"You're a strange girl."

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I was talking with a girl who broke up with me recently, and I found myself saying this to her, in a tone somewhere between annoyed and admiring. She is a strange girl--I mean this both critically but also as a basic statement of fact. She responds strangely to things. She talks a lot when she's uncomfortable, and when we should be talking about "us," she starts telling endless stories about her friends and family which I feel very guilty for being a bit bored by (or rather, I"m just too distracted by other things on my mind to pay enough attention)--even when she broke up with me, I had to sit through a one-hour story about her grandmother before she did it. I understand completely her impulse to beat around the bush on occasion, but she does so in a way that only calls attention to itself, it doesn't provide a real distraction. I find this frustrating in the extreme, though I don't resent it.

Anyway, my question is: Would you take this as an insult? (Obviously if you are a boy please change to "You're a strange boy" and respond accordingly.) I didn't mean to insult her--or maybe I did. No, I don't think I did. I was just exasperated by our lack of communication and rather than make the conversation all "meta" and potentially even more insufferably awkward, I just said, "You're a strange girl."

(I was sort of hoping she'd say, "How am I strange?" but instead she said, "Yeah, I am. But we're all strange somehow aren't we..." and then trailed off. Then I said I'd talk to her soon.)

― Nobody, Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:24 (twenty-one years ago)

I wouldn't take it as an insult. But maybe that's just me. It doesn't sound like she took it that way, either. If you still feel like you want to make the greater point to her, though -- and it sounds like you're a little frustrated that you didn't -- you'll probably have to go the insufferably-awkward route to get through to her at all.

― Rickey Wright (Rrrickey), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:31 (twenty-one years ago)

yeah, but i don't think it's worth it

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:38 (twenty-one years ago)

that's a hard thing to realize.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:39 (twenty-one years ago)

you know?

― OK yeah it's me, Amateurist. Hi everyone! (Amateur(ist)), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:39 (twenty-one years ago)

Has she had many boyfriends? Maybe she doesn't know what one talks about with boyfriends. Maybe it was a complete act, but that would be insulting to both of you. If she takes it for granted that she is strange, then it may be deliberate, even though she may have her reasons. If she isn't open about whatever it is, there is probably nothing you can do to help the relationship or to help her. It seems like you've been considerate.

― youn, Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:43 (twenty-one years ago)

well, she broke up with me, it's not really for me to be "considerate." although i don't think she really needs me to suddenly get critical or insulting in a way i never was when we were dating. that won't help anyone.

i don't think she really knows how to be in a relationship. she criticized me for not knowing how, and it's true that i'm not very good at it, but i think perhaps it's the fact that neither of us could really lead the other that was the biggest problem. or a problem, in any event.

why am i expressing this on the interweb? i must be bored.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:52 (twenty-one years ago)

If it matters, I composed my reply before I knew it was you.

If you think it is worth it, I think you should look her up a bit later. Maybe she has expectations or uncertainties that will work out differently over time. I think this is particularly relevant if you are similar, in terms of temperament or background.

― youn, Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:57 (twenty-one years ago)

"You're a neat girl."
"So are you."

― Aaron Hertz (AaronHz), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:58 (twenty-one years ago)

blue velvet! funny enough, i was watching that last week! i love that scene.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Sunday, 16 January 2005 23:59 (twenty-one years ago)

I think she comes from another world.

― Kim (Kim), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:01 (twenty-one years ago)

I wonder if you told her any part of what you wrote in your question. That would be taking the lead.

― youn, Monday, 17 January 2005 00:05 (twenty-one years ago)

i don't get this thread.

― John (jdahlem), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:06 (twenty-one years ago)

I am a strange boy

― MY FAVOURITE LIGHTER IS CHEESEBURGER (trigonalmayhem), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:07 (twenty-one years ago)

well, the time for "taking the lead" is past! i think i just want a kind of clarity from her that i'm not going to get (and she doesn't really owe me). or i had naïve hopes that after breaking up we could speak with a candor and thus transcend the communication problems that were such a problem while we were dating. but we're still the same people, with different ways of addressing things. and perhaps my motives in calling her were too mixed for the conversation to have proceeded in any one direction without my feeling a bit blocked.

i think we all think we're strange! the question is, when someone tells us we're strange, what do they mean?

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:08 (twenty-one years ago)

god, i love kyle maclachlan.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:09 (twenty-one years ago)

"It's a strange world."

