Drummer jokes:

If you have any amusing guitarist jokes, or bassist jokes, or viola jokes, or any other musician jokes, your input is most welcome. All are welcome!

P.S. Who’s the picture of? YOUR MOMMA?

Q: How can you tell it's your drummer at the door?
A: The knocking keeps speeding up.

Q: How many drummers does take to change a lightbulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb and two to argue how Neil Peart would have done it.

I used to go out with a drummer. I could sit and tell these jokes all night...

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins!

Q: How many singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just one. He holds on to the bulb and the world REVOLVES AROUND HIM!!!

Q: How many keyboardists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: They don't. They strop out and complain "Do I have to do EVERYTHING? Does no one EVER notice everything that I for this band?" until the guitarist gives up and changes it for them.

(Heh heh, three guesses what Horton plays...)

These need to be put a safe and made available to every musician in the universe, including those who play the Inverted Nose-Arse from Centoc IV.

You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once.

Drool.

Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the van? It took him three hours to get the drummer out.

drops him off at band practice!

.

.

.

...you'd think the first one would've seen it and warned the other one.

What do you call the guy hanging out with the band after the show?

The Drummer.

Q: what do you call a guy who hangs out with musicians?
A: a drummer.

Q: what do you call a girl who hangs out with musicians?
A: the bassist.

Feller goes into a shop and says 'Hi, I'd like to buy a guitar and a couple of pedals, please.' The man in the shop says 'Right, OK. Er, you're a drummer, aren't you?'. The drummer laughs nervously and says 'Er, no, I'm here for some guitar stuff!' The man says 'Ok, right, but seriously, you ARE a drummer, aren't you?' Becoming angry, the drummer says 'No, I'm NOT A DRUMMER, I just want a guitar and some pedals, alright?'. The man says 'Nah, seriously, you must be a drummer.' Drummer says 'Damn, alright, I admit it, I'm a drummer, how did you know?'. The man says 'Well, this is a chip shop.'

So this traveler arrives in an African country (please pardon the generic stereotypes here, but it's an old joke), and during the drive in from the airport, he can hardly help but notice that the air is filled with the sound of drums beating--everywhere, loud and oppressive. He leans forward and asks the driver, "What's the deal with the drums?"

The driver turns, looks at him with a somber face, and says only, "It's very bad when the drums stop."

The traveler checks into his hotel, goes up to his room, throws open the doors to his balcony, and the sound of the pounding drums hits him in the face like the sun's heat. He goes back downstairs and walks through the marketplace, followed everywhere by the sound of rhythmic thumping. He asks a merchant, "What's the story with the drums?"

The merchant looks around nervously and mutters, "It's very bad when the drums stop." He says no more.

He arrives back at his hotel accompanied by booming paradiddles. He asks the desk clerk, "Excuse me, but do these drums EVER stop?"

The desk clerk sucks in his breath, alarmed. "It's very bad when the drums stop," he hisses. "Very bad."

That night the traveler lies in bed, sweat-soaked, unable to sleep, the sound of the ever-pounding drums making his temples throb, bringing him to the brink of madness. As dawn grays the window shade, he finally slips into unconsciousness for a few hours.

He awakes in the morning, his head pounding along with the thunderous drums. He stumbles downstairs to the lobby and into the restaurant and collapses on a chair. The waiter comes up to his table, coffee pot in hand, and is getting ready to pour when, all of a sudden, the drums stop.

The traveler starts, surprised at the sudden and profound silence. His eyes cut to the waiter, whose own eyes have widened with the first blush of fear. The traveler asks, "What happens now?"

"It's very bad," says the waiter. "Now comes the bass solo."

what do you do when a drummer knocks at your door?

answer it & pay for the pizza

None, drummers can't change lightbulbs, they're too stupid.

Q. How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando?
A. Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm.

Then there's the subcategory of bodhran jokes:

Q. What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
A. Terrorists have sympathisers.

Q. What do bodhran players use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.

Q. What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A. A razor blade.

And the utter viciousness of violin/viola jokes:

Q. What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A. There is no difference. The violin just looks smaller because the violinist's head is so much bigger.

Q. Why are viola jokes so short?
A. So violinists can understand them.

Q. How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog?
A. The dog knows when to stop scratching.

Q. Why is a violinist like a SCUD missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire."

Q. How is lightning like a violist's fingers?
A. Neither one strikes in the same place twice.

Q. How do you keep your violin from getting stolen?
A. Put it in a viola case.

Q. What's the difference between a viola and a coffin?
A. The coffin has the dead person on the inside.

Q. What's the definiton of "perfect pitch?"
A. Throwing a viola into a dumpster without hitting the rim.

Q. What's the difference between a washing machine and a violist?
A. Vibrato.

Q. Why do so many people take an instant dislike to the viola?
A. It saves time.

Q. How can you tell when a violist is playing out of tune?
A. The bow is moving.

Q. Why is a viola solo like a bomb?
A. By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Q. Why do violists leave their instrument cases on the dashboards of their cars?
A. So they can park in "handicapped" parking places.

