Imagine Robert Smith walking into a bar..

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He says "There is no if, just this..."

And then he whips out his cock.

― ^_^, Thursday, 11 November 2004 02:14 (twenty-one years ago)

You have to start somewhere. But who's the other person in your slash?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Thursday, 11 November 2004 02:20 (twenty-one years ago)

he probably couldn't see it because all that hair was in his face

― JaXoN (JasonD), Thursday, 11 November 2004 02:26 (twenty-one years ago)

lol tolhurst sits agog on a rickety barstool. "oi knows a drummer," he says, taking a long swig of brown ale and wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

― bulbs (bulbs), Thursday, 11 November 2004 02:34 (twenty-one years ago)

The OP was hilarious at three in the morning.
Seriously, read it when really tired.

― ^_^, Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I am now afraid that the the word "kawaii!" will now be forever linked to Robert Smith's cock.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:03 (twenty-one years ago)

and the barkeep says, "We don't usually get a lot of call for that around here."

― briania (briania), Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar

the barman says 'why the long face?'

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

― Freelance Hiveminder (blueski), Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:21 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar and puts his head between his hands.

Bartender says, "What's wrong, mate? What can I do for you?"

Robert Smith shakes his head and very quietly says, "Piss me. Piss me. Piss me."

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into bar, hits his head on it, gets really depressed, and writes like 50 songs about it.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar. The barman says 'sorry we don't serve food'

Actually that doesn't work

― robster (robster), Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:34 (twenty-one years ago)

what a personal disaster

― Freelance Hiveminder (blueski), Thursday, 11 November 2004 15:44 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar. "Hey!" shouts the barman. "We don't serve poncy goth saddoes here!"

Robert beats the barman to death with a tire iron.

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Interviewer: Robert, how do you feel about everybody trying to get their hair like yours?

Robert: It doesn't matter if we all dye.

― miccio (miccio), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:53 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar. He orders a shot of whiskey, drinks it down, orders another shot, drinks it down, orders a third shot, and downs that one too. The bartender says "Wow, you seem really upset...are you okay?" Robert Smith says "I've had the worst day ever. I've been trying to find the perfect Biblical quote to reference in my new song, so I've spent the entire day poring over the Bible, but I still can't find the quote I'm looking for. And to make things worse, I think I'm coming down with a cold." The bartender says "That sounds pretty bad." Robert Smith says "Yeah, I've been looking so long at these scriptures AH CHOO!"

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

This is my finest moment.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar and the barkeep says "is it five o'clock already?"

― miccio (miccio), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:55 (twenty-one years ago)

arr, not bad n/a

― mark grout (mark grout), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:56 (twenty-one years ago)

I did not laugh when I read nick's post, but oddly enough, I did sneeze. No, really.

― Kenan (kenan), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:56 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barkeep asks how he's feeling. Smith says he's feeling depressed. The barkeep says "of course you, do. you're a old, fat, ugly cure fan. they haven't made a good album in years. Take the make-up off, get a haircut, get a life or just kill yourself already."

― miccio (miccio), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar. barmaid says 'hi Rob, my you look worn out' whilst re-stuffing a cushion.

Smith replies 'yes i could do with a little sleep...that a pillow, girl?'

(shoots self)

― Freelance Hiveminder (blueski), Thursday, 11 November 2004 16:59 (twenty-one years ago)

(I am mad that the current climate of the board means I can't write "Fuck you, Anthony. *HUGGLEZ*" without people thinking I'm serious and starting a gigantic fight.)

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 11 November 2004 17:02 (twenty-one years ago)

well, I'M flattered.

― miccio (miccio), Thursday, 11 November 2004 17:03 (twenty-one years ago)

I woke up at seven
And my body was vibrating
I was wrapped up in a blanket
I was grey, damp and sore
The bedroom was an engine
And my heartbeat was erratic
Like I think I'm at the racing
Of the night before

― The Ghost of Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Thursday, 11 November 2004 17:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar

The barman says why the fuck did you make Mint Car? I mean jesus.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 11 November 2004 17:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey, Bobby. What can I get for you to drink?"

Smith replies, "Same deep water as you."