― Aaron Hertz (AaronHz), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:10 (twenty-one years ago)

It's a thing to say.

― youn, Monday, 17 January 2005 00:10 (twenty-one years ago)

i like how when he gets excited, his eyes bulge out in this small-boy-being-offered-a-pie way and he smiles broadly and sort of talks through his teeth. he did this a lot as agent cooper. (i.e. his comment to sherriff truman about the "majestic" trees in the pilot episode.)

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:10 (twenty-one years ago)

xpost

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:10 (twenty-one years ago)

i had naïve hopes that after breaking up we could speak with a candor and thus transcend the communication problems that were such a problem while we were dating.

It should be a play in two acts with all of the dialogue after the intermission.

― youn, Monday, 17 January 2005 00:12 (twenty-one years ago)

"Douglas firs!"

― Aaron Hertz (AaronHz), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:13 (twenty-one years ago)

it should be a play in two acts with all of the dialogue after the intermission.

well, it is a naïve hope. and i'd much prefer if there was sex before and after the intermission.

i need to stop thinking of the breakup as an event *in* the relationship and remember that it *ended* the relationship. certain thought patterns are hard to break, however. and unfortunately, the goal of continuing to talk to her and see her, while noble (and sincere!), makes breaking those patterns potentially more difficult.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 17 January 2005 00:47 (twenty-one years ago)

what's perhaps scary is that she isn't telling me these long, somewhat banal stories because she's uncomfortable or nervous-- but because she really is the sort of person to tell long, somewhat banal stories all the time, and doesn't have a particular gift for telling stories. the scary part is that i didn't even entertain this possibility until after she broke up with me.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 17 January 2005 01:48 (twenty-one years ago)

I don't necessarily think that the statement "you're a strange girl" carries a derogatory connotation on its own, and in fact, I can easily imagine it being used in a positive way, i.e., "you're so fucking weird/quirky, I love it!" That said, my most recent ex and I used to tell each we were strange a lot, and it was often a polite way of saying, "OMG I totally don't understand you at all and I never will," which meant that when we eventually broke up it sort of seemed inevitable.

― jaymc (jaymc), Monday, 17 January 2005 09:34 (twenty-one years ago)

i get called odd and weird. but always in an affectionate way.

― Hari A$hur$t (Toaster), Monday, 17 January 2005 11:20 (twenty-one years ago)

i have never seen 'the srange love of martha ivers' ("Fate drew them together... and only murder could part them!") but the title always struck me as very poetic. ditto 'the strange affair of abigail harris' which I think was a TV series in the 70s

sorry that's not much help, is it? it's totally not an insult in my book though.

― debden, Monday, 17 January 2005 11:24 (twenty-one years ago)

if you'd said 'you're a silly girl' and then started singing 'silly girl' by the telvision personalities you'd have been in hotter water i think.

― debden, Monday, 17 January 2005 11:37 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm kind of proud of being a strange one, however it precludes me from having any long term relationships with non-strange people.

― papa november (papa november), Monday, 17 January 2005 12:04 (twenty-one years ago)

"OMG I totally don't understand you at all and I never will"

that's more or less how i meant it.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Monday, 17 January 2005 15:19 (twenty-one years ago)

I find it very endearing when my partners tell endless stories about their families.

― thee music mole, Monday, 17 January 2005 20:26 (twenty-one years ago)

I'm kind of proud of being a strange one, however it precludes me from having any long term relationships with non-strange people.

-- papa november, January 17th, 2005.

this was exactly what my answer would be. when i say that someone is a strange bird it means they really must be acting unfathomably weird.

― scout (scout), Tuesday, 18 January 2005 08:16 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

The amorous subject's propensity to talk copiously, with repressed feeling, to the love being, about his love for that being, for himself, for them: the declaration does not bear upon the avowal of love, but upon the endlessly glossed form of the amorous relation.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Tuesday, 1 March 2005 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

loved being

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Tuesday, 1 March 2005 23:27 (twenty-one years ago)

That "strange girl" sounds kinda cool/interesting. I think the key was the part about her being uncomfortable - she was probably never fully at ease. I bet she'd be a great girlfriend for just the right person, though.

― Matthew C Perpetua (inca), Tuesday, 1 March 2005 23:40 (twenty-one years ago)

have you still stayed in touch with her or were you able to stifle the urge to stay connected?