Q. A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. Which one do you run over first, and why?
A. The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Q. What is the range of a Viola?
A. As far as you can kick it.

Q. What's another name for viola auditions?
A. Scratch lottery.

Q. How does a violist's brain cell die?
A. Alone.

At a rehearsal, the conductor stops and shouts to the bass section: "You are out of tune. Check it, please!" The first bassist pulls all his strings, says, "Our tuning is correct: all the strings are equally tight." The first violist turns around and shouts, "You bloody idiot! It's not the tension. The pegs have to be parallel!"

A violinist noticed at the end of each rehearsal break, one of the violists would look at the inside flap of his jacket before he sat down to resume rehearsal. This continued for several decades, and the violinist became quite curious about it. One day, during hot weather, the violist took off his jacket and went off on break. The violinist waited until everyone was off the platform, looked around, and sneaked over to the jacket. He pulled back the flap and saw a little note pinned on the inside. It read: "viola left hand, bow right."

A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of violists. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren't met, they would release one violist every hour.

Entry Exam For The BBC Symphony Orchestra--Viola Players

The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.

1. 
   

   
   

   Who wrote the following:

   
   

   a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
   
   b) Fauré's Requiem
   
   c) Wagner's Ring Cycle

   
   

   
   [5 pts.]
   
   

2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony no. 4.
   Name the other five.
   
   [5 pts.]
   
   

3. Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the reverse of
   the paper.
   
   [10 pts.]
   
   

4. 
   

   
   

   Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
   

   
   

   a) a timpani
   
   b) an organ
   
   c) a 'cello
   
   d) a viola

   
   

   
   [1 pt.]
   
   

5. Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
   
   [5 pts.]
   
   

6. 
   

   
   

   Which of the following literary works was made the subject of a
   Verdi opera?

   
   

   a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
   
   b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
   
   c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton

   
   

   
   [5 pts.]
   
   

7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for which instrument?
   
   
   [5 pts.]
   
   

8. 
   

   
   

   Arrange the following movements in order of speed, starting with
   the slowest first.

   
   

   a) Quickly
   
   b) Slowly
   
   c) Very Quickly
   
   d) At a Moderate Pace

   
   

   
   [4 pts.]
   
   

9. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor during a
   performance?
   
   [5 pts.]
   
   

10. 
    

    
    

    Which of the following wrote incidental music to A
    Midsummer Night's Dream?

    
    

    a) Des O'Connor
    
    b) Mickey Mouse
    
    c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
    
    d) Terry Wogan

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

11. 
    

    
    

    Which of the following is the odd one out?

    
    

    a) Sir Colin Davis
    
    b) Andrew Davis
    
    c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
    
    d) Desmond Lynham

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

12. 
    

    
    

    Arrange the following words into the name of a well known Puccini
    opera.

    
    

    Bohème, La

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
    
    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

14. 
    

    
    

    From which of the following countries did Richard Strauss come?
    

    
    

    a) Venezuela
    
    b) Sri Lanka
    
    c) Germany
    
    d) Japan

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

15. For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies
    written?
    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

16. 
    

    
    

    Which is the odd one out?

    
    

    a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
    
    
    b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
    
    c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
    
    d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

17. 
    

    
    

    From which song do the following lines come?

    
    

    "God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble
    Queen."

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

18. 
    

    
    

    Spell the following musical terms.

    
    

    allegro
    
    rallentando
    
    crotchet
    
    pizzicato
    
    intermezzo

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

19. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
    
    [5 pts.]
    
    

20. 
    

    
    

    Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation for a well
    known British broadcasting corporation.

    
    

    C, B, B.

    
    

    
    [5 pts.]
    

a: shoot one of them

Q. What's the difference between a baritone saxophone and a chain saw?
A. The exhaust.

Q. What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds?
A. Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.

Q. How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
A. "Hi. I'm better than you."

Q. What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs?
A. "Year-At-A-Glance."

Q. What is the dynamic range of the bass trombone?
A. On or off.

Q. Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A. Because a man blows in it, but only God knows what comes out of it.

Q. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A. So you don't have to retrain the drummers.

Q. What do you say to a banjo player in a three-piece suit?
A. "Will the defendant please rise?"

Q. What's the least-used sentence in the English language?
A. "Isn't that the banjo player's Porsche?"

Q. How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
A. Give him some sheet music.

Q. How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None--they just steal somebody else's light.

Q. In the 22th century, how many guitar players will you need to replace a light source?
A. Five. One to actually do it, and four to reminisce about how much better the old tubes were.

Q. Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
A. To get away from the noise.

A musician calls the symphony office to talk to the conductor. "I'm sorry, he's dead," comes the reply. The musician calls back 25 times, always getting the same reply from the receptionist. At last she asks him why he keeps calling. "I just like to hear you say it."

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.