allah will punch you for your lies'.

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:25 (twenty-one years ago)

he might do that too.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:26 (twenty-one years ago)

wait that should've been capitalized. Now He's gonna punch me!

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:26 (twenty-one years ago)

You could have got some hot Mormon XXX action, but they're not gonna get with now idol-worshipping heretic. You blew it.

― andy, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:29 (twenty-one years ago)

hstencil OTM

― amateur!!st, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:31 (twenty-one years ago)

'And remember, children, if you lie, ALLAH WILL PUNCH YOU!'

― luna (luna.c), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:31 (twenty-one years ago)

ha ha, Andy you are a treat

I keep thinking back on it. I should've gone further with it. Introduced myself as Mahmoud. Offered them a copy of the Koran (which I think I might start carrying with me, just in case). Asked them if they understood the principles of inner jihad.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:32 (twenty-one years ago)

I find in these situations that a curt and firm but polite "No Thank You" (pronounce those upper case letters!) tends to make fuckers bothering me in the street Shut The Fuck Up.

― Jimmybommy JimmyK'KANG (Nick Southall), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Say man, they tell me you think you're pretty good
Don't you know you're in my neighborhood
They tell me you're pretty fast on your feet
So I want you to meet me at the dance hall
On Market Street, you hear
There's gonna be a showdown
There's gonna be a showdownj, showdown, oh yeah

I've got ten notches on my shoes
When it comes to dancin
I just can't lose
They call me the top cat in this man's town
So I want you to meet me before the sun goes down
There's gonna be a showdown
There's gonna be a showdown, showdown, oh yeah

All the girls are losin faith in me
Don't seem like top cat's great
As he used to be
I know I'm good
So you better be better
When you get out on the floor
You better have your steps together
There's gonna be a showdown
There's gonna be a showdown, showdown, oh yeah

Now my reputation has been one of the fastest men alive
So I'm gonna see how good you are when I count to five
(One) oh man, you better stop
(Two) You can do better than that
(Three) Man will you move aside
(Four-Five) And let me get out here and do my jive
There's gonna be a showdown
There's gonna be a showdown, showdown, oh yeah

― amateur!!st, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I once told some Jehova's Witnesses I was Jewish (which is quite a stretch of the imagination) when they woke me up, hungover, at home one Saturday morning. When they countered that in that case I understood their love of God, I pointed out that this way my Sabbath and if they were respectful they should leave and allow me to get on with it. Which they did.

I have a knack for this, I once told a dairy touting for door-to-door deliveries I was a Vegan.

― aldo_cowpat (aldo_cowpat), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:38 (twenty-one years ago)

damn muslim hippies!

― mookieproof (mookieproof), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:39 (twenty-one years ago)

nickalicious that's a great plan if you want the FBI to start following you everywhere.

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:42 (twenty-one years ago)

Yeah, you won't be laughing when you're rotting in a kennel in Cuba for the next four years.

― andy, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:47 (twenty-one years ago)

Next time I'm going to claim to be ZOROASTRIAN. And since nobody knows what the fuck Zoroastrians believe I can make up whatever crazy shit I want and they'll go for it.

― nickalicious (nickalicious), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:50 (twenty-one years ago)

wait that should've been capitalized. Now He's gonna punch me!

Do double initializations of HIs name for a while, like the LOrd GOd's various appellations are written in some old xian books. Might do the trick.

― OleM (OleM), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I told a woman who phoned up to try and get me to join a gym that I was in a wheelchair. I know, I know, I'm going to hell.

― Wooden (Wooden), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

When they've come to the door, I have lied and pretended to already be convinced. It sort of flusters them because they don't expect it. I say something like "Jesus is already my one true saviour! Praise you and the lord for the good work you're doing!!" I smile and get that crazed xtian look in my eye. They go away quickly.

― Maria D. (Maria D.), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 17:00 (twenty-one years ago)

That's cool you saw the painting of Jesus smoking the peace pipe with Chief Joseph. The Mormons have really been downplaying the "Jesus Came to America" part of the mythos, because it is, after all, a bit laughable. But I think the official party line is that the Ten Commandments are still laying somewhere in the Utah desert, near an Arbie's in Odgen I think.

