Michael Jackson: Dear Diary

Marty sure is nice. I like the way he nods his head.

Did some child-abusing. Bubbles has gout. No longer want to be Diana Ross and am rather pissed at spending so much money getting her face transplanted onto mine.

(But Horace what are you doing in here? I thought you'd moved up out of the amateur comedy leagues?)

Dear Diary--Freddie Perren is getting on my nerves. He won't let me do the gum-popping move I devised for "I'll Be Back" and I think he's blocking access to Mr. Gordy, who keeps looking at my nose funny. Is it too big? A rude boy cornered me in the bathroom at school and tried to put his thing into my left nostril. Marvin Gaye seems out of it a lot. I am asking for a Moog synthesizer and a makeup kit for my birthday this year. I think I like Pepsi better than Coke but it makes me burp a lot, which makes Marlon laugh at me, the little bitch.

Sept. 12, 1972

Dear Diary--today Tito let me touch his pee-pee!

June 10, 1985

Dear Diary--now that I own the Beatles catalog, these are the songs I want to cover:
"Old Brown Shoe"
"You Know My Name, Look Up the Number" (Quincy Jones says he can get Sonny Rollins to play the saxophone solo)
"What Goes On" (I want to duet with Willie Nelson on this)
"Honey, Don't"
"I am the Walrus" (I see great video potential for this one!)

April 1, 19-

Dear Diary--big fight with Lisa Marie. I don't know why she has to get so mad when I ask the Graceland people to show "Captain Eo" on the tour, I'm sure Elvis would have liked it!! Perhaps I can get her to put on the white panties again tonight.

Purchased the Elephant Man's bones today. Finally, I have someone around whose uglier than I am.

Saw Whoopi Goldberg today. Blue contacts. No one said a thing. Interesting.

Visited the studios at MTV, NYC briefly. Jesus, Kurt Loder is such a queen.

John Landis keeps introducing me to Ola Ray, like I want to fuck her or something. Hello! That bitch has got "soon straight to coked-up porn" written all over her ass.

MacCaulay farted on my head again this morning. His parents don't spank him.

"Put down" Bubbles II today. He just hasn't been the same since that fight with Emmanuel. Bubbles III arrives tomorrow - I'm so excited!

When I grow up, I want to be a white woman!

I went to McDonalds today and had a Bic Mac and drank some coke. Then I had to go to the bathroom, so I went and there was this man there, and he asked me if i wanted to play a game called "smelly finger" with him. i was real scared at first but he said it was ok and not to tell anybody.

March 27, 1992

I played "smelly finger" with Billy today. Man, that takes me back.

Watched "Triumph of the Will" today. Commissioned 50-ft statue of myself for next video. Wow, I look great in uniform! I'M KING OF THE WORLD!

August 7, 1990

Cried a lot today. Kieran says he doesn't want to take naps with me anymore. He's such an ungrateful little shit. Am looking into purchasing remains of Andy Warhol.

Had a lot of fun dressing Emmanuel up as E.T. today. Before going to sleep, Emmanuel told me he was worried that people would never treat him like a grown-up. Told him it was rude to talk with his mouth full.

Dear Diary, Billy Jean is definately not my lover. He sucks at fellatio.

Slept in King Tut's sarcophagus last night. It was a little chilly. Considering having mini-space-heaters installed.

Big argument with Mr. Mottola today. I think he was scared of me pulling a Puffy on him. Told him I was a lover not a fighter. Was depressed afterwards. Spent whole night riding rollercoaster.

FUCK YOU TITO!

Awful day today. Jermaine threw Ben down the laundry chute in our hotel. One day when I'm richer and famouser I'll show all of them, they'll be on their hands and knees, begging to be allowed on-stage with me. That's gonna be fucking awesome.

No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a slayer.

People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff.

Like that's *such* a crucial job skill in the real world.

Plus Mom lets her get away with everything. "Your sister's saving the world."
*I* could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers...
...but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even.

If this town wasn't so lame everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed, because like, killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires, they die from a splinter.

The Thriller video came out today on MTV. Everyone loves it. I am just glad I will no longer have to go through 5 hours of make-up everyday to get my face to look scary.
Well, gotta go see Dr. Schaeffer.

Oh dear, the pain, the images, the agony...

Dear Diary.. Well, I guess it was a mistake to try to dig myself out of that enormous hole I was in. No one will even understand. Fuck them all. Fuck them all to hell! HA HA HA HA! They'll feel nothing but guilt for doing this to me ... If I can just get the cap off these ... FUCK! OK OK Ok ... Here I come, Marilyn ...

FUCK YOU MARLON!