Hi readers! Well, these indolent spliff-smoking scamps at ILM haven't delivered this week's Pop-Eye, so I guess it's down to me, your favourite Pop Funny Uncle, to take you through the highs and lows of this week's "fun" ten, as my all-time hero Tony "Logman" Blackburn would say.
Well! I see that the Dynamic Duo, none other than Wicked Will and Gorgeous Gareth, have managed to hold on to the coveted "top slot" for a second week with their moving version of the Beatles classic "The Long And Winding Road." And for these two "Popidols," it certainly has been a long and winding road to stardom, but they were not afraid to walk it! They must be preparing their Christmas feast already at Popidols Mansion - hope they don't ask Dodgy Darius to wire up the Christmas tree, seeing as how he's "Colourblind"!!
Oof! "Down Boy." In a rare role reversal, our two gallant British lads have had to say that to the twin towers of the lovely Miss Holly Vallance, who has to be content with silver medal position this week, though I see from her "newie" that she is still full of Eastern promise!
There's no move for Apres Lavage, sorry I meant April Lavigne, with her moody ballad. Listen, love, life doesn't have to be "Complicated" - just put a cheery grin on that miserable mush of yours and get out to Smokey Robbins' Nightclub in Perivale for a smashing bop and, who knows, a kiss or two!
Rap ravens Irving Gotti - didn't he used to be a Mafia mobster? What sort of filth are we allowing into our pop charts these days? - oh no, hang on, let me Google - oh yes, he's a producer and he's "Down 4 U." Sorry, Irvie - heavenly Holly has already warned "Down Boy" and she's looking down at you from two storeys, so careful you don't get a Christmas bump on your "bling bling"!
The "Pill" of Pink continues to dissolve in the Alka Seltzer glass of the top ten, coming down one place at a time, as befitting a good record. If pout-happy Pink ever wanted to "get" my "party started," I wouldn't need any pills to enter into the occasion, I can tell you!
It's good to see that old musicians from a prior era can still obtain a foothold on today's Tip Top Ten. And thus it is for Seal, whose 1989 number one "Killer's Crazy Kiss" must be in the all-time Top Ten tunes of all time for the year 1989, but who makes a comeback this week. It's Patrick McGoohan - it's Number 6! He has the island of Djakarta with him, which for some illiterate reason is spelt "Jakatta" on the sleeve, but that's what politically correct education is doing to our kids, and I for one have had enough of it!
"Little By Little"? Anchor around your neck, more like, lads, as Oasis plummet five places to a new nadir of Number 7. Perhaps if they were to stop writing the same song every time, they wouldn't "fade away" so quickly!
Nice to see my darling Atomic Kittens still "holding on" to the top ten at a respectable Number 8. Luscious Liz can certainly be my "number one" any time she pleases, given in mind her admittedly hectic schedule.
What a bonanza of a surprise to see my old mate John Otway back in the top ten with his crazy new song "Bunsen Burner." Old Otway certainly is an "eccentric" but his loyal fans have banded together to ensure that the lovable madcap has finally achieved his desired second hit for his 50th birthday! What an innings, sir - 50 not out, only three more than me! Congratulations you wild man of pop!
And naughty scamp schoolboys Busted hang on to the anchor position this week with their ode to underage sex. They are nice lads, but really boys should you be pedalling this sort of filth? Remember Milly - she would have loved to play the sax solo on this had she not been brutally dismembered by a politically correct paedophile maniac who frankly should be strung up and hung from the goolies 'till he be dead. Along with asylum seekers. Toodle pip for now, poppers and popettes!
― Ross "Pop Gossip" Gossip, Tuesday, 8 October 2002 09:42 (twenty-three years ago)