SCOOP!! On the couch season preview show transcript

Cast: Mike, Robert, Tryhard.

T: Welcome to another year of 'On the couch' and believe me, we are the football observers who could really tell you about that. I'm Tryhard Yearly and I'd like to extend happy new year wishes to my co-hosts, Mike Geehan and Robert Snores.

DICKS: Evening Tryhard.

T: Gentlemen, welcome to our special preview edition of this year's Australian Premier League season.

M: Yes, what a season it will be, who will win the coveted Matthews trophy, Brisbane, The Lions or maybe the Brisbane Lions? It's just that close.

R {yawns, stretches and combs his facial hair}: Hang on Mike, we can't say that publicly you know, otherwise, I'd be out of a job........again.

T: Which is why, in the name of balanced reporting to appease Victorian football fans, we are having this pointless program. After all, if Eddie can do it, so can we.

M: Hang on Tryhard, haven't you heard of the national competition?

T: We're having a national what now?

R: I'm sure, if we all have a little faith, and we all pull together, perhaps the fairytale will come true..

M: Whatever you've got planned for tonight Homer, count me out!!

T: You're as funny as you always were Mike! Let's start discussing the x factor of what could spoil the Lions’ title defence..like injuries..

M: Well I did have that neck operation so kids would stop putting ping pong balls in my mouth..

R {sighs}: Perhaps we'd better do the club by club thing so people can work out when to nip out and make a cup of tea.

T: To show there is no bias, we are doing the clubs in alphabetical order..with the Crows last because we really hate you bastards! Let's start with..

BRISBANE: Clearly this side is unbeatable..the full forward is older than Steve Waugh and he still kicks bloody goals..the key here is Martin Pike. He has played in four flags in five years and once again he is on the Lions list. Clearly their best talent is underpaid and Eddie Maguire's quest to make the Lions play 20 matches away from the Gabba has failed. The Lie ins are a shoe in.

M: CARLTON: This third rate club has recruited a bundle of second rate players so an improvement is on the cards. The club's thirteen year plan is well underway so there are happier times ahead for Blues fans. Optus Oval is to be renamed Pagan’s Paddock but Carey won’t be at Carlton so Mrs. Stevens won’t be having a bar of it.

R: COLLINGWOOD: The team that brings so much happiness to all on the last day of September is a team on the up. Any side that loses two grand finals in a row is bound for future glory, just ask any Geelong fan. Joffa will dispose of his gold jacket and will this year don a silver jacket in honour of Collingwood's habit of finishing second.

T: ESSENDON: With a Pie-like draw of 47 matches in Melbourne and 17 blockbusters in the first 6 weeks of the year, the Dons look like a team that will make the eight, before losing to the Power at football park in September. However, they did draft Justin Murphy so a considerable loss of revenue in the catering department will ensue due to amount of turnovers Murph will serve up to the Don’s faithful. Hmm, food for thought.

M: FREMANTLE: The Dockers are no longer shockers and no longer scared of the West Coast Eagles or beating the mighty Bulldogs and Demons in Melbourne. On the minus side of the ledger, Clive Waterhouse is fully fit so you can safely bet on them to finish between 9th and 12th.

R: GEELONG: Last year I got egg on my face when I ate a hamburger with the lot..I mean, tipped the Cats to win the spoon. But this year it is clear that the Cats are an old group that is clearly past it, even though they have one of the best forward lines in the business. Stoneham, Ablett and Billy Brownless will kick plenty of goals…what…they’ve retired? Cats to finish 17th!!

T: HAWTHORN: This time of the year is when the Hawks are at their best, until we remember that skipper Shane Crawford is the only bloke with a heart in the whole side. Then we suddenly remember that the Hawks are about as good as their uniforms. Hawthorn to win nine of the first five and then do a spectacular Richmond like fizzle finish.

M: MELBOURNE: In more trouble than the early settlers. If Neitz can kick more goals than Pratt and Hudson combined then the Demons could finish as high as 10th. I reckon the Dees will get the spoon but nobody watches them anymore so no one will notice. A long winter beckons…great, we can go skiing!

R: PORT ADELAIDE: In the past few years I’ve been really impressed with Port, which is probably why I’m not coaching any more. Someone else who will soon be in my leaky boat will be Mark Williams…he’s got to get rid of that involved game plan. Most of these Port blokes sign their names with an X so come on Mark, keep it simple…kick it to Tredders. Problem solvered. Another top four finish for the Power I’d say…but after that, the jury’s out.

T: RICHMOND: A team on the move…Tasmania perhaps? Or could it be, up the ladder? With Nathan Brown in the team nobody will kick it to Richo anymore so we could see and improvement in Richmond’s fortunes..they’ll be up there this year..all the way up to 11th. That should save spudder from those who are spitting chips.

M: ST.KILDA: Enough excuses Saints…your time is now, but I said that last year and the year before that…hell, I even bought a membership for the ride of my life…and I’m so sheltered that I thought it was! Saints to fall into the eight and into the Herald Sun but to disappear faster than a pint at a club function. Buuurrrp.

R: SYDNEY: I expect the Swans to make this year’s grand final…but then again..I’m a freaking moron! This team is fast and has great skills (I watched them once when Collingwood played them) so I know what I’m talking about. That Dr Edelsten has really got them flying high…and his wife’s not bad either.

T: WEST COAST: This side is going to be sponsored by a laxatives company this season because they sure can get it out of the middle. However, they haven’t got a clue what to do with it after that so expect more rebounds than Jennifer Lopez. I expect the Eagles to slip down the ladder…that way I can get more Victorian teams into my top eight. Gear!

M: WESTERN BULLDOGS: Chris Grant will be the recruit of the year…imagine him making captain of the side already! The Dogs will snarl and make the eight this season. What? You’re shocked? According to me, the Bulldogs are in the top four every season, now pay attention!! Scott West will shock the world and kick it over a jam tin.

R: ADELAIDE: The Crows are at the crossroads this season, that’s because I’ve been pissfarting around with all the road signs along the Western Highway and at the airports. That’ll fugg em. With Adelaide’s remarkable recruiting of young players in recent seasons, this is a side that is full of run. Let’s hope they run all the way to the bottom of the ladder ha ha. What good is it winning games at Football Park if they can’t even knock the Lions off for my beloved Collingwood? Adelaide to miss the eight this season.

T: So folks there you are. We might as well not even bother. Brisbane to win the flag and daylight second. Which means that this year’s grand final will be a hell of a lot more physical than last year’s! As many as twelve clubs have absolutely no show of winning the flag, so why don’t we all go out and watch the VFL? So it’s good night from me and goodnight from them. If we’re lucky, we’ll be back with another edition of ‘On the couch’…..

Regards,

REB