Relationship Problem

1) She may be very insecure regardless of how you actually feel or show her. Did she seem insecure before?

2) It may be her feelings that have actually changed and she either can't admit it or feels guilty or is looking for an excuse.

i was wrong, though, she met some hippie motherfucker named todd and ended it.

2 is possible, I guess, sure. I don't get that vibe though, she seems more like she doubts me and she said she sometimes picks up on things. I said it would be best if she tells me when she picks up on me doing something bad or sending a bad message, rather than just generally saying at a later stage "are we doing ok" or whatever.

shakey, I hope you are not otm, tho I do fear the longer we are apart the more likely doom becomes. maybe we can be back living in the same country by the summer though.

x-post I don't think she likes hippies, and she'd never join the peace core.

real life doesn't work as such a black and white matter of choices or rules.

So, if you don't want to break up, understand that she's in a weird situation, be reassuring, and maybe send her emails or letters instead of messenging and texts. I think the extra effort of writing can show you care more.

Also, explain as much as you can. What makes things feel "weird" is not talking about them.

but if it's a fixed time that you both already know, and then she will be back for good, not so much maybe (maybe)

having said that we've a very solid relationship and were friends for years before we got together, there's alot of trust there.

cathy thanks for the advice, seems to make alot of sense. she's actually in her home country so I guess has support a bit better. might try more emails, the phone is a bit frustrating, you can talk and laugh but without the contact and seeing each other it's not the same.

I have been speaking to her tonight about this, and we sort of agreed to just try and look forward to seeing each other in about 2 weeks, for a weekend. I guess our inital plan was to see each other every month (which is possible geographically, not massively expensive but timewise we've both failed to organise ourselves properly, her doing exams and studying on the times I manage to get off work etc)

I'm hoping seeing each other will recharge us both a bit, and not just make us both feel miserable for being apart again!

x-post, I am kind of bemused by the slightly iffy posts on this thread as responses, perhaps I shouldn't have logged out.

I think this might be your problem here. I've thought similar things in similar situations before and it's led to fuck ups. I think basically, once you allowed yourself a thought process along the lines of "Well, I think I feel like this, but I dunno, maybe you know better than me, maybe I actually feel something else and don't know it", then you're handing complete control of the whole realationship over to your partner. And not only is that warped and unbalanced, it's unfair too, because total responsibility is too much for anyone to ever handle, and so from that point on things will inevitably start to fall to bits.

Trust your instincts, Luke.

Actually I think you're less likely to see older people in long-distance relationships because they're more likely to be in a situation where they can do something about it. They're likely to have more independence, more decision-making experience, and a clearer idea of what they want and what they're willing to do to get it. They're much firmer in what they've made of their lives, and what it'll mean to go somewhere else to get something else out of life. So instead of entertaining the long-distance idea, they're in much more of a position to decide -- either make things work so they're together, or move on. That's the kind of near-marriage commitment they're working on anyway: "Are we going to be together, full-on, or not?" Which really is pretty black or white, in or out, yes or no.

huh? but the distance DOES influence the relationship. of course most relationships don't work out but they do for different reasons. long distance rs don't work out because there's less continuity, there's distance...

I know that isn't what you want to hear, and I sincerely hope she comes back and all is well, but I dunno :/

This seems otm?

(haha I am mostly posting to this thread because I have kinda similar syntax to the original poster and am in an LDR! Does anyone else get this kinda 'o no what if they think I'm logged out' paranoia? Hang in there bro, it's brutal but if there's an a pratical end in sight where it'll stop being L.D. and you think it's worth waiting for, you just gotta wait, it's only time)

Its when you meet someone whos home base is one place, and yours another. Someone has to make a compromise to move. If one or both parties dont care where they live then yay, all is well. But as someone who got engaged to a French Canadian who said he wanted to live in Australia, and then panicked and realised the culture was too different for him to cope with so he packed it in, I know all too well how it can go bad as well :/

-- Nathalie (stevi...), April 1st, 2006.

Er, Nath, don't know if you've noticed but... ;-)

Of course ours will not be a long-distance relationship for good. One of us will have to make the decisive move eventually - I don't know yet whether I'll be coming to Canada or whether Canada will be coming to me, but what I do know is that this is love, this is the real thing and I will do anything it takes for us to be together for good, even if it involves selling up and moving to Canada for good; that's how strongly I feel about it.

Then she said the other thing was she was getting kind of weirded out by friends asking about what was going to happen us, and like the friends were almost hoping it'd go wrong. Weirdly I can relate to this too.

I don't think it's an issue of her losing interest, at all, I reckon I would know. So yeah things alot better now, and it'll be cool to see each other.

I have, however, embarked on yet another one myself. There are conditions that I hope will make it work better: we have a long history (lived together for 2 years before this); it is only for six months; the other person is back in town every second week; we arranged a cheap toll call deal in advance so talking is not expensive; we arranged exactly what dates we would see each other so that other opportunities are not missed on the off-chance; I (because I am the one sitting around at home) arranged to keep busy with excercise, evening classes and other friends so I am not, in fact, sitting around at home.

And, even with all this careful planning, I am starting to feel like something is weird. I could be unusually bad at these things, but I cannot be optimistic. Sorry.