The past burns.

Urg. Didn't mean for this to sound so morbid. I'm not haunted, just curious.

New answers!

yes I have observed this , sometimes it creeps into the present which is a little disconcerting- something great happens and you turn it into a kodak moment and it is 'instamatically' changed by recording it - mechanically or mentally -making for bittersweet flayva.
I blame studying photography for 6 years. Now taking photos of people makes me feel like im hunting them like the grim reaper. cheese there goes another 1/60 of a second of your life.
Its often connected to fear of death, which has been interpreted as fear of life, and I think the psych term would be disassociation- Being there but somewhere else mentally, in the past or the future.

This has inspired me think of new ways to catalog memories. Mostly the ones that stay are connected to emotions, so when you are remembering things are you simply scooping up some emotion out of the files, just to remember how to feel or to keep feeling,Im sure this is my tack.

Haven't got time to talk about this properly now but YES your experience tallies closely with mine and NO it doesn't feature in academic Psychology courses (or at least not in my experience).

I think I've talked about this on ILE before. I used to kind of think that I should resign myself to experiencing pleasure with a time delay.

I certainly have this. Maybe it's pretty universal but not everyone admits to it. I find I'm doing it less as I get older though. Certain 'eras' in my past that I previously constructed a mystique around - now I just think 'you twat'. I think you get to a certain point and realise it's all nonsense but most people here are probably too young to appreciate that. The poem on the right, below (by Vicki Raymond) kind of gets at what I'm talking about:

http://home.clara.net/huntsman/ebaypix/vickiraymond2.jpg

Haven't been posting or on this site for a while....but I would have to say that my memories just become...benign as they get older. I look back at say, elementary school now, and can think of only the things that were routine, and not necessarily good. I don't feel any sort of prominant emotion for them, it just sort of "is". Sometimes memories hurt...but usually, like wounds, they just become scars and then sort of fade and disappear. I guess I try not to think about the past much because there is so much stuff I would much rather forget. Sometimes though, I have been reduced to tears, and it's hard to say why most of the time. My memories need to be spurred by some sort of material object before they become real and emotional. I guess I'm just too stoic for memories to burn.

I think maybe this is one of those 'you either recognise what's being talked about instantly or you don't know what it is' things. Like Mark says, it only takes about 6 months for it to set in. I've had it since I was a child, but it *does* seem not to affect me so much these days. It's a past is a foreign country thing. When it hits me, it's as if my whole way of experiencing life was different then. It feels special and ghostly and I love feeling it but it doesn't make me sad cause I know really that at the time liee actually just felt normal.

realization: this is the direct result of a massive emotional disconnect.

my life, up until now, has largely been about the *accumulation* of experience rather than the enjoyment of it. i have never really relished or been happy within a moment; i've always fretted it away by wondering "am i truly happy?" "when will this be over?" or "how could i be enjoying myself more?" even the things i ostensibly love (i.e. the company of loved ones, music, film) are never enjoyed: i'm always looking at the clock wondering when it will be over, not because i necessarily WANT it to be, but because then i will have CONSUMED the moment, and that is all i can do.

too much critical distance = no emotional involvement. a massive disconnect as coping mechanism which has me looking towards the future when i'm in the moment and living in the past once the moment's gone. it was the only way i could compensate for my inability to be there at the time.

another terrible realization: in order to shake myself back into feeling anything, in order to absolve myself of this terrible detached numbness that i had unwittingly cocooned around myself, i had to subconsciously rob myself of the things i loved most. i alienated and pushed away the one person i really, truly loved (even if i couldn't show it at the time) because the loss of her was the only thing capable of shocking me back into existence.

now i am finally alive and breathing and feeling and real but she is very, very gone and it is a bitter pill to swallow because in spite of the fact that we were together for three years i feel like i never had a real (see above) moment with her.

and for the record, "don't talk about your childhood" is the same bullshit line of thinking that got me into that sorry state.

if i don't remember it / then it didn't happen = dangerous

my life, up until now, has largely been about the *accumulation* of experience rather than the enjoyment of it. i have never really relished or been happy within a moment; i've always fretted it away by wondering "am i truly happy?" "when will this be over?" or "how could i be enjoying myself more?" even the things i ostensibly love (i.e. the company of loved ones, music, film) are never enjoyed: i'm always looking at the clock wondering when it will be over, not because i necessarily WANT it to be, but because then i will have CONSUMED the moment, and that is all i can do.

that's it, right there.

Yeah - extremely well put. I always have some degree of that mental/emotional distancing. Even when I'm crying there's the meta-part of my brain evaluating/moderating the crying experience. It doesn't bother me as much as it seems to bother Mark though.

i am like that too (more now because i'm worrying about leaving my family for college next year, and how they're going to move out of this house soon after, and it's upsetting how the past doesn't stay forever).

lately i've found that i can jerk myself back into the real world when it upsets me a lot by concentrating very hard on physical reality, especially touch, or being outside. i guess it just diverts my attention.

I have suffered from the above afflictions for a *very* long time. I only know if I enjoyed myself then if I feel wistful longing now.

Recently, I realized how depressed I am during this, my junior year of college, when I felt nostalgia for my first year. I HATED my freshman year. I screwed up in my classes, and I spent most of my time online at any site that concerned either NYC or London. I stayed at school over the first vacation, and, knowing nobody, I never left my room. I had my food and cigarettes delivered. Yet, in retrospect, it must have been fun, because I am thinking about it now.
This is the first time I have EVER heard anyone describe this feeling. For 21 years I was wandering around knowing that I was completely alone. I feel a little better now. Yay ILx, and thanks Mark for bringing this up. FAP international nostalgics!

why do I seem to kill the best threads? ;-)

It took a month for it to recover from my contribution.

Not for nothing, and I know I'm missing the point, but let me tell you some very out-of-character shit that went down a few weeks ago......i borrowed my sisters Madonna "Something To Remember" CD because i wanted to hear "Take A Bow"......i was with my friend and we pulled into my old elementary school to smoke weed and then creep around the old hood.......then the CD hits "this used to be my playground".....the last time I remember hearing that shit I was a little kid swimming and the pool PA was playing it, and it would go from clear to mute to clear to mute as i'd submerge and go under over and over, wondering what she was talking about........so in the car, I drive past the sev that used to be a pizzeria I used to spend HOURS at as a kid, playing Mortal Kombat, just as madonna says, ".....that noone in the world could dare destroy......"......I actually got choked up.....for real.....my friend called me a bitch and all but I didnt care.........so Mark, I guess i feel your pain

err thanks

yea, the consuming this is interesting. i reckon its not that uncommon, i mean, what are photos but the process of consuming experience and putting it somewhere it can be controlled? the idea of taking 'this bit of time' and freeznig it, owning it

sometimes you can get this feeling on E as well, the idea of 'yeeaaaahhhh, this is sooo good!' but then, a weird part of you wanting it to be over so you've had it. of course the minute it is over, its like 'noooo, i want it back now!'