― zaxxon25 (zaxxon25), Tuesday, 1 March 2005 23:53 (twenty-one years ago)

no! she called me, we hung out, we talked. then i ran into her at a few events (which i hadn't attended because of her, a fact she well knew) and she became increasingly, almost incapacitatingly, neurotic on these occasions. eventually i got a call from her that began, "we can't see each other so often!" my suspicion is that this has something to do with the fact that the last person she broke up with wouldn't quite let go of that desperation that follows a break-up--he called a lot, emailed a lot, wondered why she wouldn't get back together with him... (at least, this is the story she recounted to me). i don't think i did anything to suggest that i'd be the same, but i guess she's really worried about it, as noted to the point of being unable to 'deal' well with our meeting in public (at least, for the near future). so oh well. life moves on.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Wednesday, 2 March 2005 00:18 (twenty-one years ago)

why did i post that to ilx?

(answer: i was happy to get a sincere question! rather than a snarky comment from one of ilx's resident jesters.)

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Wednesday, 2 March 2005 00:21 (twenty-one years ago)

i wish she were a little more self-aware, but don't we all (wish we were a little more self-aware, i mean).

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Wednesday, 2 March 2005 00:22 (twenty-one years ago)

i had naïve hopes that after breaking up we could speak with a candor and thus transcend the communication problems that were such a problem while we were dating.

basically the after-story of this thread is that these hopes were, with the exception of one exhausting but friendly conversation, dashed. and i actually quite understand her position, i think (though this didn't stop be from being angry when she called me last).

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Wednesday, 2 March 2005 00:27 (twenty-one years ago)

(Like a bad concert hall, affective space contains dead spots where the sound fails to circulate. --The perfect interlocutor, the friend, is he not the one who contstructs around you the greatest possible resonance? Cannot friendship be defined as a space with total sonority?)

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Wednesday, 2 March 2005 00:40 (twenty-one years ago)

one month passes...

have you still stayed in touch with her or were you able to stifle the urge to stay connected?

i emailed her cos i still have some of her stuff and was feeling guilty, and she hasn't replied yet. i hate having exes.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Saturday, 23 April 2005 15:20 (twenty-one years ago)

seven months pass...

sigh

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Friday, 25 November 2005 06:57 (twenty years ago)

wow i didn't realize how much had passed between the previous post and one just before it.

― Amateur(ist) (Amateur(ist)), Friday, 25 November 2005 06:58 (twenty years ago)

I've been told I am a strange girl/woman. I really don't mind it so much. What does bother me is when I ask them why, people rarely if ever explain this statement.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Friday, 25 November 2005 07:52 (twenty years ago)

i never know whether to interpret "you're strange" as "you're nutty" or "i'm extremely average."

― the jews (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 25 November 2005 07:56 (twenty years ago)

I can deal with average. I always consider myself to be mediocre in everything I am and do. Pathetic I know. But it's a step up from thinking I was the worst out there. Maybe in about three decades I'll think I'm *schpecial*.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Friday, 25 November 2005 07:58 (twenty years ago)

yeah... if the right person says this to me, i take it as endearing or complimentary, but usually it's in the same context as, 'haha... you're funny...' (when people are really thinking: um, not funny haha, this girl's kinda crazy...)

― tres letraj (tehresa), Friday, 25 November 2005 07:58 (twenty years ago)

i can deal with average, except when people wield their averageness against me like a big stick. it's like there's some defense mechanism at work that's deeply ingrained from way back -- the need to prove that they FIT IN, that they're JUST HUMBLE REGULAR FOLK. it's always the average-wielders that say "oh haha, my cousin saw this ART movie you might like; you're into all that WEIRD STUFF."

― the jews (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 25 November 2005 08:10 (twenty years ago)

Me: You're funny
Girl I vaguely know: What do you mean? You're thinking "um, not funny haha, this girl's kinda crazy", aren't you?
Me: Err, no. I just thought you were funny
Girl: Oh...
Me: You're an insecure person, aren't you?
Girl: Yes, I am
...[awkward silence]
Me: well, this is awkward
Girl: Yes, it is.

― Baaderonixx weaves a daisy chain for... SATAN!! (baaderonixx), Friday, 25 November 2005 09:51 (twenty years ago)

well, this is awkward

i can't help feeling that this is something that never really needs to be said as it's always quite obvious to all concerned

― jim p. irrelevant (electricsound), Friday, 25 November 2005 09:52 (twenty years ago)

either it makes it worse, or breaks the moment so you can have a nice laugh about it.

