Should I? Asking for advice.

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So i'm a sophmore at a university right now. I practically have a full ride to school through Air Force ROTC, a scholarship i took mostly out of my own indecisiveness and distaste for dissapointing people. I bear the daily ROTC load - i'm more than capable of performing all they ask - I spent the first half of my schooling in a private school where i got involved in boy scouts and eventually became an eagle scout, so you know, with all the paramilitary experience in my youth the military's structure doesn't intimidate me to any large degree - but the nature of the program leaves me muddled, weary, bored, and increasingly dissapointed with the path my life is taking.
The thing is, i haven't any idea what to do with myself (i'm 19! i didn't think i'd have to yet!) and if i were to quit ROTC i'd be expected to stay in school whilst building the yoke of debt that has good potential to make my currently, and weakly, resolved career as an English Lit. (this post is probably enough to suggest i shouldn't teach that) or Philosophy teacher even more susceptible to depression.
Depression is no mystery to me at this point though. Day to day life in the program leaves me feeling more and more disconnected from people there and it doesn't help that my drug use history leaves me feeling undeserving of this scholarship i hardly want - I've had to lie about my drug use to preserve this scholarship because I really wouldn't want to have drugs become some focal point when they've been completely unconsidered and misunderstood by relatives and then to have them become some explanation for any slow progression in my life when i've no real desire to do them anymore; futhermore, the guilt from lying about that sometimes weighs quite heavy upon my christian raised, super-conscience mind.
So this is what i want to do: drop ROTC at the semester, take up a job so i can live the second semester out here (i feel obligated to my roommate to stay and pay rent), then pay off my school debt through another job back home (ROTC will make me pay everything back, including the stipends they've given me every month), after which i'd like to backpack down through south america or throughout europe; and perhaps i'll return to school sometime after this trans-continental catharsis, maybe not. it seems all this ROTC business has forced me into a premature midlife crisis of sorts and something significant needs to be done.
I totally expect to be told that many kids my age have the same yearnings yet digest them for some reason or another (laziness and fear are what i say), but i really fear that "real world" (which the Air Force would manifest in some cunning shade or another) lying, for me, lukewarmly between the noble confines of Academia and the grit of true freedom. discuss, respond please.

― Pete D (pbnmyj), Thursday, 22 September 2005 15:51 (twenty years ago)

Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends" video

― mark p (Mark P), Thursday, 22 September 2005 16:03 (twenty years ago)

Hang in if you can, maybe start adjusting your classes toward something that can help achieve your travel goals and be more interesting than teaching - like journalism?

― Wiggy (Wiggy), Thursday, 22 September 2005 16:04 (twenty years ago)

I don't even know where to start.
You have the rest of your life to backpack around the world doing nothing. The consensus would seem to be, from friends who have done similar, that backpacking around the world actuall does not (amazingly enough) enlighten you as to what kind of actual job you would like to do for a living. I repeat: You have the REST of your ENTIRE LIFE to go fiddle around.

You have RIGHT NOW to get somebody else to foot the bill for your 4-year degree and then place you into a career field (with travel!) where you will get to do things only about 1-1.5% of Americans have ever done. Whether that's out in the shit or hopping around the Pacific isn't necessarily up to you, but you don't seem to mind the whole idea.

You have NO IDEA what you want to do, but you just hate the concept that your future might be chosen for you? Tell you what, take a free ride for a few years and THEN you can do whatever the hell you want. You'll thank me for it.

― TOMBOT, Thursday, 22 September 2005 16:58 (twenty years ago)

does rotc let you study abroad (which would of course entail taking a semester off from rotc)? maybe a change of scenery without giving up your security would be good, but i don't know if that's possible.

it sounds like what you're thinking of doing is kind of scary and ambitious. i hope it works out all right and you feel less pressured and depressed, whatever you do.

― Maria (Maria), Thursday, 22 September 2005 17:01 (twenty years ago)

I would stay the course. Sophomore year of any pursuit is aptly named - you are in transition, but without much internal guidance as to where to go or how to get there.

Look at what you have: A free college education, with a job after college. Your resume will look great due to your ROTC involvement, and, once your commitment to the military is done, you have no school debt.

I agree with TOMBOT - you have the rest of your life to do nothing. You have been given a great opportunity here that a lot of people don't have. Take advantage of it.

And re: the guilt? Guilt serves one purpose - to prevent you from doing something again. It should not prevent you from doing anything again. Guilt and regrets are like scars - you remember how you got them, you don't want to do that thing that caused them again, and you don't fixate on them unless you want to totally skew your view of life.

Whatever you choose, be well. Its a big world and it helps to have any leg up that you can get.

― Big Loud Mountain Ape (Big Loud Mountain Ape), Thursday, 22 September 2005 17:41 (twenty years ago)

Thanks everyone

― Peter Densmore (pbnmyj), Thursday, 22 September 2005 17:52 (twenty years ago)

A few thoughts:

Will this scholarship indept you in other ways--such as protracted post-college service in potentially live-threatening situations?

There are ways to get a cheaper education. Two years of community college, state schools, living at home, going to school part time while working full-time, etc.

When you say teacher, do you mean professor? If yes, school-fuelled debt will be a way of life. Not so much if you mean high school.

Can you take a leave of absence, a Rory-like break, without incurring ROTC penalties? For me the crux of the matter is, do you want to be in the military, or not?

― Mary (Mary), Thursday, 22 September 2005 22:32 (twenty years ago)

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