― andy, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 17:04 (twenty-one years ago)

I start quoting the Bible at them, usually, then say "But there are a lot of contradictions really. See ya" before walking off.

― R.I.M.A. (Barima), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 17:11 (twenty-one years ago)

If you get JWs, tell them you are from 7DA or Christadelphian family, but you've left the church. They will climb over each other to get the fuck away from you as they are supposed to shun you according to their tenets.

I've been stymieing prostletyzers since I was about 12, everything from telling them 'Beelzebub my Master wouldn't approve' to dressing up in a bathrobe, mudpack and hairnet to answer the door to them.

And yeah, OTM with the comparison to being offered the Supersize option. ARGHHHH.

― suzy (suzy), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 17:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I just had an epiphany: the next time I get a telemarketing call about long-distance service, I'm going to say, "Sorry, I don't have a phone," and hang up.

― n/a (Nick A.), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 17:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Just say this, it works every time:

"I shit on your god."

― shookout (shookout), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 17:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Brilliant xpost.

― Leeeter van den Hoogenband (Leee), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 17:52 (twenty-one years ago)

The only book I've thrown away was a copy of the Book of Mormon that some missionaries gave me in the street. Well, to be honest, in the middle of a park.

It does have great illustrations in it, though. I'm kind of a bit suspicious that they might have been done by the same chap that did the cover-art of the Gor books.

― caitlin (caitlin), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:39 (twenty-one years ago)

I used to lie and try to be clever about getting rid of them. But I've found that the fastest way is to take the literature from their hands, say "thank you, have a nice day" and keep going. Then they can feel good about having maybe reached me - although I throw their piece of shit away as soon as I see a can.

― dave225 (Dave225), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:45 (twenty-one years ago)

What exactly is a FAGTOG?

― Star Cauliflower (Star Cauliflower), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:51 (twenty-one years ago)

'And remember, children, if you lie, ALLAH WILL PUNCH YOU!'

I read this as "ALLAH WILL PINCH YOU".

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Also, I've done the "I don't have a phone, sorry" thing.

― Jordan (Jordan), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Wouldn't it be better if you lied to them and said you were a Mormon? That way they'd realise they were wasting their time 'cos you already knew all you needed to know.

― Dadaismus (Dada), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:52 (twenty-one years ago)

but what if they give you a pop quiz then?

― hstencil (hstencil), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:54 (twenty-one years ago)

Some parts of the Qur'an attribute differences between Muslims and non-Muslims to tahref-ma'any, a "corruption of the meaning" of the words. In this view, the Jewish Bible and Christian New Testament are true, but the Jews and Christians misunderstood the meaning of their own Scripture, and thus need the Qur'an to clearly understand the will of God. However, other parts of the Qur'an make clear that many Jews and Christians used deliberately altered versions of their scripture, and had altered the word of God. This belief was developed further in medieval Islamic polemics, and is a mainstream part of both Sunni and Shi'ite Islam today. This is known as the doctrine of tahref-lafzy, "the corruption of the text". Either way the Quran clearly states that the necessary information which was written in the previous scriptures can also be found in the Quran: "And We have sent down to you (O Muhammad) the Book (this Qur’aan) in truth, confirming the Scripture that came before it and Mohaymin (trustworthy in highness and a witness) over it (old Scriptures). So judge among them by what Allah has revealed" [al-Maa’idah 5:48]

Historically, Islamic scholars have agreed that the Qur'an gives "People of the Book" special status, allowing those who live in Muslim lands (called dhimmi—protected people) to practice their own religions and to own property. People of the Book were not subject to certain Islamic rules, such as the prohibitions on alcohol and pork. Under the Islamic state, they were exempt from the draft, but were required to pay a tax known as jizyah, part of which went to charity and part to finance churches and synagogues. (They were, however, exempt from the zakat required of Muslims.) This agreement has in the past led to Islamic countries practicing religious toleration, often more so than some European countries of the past.