― tres letraj (tehresa), Friday, 25 November 2005 09:53 (twenty years ago)

yeah true

― jim p. irrelevant (electricsound), Friday, 25 November 2005 09:58 (twenty years ago)

well, this is awkward

i can't help feeling that this is something that never really needs to be said as it's always quite obvious to all concerned

ha, that reminds me, i used to have a friend who, in any lull in a normal everyday conversation, would kinda stand there awkwardly for a second and then, very matter-of-factly, say "i've run out of things to say now"!

― CharlieNo4 (Charlie), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:02 (twenty years ago)

Yeah, I thought that by saying it, we could then laugh about it. Which we did, but then we still felt weirdly awkward. Probably more because of the fact that this little chat in a crowded bar created a level of intimacy that neither of us expected.

― Baaderonixx weaves a daisy chain for... SATAN!! (baaderonixx), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:03 (twenty years ago)

charlie i said something very similar to a friend once years and years ago and they stopped speaking to me :(

― jim p. irrelevant (electricsound), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:05 (twenty years ago)

actually the words i used were "we don't seem to have much to say to each other"

(perhaps a little harsh but it was pretty much true)

― jim p. irrelevant (electricsound), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:05 (twenty years ago)

"oh haha, my cousin saw this ART movie you might like; you're into all that WEIRD STUFF."

Oh god, this reminds me when my mum told the cab driver: "She likes weird music." while I was listening to some music on my discman. The one time my *weirdness* (in regard to music) slipped into my social life. hah.

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:06 (twenty years ago)

to some people i know, Wilco is weird

― gear (gear), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:08 (twenty years ago)

I've been told this. I don't think I'm especially strange (although I probably have my moments), but it's almost a compliment. Why be dull?

― Anna (Anna), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:47 (twenty years ago)

I think "strange" is just synonymous in many people's minds with non-conventional.

― Sophisticated Boom Boom (kate), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:49 (twenty years ago)

i'm a bit fed up of being strange i would like to start fitting in more, but i fear its too late now.

― Ste (Fuzzy), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:56 (twenty years ago)

being "strange" loses its novelty pretty quickly

― the jews (Jody Beth Rosen), Friday, 25 November 2005 10:57 (twenty years ago)

that's the cutest thing ever, though. that would make me all melty. cos i am teh big sap.

― Sailor Kitten (g-kit), Friday, 25 November 2005 11:35 (twenty years ago)

three weeks pass...

sigh

― cozen (Cozen), Sunday, 18 December 2005 21:57 (twenty years ago)

She responds strangely to things. She talks a lot when she's uncomfortable, and when we should be talking about "us," she starts telling endless stories about her friends and family

Oh no, this is me!

― Cathy (Cathy), Sunday, 18 December 2005 22:04 (twenty years ago)

Haha yes I was thinking this was me too - I babble shit when I'm nervous, which is far too often in company :/

― Trayce (trayce), Sunday, 18 December 2005 22:29 (twenty years ago)

i think this is generally a good thing, being called this. to me it means "you are memorable and interesting and i can't put my figure on just why."

it is mostly used flirtatiously, i find.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Sunday, 18 December 2005 22:39 (twenty years ago)

excepting the original thread-starting instance, of course.

― s1ocki (slutsky), Sunday, 18 December 2005 22:39 (twenty years ago)

I just have a lot of stories about my friends and family that I like to tell. And most of them aren't even proper anecdotes. I hope people aren't waiting for a point or a punchline.

― Cathy (Cathy), Sunday, 18 December 2005 22:40 (twenty years ago)

I like to understand people and so if I was to think of someone as a strange girl or to even call them it - which I don't think I would except in hurt or anger and not affection or flirting cos can you imagine the atmosphere? - then it would be because I was frustrated and wanted to understand the motivations or reasons behind their being strange

― cozen (Cozen), Sunday, 18 December 2005 23:02 (twenty years ago)

I like to understand people -> I don't really know what this means actually so

― cozen (Cozen), Sunday, 18 December 2005 23:04 (twenty years ago)

... but yeah I'm generalising from inexperience here

― cozen (Cozen), Sunday, 18 December 2005 23:06 (twenty years ago)

i would hate it if someone told me i was strange. gee, way to make me feel alienated.

actually, if someone told me i was normal (in a good way), i'd be really happy!