(I'm trying too hard.)

((or not hard enough.))

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Thursday, 11 November 2004 17:49 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar whose specialty is various fruit-flavored liquors. He is fond of this establishment because he went there on his first date with his wife, and since then, apple schnapps has been the drink that reminds of them of their dating days. However, today he's in the mood for something different, so he orders a few drinks and goes home. When he walks in, his wife smells the alcohol on his breath and bursts into tears. "You haven't been drinking apple schnapps, you must not love me anymore! Tell me - what you been drinking?" Robert Smith says "Boysenberry, don't cry."

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:01 (twenty-one years ago)

This thread is *everyone's* finest moment.

― Kenan (kenan), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:05 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar and bartender asks Robert where he's been. Robert says "North Carolina". The bartender asks him whereabouts in NC and does he go there often. Robert says "Charlotte, sometimes".

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:07 (twenty-one years ago)

I am clearly putting WAY more effort into this than anyone else. I don't even LIKE the Cure, I had to do research to make sure I got the "Pictures of You" lyrics right and I looked up "boysenberry" in the dictionary to make sure of the spelling.

― n/a (Nick A.), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:09 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar, crying. Barmaid asks 'what's the problem Bobsy?' Smith replies 'didn't you see the news?' Barmaid: 'Oh I heard something about the lead singer of Blur having been badly burned in a studio fire'.

"Yeah", Bob sniffed, "Fried Damon, love"

― Freelance Hiveminder (blueski), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:21 (twenty-one years ago)

oh boy

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I love this thread so much.

― Matt (Matt), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar, and some hours later he walks out again.

― jel -- (jel), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar. Bartender says, "Hey Bobby. I've got this cheap ass whiskey that I want you to try."

Robert Smith says that he's always up for trying a new drink. He sips it slowly.

Bartender says, "Well? How's it taste to you?"

Robert Smith shrugs his shoulders and replies, "Eh, just like heaven hill."

...

...At at the end of the bar, Grant Hart does a spit take, turns around, and goes "Whaaa?"

― Pleasant Plains (Pleasant Plains), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar, carrying some insect shaped jewelry. Bartender asks him if he's selling it. Bob says yes. Bartender asks him how much. Bob says "Shilling, a scarab".

― lawrence kansas (lawrence kansas), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:29 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of John Smiths, "are you related?" askes the barman, "no, Smith is a common surname" Robert replies.

― jel -- (jel), Thursday, 11 November 2004 18:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Why does Mary Poole not want anyone to know what she looks like?

She's married to Robert Smith.

― miccio (miccio), Thursday, 11 November 2004 19:00 (twenty-one years ago)

jel wins

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Friday, 12 November 2004 01:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a nightclub looking rather bored. A girl comes up to him who is clearly having the time of her life e'ing off her noggin.

"Got a pill, o girl?" he asks.

(man that sucked.)

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 12 November 2004 02:04 (twenty-one years ago)

esp. as i already tried to do that one ;)

― Freelance Hiveminder (blueski), Friday, 12 November 2004 10:18 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert smith blah blah blah the love cats.

― mark grout (mark grout), Friday, 12 November 2004 10:30 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith Walks into a bar. The barman says:
"Hey, you're Robert Smith! My friends and I have a long-running debate about whether you are gay or not. He thinks all this stuff about you and girls is all made up. Tell us the truth!"

"Maybe somday", Smith replies.

Robert is not amused by this. A French barmaid comes up to Robert and tries again:
"Oh but Monsieur Smith, pleeease won't you tell us if you like girls or boys?"

Smith sighs, looks her straight in the eye and says "I... like cock. Et tu?"

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Friday, 12 November 2004 10:36 (twenty-one years ago)

sorry. it's early. and apparently i can't type either.

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Friday, 12 November 2004 10:37 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar and the barman says "Weren't you here the other night?" Robert reples "Yes, about 10:15, Saturday Night".
The barman says "How do you know it was exactly 10:15?" and Bob points to his watch and says "Accurist, see?"

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Friday, 12 November 2004 11:32 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar.
"Wow, you look tired!" says the barman.