― ())(())()()()(()(LASER)()()()LA(Z)E(R)()()()((L)()()(A)(S(E)R()()()) (ex machina, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 18:54 (twenty-one years ago)

A few years ago a Jehovah's Witness asked me if my parents would allow me to look at the Bible. I almost laughed, and wasn't sure exactly what to sya...there are people whose parents DON'T let them see the Bible?

I wonder what they'd say if you told Mormons or JWs you were a nondenominational Christian or something. Would that be good enough, or would they keep trying to convert you?

― Maria (Maria), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm usually a magnet for these people. Saying you practice a different religion doesn't always work -- once I told them I was a deeply orthodox Jew, but they still pestered me to come to their services. Maybe they knew I was lying since I don't look or dress like a pious Jew.

I had the most success by launching into a monologue about scientific refutations of creationism. About three minutes into my bit, the guy just started walking away without saying a word.

― Barry Bruner (Barry Bruner), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 21:28 (twenty-one years ago)

But I think the official party line is that the Ten Commandments are still laying somewhere in the Utah desert, near an Arbie's in Odgen I think.

No no no no, Joseph Smith dug up the 15 (!!! extra tablet!!!) commandments in his backyard in Missouri! And he kept them. But noone ever saw them. But he said he had them. Where are they today?

― gygax! (gygax!), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 21:51 (twenty-one years ago)

Once I was at a diner with outdoor seating. My friend found a book of Mormon on one of the tables. He picked it up, opened it to a random page, wiped his ass with it, then put it back on the table.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 21:58 (twenty-one years ago)

Wait, gygax!, didn't Smith find them in upstate NY? Or was that some other conveniently missing tablet?

― tokyo rosemary (rosemary), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 22:07 (twenty-one years ago)

A handy breakdown of belief and refutation. And there's plenty more where that came from.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 22:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Next time I'm going to claim to be ZOROASTRIAN. And since nobody knows what the fuck Zoroastrians believe I can make up whatever crazy shit I want and they'll go for it.

Hey, if Zoroastrianism is good enough for Freddie Mercury and the Three Wise Men

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 22:13 (twenty-one years ago)

Ned had all kinds of religion debunking links on his website last time I checked.
I liked that South Park Mormon episode.

― AaronHz (AaronHz), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 22:15 (twenty-one years ago)

The mor(m)ons never bothered to climb the stairs to the apartment, but the 7th Day Adventists did twice. Usually it was a girl who knocked with a guy lurking in the background and each time I shut them down by telling the girl "did you know that your religion forbids women from having power in your organization? come back when a woman runs it."

― Elvis Telecom (Chris Barrus), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 22:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I always tell them I'm pagan. Works like a charm. Pun, of course, intended.

― Hey Jude, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 22:24 (twenty-one years ago)

gygax, that's why they call it FAITH.

― Leeeter van den Hoogenband (Leee), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 23:03 (twenty-one years ago)

It's okay, nickalicious, theres no shame in lying to Infidels who have not accepted that Allah is God and Mohammad is his Prophet.

― Lord Custos Epsilon (Lord Custos Epsilon), Tuesday, 31 August 2004 23:22 (twenty-one years ago)

i always tell jovos flat out that i'm jewish; i enjoy watching them run

― minerva, Tuesday, 31 August 2004 23:57 (twenty-one years ago)

Don't be too mean to them; who knows? Maybe they'll make a phone call to the Church of Homeland Security.

― Evanston Wade (EWW), Wednesday, 1 September 2004 00:02 (twenty-one years ago)

Just telling JW's that you're Catholic will work sometimes because, you know, Catholics worship the Pope, the Virgin Mary, statues in the park, and Frank Sinatra as well as The Big 3.

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Wednesday, 1 September 2004 00:17 (twenty-one years ago)

I'd love to seduce a mormon, they're always so good looking. Do they breed them out of a pen?

― Nellie (nellskies), Wednesday, 1 September 2004 01:08 (twenty-one years ago)

I've heard Utah called many things, but not a pen.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 1 September 2004 01:30 (twenty-one years ago)

http://www.paulawalla.com/pics/us_wood_penset.jpg

― Leeeter van den Hoogenband (Leee), Wednesday, 1 September 2004 03:03 (twenty-one years ago)

You must be logged in to post. Please either login here, or if you are not registered, you may register here.