― the people are such untight s wads (Jody Beth Rosen), Sunday, 18 December 2005 23:45 (twenty years ago)

i think there is a way to say this that's not insulting but endearing but its a very hard thing to pull off.

― u saved me (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 18 December 2005 23:46 (twenty years ago)

times to avoid would be during coitus or after the first time you saw her out of the shower, i think.

― u saved me (dubplatestyle), Sunday, 18 December 2005 23:47 (twenty years ago)

i think there is a way to say this that's not insulting but endearing but its a very hard thing to pull off.

It's easy - surely all it takes is a bit of mutual understanding* and control over your tone of voice?

(*Admittedly, if you don't know how your significant other would react to being called strange/mental/a cunt, you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with them in the first place.)

― Matt DC (Matt DC), Monday, 19 December 2005 00:09 (twenty years ago)

well i meant more in a bar setting, matt

― u saved me (dubplatestyle), Monday, 19 December 2005 00:11 (twenty years ago)

"you are one ditzy tomato. now go get me another g & t."

― u saved me (dubplatestyle), Monday, 19 December 2005 00:12 (twenty years ago)

I have been told similar things by both strangers and friends.

If the accuser of strangeness has only just met me, it probably means "I have no idea what you are talking about." I was probably trying to make a joke, which failed.

If the accuser of strangeness is someone I know reasonably well, it is is a dismissive "I don't know what you mean, and I can't be bothered to try to understand", although there could be affection in there somewhere.

Either way, it's not something I would want anyone to say about me. It reminds me of that horrible Emily the Strange cartoon.

― Cathy (Cathy), Monday, 19 December 2005 00:29 (twenty years ago)

i'm told this a lot, too. and i ramble uncontrollably about strange things as well. i also tell pointless anecdotes.

what hurt more was when someone said i was the strangest person they'd ever met :(

― POOP BITCH (Mandee), Monday, 19 December 2005 01:14 (twenty years ago)

TS: being strange vs. being odd vs. being weird

I would like to be accused of any, but I think I find "odd" the least annoying.

― Cathy (Cathy), Monday, 19 December 2005 01:21 (twenty years ago)

Being a 'strange girl' is okay and even a bit sexy sometimes but time goes by and the sexy strange girls get called 'loony old bats' instead.

― estela (estela), Monday, 19 December 2005 01:43 (twenty years ago)

Well, they usually accuse of the latter if they break up with you. ;-)

i would hate it if someone told me i was strange. gee, way to make me feel alienated.

Well, sometimes that can be a good thing. Depends on who it is of course.

"Hey, coming from you, THANKS!"

― Nathalie (stevie nixed), Monday, 19 December 2005 01:47 (twenty years ago)

three years pass...

http://media.fukung.net/images/19779/49e8afbd98cc9edba76ad8d4ffb60670.jpg

― iiiijjjj, Wednesday, 23 September 2009 21:11 (sixteen years ago)

WHY? WERE THEY BORN

― jaymc, Wednesday, 23 September 2009 21:34 (sixteen years ago)

Good thread. I guess Nobody is amateurist?

― bamcquern, Thursday, 24 September 2009 03:22 (sixteen years ago)

Anyway, my question is: Would you take this as an insult?

Strange is one of those words like "interesting" or "peculiar". It is seldom meant, and rarely taken, as a cutting insult, nor given as a gushing compliment. It is plainly equivocal.

If I were hoping for an unequivocal expression of approval, it would certainly leave me feeling deflated. If I had no expectations of the person who said it and no desire for their approval, I would probably shrug it off.

― Aimless, Thursday, 24 September 2009 03:42 (sixteen years ago)

still lol'ing at WHY? WERE THEY BORN

WERE THEY BORN

Strange girls! Belched from the bowels of the earth?

― VegemiteGrrrl, Thursday, 24 September 2009 04:24 (sixteen years ago)

zeus's forehead iirc

― ian, Thursday, 24 September 2009 04:28 (sixteen years ago)

Can they be as happy as they are

― Dearth Disco (Trayce), Thursday, 24 September 2009 06:25 (sixteen years ago)

some girls are stranger than others

some girls mothers are stranger than

― baout.com (dyao), Thursday, 24 September 2009 06:32 (sixteen years ago)

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