This is surely, easily, hands-down, the WORST AMG review....evah!

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I give you:

"He's on his soapbox and instead of pointing a finger in disgust, he and Travis craft beautiful melodies that do just as much damage"

and

"12 Memories is a dark reflection of that time, not to mention a heavy soundscape looking at violence as a whole that stems from a post-September 11th way of life"

This man is a genius. Kulkarni couln't have done better

― lee ward (lee ward), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:09 (twenty-two years ago)

Oops

Here's the link

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll

*hides face in shame*

― lee ward (lee ward), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:11 (twenty-two years ago)

Just before I scoop my eyeballs out with a cake spoon, here's is the real link...

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70401121743360096&sql=A0n6jtratkl2x

Kill me, kill me now

― lee ward (lee ward), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:13 (twenty-two years ago)

Just before I scoop my eyeballs out with a cake spoon, here is the real link...

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70401121743360096&sql=A0n6jtratkl2x

Kill me, kill me now

― lee ward (lee ward), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:14 (twenty-two years ago)

*suitably intrigued, views*

Hey, Mackenzie is a woman, I should note.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:17 (twenty-two years ago)

Dear ILX: Please get over AMG.

― tweemu (Jody Beth Rosen), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:18 (twenty-two years ago)

Help help! I will have to tear myself into then!

*mutates into Smeagol/Gollum*

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:18 (twenty-two years ago)

('Into then'? "IN TWO, THEN," dammit.)

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:19 (twenty-two years ago)

This thread is clearly cursed.

― lee ward (lee ward), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Why do they always remove the really really bad ones? I mean, what happened to the (and this is from memory here, so bear with me) "They would become much nastier, though they would never again be this nasty." review of Get Yer Ya-Yas Out and the "It's rarely a good sign when you can't tell if album is on or not." review of Coldplay's Parachutes and the "In other words, this band gets down!" review of John Scofield's A-Go Go??? They're... GONE!!!

― Mr. Snrub (Mr. Snrub), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:25 (twenty-two years ago)

Why do they always remove the really really bad ones?

Those aren't the only nasty reviews, trust me.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:25 (twenty-two years ago)

true....

Tho in this case, it's a fawning review of an album mathematically proven to be fabulously rubbish

Quite touching really

― lee ward (lee ward), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:29 (twenty-two years ago)

I of course mean "bad" as in "unintentionally really really funny."

― Mr. Snrub (Mr. Snrub), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 05:31 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70401170903360553&sql=A23120r8al48x

this is the worst amg review ever and the majority of his reviews reek of his stale opinions and lack of descriptions.

― scottjames23 (worrysome-man), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 07:20 (twenty-two years ago)

Hrm. What about this one, then?

― OleM (OleM), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 07:30 (twenty-two years ago)

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDCASS70311071142280326&sql=A798o1va2zzua

sad :(

― ryan kuo (ryan kuo), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 07:39 (twenty-two years ago)

ryan - that mf doom review is the perfect example of someone who should be forced at gunpoint to stop repeating themselves.

― Ian Johnson (orion), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 09:01 (twenty-two years ago)

I would be funner to just cap them.

And the Grace Jones and Travis reviews were unbelievable. That's like the crap I'd come up with when I first got the internet and had about 3 issues of CMJ in my room. They should make an entrance exam for music writing and if you fail you are forced to do work experience in a restaurant where you physically have to attempt putting together the 'recipes' your weak ass had the gall to type out. "Sir, I've got in Massive Attack CD in the pan, but do I really have to grind these Basement Jaxx liner notes into powder to make a 'dash'? Hey, 'make a dash'!!, I should use that in my ne--*SLAP!!!* sorry sorry sir I'll stop fucking up Jamie's Kitchen."

― Le Coq (DarrenK), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 09:26 (twenty-two years ago)

Haha

I quite like the line, "It's rarely a good sign when you can't tell if album is on or not." Maybe it needs to be read in context?

― DJ Mencap (DJ Mencap), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 10:05 (twenty-two years ago)

Yeah, I mean, christ, these examples, it almost makes me think I could write for AMG. Almost...

I like when they give something 3 stars and a red check. Why are they advising me to purchase this sub-par music product?

http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDCASS70401200523440542&sql=Anpkcu3taan5k

"blending the post-punk of the late '70s and early '80s with the college rock of the late '80s and early '90s...the band does a pretty good job of arranging these elements into a pleasant modern rock sound"

Oh thats sounds awesome! I'm glad someone finally decided to combine two such disparate generes.

Its actually not a terrible review (esp. considering how generic and boring the release is), but I always notice lazy, tossed-off shit like that - and does amg have plenty to offer! (Yes, yes they do.)