"Another journey by train, I'm afriad. Bloody delays and track problems at Birmingham New Street. Had to jump on someone else's."

"Sounds rough", says the barman.

"You don't know the half of it! First, this goddamn baby screams beside me for the whole ride. I mean, normally I don't mind this, but it was so close to me. I tried singing a lullaby, but it was no good. Oh... if only tonight I could sleep!"

"Christ, that's awful. What train was it?"

"10:15. Saturday Night."

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Friday, 12 November 2004 11:45 (twenty-one years ago)

simultaneous post... DAMN!

― Rob Bolton (Rob Bolton), Friday, 12 November 2004 11:45 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a retro beatnik bar. The bartender says "Oh wow, man, Robert Smith of the Cure...you are one hip daddy-o. Can you, like, turn us on to the true meaning of this crazy life thing?" Robert Smith turns to the bartender and the patrons and says "Love, cats."

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:15 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into the bar and strikes up a conversation with one of the patrons whose name is Kevin and who is worried about how to do his taxes. Robert Smith shakes his head, makes his googly eyes and says, "Just lie, Kevin."

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:24 (twenty-one years ago)

this thread keeps getting better.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:26 (twenty-one years ago)

Later, Robert Smith walks into a bar/diner and sits down. A flock of his fans come to fawn over him, and one asks "M-M-M-Mr. Smith, sir, what are the three most important things in life?" Robert Smith looks him dead in the eye and quips "Fried eggs, ham, and love"

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:28 (twenty-one years ago)

That one's a bit of a stretch. You have to slur your speech a little for it to work.

― n/a (Nick A.), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:29 (twenty-one years ago)

You had me, then you lost me.

― Kenan (kenan), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:30 (twenty-one years ago)

n/a, if I ever hear that song again, your alternate lyrics will spring to mind.

― Michael White (Hereward), Friday, 12 November 2004 22:35 (twenty-one years ago)

Hahah! Nick, your "love, cats" one was brill.

― Trayce (trayce), Friday, 12 November 2004 23:04 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar. He looks up to see what the specials are. The board reads "PINT OF GIINNESS." "Bloody hell, mate," Robert Smith says to the bartender, "don't you know how to spell?" "Oh, I know how to spell," says the bartender, grinning. "That's just the way we spell it around here. We like it better that way." Baffled, Robert Smith says, "But why? Why can't 'I' be 'U'?"

― jaymc (jaymc), Friday, 12 November 2004 23:07 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a gun store with a raging headache. He asks the salesclerk to hand him the widest-barrelled shotgun they have plus bullets. He loads the shotgun, sticks the barrell in his mouth and, just as he's about to pull the trigger, he takes the barrell out of his mouth and shrugs:

"Easy Cure."

ta-dum

― Jay Vee (Manon_70), Friday, 12 November 2004 23:16 (twenty-one years ago)

"barrel" with one "l", right?

― Jay Vee (Manon_70), Friday, 12 November 2004 23:17 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar, hawking statuettes of a dead princess. "But they're only one colour!" complained one customer. "Why can't Di be blue?" said Robert...

(as texted to Freelance Hiveminder on Saturday, reprinted for the greater populace and the greater good)

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Monday, 15 November 2004 11:55 (twenty-one years ago)

Robert Smith walks into a bar and buys a pint. He sits and reads an article in a UK tabloid about the Jim Henson's strong female Muppets character. Wishing to draw the article to the barman's attention he says "Look at Piggy in the Mirror".

― Onimo (GerryNemo), Monday, 15 November 2004 12:26 (twenty-one years ago)

*applause*

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Monday, 15 November 2004 12:32 (twenty-one years ago)

'Loaf' would work better than 'love' in n/a's otherwise splendid fried eggs joke above.

― Affectian (Affectian), Tuesday, 16 November 2004 00:47 (twenty-one years ago)

SO ROBERT SMITH GOES TO EAT AT PETER PARKER'S HOUSE FOR DINNER

― Curt1s St3ph3ns, Tuesday, 16 November 2004 00:50 (twenty-one years ago)

A harp seal walks into a bar. (The end.)

― big ed delahanty, Tuesday, 16 November 2004 00:51 (twenty-one years ago)

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