― christhamrin (christhamrin), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 10:31 (twenty-two years ago)

the blazing riffs of "All I Wanna Do Is Rock"

Blazing riffs = plodding drudgery

― Nick H (Nick H), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 12:45 (twenty-two years ago)

The red checks in the list of albums represent "most representative of style," not "best of set" or "advised to purchase." AMG could and should do a better job of making that clear, and it doesn't make sense to give a red check at all to a band with *one album* -- but there you have it.

― Joseph McCombs, Tuesday, 20 January 2004 16:25 (twenty-two years ago)

These reviewers totally didn't earn their 2.5 cents per word.

― may pang (maypang), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 16:35 (twenty-two years ago)

The FAQ, which is linked on the front page, should clear this up.

― Andy K (Andy K), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 16:40 (twenty-two years ago)

Ned, you are turning into Golem on a frequent basis these days.

― M@tt He1geson (Matt Helgeson), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 17:32 (twenty-two years ago)

http://images.google.com/images?q=Golem&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en

― Dan Perry (Dan Perry), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 17:35 (twenty-two years ago)

ILX = the AMG FAQ

― Aaron W (Aaron W), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 17:42 (twenty-two years ago)

Here's one for a Cardiacs record:

The Cardiacs didn't make it easy to like their second album, too happy to let their whirligig of shattered atonal pop come apart at its seams. The band's technique for hoisting a radical thrill out of audience discomfort was pushed to extremes ("Fast Robert," "Baby Heart Dirt") and it suddenly felt forced and phony, like a poor Dadaist trying to make do in a world of Starter jackets and Technotronic. Great for those who liked staticy hip-hop, piercing keyboards, Long Ranger harmonicas, and the sound of a tape deck being clicked off, less so for those who didn't. — Dean Carlson

This review sounds funny if you read it in the voice of one of those Mistress of the Night people from SNL's goth cable access show sketch. Dean Carlson has another review in there that's equally cryptic.

― dleone (dleone), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 17:43 (twenty-two years ago)

Long Ranger

― Andy K (Andy K), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

"Starring Long Dong Silver as 'Tonto'"

― Lord Custos Omicron (Lord Custos Omicron), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 18:02 (twenty-two years ago)

I like that he included "less so for those who didn't". I'm going to stick that in my next review. "This album sucks for anyone who likes good music, less so for those who don't".

― dleone (dleone), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

that cardiacs review is really poor.

― Pashmina (Pashmina), Tuesday, 20 January 2004 18:05 (twenty-two years ago)

You're right though.
I couldn't have done better.

― Neil Kulkarni, Wednesday, 21 January 2004 16:44 (twenty-two years ago)

Heya Neil. How's life?

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 17:22 (twenty-two years ago)

I kept clicking through the links above half-expecting to see one of my own reviews. Fortunately, that didn't happen.

― charlie va (charlie va), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 17:42 (twenty-two years ago)

let me indulge you charlie

― gygax! (gygax!), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

Trawling through the jazz reviews you find a lot of tossed off two sentence reviews. The last sentence is usually "Recommended for fans."

― Jordan (Jordan), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 17:46 (twenty-two years ago)

I'm positive ILM'ers have given me a pass. I've written 20-30 reviews a week for the past several years -- surely there are dozens of my own lazy/tossed off sentences floating around. I know for a fact that several are far worse than the ones quoted in these various threads.

― Andy K (Andy K), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 17:55 (twenty-two years ago)

Me to thread?

― Sean Carruthers (SeanC), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 18:04 (twenty-two years ago)

Dean Carlson! What a guy. I notice he's also turned his attention to Strangelove:
http://www.allmusic.com/cg/amg.dll?p=amg&uid=UIDMISS70401170903360553&sql=A52jeeaz24xh7

Didn't he also do that famously mental review of "Nevermind" that was once posted on ILM?

― Philip Alderman (Phil A), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 20:47 (twenty-two years ago)

I think that was a parody review created by staff as to what he would have said had he reviewed it.

I always thought Dean was a nice guy myself, he was on (still is on?) the Suede list I run.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 20:49 (twenty-two years ago)

Is Ned Raggett schizophrenic?

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 20:56 (twenty-two years ago)

"staff"

― Andy K (Andy K), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 21:00 (twenty-two years ago)

Thy rod and thy staff, Andy.

― Ned Raggett (Ned), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 21:01 (twenty-two years ago)

andy, that's genius, and i'm not just saying that because i saw strangelove live once

― mark p (Mark P), Wednesday, 21 January 2004 21:02 (twenty-two years ago)

aw, geez. thanks a lot, gygax.

― charlie va (charlie va), Thursday, 22 January 2004 23:00 (twenty-two years ago)

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